THEY'S GAININ' ON US
Mayer, Milton
They's Gainin' On Us By Milton Mayer THE TELEPHONE rang, and the man said, "This is the Internal Revenue Bureau, Mr. Mayer. We want to audit your 1948 Income Tax Return." "Sure, sure," I said....
...Yes, burn them, for all of me...
...The point, Mr...
...You overpaid your tax that year by $120...
...Compromise, compromise...
...What was that...
...Jones, "is that you have capitalized your books on a 10-year depreciation basis...
...Oh," said Sam, "I don't have no trouble 'countin' for it, none at all...
...Charity," said I, "is a theological virtue, the greatest, I may say, of the theological virtues, acquired, however, not by one's own efforts, as is earned income, but by free and unmerited grace, and you, Mr...
...This had been going on, as I say, for quite some time...
...It seems that when you figured out your 1948 Income Tax at the end of the year, you credited yourself with only three payments on your Estimated Tax instead of the four you made...
...Who's gainin' on us...
...I believe in feeding our friends and our enemies...
...Take them, take them all, Mr...
...Because," said Mr...
...I have more books than I know what to do with...
...It's just that they's gainin' on us...
...But Sam and I don't believe in the Devil, so we can't put a finger on them...
...Jones, let me ask you frankly, what have you ever learned from books...
...Jones' front name...
...Won't you compromise...
...Jones, "we'll do the best we can, won't we...
...I'm a poor man and I can't afford to enslave or liberate South Koreans...
...Not a jot...
...I, myself, have come to the conclusion, with Ecclesiastes, the Preacher, that 'of making many books there is no end...
...Some of us call them one thing, and some of us another...
...Jones, making a note of this, "that's bad...
...Mayer," said Mr...
...You know what I mean...
...Jones, sitting there, bare-faced, with your Handbook for Internal Revenue Agents, instead of your Scriptures, you are trying to tell me...
...It developed, in the course of our audit, that you had listed your net lecture fees instead of your gross, but that doesn't matter because you didn't deduct your lecture expenses in Schedule C-2, Line 498-J, which you were entitled to do, so you may have overpaid on that item, too, but I suggest that we let that go...
...You can well believe, then, that it would have taken something heavier than a sashweight to knock me over when the man called and said he wanted to audit my 1948 Income Tax...
...Just sign this," said Mr...
...But Mr...
...In this morning's newspaper, it says, "The big question in Washington is, where will they strike next...
...I just play by ear...
...I'll drop in again, Mr...
...I was trying to get the dollar you owed the Government," said Harold, for that was Mr...
...The Bureau never meddles in politics...
...Mayer," said Mr...
...said the white Southerner...
...Jones, wetting his pencil, "dear me...
...Great-grandpa would have said it was the Devil, and that's who it is, all right...
...Jones, hollering, "all I'm trying to tell you is that you don't owe the Government any money...
...Jones," I said, "only leave me my little ones, the fruit of my loins, the flower of my youth, the comfort of my age, the life of my life, the...
...Jones," I said, "I believe in government, and I believe in taxes...
...Mayer," said Mr...
...Jones, "let's forget about the books...
...All I know is that they's gainin' on us...
...What about my refusal to pay taxes for bigger and better bombs to be dropped on old men, women, and children who resist being liberated...
...Mayer," said Mr...
...Jones...
...The black Southerner, though he hadn't attended Harvard, bore a reputation for wisdom, and people were always asking him questions like, "How are things...
...Gainin' on us...
...That seemed, and seems, sensible to me, but there were a lot of what the lawyers called nice points that I didn't understand, most of them in fine print in the Internal Revenue Act of 1948 et ante, so every time tax day rolled around I wrote to the Collector of Internal Revenue, explaining how things stood...
...Each time I told him how I felt about each of the items he mentioned...
...True, true," said I, "and I kept them intact, in a manner of speaking...
...Dear me," said Mr...
...said the little woman...
...I could not go on...
...Jones," 1 said, "step out to the well with me and we'll pull up the cider bucket...
...What does it mean...
...Above all, not $121...
...Jones, I shall see Counsel in the morning...
...said I. "You don't owe the Government any money," said Mr...
...Who cares about a dollar...
...Baby," said the little woman, "is Mr...
...That," said Harold, "is politics...
...They's gainin' on us, they's gain-in' on us.' Who's gainin' on us...
...After 10 days," I said...
...Why, you—you—you—.'' "—is not listed for tax deduction purposes as a charitable institution, and also...
...said I. "CLAIM...
...I—don't—what...
...Never...
...Well," said Mr...
...It seems that a white Southerner encountered a black Southerner and asked him how things were...
...Some people call them the Communists...
...Finally, when he asked me how I figured that the time the big tree fell down in the front yard was an Act of God without listing the firewood I made out of it as a Gift of God, I told him how I felt about the whole thing...
...Jones, "I don't want your books...
...and much study is weariness of the flesh.' " "Ah, yes," said Mr...
...The pages burn,' said the Rabbi Akkiba, but the words fly away...
...We certainly will," I said...
...They's gainin' on us...
...All you know for sure is that they's gainin' on us...
...You can't put a finger on them...
...It's not that," said Mr...
...Not a tittle...
...The man was the nicest man I ever saw...
...What about that $120 I overpaid...
