Listening to the Third World

...Even as we rebuild the land devastated by Western imperialists, we offer an example to the world of the humane impulses of Third World Socialism Tempering justice with recreation, we have dispatched our exploitative minority on cruises around the Pacific at bargain rates There they sail even now, from one pleasant shore to another The children especially must be having a wonderful time Those who have voluntarily chosen to remain in our land are enjoying adult education courses at state expense I have with me many attadavits of gratitude A few, it is true, who are anti-people-hood, crooked and probably cracked have spread poisonous slanders to the rodents of the press To them we say give thanks you are not in Cambodia...

...The Delegate from the PLO (Gun up ) I stand before you as the sole legitimate spokesman for the Arabs of Palestine, and woe be to any Palestinian who says otherwise...

...Kurds and Way The Delegate from Iran Thank you, oh Brother in the faith The correction of the misguided is being carried out in my country despite the active intervention of Satan Some would say to the devil with the infidels, but Islam is persevering I do not speak hereof Christians or Jews, they are unspeakable Allah has placed upon us the glorious burden of confronting the evil in our fellow Moslems of a slightly different persuasion, and we shall not flinch We shall show the Kurds the way The lire shall have them, alter the machine gun gets done with them May the short skin become a shroud for perverts...

...The Chairman All in favor say Aye All Aye The Chairman From our mouths to Allah's ears The Delegate from Iran Ears' Rip off their ears chop off their toes snatch out their guts (The meeting ends in prayer...

...The Chairman And that's no veiled threat The Delegate from Iran May the tongues of intellectuals be uprooted, their eyes plucked out, their hands cut off unto the elbow, and Allah's mercy and abundant oil be upon you all (A brief prayer) The Chairman Amen, Imam, and will somebody please mop up after his Sainthness I have here a telegram of earnest affection for your Beatitude from the Ramsey Clark Any-Enemy-of-the-Shah-Is-a-Friend-of-Mine Committee The committee apologizes for the bad press in America-but we all know the sort of people who run that...

...The Delegate from Iran Pluck out their tongues' The Chairman Down, Respected Reverence The Delegate from the PLO And when the glorious day dawns upon our glorious Palestinian State, be assured that the examples set by our glorious brethren in progressive paradises from Havana to Hanoi and in Islamic heavens on earth from Libya to Iran will be followed most worshipfully...

...Brothers, there is no honor in these people, and we would condemn them except that we do not recognize them What we ask of those alleged Israelis, through third parties like our closet friends in the United States, is that they show a little trust Let them hold out their hands...

...Speaking for my own country, we can guarantee a mass conversion in accord with the guidelines of any Ayatollah in exchange for a break on the price of crude...

...Tef Chairman Ml hail and thank you, oh, big-of heart Little Brother I have here a cable of solidarity to you from the William Kunstler Vietnam-Can-Do-No-Wrong Committee And, I must add, a cable of fraternal reprimand from the Noam Chomsky Stop-Picking-On-Cambodia Committee...

...Before calling upon our next speaker, the star attraction of this unsurpassed gathering, permit me to read the following communication "Evidence in hand that the CIA, the FBI, the Mafia, and the U S Chamber of Commerce behind the mysterious disappearance of Idi Amin Send a million dollars post haste so that we may pursue hot leads ' Signed The Mark Lane All-the-World-Is-a-Conspiracy Committee...

...The Delegate from Iran and we will cut them off at the elbow The Chairman Will His Gracehood kindly restrain his understandable passions until the delegate has completed holding out the branch of peace And will somebody please wipe the froth from the benign beard...

...Now, we shall hear from the esteemed delegate from the People's Utopia of Vietnam The Delegate from Vietnam Thank you, Your Estimable We in our country have watched with wide eyes your brave colonel's pioneering accomplishments in the elimination of the minority problem...

...I now call on the Gracious Representative of the Palestinian Liberation Organization...

...The Delegate From Cuba (Eight hours later) To conclude, no one need fear anything in our Motherland, so long as he keeps his mouth shut, and fights where he is sent to fight, totes that barge and lifts that bale Inspired by the ideals and advanced weaponry of our Soviet comrades, whose record of care and devotion toward ethnic and religious minorities is unexampled, we shall bring to our relations in Africa a new dawn of hard work and shut mouths Everybody will now cheer (Cheers ). The Chairman Hurrah and a cable of praise to you from the Fair Play for Cuba and Jane Fonda Committee...

...The Chairman I am honored to have been chosen to preside over this extraordinary plenary of the underdeveloped May I ask the gentleman in the third row kindly to put on his trousers...

...Now, it is my honor to call upon the exalted leader of the Cuban masses...

...Rules of War The Delegate from the PLO Brothers, I come to speak not of politics but of morality All humanity condemns those who persist in shelling the innocent inhabitants of Southern Lebanon The international community, gathered here in full purity, calls upon the Israeli colonialists to play fair Let them be as men and engage in warfare in a manly manner Let them send their fighters into our territory to occupy schoolhouses and machine gun buses instead of launching assaults from afar That's the sort of warfare the United Nations respects...

...I am proud to report that in my country, all minorities are treated with perfect equality and without a hint of racism Under the reign of our beloved colonel, who has now been in office for a full three days, no distinction is made among whites, Indians, blacks Amnesty International confirms (hat all arc being cared for indiscriminately Burial in the fields is on a first home, first interred basis, and the reports that opponents of the regime are being eaten ate exaggerated Oh, maybe a taste here and there, but no banquets When the rumormongers are apprehended, they will be executed after no torture to speak of and then tried (Demonstration of admiration ). Thank you, brothers The first fraternal delegate to speak will be the honorable representative of the Beatified Republic of Iran Your Sainthness...

...Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN Listening to the Third World To manifest the indignation of the freedom-loving people of the Third World at the brutal treatment of the people of the West Bank by the Zionist lackeys of American imperialism, not to mention the vicious assaults of their capitalist masters on Andrew Young and the American Indian, the executive committee of the not-so-nonaligned nations has been called into special session Presiding is the delegate from the Central African Progressive People's Charnel House...