Fair Game
GOODMAN, WALTER
Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN The Bad Dreams of Gerry Ford He dreams that he has Gallup and Harris lined up before him. "Fellows," he says, "I have called you together because you've gone off the...
...There on the screen is Betty, being held aloft by a young man in orange wig and tights...
...Who are we supporting in Portugal, not to mention Lebanon...
...He left a message explaining what you can do with your National Security Council...
...The problem is they insist on keeping one hand in their pocket...
...Go away, Ronnie," he mutters...
...The cloud covers the sky...
...Who is the French Prime Minister, and why...
...He dreams that he is in a motorcade along the Eastern Seaboard, cheered on by crowds of real estate men and football coaches...
...Who could not like somebody like me...
...Which way does the accent point on detente...
...the motorcade moves ahead...
...he hollers...
...I'll give him the Centra] Intelligence Agency...
...Even I'm not indispensable...
...Yes, sir...
...they are gone...
...Everybody's watching...
...He dreams that he and Betty are watching TV, the Tennessee Ernie Ford Show...
...I remember everything...
...Why do all those little Oriental fellows keep bowing that way...
...Only a Secret Service car...
...Grass grows at the foot of the Empire State Building and Madison Square Garden has been turned into a welfare hotel...
...Now, be fair, Dick, I did a little something for you too, remember...
...he yells, but they dance on...
...But the real estate men are not paying attention...
...But why isn't Nelson looking at him...
...You have to get dressed for a reception of the Champion Real Estate Salesmen of the U.S.A...
...Your figures on relative popularities aren't coming out right...
...He spreads out a road map of the United States and carefully obliterates New York City...
...Upstairs, Downstairs comes on...
...He wishes somebody would teach those fellows how to drive...
...The crowds thin...
...I remember especially all the sonsof-bitches.' His breath is terrible...
...Naw, folks," he grins the Gerry grin...
...His voice falters, his knees turn soft...
...Get me Henry...
...Why is Nelson scanning the horizon...
...Don't set a bad example for America's homemakers...
...Naw, not in this Bicentennial year anyhow...
...He tries, in a friendly way, to slip from their embrace, but they hang on...
...The audience is taken aback...
...Oh, where is J. Edgar now...
...empty a moment before, is all at once filled with bodies...
...Don't be silly...
...Just one thing," Ted goes on...
...Put her down, you fag...
...Up with natural gas...
...Fellows," he says, "I have called you together because you've gone off the mark somewhere...
...After you win, Dick and I will not desert you...
...I've prayed for many years, and you see where it's gotten me...
...They are not listening...
...Hey, guys," he whispers, "cut it out...
...People won't understand.' But she keeps dancing...
...What the hell is Angola...
...America, your President is being assaulted...
...He flicks on all the intercoms...
...The finger writes: "Gerry Ford eats with chopsticks...
...it's better than having Betty shoot off her mouth about sex and other subjects she doesn't know anything about, he hopes...
...From the lace of her tutu hangs an ERA button...
...And what about God...
...Do yourselves a favor, fellows, the next time you set up one of your polls, make sure you ask people who they'd rather have next door, me or Ronald Reagan...
...The Dick and Ted Show He dreams that Dick Nixon and Ted Agnew burst from their hideouts and make as if to hug him in public...
...Maybe the Supreme Court, as soon as the Greek seat opens up.' Dick's mouth is close to his ear...
...There are lots of American families where the wife handles the culture thing...
...Foreigners are beginning to clog the Oval Office...
...You know old Gerry is no sissy...
...All right for Henry, then...
...As he begins to address his Secret Service agents on the wages of cosmopolitanism, the horizon...
...Get me one of the undersecretaries...
...Betty, come on back...
...Henry Jackson, in tails, waltzes with Birch Bayh, in bustle...
...Instead of going around asking ordinary people these peculiar leading questions, put it to Him...
...Betty smiles enigmatically, turns away and floats off in the arms of her orange-wigged partner...
...Nuts to New York City...
...Lights flash on the super-console...
...Frankly, I don't see what that has to do with it...
...Where are the nation's real folks, the real estate men and the oil company executives...
...We shall then be elder statesmen to your Administration, sharing with you the high sense of purpose and personal integrity for which we have become known...
...You don't make my kind of record in Congress by being soft...
...The rabble vanishes...
...I can't do that, sir...
...Feel the muscle in my tax proposal...
...It'll be Gerry Ford by a landslide...
...You've seen me fall off platforms and on city streets and get up again with only nominal help from the Secret Service guys...
...You know how...
...Americans don't elect Presidents by their IQs, thank God, or Pal Moynihan would be in the White House...
...They form a high-kicking chorus line and unravel a large banner on which is inscribed,"anybody can beat gerry in november.' He jolts awake, perspiring...
...Don't believe a word of it, folks...
...My record is clear of generosity...
...The motorcade is entering the barren area that used to be New York City...
