A Moving Violation
MARGOLIS, RICHARD J.
States of the Union A MOVING VIOLATION BY RICHARD J. MARGOLIS ?? ??? eve of our wedding anniversary—known to some asthesecond Seder night and to others as Easter weekend—Diane and I were...
...Aren't you driving a bit fast...
...Diane, who takes her copilot duties seriously, glanced at the speedometer...
...Officer," I said as I rolled down the window, "would you mind turning off your spotlight...
...Myapproximate destination was justice...
...Iwasplaying the Wicked Son, who inquires in a mocking spirit: "What mean ye by this service...
...I was next, and I said only three words, the first of which was "Guilty...
...Back home in New Haven, I had nine days to worry about the summons...
...But the traffic is light," I insisted...
...Of course you remember the 11 th plague...
...In due course he handed me a summons...
...It would carry us from a family Seder in Massachusetts to the Lighthouse Inn in New London, Connecticut...
...If you're thinking of suspending my license," said the young man, "Ineeditto get to my job...
...I kept wandering from room to room, not knowing where I was supposed to be, until a woman with a clipboard in hand and a pencil in her ear came to my rescue...
...On a clear day, we'd been told, you could see the far side of Long Island, maybe even Riverhead...
...I had forgotten what Myrna specialized in...
...to drive heavily...
...Please," heconcluded, "for the sake of your family and your loved ones, slow down.' I said "Thank you" to the judge, for his mercy endureth forever...
...The judge watched us file in...
...If any of you wish to plead not guilty," he said, "please go now and talk to the prosecutor...
...They reminded me of chapels awaiting reluctant worshippers...
...The courthouse in New London was perfect of its kind—noisy, crowded and full of plaster dust...
...On the morning of our 33rd anniversary we hoped to awake to the sound of the sea—not Red as in Exodus, but gray as in Atlantic...
...Yeah, but what's my medicine likely to be...
...1-95...
...It'll cost us moocho money," she said...
...Not me, my uncle...
...Some small print on the bottom said I was "entitled to be represented by an attorney," so I called my friend Myrna...
...Watching him debark and approach, I decided to strike the first blow...
...Two speedsters followed, then an overloader (not my queue-mate) and after him a man who apparently had swerved when the road had not...
...I felt sorry for him...
...Just fine...
...The cop, his rooftop lights flashing blue and red, stopped us a few miles east of New London...
...Everyone confessed to a temporary and wholly uncharacteristic lapse in judgment...
...You know—those four full cups of wine...
...Fine," said the poor fellow...
...Not my uncle," she explained, "but his truck...
...She played ancient favorites like Music, Maestro, Please...
...He didn't say 'look here.' He said 'behold.' Anyway, you make the same complaint after every Passover...
...Don't tell me you and Diane are getting a divorce," she shrieked...
...I must have looked confused...
...You'll have to appear in court on the 12th.' "Hey, officer, have a heart...
...I guess so.' "Then you belong over there...
...Clearly I had chosen the wrong son to emulate...
...I asked...
...She pointed to a queue of alleged offenders that stretched down a long corridor and around a bend...
...Well," I finally countered, "atleast I didn't tell him we'd been to a Seder...
...It's flashing in my mirror...
...I am thinking of suspending your license...
...she asked...
...The Passover ceremonial dinner at our niece's house had been edifying as usual, yet not entirely to my Reform taste, which runs toward the Hagadah recounting the exodus from Egypt assembled by the Union of American Hebrew Congregations as opposed to the sacred version issued by Maxwell House and Manischewitz...
...This is the bread of affliction...
...The fine was $200...
...The Simple Son at least had the sense to be noncommittal...
...I envied them their innocence: They had never been "made...
...I'm keeping a weather eye...
...The first defendant was a young man accused of driving 60 miles an hour in heavy city traffic...
...At the Lighthouse Inn we had cognac nightcaps and munched on limp melted-cheese canapés left over from the Happy Hour...
...When Diane spoke, it was to assess my overall performance...
...The next case involved a truck driver arrested one night for driving without headlights...
...Yessir," he said...
...You showed no remorse," she concluded...
...Diane and I drove for awhile in silence, with the summons lying between us...
...Everyone's probably gone home to hug the Easter bunny," our gray-haired waitress speculated...
...I asked her if the state suffered overloads lightly, and she rolled her eyes heavenward...
...You never can tell...
...The judge sighed...
...We're in the gravel business...
...That was when the Lord gave Pharaoh's charioteer a speeding ticket for going 70 cubits an hour in a 40 cubit zone...
