A PAGE OF EXCLUSIVE FEATURES
A PAGE OF EXCLUSIVE FEATURES ISABEL, A PONEY, AND B1LDAD been quite a while since we have said anything I\n this column about Isabel, our black cat. We have back details as to her private life...
...Take the subway for Instance...
...Of course, as he pointed out, tt is very convenient to he able to grouse around the Jack yard and root up your meals in the manner of Buded the Shuhite, or whoever was the gentleman toat was turned out to grass in the bible...
...Then came a dog and pony act, with a donkey in the leading role, followed by more singing and AmnMng mjuj then the curtain went down and everybody walked out...
...Calling on Jinamie Walker I had heard so much of Jimmy Walker, the sprightly mayor of New York, and seen so many news reels In which he was shaking hands with visiting celeb rities that I thought I'd give him a chance to have his picture taken with me...
...For then was begun the canal...
...An imitation thing that must have given its first name to Battle Creek...
...The twenty second of September I remember the date...
...My destination was 10th street, where a dinner engagement was waiting for me...
...This time I must have caught the right subway by mistake for I landed within a few block of that celebrated hangout of Democracy...
...The agrarian law has given us Equal rights to all...
...First we made the opening: The engineer Gallndo Came to this group To direct the Work On the Irrigation Canal...
...He looked very gloomy as we smoked a cigarette before breakfast, but with these health johnnies, breakfast is so trivial an affair that you can smoke before and after, and yearn for what is not...
...But he wasn't in...
...Those who speak English are too stuck up to answer and the others cant...
...I don't want the intelligent electorate of this glorious republic to get all riled up over the question of whether a ™»n who has his private office under the same roof that shelters a burlesque show is fit to become president of this pious nation...
...When I see my comrades Working an in line...
...It lifted up just enough to let me go out like a cork, and up I went, and then, God be praised, it shut down again...
...keep your dollar where it belongs...
...You know that I've always been A loyal comrade of yours...
...but we vbh be could be around when Isabel glimpses from ber airy perch on the window-sill in the third floor t rather rakish Maltese gentleman who lives in the yard below...
...The illustration is by Diego Rivera, who has drawn, hundreds of pictures in the spirit of the Mexico work songs...
...Columba...
...And when the shoes began to wear, Nebuchadnezzer began to swear...
...The women would rise en masse against Al and every male with one of those pictures hidden in a bandy hollow log would do the same, making Al's defeat just about iiwiri™^ » I don't want Al Smith to go down in inglorious defeat on an issue of abbreviated one-piece bathing suits vs...
...Chapter II...
...Later he made it out well enough, for it plunged and bellowed...
...Adam CnalfHsjamj There's a break In the clouds, there's a gleam ha the sky, Thaw's st beautiful star, brightly sMartag an barb...
...The reception started with a piece of near music by a jazz band...
...Because I'm going to work: Accept this song Of Florentine) Aguilar...
...Neither had any...
...Quick...
...The young lady with a tabloid in her hands and her elbow in my solar plexus to whom I confided my troubles cheered me with the news that by keeping going in the wrong direction, I would presently arrive at the right station where I could catch a train taking me in the direction I was coming from...
...And that's how I missed seeing Al «™<»h I hope some black-hearted Republican don't use this information and have a picture taken of Tammany Hall and those bathing beauties, labeling the former national headquarters of the Democratic party and the latter Al Smith's campaign committee...
...The tunnel...
...Isabel, you see, once knew a pony in Wilton, Connecticut, who could tell time by pawing on the pound...
...We know that it is very good and healthy, and that we would lose our emerging waistHaa and might even get to look like an Arrow Collar athlete, if we went around nibbling lettuce...
...The sudden shift from two thousand ppunds of pressure to none...
...Henderson and La vert j< and "the ironworkers, amazed and amused and made braver themselves, because-' of ¦ ;this very thing—filled with admiration, indeed, by the sheer resourcefulness of it, stood by to help...
...I would have stayed with her myself quite a spell longer to talk over New York's traffic problem, but she had to go into conference over the purchase of a new subway...
...owe has been hlgh-catting her daughter Funnyface, 1-rrranddaughter The Bear, and her grandson Jacob pjuken ever since her picture appeared in the New Leader...
...Perhaps the subway guards know where all the subway trains are going to and why, but it's no use to ask them...
...Some were dubious About seeing the water come...
...Git me out av this...
...Just like an old dog...
...But 'then...
...But McGlatheryl Yes, what of him...
...Fortunately, as I have learned since, six seven in New York, so I found hostess and dinner still warm...
...COlumba had not...
...The thing that strikes me most in New York is its marvelous transportation system...
...The water that has been brought From the River San Felipe: That say it is the landlord's Just let him come and try to take it...
