The Day the Presses Stopped
MARGOLIS, RICHARD J.
States of the Union THE DAY THE PRESSES STOPPED by richard j. margolis The man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them, inasmuch as he who knows nothing is...
...In a front-porch press conference the spry nonagenarian said he has come to believe that the Republican Party needs a candidate of his political stripe...
...Meanwhile, black community organizations in Philadelphia are pressing legislators to act speedily on the tribal petition...
...The former, peripatetic secretary of state said he and his wife Nancy were planning a whirlwind vacation that would take them to 14 countries in as many days...
...The Associated Press does not exist, according to United Press International...
...The purpose of the survey was to learn what citizens thought of their mail service...
...meteorologists in charge of tracking tropical storms have reluctantly changed their hurricane nomenclature from names of men to names of cities...
...Hashbrown, N.H.—Feminist leaders are meeting here to commemorate the birthday 150 years ago of Lucy Spoonover Lark, author of Recipesfor a Small Oven, Sharpening Your Needlepoint and other out-of-print works...
...Some people on my staff objected to it on personal grounds...
...Memphis, Tenn.—The local chapter here of the United Federation of Arsonists (UFA) voted unanimously last night to walk out in sympathy with striking Memphis firemen...
...Supreme Court yesterday returned to a lower court for reconsideration a case that may have far-reaching implications...
...Washington, D.C.—President Carter today ordered Drug Abuse agents to cease spraying Mexican marijuana crops with paraquat, a poison the Administration has been using to discourage pot-smoking in the United States...
...Mounties' Coach Bertrand Ebert had no apologies for his team's performance, except to note that the hot August weather was a factor...
...Not to take anything away from the Minot fellows," Ebert said, "but I do feel that our boys would have skated better if there'd been ice...
...We are rethinking the paraquat program," he explained to newsmen...
...I mean liberal," Landon replied...
...Basically," said a club executive, "our members are serious readers...
...Hollywood, Calif.—Sources here report that attorneys for the Sheik of Moussaka, a small, oil-rich principality unmentioned on most maps, are negotiating for the purchase of a "subsidiary package" that includes Warner Brothers, the Fatty Arbuckle library, Frank Sinatra's toupee and the Los Angeles Dodgers...
...Apparently they've all gone astray...
...A spokesman for the firemen's union said his fellow workers were gratified by the arsonists' show of support, but added a correction to Spinoza's statement...
...The sooner we give Philadelphia back to the Indians, the happier we blacks will be," a community leader said...
...But we feel that once in a while they deserve a change of pace...
...Moussaka does not exist, according to the Associated Press...
...Men everywhere can now face the weather without shame," he observed...
...A few male fanatics objected to our use of such names as Hurricane Albert, Hurricane Broderick and Hurricane Charlie...
...Those Indians are un-American...
...We propose and they dispose...
...In Houston Gregory de Plume, president of the National Organization for Men (NOM), said he was gratified by the new policy...
...Chicago, 111.—The National Safety Council today announced publication of its long awaited report, "200,000 Really Raunchy Products...
...The litigation concerns a white, gay male couple in Denver who wish to adopt a black, female test-tube baby...
...We're all in this thing together," said Torchy Spinoza, UFA president...
...Except maybe the tiny village of Loopaloosa, which is likely to end up about 20 feet underwater...
...Army Corps of Engineers...
...A spokesman for the Corps, Brigadier General Lucius K. Ordway, said the purpose of the proposed project was to widen the bayous and aid barge traffic...
...From now on we're going to stick to Athens, Boise and Calcutta...
...Loopaloosa, La.—Angry protesters here have been picketing the site of a $1 billion reservoir and dam project proposed by the U.S...
...It was the 51st game in a best-of-51 series...
...Washington, D.C.—Postal officials are puzzled by the results of a mail survey they distributed nationwide more than three months ago...
...He added he would also accept a draft "if the Democratic rank-and-file want me—or anyone else, for that matter...
...It'soutrageous," he said...
...One picketer's placard...
...Lucy Lark was a victim of a sexist society," declared a spokesperson for the group...
...Washington, D.C—White House officials have imposed what appears to be a total blackout on news concerning the rumored confrontation between President Carter and his Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, Joseph Califano...
