The Briefing
GOODMAN, WALTER
Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN "Time to get up, Ron. The press conference starts in an hour, and your hairdresser is waiting." "Thanks. I was having a nightmare. There was this Nicaraguan, Mao...
...Ron, please, no jokes about nuclear weapons...
...If I didn't know them, yes...
...In fact, no offense, but it would be better if you didn't mention Nancy...
...Please, Ron, make it a Rumanian...
...Well, they're both Spanish-speaking, aren't they...
...That's my strong point...
...Did he learn his English from Henry Kissinger...
...I could ask Al to fill me in, but what's the use...
...I can't understand his answers...
...We can bring suit under Title VI, or whatever that Title is...
...I'm President Ron of all the people, the young and the senior, the white and the off white, and the way I see it is we all have to pitch in to keep the defense budget high and Castro off balance...
...Naturally, I don't have all the details at my fingertips...
...Every time I name a fine black fellow who isn't prejudiced against Jesse Helms, they drive him out...
...The media keep reporting that things aren't going well for some of them...
...Ron, it would be better if you didn't mention silver spoons or your mouth...
...I see what you mean...
...The thing is, Ron, that we are running into this credibility problem...
...The problem is that people aren't very receptive to humor these days...
...Only they don't always know when you're kidding...
...Your enemies are planting the rumor that you're not, uh, on top of things, that you don't read the papers...
...Have we been able to capture a guerilla with a Russian patronym...
...Save it for a quiet evening at home...
...For one citizen, that may mean a bigger tax write-off, for another, it may mean no job, but if we all do our part, we'll have the kinds of bombs that will make every American heart thump just a little bit louder...
...Just the buttons...
...I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, you know...
...The Attorney General ought to go on the offensive and charge them with discrimination...
...It might be better not to joke about that subject...
...The Rumanian, the Italian and the Pole...
...In fact, 1 didn't know there was such a thing as a silver spoon for the mouth till Nancy put one there...
...There's this fellow walking around with a sandwich board that says, 'The world will end tomorrow.' And a welfare mother passes by, and she says, 'Promises, promises.'" "No jokes about welfare mothers, Ron, especially not about the ones in limousines...
...They're not sure you know the difference between El Salvador and the Bronx...
...That'sagood joke, Ron...
...I'll keep to matters of defense...
...Well, Ron, just between us, would you believe Dave and AI and Cap i f you didn't know them...
...Good, Ron, read the letter at the press conference...
...You're right...
...That's the spirit, Ron...
...See if you can get a migrant worker to send me a letter about that...
...That woman works herself to the bone, trying on all those clothes in the interest of the national image...
...Even your worst enemies say, 'That ignoramus is a nice guy.'" "I just got a letter the other day from a multiple amputee telling me what a nice guy I am...
...Everybody knows what a nice guy you are, Ron...
...I'll give it to them straight...
...But the people believe me, don't they...
...I know what bad times can mean for folks...
...Some wiseacre may want to know why Nancy doesn't spend more time with black teenagers, and why you're having so much trouble finding blacks to serve in your Administration...
...Maybe you can read a letter of appreciation from one who has built a successful investment banking business since being cut off from the food stamp program...
...Incredible...
...Cap, for crissake...
...They believe old Ron...
...The State Department was about to produce proof that it was the Sandinists who sold out China...
...If anybody were actually being hurt, of course, I'd be the first one to send a get-well card...
...Yes, old Ron, they do...
...Show them that you know your neutron bomb from your MX and you love them indiscriminately...
...They believe you...
...Is he native born...
...That reminds me of the one about the Irishman, the Italian and the Pole...
...Don't ask me, ask the liberals...
...That reminds me of the one about...
...There was this Nicaraguan, Mao Tse-tung and Alexander Haig...
Vol. 65 • April 1982 • No. 7