...A terrific moment, as you can well imagine, not long in duration, but just long enough to swallow up McOlathery and then the shield, having responded at first to too much air pressure, now responding to too little (the air pressure having been lessened by the escape), shut down like a safety valve, shutting off most of the water and leaving the tunnel as it was before...
...Ever so often there are openings going down in these burrows, which also serve as openings to come out of them...
...Against the small breach, through which the water was pouring, they held him, while others ran off for more begs...
...To be sure the river had attempted to do its worst, and had caused him considerable 'Year and pain,' and perhaps tt...
...Then a curtain went up, displaying two dozen bathing beauties who displayed everything but clothes...
...But, lastly, there was the peculiar spiritual consolation that comes with the feeling that you have done your dutv and that a great saint is on your aide...
...Will no one take me out av this...
...Vegetarianism is another subject upon which Isabel has: decided views...
...But fit for what...
...When the train arrived at Eighth street it kept on arriving until it arrived in Brooklyn...
...It may tave been Nebuchadnezzer, although as we recall It, ¦» was the man who sold his wife, poor wretch, for a pair of shoes...
...Me, too...
...elongated Mother Hubbards...
...That's why the water comes here To Irrigate the dryflelds...
...ml aH„at> nearly none, had b rouge...
...But glory be, here I am, and I'm no worse fer it, though it do be that me hand wrenches me now and then...
...For, "Glory be," as he frequently exclaimed in narrating the wonderful event afterward, "I wasn't stuck between the shield and the tunnel, as I might 'a' been, and killed entirely, and sure, I've aaften thought 'tis a miracle that not enough water come in, just then, to drown 'em aal...
...Je this respect we are wfth her...
...When right shall be might and shall nonrlah fnr era Wheal man in the strength of Ms manhood ehafl stand, ( ^^J^y ^OsssaaaaaMI flfld...
...Well, of all things!'' exclaimed Captain Hiram Knox, seeing him thoroughly alive, if not well, and eyeing him in astonishment...
...And, fortunately, such an issue hi in slgnt: Herb Hoover has already come out with a ringing endorsement of the Coolidge policies...
...Performed their duty...
...Not coffee, tor example...
...After all, she figured what is time to a pony in Wilton, Connecticut...
...On the walla of these burrow entrances and exits are signs such as "Down Town," "Up Town" and also arrows showing the stranger whether he is coming or going...
...And as for the good St...
...After depositing my pickle in the slot of the turnstile, I caught a down town train for Eighth street, which is two blocks nearer to 10th street than to 14th street...
...Now I have composed my song With good will and care...
...So I plunked down my dollar and was ushered to a seat in the second gallery...
...The Digging of the Canal This is the second part Of the Irrigation canal: To all my comrades I dedicate this composition...
...The blond stenographer who runs New York City during Jimmie's absence told me he was out of town aad would not be back until I was gone, but that if I left word he would sure be glad to give me an interview if not otherwise engaged or meet me by chance anywhere we might run into one another, be it Paris or Berlin...
...tl rrlm SowSr again, and in addition" induced the severe case of "bends" from which he was now suffering, j But St...
...She leaves Jacob pretty much alone, J^heii growing into a great big enormous cat these ** He would be a tough customer if he ever got !Sly mad...
...And with large pictures of McGlathery ascending heavenward, at the top oft'-a geyser of water...
...And our idea of •nything to eat before nine-o'clock in the morning hardly embraces salad...
...Bat for your dollar, your dirty dollar, Your greenish leprosy, Wb only hatred that you shall get From all my folks and me...
...And dinner fwas growing cold...
...But none the less, in the final extremity, had he not acted...
...Aad for a nickel...
...Rivers may be smart, but saints are smarter, thanks be...
...They do this, they explain to ^earnestly, in order to keep fit...
...For if all these things did not prove that the good St...
...Although he was suffering horribly, and was convinced that he was a dead man, still the good saint must have placed the tug conveniently near, and into this he well now speedily liftecj...
...No wonder the New Yorkers who call on Mayor Jimmy on business don't mind it when they find Him out...
...Have been here almost two weeks and haven't seen all of It yet...
...k Aad let us be...
...With their crow-bars...
...The whole city, if not the whole country, indeed, was astounded by the accident, and he was a true nine ds$r wonder, fog the papers were IsrY th* taamge adventure...
...Columba had kept faith with him, what could...
...However they could dance some and didn't sing so bad, so I didn't mind the preliminaries to the main bout...
...Don't get frightened Those of you who were doubtful...
...However, after a long and intensive study of the New York underworld I landed on Eighth street and, being in extreme haste, decided to walk the short distance from Eighth street and something to 46 East 10th street where I arrived only an hour late...
...Walking distance twenty minutes...
...McAlister Coleman...
...Colomba And The River BY THEODORE DREISER Astonished, admiring, heartened,, the three of them jumped forward and lifted him...