...Mayer," said Mr...
...Since you are always telling me that your time is worth $50 a day, I would say he was a nice fellow, but expensive...
...Jones, "you didn't give me a...
...How are things, Sam...
...Not good," said Sam...
...I hope, Mr...
...I believe that taxes should be higher, not lower, and that no man on earth has a right to four meals a day while any other has two...
...I have four hundred books," T said...
...II So instead of paying taxes for my share of enslaving, and then liberating, South Koreans in South Korea, I turned over the portion thus earmarked to three agencies engaged in trying to liberate South Koreans in Los Angeles, namely, the American Friends Service Committee, the Jewish Peace Fellowship, and the Fellowship of Reconciliation...
...Well, it's like this, Mr...
...Mayer," said Mr...
...Strikes me the same way," said the white Southerner, "but how do you account for it, Sam...
...We always do, don't we...
...I shook my head...
...But me no buts," I said...
...Am I to understand that your books are worthless after 10 years...
...Jones," I said, "you may take the whole lot of my books and burn them...
...For two or three years now I hadn't been paying that portion of my income tax which, as best as I could figure out, went for first enslaving, and then liberating, South Koreans...
...Jones...
...Oh," I said, "so you admit they're worthless...
...I muttered something...
...Jones," I said, for "Jones" was his name, "I have no 1948 records...
...I wept...
...said I, "and what about the money the Government owes me...
...Who are they...
...I don't know about that," said Baby, "but you spent, all in all, a solid working week with him...
...Jones...
...Where did I ever get the idea that I was being persecuted...
...But, Mr...
...The Internal Revenue Act holds you responsible for keeping your records intact for three years after the date of return...
...So I never said much about it, or tried to convert anybody else, partly because I was all mixed up, and partly because I didn't see how a man who was too poor to defend his country had a right to live there...
...I promise you, Sir, I shall see Counsel, and this Government of yours, whose just powers, if I may quote the Founding Fathers, and if I may not, may I ask what is left of our liberties?—whose just powers, I repeat, are derived from the consent of the governed—this Government of yours, I say, will come into court with unclean hands...
...At the end of each year it wound up with my paying in full, willy-nilly, because I always over-estimated my income at the beginning of the year, paid as I went, and came to the end of the year having overpaid my tax even apart from the portion withheld...
...Dear me," said Mr...
...Will the United States Government acknowledge its just and lawful debts, or won't it...
...So I wasn't surprised when the man said the Internal Revenue Bureau wanted to audit my 1948 Income Tax Return...
...What does it say...
...Put the cuffs on, Jones...
...Mayer," said Mr...
...It does appear, however, that the Jewish Peace Fellowship, to which you claim to have made contributions...
...Of course I'll compromise," said I. How much do you want...
...It takes all I've got to liberate the people on the other side of the tracks in my own home town, and more than I've got to liberate myself...
...Claim...
...I don't know who they are...
...After Harold had gone, I sat and thought...
...I never had any," I said...
...So I never said much about it, only once every three months I wrote the Collector a letter beginning, "Dear Collector of Internal Revenue...
...In the words of Dan'l Webster, or Noah Webster, 'I will not retreat, I will not equivocate, I will not compromise, and I will be heard.' I...
...Perhaps," I went on, "I could interest you in a mint copy of the 1944 Report of the Bundles for Russia Committee, or a first edition of...
...Jones came back six times and stayed for six hours each time...
...What about it...
...Mayer," said Mr...
...I believe in representative government, and I believe that ours is a representative government...
...Yes, Baby," said I. "Nice fellow, wasn't he...
...said the little woman...
...I will never yield...
...said I. "It says," said Mr...
...Now," said Mr...
...What's a dollar to me...
...Jones gone for good...
...Oh, I don't, eh...
...But I couldn't go back where I came from, because I came from there...
...I am no good at keeping records, so I don't keep any...
...Jones, in what seemed to me to approach a scream, "the Government owes you $120, but you made a mistake in calculating your earned income—you subtracted instead of adding—so you owe the Government $121...
...Mayer," he said, "that your 1948 records are intact...
...Nothing," said I. "I just said, 'They's gainin' on us,' is all...
...It's just that in this matter of capitalization...
...Never," I said, holding out my hands...
...You say that all the time these days," said the little woman...
...That," I said, putting my hands back into my pockets and reaching for 10 dimes, "is different...
...Jones...
...It means," said I, "that they's gainin' on us...
...I thought...
...You claim to have four hundred books...
...No," said I, "we will have this out In the words of Luther...
...III "Harold," said I, a little later, rubbing the back of my hand across my wet chin, "what were you trying to do to me...
...Jones, miserably, "the Government owes you $120, so the difference comes to a dollar...
...Why didn't you say so at the beginning...
...All I know is that they's gainin' on us...
...I'll bake a cake," I said, as he hurried out, "and charge it to business expense...
...I have five hundred books...
...You don't know who the so-an-so's are...
...Jones, "that you stipulate that you owe the United States Government one dollar ($1.00) on your 1948 Tax...
...I never had any, and I didn't disperse them...
...Don't know," said Sam...
...Jones, "about these books...
...Jones, "but, in this matter of capitalization...
...Jones, "when you're not so busy...
Vol. 14 • August 1950 • No. 8