...It's a ticket," the cop said...
...What does this say...
...he asked shrewd legal questions: "What mean the testimonies and the statutes and the ordinances...
...my unaccustomed pace was judicious...
...on this Easter Sunday we could barely see our own balcony...
...Are you a moving violation...
...We'd been waiting more than an hour when someone told us we must go to Courtroom B, where a judge would see us...
...If it's not alimony, it's out of my jurisdiction.' On the morning of April 12 I donned a buttoned-down shirt, tie and jacket (the better to impress the judge) and returned to thesceneof thecrime—1-95...
...Everyone paid...
...As I told Diane, when the leader holds up the matzoh, he's supposed to say, "Lo...
...How should I know...
...Diane favored me with a tolerant yawn...
...Not toworry," Isaid...
...Diane's reply was instructive: "He would have kept a weather eye...
...The Wise Son did not complain...
...You know what my advice is...
...Diane asked, "What would have been wrong with that...
...You can tell that to the judge," he said, and vanished from our lives...
...I'm going to fine you $330 plus court costs...
...Our own escape that Saturday night was via U.S...
...Tonight's a holiday...
...Worst: "You encouraged him to be mean...
...Go in there and take your medicine...
...The fine and court costs totaled $156.1 left New London with all deliberate speed...
...The trooper's back was already turned...
...she asked...
...Areyouamovingviolation...
...He had a bald head and a bristling beard, and his eyes were very sad...
...Our route resembled that of the Israelites—out of bondage, around Providence and into the wilderness of eastern Connecticut...
...None of us moved...
...I was going 80 in a 55-mile zone...
...A middle-aged piano player was on hand to entertain us...
...Not after all these years.' "No no, it's just a minor traffic violation...
...Diane and I were the only customers, so we applauded strenuously...
...You are correct...
...The judge had read the man's highway vita and he was not amused...
...As he saw it, the Angel of Death should have been his final misfortune—but now this...
...He praised me for my otherwise spotless record and scolded me for my moment of recklessness...
...Considering our speedy reputations, we were at that moment remarkably slow-of-foot...
...Any of the other three would have served me better...
...He might have heard something about the ritual...
...Right now may I see your registration and driver's license...
...Each minitrial may be a preview of your own, so it pays to listen...
...Let us flee from the face of Israel," he was heard to complain in perfect King James Aramaic, "for the Lord fighteth for them against the Egyptians...
...Maybe $500...
...Worse: "You didn't tell him about our anniversary...
...The punishment in those days tended to fit the crime: "And He took off their chariot wheels and made them to drive heavily....' Pharaoh may have considered it a bum rap...
...Its empty courtrooms with their tall windows and long wooden benches retained a certain dingy panache...
...The rest of you can stay here...
...He was as low-key as the guy in Dragnet...
...He got a ticket for being overweight...
...I wanted to know...
...We shuffled along like prisoners in a chain gang...
...You were actually driving 80 miles an hour on Easter weekend...
...You don't need a lawyer, you need a shrink...
...The lugubrious judge found me interesting...
...Does that sound fair to you...
...Eighty miles an hour on a holiday weekend," he said...
...Myrna seemed impressed...
...Seven speeding violations in less than two years," he mused...
...In such weather," I wondered out loud, "with the Red Sea invisible, what would Moses have done...
...He had earlier suffered all manner of unlooked-for indignities, including frogs in his bed, hail on his lawn and flies in his soup...
...When I get back to the car...
...eve of our wedding anniversary—known to some asthesecond Seder night and to others as Easter weekend—Diane and I were smitten by the 11th plague...
...As soon as you mentioned the spotlight I knew we were in trouble.' In my heart I figured she was right...
...We had furlongs to go before we slept...
...I am also going to take away your license for 30 days...
...The next morning we awoke to sounds of surf and rain...
...He is not supposed to say, "Look here, this is the unleavened bread...
...That's not exactly alight offense...
...One of the nice things about being a commonplace defendant is that you get to see how your colleagues manage similar legal predicaments...
...Perhaps you can explain...
...I got in line behind a young woman...
...And the son who was "unable to inquire" was also unable to offend...
...I gave her the details...
...We were all guilty as hell...
...Carefree charioteers passed me in whoosh after whoosh...
...Who cared...
...she was wearing a red sweatshirt and a white visor cap...
...Our moving-violation line hardly moved, but that didn't seem to matter...
Vol. 71 • April 1988 • No. 7
