THE MAN WHO OWNS ONE
Mayer, Milton
The Man Who Owns One by MILTON MAYER THE sign said. Phoenix Used Cars —Buy, Sell, Trade, so I drove in and said, "Where's Phoenix?" A man sitting on a heap of rubble said, "I'm Phoenix, watcha...
...Hmm," he said, "fudge ripple...
...Do I know her...
...On your way out," said Phoenix...
...If it runs...
...Forty bucks," I said...
...On my way home I turned off at Dishonest John's...
...I've used it only to take the little ones to church," she said...
...The engine—three-eighths of the engine, actually—started and I got it out of there and down the street to the next place, which was Honest John Setchel's—We Buy 'Em...
...Needs a little valve job...
...Widow Murgatroyd was sitting on an orange crate in the "parlor"—there was only one room—doing petit-point on a piece-work basis for the Universal and Amalgamated Petit-Point Corporation of America, a subsidiary Dupont...
...sold her that Packard for $18.75 day before yesterday...
...Ole Cadillac," said John...
...Where," I said, "is Honest John...
...Save your italics," said Dishonest John, "and start 'er up, if you can...
...He was nonplussed...
...It's what you want...
...I said, " 'if it runs...
...Forty," I said...
...Then he sat up and tore out his hair and rent his gray flannel suit and cried: "Oh, that Murgatroyd, that Murgatroyd 1 Oh, that sulphurous tomato...
...They all had pellagra...
...You've just got to wait...
...Do you know the Widow Murgatroyd...
...I smiled at Phoenix and said, "She's a little low on compression...
...If it runs...
...Between twenty and sixty," said John, grasping my hand in both of his and throwing me over his shoulder, "and if you tell me that the trim alone is worth forty, I'll tell you that that's what I'm buying it for...
...Forty," I said, "Won't dicker...
...I should be faithless to the Hippo-cratic Oath if I told you that there was any hope...
...Baby-bottom blue...
...Why don't you sell yourself to the Automotive Museum...
...A month if you drive her," said Manuel, "two months if you don't...
...What should I do with it...
...Look at 'er...
...Not all of 'em," said the man...
...The tank's full," I said...
...How long...
...You buy 'em...
...But it would take six men at six bucks an hour a week to get the steel off...
...What can I do against you...
...Clean...
...It's all I have...
...I said...
...There's my old mother, my old brother...
...I said...
...They should be," said Dishonest John, tagging the base...
...I went over to him and patted him on the shoulder...
...I should have parked on a slope, the way we always do at home, but I hadn't...
...Two forty-seven fifty," said, or, rather, sobbed, the widow...
...Here was the ad: 1949 Packard...
...We have a high school kid of our own, and we won't let him have a tommy-gun, much less an automobile...
...A couple of months ago I took the Cadillac (which we'd got as a gift) to Manuel at Peterson's Monterey Garage...
...I thought I'd better indicate that I wasn't a Fixed Price Man...
...I know," said John, "You filled it last night...
...I'd have to be a smooth operator myself...
...Buck up, boy, there are miore where both of them came from...
...Sell it to the Navy," said John...
...He said there's no way of finding out if it needs a bearing job until it's had a valve job...
...A few miles on it...
...I've got it...
...She started like a rocket and then stopped...
...I had 'er down to Peterson's Monterey Garage," I said, "and Manuel looked 'er over, and do you know what he said...
...Built like a gunboat," I said...
...I swallowed my pride, cleared my throat, and said, "Shall I start 'er up for you...
...I was thinking of how he said, 'They sure built 'em to last in those days.' " "That," said John, "was their mistake...
...They haven't sold another one since," said John...
...You taught me how," I said...
...I said, my lip trembling...
...the windows are holding the roof up...
...I grabbed him by both shoulders and shook him...
...That tank—" I said...
...For this 1939 Cadillac, greatest car ever made, when all is said and done...
...When you run it down to the corner, you have to take a refueling plane along...
...Forty," I said...
...It's Old Dilute, sometimes known as All-Knock...
...Forty," said John...
...John was sobbing convulsively, and I struck...
...I do," said Dishonest John...
...Right here," I said, tapping the steering wheel carefully...
...Runs like a sewing machine...
...She held out her careworn hand and I dropped forty dollars into it, putting the other $2.50 into my pocket...
...I," I said, "am Prof...
...I saw you coasting in here...
...A man sitting on a heap of rubble said, "I'm Phoenix, watcha want...
...Not a thing...
...Two forty-five," I said...
