BREAKFAST WITH THE TEEVEES
Serwer, Arnold
Breakfast with the Teevees by ARNOLD SERWER A t 7:15 a.m. the Little Ben Alarm-o-Clock on the night table went off and Nora stilled its clamor with a flick of her finger. "I noticed," said Jack...
...asked Jack...
...This isn't freshly made...
...Exactly as advertised on TV," said Nora happily...
...That's my line," said Jack...
...Just like you told me to...
...They're the whitest white I've ever seen...
...Gobbles again...
...Overcome by Miasma at close range, Baby Sam nibbled her ear passionately...
...Then she served herself and they all began crunching away...
...They're wholesome, delicious, golden-brown kernels of corn bursting with vitamins that give you boundless energy every day of the week...
...It's hard to believe," said Nora, burying her nose in the pillowcase and nightgown...
...They're not good for you...
...We brewed a barrel of coffee on Monday and we keep reheating it...
...Why, today—Friday—is the very best day of all for Gobbles," Nora said...
...That's my line," snapped Baby Sam, who appeared to be about a year-and a-half-old except for the telltale wrinkles around his eyes which suggested he was six, going on seven...
...Just two more days and my ninety-day comparison test is over," Nora responded...
...the lower ones were dirty brown and pocked with cavities...
...I wish you'd use only Pearly like I do," said Jack, flashing a blinding smile at his wife...
...I wonder what secret ingredient they left out of brand-X that exposes me to 812 per cent more cavities...
...I didn't think you'd let us have them again today...
...Don't you dare smoke Goods," scolded Jack...
...You simply must have used Splurge...
...Now they're spotless and they smell so fresh...
...Goods go good with soft drinks and a glass of milk, too," added Freddy...
...That's my perfume you're sniffing," Nora said...
...How about a cup of coffee...
...But on Friday they're super because the Gob-bles-for-Friday package does not contain the Monday package's dried blueberries, Tuesday's dried bananas, Wednesday's dried raspberries, or Thursday's dried huckleberries—the Friday box contains dried mackerel...
...You can only do that with Sludge, the Colombian mountain-grown coffee that is brought down to the lowlands a burro-load at a time, then roasted, vacuum-packed, and shipped directly to your local store...
...Look, Nora, they're absolutely spotless, sparkling white," Betty screamed...
...The beans are carefully selected, and roasted one by one, but I think the real reason Sludge retains its pungent flavor even after so many reheat-ings is the magic chemistry that takes place between the burro and the coffee beans on that long trip down the mountain side...
...Jack demanded an extra large bowlful...
...We had them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and yesterday...
...Of course, I'm just thirteen, and they're not supposed to direct any cigaret advertising at me over radio or television...
...They were so filthy and the way they smelled—ugh...
...While the children chortled with glee Nora filled their cereal bowls with Gobbles...
...Her upper molars were sparkling white...
...I smoke Goods because I know that when they're Goods they've got to be good—down to the last puff...
...But I'm only a child, so how am I supposed to know I'm doing wrong when I smoke Goods in the washroom at school...
...cried Ellen joyously...
...I love freshly made coffee...
...That brand-X is ruining the bottom half of your smile...
...Dazzled by her husband's smile, made brilliant by Pearly, she heaped his bowl high with Gobbles...
...Assuming cherubic innocence, Baby Sam lisped, "Whath for b'ekfuss...
...Meanwhile Nora sprayed herself behind the ears with her favorite morning perfume, Miasma, "The Mystery Mist that Promises Everything...
...Mmm, that aroma...
...And to think that only yesterday this pillowcase and nightgown fell off my clothesline into the pig wallow and were run over by a truck...
...Nothing goes better with coffee than a Good cigaret...
...Then I can truly say that I'm sold on Pearly...
...A moment later the back door crashed open and Betty Jones, their nearest neighbor, marched up to the breakfast table and waved a pillowcase and nightgown at Nora...
...Then he drove off to work in his Superblitz Eight powered by Miracle Ethyl, the premium fuel that gives you extra mileage, scours dirty sparkplugs, loosens sticky valves, sews on loose buttons, and raises the garage door for you when you come home late at night...
...Then Nora and Jack Teevee went down to the breakfast room where they were greeted with cries of hunger from three gorgeous children—Ellen, Freddy, and Baby Sam—whom they rented from a model agency for $30 an hour each...
...Nora gave him a big hug...
...You're spoiling these kids," Jack said sternly...
...She went into the bathroom and brushed her upper teeth with Pearly and her lower teeth with brand-X...
...After Jack rubbed No-Comb Stayput into his hair he combed it with two fingers...
...With that Jack rose from the table, kissed Ellen, Freddy, and Baby Sam goodby, smiled glitteringly at Betty, and shook hands with his wife at arm's length because of previous experience with the delays caused by the power of her perfume...
...I used Splurge all right," Betty crowed, throwing her arms around Nora...
...She broke away to announce that everyone was going to have Gobbles for breakfast...
...What's for breakfast...
...How else would they come out so perfectly white and smelling so—so sexy...
...I noticed," said Jack as he climbed out of bed, "that you did that with just a flick of your finger...
...And what goes better with a good cup of coffee," broke in Baby Sam, "than a good cigaret...
Vol. 31 • May 1967 • No. 5