...They close in before him and raise their arms, hands clasped, just like at the convention of '72...
...Ted's hand is heavy on his shoulder...
...The party owes me...
...For Gerald Ford to be President of the United States is the kind of miracle that gives the lie to atheism...
...He switches on a tape of the cheers of conventioneers in Las Vegas...
...Folks...
...Think of the kids, I hear they're running around with Democrats...
...I spent all those years in Congress being liked, and when Dick Nixon played his last joke on the country, me, everybody reminded everybody else how well liked I was...
...I'd appreciate it if you'd go out there and explain to everybody that I am innocent, wronged, fit to associate with respectable citizens like Frank Sinatra, and make a dollar selling aluminum siding in underdeveloped lands...
...A rabble is moving toward them...
...Why is Nelson winking that way...
...Everyone knows that 1 am very well liked...
...Today even the Chinese like me...
...He's not indispensable...
...What are you today, Gerry...
...You're carrying culture too far...
...The Henry Hour He dreams that Henry Kissinger cannot be found...
...Please leave it in an unmarked envelope...
...Gee, thanks, but "No need for thanks, Gerry," says Ted...
...Come in by the back door this afternoon and we'll chat about it...
...The finger writes: "Gerry Ford is a bleeding heart fellow traveler with a weak spot for old people...
...He dreams that the sun is bright and he is addressing a group of real estate men, fine folks, on the desirability of more backbone, when suddenly there appears in the sky a cloud no bigger than the face of Ronald Reagan...
...Betty," he yells, "stop kidding around...
...A small band of senators is gathering around Nelson...
...Why not...
...Betty gets up and switches to the public television channel...
...Oooooh," they oooooh...
...You always had an excellent memory, Dick...
...The Statue of Liberty's lamp is out...
...Go away now and I'll make you Ambassador to Uganda...
...Still they come, and now he can make them out—the Wasp bankers who would not let him into their clubs, the Jewish intellectuals who make jokes about him, the crooked Irish politicos, black mothers with their illegitimate broods, Puerto Rican kids yelling slogans he can't understand but which don't sound friendly, teen-age toughs with blood in their eyes and pistols in their pockets...
...Hudson, doing a pas de deux with Jimmy Carter, dressed up like Rose...
...They wear death's heads and smell of sulphur...
...Boy, do they hang on...
...they are safe...
...As I was saying, your questions are obviously all wrong to begin with...
...Let's talk about it after the election, Ted...
...Is the Executive Branch supposed to be mad at Mexico for being nasty to the Jews or mad at the Jews for being nasty to Mexico...
...But the audience has gone...
...I forgot which party in Italy I have to make the checks out to...
...If anything, I've upgraded my likeability over the past couple of years...
...George Wallace does a tap dance in a wheelchair...
...The entire Department is in mourning for Franco and Salazar...
...Down with urban life...
...What is it this time...
...Who is Nelson waving at...
...I have plenty to contribute, Gerry...
...Anyway, nobody ever claimed 1 was smart, except Ron Nessen, and he's on the payroll...
...And isn't that Teddy Kennedy peek-a-booing around the stage...
...They all vow that they will support the ticket with passion in November, but their minds are definitely elsewhere...
...Can these people really be Americans...
...Where are their minds...
...Folks...
...Henry...
...Subsidize the stock market...
...He dozes...
...I'm sorry, sir, the Secretary is away sulking.'' "Forchrissakes, tell him I'll give him back the National Security Council...
...He dreams that Nelson Rockefeller is assuring him of the enthusiastic support he is going to give the ticket in November...
...Gerry," says Dick, "Ted and I axe going to be advisers, counselors, spear bearers in your campaign...
...The motorcade stops...
...The limousine "eceives a jolt...
...No...
...But from out of that cloud comes a finger which writes across the heavens in letters of flame: "Gerry Ford is a big sissy...
...You'd be surprised how many people would rather have me next door than where I'm living at present...
...They are concentrating on the spreading cloud...
...The limousine is moving...
...You've heard me let New York City have it...
...Why, there's Hubert Humphrey looking like Mr...
...He wriggles, but their grips are tight...
...Sure, Ted," he replies, "but not here...
...Is that the President of Egypt or of Israel...
...Now I'm back with you, Gerry, me and Ted, and we promise not to let you out of our sight ever again...
...Remember...
...He stumbles and is pushed back into his bulletproof limousine by the agents...
...He feels himself fading into their shadows...
...Where is J. Schlesinger...
...I may not be as smart as Ted Agnew, but I have a cleaner mouth than Dick Nixon...
...Gerry, I made you what you are today...
...No amnesty for welfare mothers...
...Okay, it's not bad for the image...
...my decent impulses are under control...
...Fred Harris and Morris Udall make like Indians...
...Oh, I've heard it said that people don't respect me or that they don't think I'm smart enough for this job...
...You've seen me fall on my ass on the ski slopes, heels over ears...
Vol. 59 • February 1976 • No. 4