...She—the Packard—ran like a sewing machine...
...Phoenix rose from his ashes and said, "Where...
...I wasn't thinking of that part of what he said," I said...
...It does use a little gas," I said...
...If the steel were alone", said John, "it might be worth something...
...Two forty-seven fifty," I said...
...I didn't want a car...
...When I think of your old mother I—I—I—"and he broke down again...
...Forty," said John...
...It will take me $5.4909 worth of time to syphon it out and extract the gas from the water...
...Forty," I said...
...The battery began to give out...
...John," I said, "I have a wife and four little children...
...Two fifty," I said...
...said John...
...At 140 Center Street I had to fight my way through a tangle of small children on the doorstep of the shanty...
...Hiya, ya old thief," I said...
...I was watering my lawn and suddenly the pressure went down to a trickle...
...Will dicker...
...With the |42.50 in my hot hand, I highballed it over to the Monterey Peninsula Herald and read the want ads...
...When it isn't running," said Dishonest John...
...When she does that, there's no use kicking 'er...
...I'd learned a thing from Dishonest John...
...It's just what you want...
...The widow began to blubber...
...I suppose," I said, "that the Egyptians made a mistake when they built the Sphinx...
...It's all for the best," said Manuel...
...John forced a wan smile through his tears...
...That, of course," I said, and my tongue, as I unrolled it, was like cold rolled steel, "is what it is...
...I never wanted a car...
...said Dishonest John...
...He stared at me...
...No dealers...
...I looked at him with my big blue eyes, two stars in two pools of night...
...John," I said, thrusting out my hand, "I'll meet you half way...
...Get it out of here," said Phoenix...
...Out to lunch," said the man...
...Good ole Cadillac," I said...
...His whole body suddenly shool with a terrible convulsion...
...I'm Dishonest John...
...John was standing there...
...I put my silk hat on my head and patted it on top and moved to the door...
...Take off the trim and I'll give you forty dollars for it and you can keep the car...
...But John flung himself face down in the dirt and rolled around, moaning in unmeasured agony...
...I'll give you $500 for it...
...Oh, that overage cupcake...
...I'll pick up that old wreck of yours for junk...
...J couldn't resist...
...said John...
...No more dealers for me...
...The tears cascaded down her cheeks and into the petit^point, and her pellagric babes clustered around her...
...For what...
...I'm looking," said John...
...Hard to find...
...I saw that I was up against a smooth operator...
...the rust has got the doorpost on the left side...
...I had caught him off base...
...she has to strip the supermarket, jet-propel the kids to the sawbones, hone the floors, blowtorch the walls, boil the laundry (and mangle the sheets), mow the lower meadow, beat the rugs, prime the pump, stir the spaghetti sauce, tool up the scythe, churn the margerine, read proof, and count the profits...
...It was so bad that he had to wipe the tears from his eyes with both hands, and his left hand, which had been clutched in a fist all the time we were talking, fell open, and $42.50 fell out of it...
...I never will...
...Widow Mur-gatroyd, 140 Center Street...
...We tried to give it away, but nobody wanted it except some high school kids...
...Don't lower the windows, whatever you do...
...I smiled at Dishonest John, and he smiled at me, as if to say, "We're two of a kind, you and I." I patted 'er on the shoulder, the way Roy Rogers pats his horse...
...I started to start 'er up, but she wouldn't start...
...Two," she sniffled, "two-fifty...
...She thinks she needs an automobile...
...Forty," he said...
...Manuel put his stethoscope to the engine block and said gravely, "She's down to three cylinders, friend...
...They won't lower," I said...
...But Baby thinks she needs one...
...Open 'er up...
...This time I'd do the dealing...
...Don't want no sewing machine," said Phoenix, a little too surlily for my taste...
...Then h( sank to the ground and with both hands scratched at the dirt and poured it over his head...
...For—forty...
...So Dishonest John got it...
...holds 20.6 gallons," said John, "and there is 20.3257 gallons in it right now, and I know the brand...
...Meyers of the Automotive Museum of America, at Dearborn, Michigan...
...I opened 'er up, and John stuck his finger in and pulled it out and licked it...
...Just look at the steel alone...
...he screamed...
...Steel just went up six bucks a ton," I said...
...I'll give you $42.50 and forget the .009 because we're friends...
...Widow Murgatroyd," I said, "I am S. Legree Meagher of International Scrapiron, Ltd., London, New York, Bombay, and, of course, Tokyo...
Vol. 21 • September 1957 • No. 9