...Ralph Waldo Emerson Much of significance occurred in these United States during New York City's long newspaper strike...
...Harsh words and coughs were said to have been exchanged...
...Topeka, Kan.—Alfred M. Lan-don, the 91 year-old Republican who ran for President in 1936 on an anti-Social Security platform, told reporters yesterday he has not ruled out the possibility of trying again...
...The volume is said to weigh 3 pounds, 4 ounces, and to list in alphabetical order all consumer products deemed unsafe, from Aardvark toys ("somewhat risky") to Zygote safetypins ("suicidal...
...New York, N.Y.—In a surprise move today the Book-of-lhe-Month Club purchased majority control of this city's three struck newspapers—the Times, the Post and the Daily News—pledging to bring them out occasionally as Book-of-the-Month "bonuses...
...Do you mean conservative...
...Playing before a capacity crowd in their new, open-air stadium, the sweating Minot Grazers beat the panting Winnipeg Mounties 4-3 in double overtime...
...Here, for instance, are some valuable Times items that never saw print...
...Traverse City, Mich.—Making a sentimental journey to his home state, Gerald Ford played two leisurely rounds of golf here yesterday, only to discover that he had left his clubs in Palm Springs...
...a reporter asked...
...A Council official said the book has been bound in fire-resistant plastic...
...Washington, D.C—The U.S...
...Strange to tell, the public preferred the mutterings of Melville to the lyricism of Lark...
...After remanding the case, the justices voted to repair to the Sans Souci for a three-martini lunch...
...let's be rotten to the corps...
...A highly placed source at HEW says the incident occurred yesterday afternoon when Califano caught the President smoking a cigarette out back behind the East Wing...
...Feinschmecker said authorities had considered enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope with each mailed questionnaire, but had rejected the idea because "we couldn't afford the postage...
...We haven't gotten back a single questionnaire," said Morton Fein-schmecker, special assistant to the postmaster general...
...We both need the rest," he explained...
...Minot, N.D.—This hockey-hooked town of 30,000 closed out the long season yesterday with another championship...
...A Federal circuit judge had earlier ruled that such an adoption would be unconstitutional and "possibly dirty...
...Our Environmental Impact Study shows that people have no grounds to be afraid," General Ordway said...
...Actually," said the fireman, "they dispose and we hose...
...The parcel in question includes all of Philadelphia, with the exception of Independence Hall and the Betsy Ross house...
...New York, N.Y.—Stocks were mixed today in light, heavy and moderate trading...
...The Liberty Bell is cracked, and so was Betsy," declared a tribal elder...
...Key West, Fla.—U.S...
...A good time was had by all...
...summed up citizen feeling...
...Even here in Hashbrown her books were tragically ignored...
...Omaha, Neb.—Henry Kissinger announced here today at a wheatgrowers' foreign policy prayer meeting that he would not actively seek the Presidency in 1980, but he would accept a draft "if the Republican rank-and-file want me...
...Amid much applause, Kissinger thanked the wheatgrowers for cultivating his breadbasket...
...It was masculinist pressure," commented a weatherman who asked that his name be withheld...
...Thomas Jefferson What is a newspaper but a sponge or invention for oblivion...
...In addition, he noted, "The pages are organic and can easily be ingested...
...At a hastily called press conference this morning, White House Press Secretary Jody Powell told reporters there was no truth to "the base allegation that President Carter is a closet smoker," nor to reports that Joseph Califano has been fired...
...The Bronx was up and the Battery down...
...Reached by telephone, Philadelphia Mayor Francis Lazzaro Rizzo expressed shock and disbelief...
...The asking price is said to be one utility infielder and two utilities...
...Harrisburg, Pa.—Members of the Delaware Indian tribe formally petitioned the State Legislature today for return of about 1 million acres of land to tribal possession...
...Participants at the conference named August 18 Lucy Spoonover Lark Day, and resolved to boycott any bookstore that did not carry her works...
...States of the Union THE DAY THE PRESSES STOPPED by richard j. margolis The man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them, inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehood...
Vol. 61 • September 1978 • No. 18