...All you need to know about time te the hour of the arrival of the chopped meat from the butcher, and if you are a vegetarian like this Connecticut pony, even that happy event has no significance...
...J-*"0*8, broccoli, and canned asparagus tips...
...I discovered later that there are two entrances to Tammany Hall, one to Tammany Hall proper and the other to a burlesque show improper...
...It was McGlathery right enough, alive and howling lustily and no worse for his blow-out save that he was suffering from a fair case of the "bends" and suffering mightily...
...Fer the,love av God...
...For some thirty or forty seconds or more he had been eddied swiftly along the top of the tunnel at the bottom of the river, and then coming to where the air richoted upward had been hustled upward like a cork and literally blown through the sir alt the top of .the great volume of water, out into space...
...Circulating a picture like that in the Solid South would ruin Al down there...
...And tor two pennies...
...But tbt world is well supplied with rabbits, and red juicy •teaks are far more appealing to us than any amount of garden truck...
...And why was it, if the saint had not been trying to help him, that the hospital doctor had seen to it that he was hustled off to a lock just in time—had seen, indeed, just such a case as this before, and known how to handle it...
...And, to top it all, seeing that his right hand and arm might possibly be crippled for life, or at least an indefinite period (the doctors did not know), and in grateful appreciation of the fact that he had refused to deal with various wolfish lawyers who had now descended on him and urged him to sue for a large sum, he was offered a substantial pension by the company, or its equivalent, work with the company, no less, at good pay for the rest of bis life, and a cash bonus into the bargain, a thing which seemed to solve his very uncertain future for him and put him at his ease...
...she remarked scornfully, "to go around talking his head off when everyone knows that the chief charm of animals is their persistent silence...
...Here is the"**'Tragedy of the Canal of the ejido of The Garrapata" in which a laborer tells the story of the digging of a canal, and, quite incidentally, the story of the whole agrarian revolution in Mexico...
...It's dyin' av the bends I am...
...Then a greenish mess In a big bowl, some sort of salad...
...It's bad enough tc have all the vegetarians get mad at you, without takon the Lindseyites or anti-Lindseyites...
...Incontrovertible facts all, aren't they?—or if not, why not...
...He made for the nearest dock...
...So I shook hands and she shook me...
...Quick...
...Columba— Well, what about the good St...
...He was able to scream, though, and was trying to swim...
...I was then up town on 34th street which is down town from 42nd street...
...And r™ Practice becomes a bit more prevalent, and Z~, 18 t0 be the chief end of life, we intend to ¦¦Nate the late William J. Bryan, and die of over"""g on pork chops and fried chicken...
...Columba did not'have as much control over the river as he should or as be might like to have, or—and this was far more likely—it was entirely possible that he (McGlathery) had not at all times deserved the good saint's support...
...For two new pennies ?: The strangest music ever heard, Al from the brittle little throat Of a clay bird, aad, for good measure, we will g»ve y A patriot's word...
...The bathing beauties were followed by two fellows getting off wise cracks...
...However, if we fo into this private history of great biblical characters, we are liable to get snarled up in a discussion of companionate marriage...
...Even milk fails to interest her much these days, and she frequently attempts to shut the door ef the icebox when someone goes there for s sulk-battle...
...At any rate McGlathery thought so, and on Sundays and holidays, whether there was or was not anything of importance being celebrated in his church, he might have been seen kneeling before his favorite saint and occasionally eyeing him with both reverence and admiration...
...Will Durant said recently that no one could reaDy know the passion of love after thirty...
...Chapter HI...
...That old haunting sensation!—he had had it this time, sure enough...
...Ws lately visited one of these health fiends, and tram our standpoint the entire visit was an utter flop...
...Me arms.' Me ribs...
...At all events, much to everyone's amazement, she roibed up and down the house with a strange lumbering gallop that was evidently an attempt to recapture the first fine careless rapture of her kitten days...
...When this engineer came, It gave us great hope, Now we're going to have water Enough for everybody...
...And we still want to maintain our record of having been the only person, outside « an Osage Indian in Oklahoma, who drives his two around in a white hearse, who has not aired bis Tews on this contentious subject...
...That blond was a right smart girl and a mighty fine looker and accommodating as could be...
...Now I suppose we'll have singing cats sitting up nights smoking Lucky Strikes for their throats' sake, and guinea-hens will be giving concerts, and horses making political speeches...
...A fellow can travel anywhere above ground, on ground or below ground and get there almost as fast as walking...
...But they gave their help...
...When I see my comrades Coming to work— Well, they take off their sombreros And get right to work...
...the subway is a labyrinth of underground burrows, traversed by electric trains traveling at incredible speed...
...The tunnel below, av course...
...With their picks and shovels— Dry fields...
...The captain, truly moved and frightened by the groans, did as requested...
