The Scam

...You bet your desert boots Instead of nagging about undertakers and TV commercials for kids, the Federal Trade Commission ought to be regulating informers In my experience, Mr Chairman, those people cannot be trusted ". "Except when they are fingering subversives ". "Naturally ". "Hear, hear," mumbled Ike without opening his eyes...

...Why should there be problems...

...That's dandy, Congressman Now, about that favor ". "Say the word You want a church burned down...

...How thoughtful May I know the terms...

...The Peers The Special Committee to Investigate the Hounding of Congressmen by the FBI and the Press convened itself Up there were Charley and Ike and Harry, good old boys Charley was playing chairman He spoke a few words in favor of honesty, and I was called to the witness table...

...The point is, Mr Chairman, when you can't tell a Special Agent of the FBI from an Arab, this country is in trouble I hear that the Moslem Anti-Defamation League is suing ". "Are you concerned about the Bureau's use of informers...

...No What my group would like is a piece of the action in Atlantic City ". "Ahh, to be sure You wish to invest in the revitalization of a decaying urban center outside the Sun Belt A helping hand to the disadvantaged people of the Northeast from their friends in the Mideast ". "Do you foresee any problems, Congressman...

...Free, gratis No obligation at all Refundable at face value as a capital gain ". "What responsible citizen can fail at such a time to participate in developing his nation's resources...

...Good morning," greeted Charley, doing his best not to wink "Thank you for taking time from your busy schedule ". "Don't mention it, Mr Chairman My legislative aide is making my rounds for me ". "Tell us, sir," said Charley, "in your own words, from your own bitter experience, of the abuses you have suffered at the hands of certain elements in recent weeks ". "I'm sure glad you asked me that, Mr Chairman, because believe me, it has been much on my mind As you and Harry and Ike know, I have heartfelt respect for and confidence in the Federal Bureau of Investigation May the name of J Edgar Hoover endure as long as free men everywhere come together to prevent internal rot, check-kiting and car theft The Bureau's record in hounding Reds and pinkos is a glorious one, I would tip my hat, except that the bills would fall out The data on the recovery of stolen cars, even though some of them are no longer mobile, is really something And if the special agents have exceeded their mandate on certain occasions, that may be laid to an excess of zeal I hold no grudges Just kick out the director and assign the SOBs who nailed me to Butte ". "In what way have they been over-zealous, sir...

...And what is your reaction to your treatment by the media...

...I wept a little "I don't mind for myself, Mr Chairman But I hate to see as grand a group of people as us smeared It can't help the image of representative government for the public to get the idea we're not on the up and up If the FBI and the media understood that, I am sure they would be more careful '. The hearing was adjourned Eight months later, I was offered condolences tor my pain and suffering from the incoming director of the FBI He promised to turn over a new leaf A committee was set up to oversee the Bureau's activities regarding public officials 1 was named to it, and envelopes full of good will have been appealing on my desk ever since...

...Your head is sure screwed on right,' said Charley "The bureaucrats have got to get their priorities straight Let me extend our commiserations, Congressman ". "You have anticipated me, sir ". "Thank you, sir...

...Everybody knows that an FBI man wears a three-piece suit with a snap-brim hat That's the uniform, Mr Chairman Ask Elliot Ness Those agents were out of uniform ". Charley made a note I wondered who he was playing in the third at Bel Aire...

...What are the kids going to think...

...I am touched," I replied "The civic dedication of America's newest immigrants is a source of abiding strength to our nation Welcome to the melting pot Toss in your old gold Many other groups before yours have contributed to the political process Such is the very blood of democracy and it will go directly into my blood bank Be assured that those of us whose duty it is to be on the collecting end receive your old bills in exactly the spirit in which they are proffered ". "Congressman," said the fellow in an accent that smelled more of Newark than Mecca, "there is a little favor you could do for my company ". "To do a favor for a constituent is nothing less than my sworn and bound-en duty ". "To be perfectly honest, Congressman, and lest any court get notions of entrapment, I want to say right out that I don't exactly live in your district ". "Your candor speaks well for you, Mr...

...Well, to begin, there are those bur-nooses What kind of outfit is that for an FBI man...

...Thank vow, sir...

...I am willing to state, though preferably not in writing, that you and your associates are as white as the driven sands, as spanking clean as your burnoose ". "Our records are about the same as the people who have already managed to get casino licenses ". "Your modesty does you credit ". "And we are interested, too, in some permits for the export of arms to selected customers ". "Naturally In behalf of your freedom-loving countrymen determined to throw off the oppressor's yoke and substitute the benevolence of the mullahs '. "And, if it isn't too much bother, there are a few small immigration problems ". "I understand Expatriates yearning to breathe free Send the huddled masses my way, Mr Sheik Greater love hath no man It is a far far better thing ". "Here's the money" His mouth was deep into his armpit "I am handing you the money now, Congressman Now you are taking the money Say thank you for the money, Congressman ". I stuffed the bills into my hat "Thank you, my friend You need some help with the opium crop7 The toiling peasants of your ancient land, dependent on those delicate plants-are they to be denied the fruit of their labors...

...I'll swallow anything in an election year Mr Sheik, I like the cut of your burnoose Be assured that any man who offers me $50,000 can count on being represented m Washington and Trenton Please accept this Honorary Constituent card, useful, along with a ten-dollar bill, if you get caught speeding in my district From now on think of me as your man in the legislature ". "By the by, Congressman, would you have any use for a couple hundred shares of mining stock...

...Call me Sheik What do you say to some sweet and sour pork, an ethnic delicacy...

...The media' Mr Chairman, you have before you a champion of freedom of the media Murdoch knows I have done my share to provide leaks on my achievements and the shortcomings of the other party But did the Founding Fathers stick m an amendment safeguarding the rights of the media in order to undermine our cherished political institutions...

...Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN The Scam The house was a big one, with an oil derrick in the garden and a two-camel garage I should have suspected something fishy from the Avis sign on the camels' humps I was greeted by a swarthy fellow in a burnoose "Congressman,' he said, speaking into his armpit, "I represent a multinational conglomerate with a name you would not believe, and we'd like to give you $50,000 in old bills...

...Hear, hear ". "And then, of course, Mr Chairman, there is that matter of entrapment ". "The way I see it, Mr Chairman, $50,000 is entrapment I am preparing a bill that would set a reasonable limit to what an FBI agent can offer a Congressman ". "Do you have a figure in mind...

...On my way out, somebody yelled, "Say cheese'" and there was a flash of bulbs I assumed it was a Middle Eastern sign of hospitality...

...Yes, about $30 Any Congressman who sells out for less than that ought to go to jail ". The committee stood and applauded...