Fair Game
GOODMAN, WALTER
Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN Season's Festivities HERE WE ARE again folks, in the holiday season, time of celebration and charity drives and resolutions and predictions. Time to look ahead. Good...
...The oil companies will complain about the media...
...Choosing a Collection Agency...
...They can be served either at room temperature or warmed over...
...CRITICISM At a meeting in Nairobi, an arm of UNESCO will criticize Israel...
...A Teamster Union official will be indicted...
...The laments will be accompanied by shrimp cocktail, roast beef au jus and fruit ice...
...Herewith, then, a complilation of events worth missing if at all possible...
...Lillian Hellman will pre?sent herself with a medal, and Garry Wills will clap...
...The proceedings will be recorded, for future sale, by Alexander Butterfield, John Dean, John Erlichman, H. R. Haldeman, Spiro Agnew, and persons unknown...
...4) integrated schools heighten racial animosities...
...Somebody somewhere will write something about the universal significance of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman...
...SEMINAR Members of the Provisional Irish Republican Army will throw a semi?nar for underdeveloped revolution?aries on the problems of bringing liberation to people who have not requested it...
...LESSONS The entire Puerto Rican nationalist movement will gather at a small motel in Quebec to take French lessons...
...They will be picketed everywhere by the Not Very Sectarian Committee for the Right to Life as Long as It Is Lived in Accordance with the Notions of the Committee...
...New York City will muddle through...
...TROPHY The governments of France, Pakistan, West Germany, and Brazil will join in offering the first Plutonium Power Trophy-a mushroom cloud on a field of bodies-for advances in adapting the peaceful atom to warlike uses...
...President Carter will not balance the budget...
...2) it does not matter how many teachers schools have because students do not learn anyhow...
...There will be Paul Robeson records, jokes about Alex?ander Solzhenitsyn, a protest against the execution of the Rosenbergs, and a hanging in effigy of Lionel Trilling...
...A period of harmony between Democrats and Republicans will be ushered in...
...It will also be ushered out...
...It will of course be unshelled, will very likely be salted, and may be roasted...
...WORSHIP Former parishioners of the Plains, Georgia Baptist Church will join orthodox South Africans in New Year's worship...
...The press will be barred...
...DEMONSTRATION The Palestine Liberation Organization will stage a highjacking, with an all-Japanese cast...
...3) children who do not attend integrated schools are being deprived...
...Somebody will publish a book announcing the end of civilization as we know it...
...Ski masks will be distributed...
...Wine and apples will be available...
...The tapes will be doctored by Rosemary Woods...
...INFORMATION Ministers of Information from the Third World countries will gather to inaugurate a new press service which will truly reflect the ideals of the developing nations...
...REUNION Former White House aides will gather with the former President to share memories of their hours together...
...CONCLAVE The board of directors of Amtrak is scheduled to meet in Balti?more at 6 P.M...
...ACCENTUATION In a major effort at image-repair, the nation's pornographers will re?solve to accentuate the peanut in all publications and productions during the next four years...
...The New Leader will muddle through...
...Season's Predictions IF YOU have no occasion to use the following guaranteed predictions this year, put them in the freezer for 1978...
...TOAST Nelson Rockefeller, Ronald Reagan, John Connally, Gerald Ford and Robert Dole will all drink a toast to a Happier New Year...
...CITATION Meeting in Paris, an arm of UNESCO will cite Israel...
...on January 2. The members are traveling by train, and will be late...
...John Mitch?ell will swear...
...Separately...
...There will be breakthroughs on the gastric acidity-reliever, body odor and dampness-reducer, wrinkle-repairer, miracle gray hair-remover and fragrant breath-restorer fronts...
...Britain will muddle through...
...6) educators use a lot of gas...
...A businessman will bribe a Congressman...
...Golf Shoes...
...Yes, You Can Get Your Kid Into Med School Even if He Is Unusually Stupid...
...OUTLAWING At a meeting in Minsk, an arm of uNESCO will outlaw Israel...
...Henry Kissinger will make a deal for his memoirs...
...Details to come after the event...
...REPORTS Specialists in education will issue a series of reports that prove (1) many schools do not have enough teachers...
...The Case for Malpractice...
...General Alexander Haig will march in time...
...LAMENTATION A group of New York City bankers and company executives will meet at Windows on the World to lament the excessive pensions be?ing paid to municipal workers...
...Television programs will not get better...
...Finding Happiness in Other People's Old Age...
...Reviewers of major publications will be on hand to praise the hardcover edition...
...Ralph Nader will not tell a joke...
...CONDEMNATION At a meeting in New Delhi, an arm of UNESCO will condemn Israel...
...PAMPHLETS The annual convention of the American Medical Association will feature tax-deductible pamphlets on the following topics: Putting Socialized Medicine to Work for Us...
...Owing to the shortage of fresh subjects in these places, the government of Thailand has agreed to supply unmarked students in exchange for electric prods...
...RALLY Veterans of the Joseph Stalin Brigade will rally at the site of the Katyn massacre...
...The FBI will be caught doing something its director didn't know it was doing...
...Good will is once more rampant and everywhere people are getting together to advance their causes...
...Football halfbacks will get more money...
...Insurance companies will raise their rates...
...DRINK Employes of the South Korean CIA will have a very quiet drink with employes of the U.S...
...REEDUCATION Police officials from Chile, Iran, Laos, and Brazil will trade information on the reeducation of students and others...
...and gifts in plain envelopes will be distributed to everybody by Bebe Rebozo...
...The Urgent Need for Fewer Doctors...
...DELEGATIONS Cuba and India will exchange delegations of political scientists for the purpose of complimenting each other on their refinements in democratic procedure...
...the former President will he...
...Rabbi Baruch Korff will de?liver the invocation and Charles (Born Again) Colson will handle the benediction...
...5) school buses use a lot of gas...
...PLEDGE All incoming Cabinet appointees will be asked to pledge not to make jokes about racial minorities in the presence of John Dean...
...After the program, there will probably be a wake...
...EXHIBIT Under the slogan, "You don't have to be pregnant to enjoy an abortion," the Friends of Dilatation and Curettage will provide their services at cost on a first-come-first-scraped basis at public sites around the country...
...Senior citizens will be provided for entertainment...
...PRIZE A Pulitzer Prize will be awarded to any Washington reporter who does not do a feature story on the extraordinary policy role to be played in the new Administration by Rosalynn Carter, Lillian Carter, Billy Carter, Amy Carter, or Walter Mondale...
...DANCE The American Civil Liberties Union will sponsor a dance for in?ner city youths who have been convicted twice or more for crimes of violence...
...STUDY The National Rifle Association will commission an objective study proving that homes with guns are safer homes...
...A couple of cops will shoot each other...
...The collection will go to the construction of a church for persons of color in a Louisiana swamp...
Vol. 59 • December 1976 • No. 25