...She was very much interested to read about the talking' dog, and became quite snippy about the whole badness...
...The house physician, having seen a case of this same disease two years before, and having meditated on it, had decided that the hair ef the dog must be good for the bite...
...A bright white nickel?— If s lots of land a man can bay, A golden mine that's long and deep, A forest growing high, Aad a little house with a red roof And a river passing by...
...Where do you come from...
...raut4^erbr<r Mexican Peons Celebrate Freedom in Song (.The Mexican people commemorate .the great events, of the day in simple songs and tunes which may be heard in thousands of public squares...
...Oh...
...It took him but a few moments to call an ambulance, and but a few more before McGlathery was carried into the nearest hospital...
...When you figure that the old lady is going ten years of age, and that that is equivalent to about ninety in a human, you must realize that these rejuvenated performances are a very surprising thing...
...May I add here the caution to strangers in New York never to ask a native New Yorker for directions...
...Having charged my battery with this information, I decided to go down town...
...Thus sheer nothing could be opposed by total absence and a good time could be had by everybody...
...On a sunny day of last week, the windows In our w<me were open, and through them Isabel must have aught the first faint hints of approaching spring...
...Rabbits we understand, thrive famously on such a diet...
...In consequence of this McGlathery was once more speedily carted off to one of the locks of this very tunnel, to the amazement of all who had known of him (his disappearance having aroused general excitement), and he was stared at as one who had risen from the grave...
...And if not, how would you explain the fact that the tug Mary Baker was just at hand as he arose out of the water two thousand feet from shore...
...And long and Intelligent explanations as to the way and why of it all...
...To us, nothing is much more uninteresting in a world not particularly crammed with interesting things or people than a vegetable dinner...
...Reader—a miracle...
...New York, I mean...
...At last the water is coming...
...Why cant Smith just as ringingly endorse the policies of James Buchanan...
...That heralds the dawn of a long promised dev...
...bawled McGlathery...
...U you believe it, when they were holding him there, and because now there was nothing bat water above it, one end of the shield itself— yes, that great iron invention—was lifted by the tremendous air pressure below —eleven or thirteen or fourteen Inches, whatever space you can imagine a medium sized man being forced through— and out he went, McOlathery, and all the bags, up into the river, the while the water poured down and the men fled for their lives...
...But, what was better yet, under the pressure of two thousand pounds now applied he recovered himself sufficiently to be host here and tell his story—another trick of bis guardian saint, no doubt—and one rather flattering to his vanity, for he was now in no least danger of dying...
...forgotten him entirely...
...Another, a greater, a more important issue most be found to fight tha oomtng election on...
...A passing tug captain, steaming down the Hudson at three one bright December afternoon was suddenly astonished to see a small geyser of water lift its head some thirty feet from his boat, and at the top of it, as it were lying on it, a black object which at first he took to be a bag or a log...
...We have back details as to her private life because we were JJJJjdshe would get too conceited about all this subbctty...
...But, better yet, four of the happiest weeks of his life were subsequently, wpent in that same hospital to Which he had first been taken relating to all and sundry his amazing adventure, he being interviewed by no less than five representatives of Sunday editors and eleven reporters for city dailies, all anxious to discover just how it was that he had been blown through water and air up through so great a thing as a river, and how he felt while en route...
...in fact, she hardly ever passes The Bear without attempting to sly-rap her, as they say in our better sorting circles...
...A triumph...
...As indicated by the syllable "sub...
...A Visit to Al Smith I From the City Hall I went up to Tammany Hall to have a chat with Al Smith...
...Once more the hand of the saint, you certainly will admit...
...I was a little surprised when the young woman in the glass box at the entrance of Tammany Hall charged me a dollar to get in Bat I always was a hero worshipper and if there hi anything more heroic than a man who is willing to load the forces of Democracy up Salt Creek I'd like to know it...
...Git me to a hospital, quick...
...X did and caught the right train—only it happened to be the wrong train because it was a local train...
...To go back for a moment to the vegetarians, they «fi of them have the rather distressing habit of tak~f ^ting-up exercises...
...A Song FoY Wall Street TN Nicaragua, my Nicaragua, 4. „,_ 1 What can you buy for » penny th"** 4 basketful of apricots, A A water jug of earthenware, a, rosary of coral beads And a priest's prayer...
...She didn't see much in this...
...END ABOUT THE BIG TOWN Chapter L The Rapid Transit of New York Some city...
...In the first place, there are no native New Yorkers and in the second place If there are such rare animals it is much easier to try every possible wrong direction, being sure to find the right direction when all the wrong directions are exhausted, than it is to find a native New Yorker who knows New York...
...And with this-1 say good-bye...
...Fortunately, however, his disposition is anite sunny, and when Isabel spits at him in transit, be merely gives her an inquiring look and goes on his way...
Vol. 7 • March 1928 • No. 12
