Fair Game
GOODMAN, WALTER
Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN The Mafia Looks Around NOT LONG after the laying to rest last month of Carlo Gambino, head of the Benevolent and Protective Order of Sicilian-Americans, the family...
...Cooperatively, TONY THREE FINGERS DEAR TONY: The spirit in which your organization is going about its recruitment is commendable...
...we looked into his record and he's another giveaway artist he gives stuff to the Russians forchrissakes...
...There is a bright young black man, lately returned from several years abroad, who seems ready to get into something new...
...Those guys were ready to do anything, and their names all end in "n...
...Anyhow, they don't have the right backgrounds...
...As for the Maryland character, he was getting to be a pain anyway...
...Your friend, COMPUTER #781 Within hours, the following telegram was delivered to OEO...
...There's this one terrific executive we heard about he's living out in San Clemente now...
...Two vowels...
...They could bring us a lot of know-how...
...Our people in Washington guarantee he never heard of Sicily...
...Just our luck, at the moment they're tied up writing books...
...Two Fingers...
...He walks in, takes one look around at the executive committee of the Sicilian-American Anti-Defamation League, and says he don't associate with people like us...
...Who downtown is gonna do deals with this meathead...
...You will find that this applicant meets all the criteria for affirmative action in this situation except for height, and her hats make up for that...
...Extend my personal sympathy to Tony and Mrs...
...Amiably, OEO COMPUTER #781 The New Look A DAY LATER this note, wrapped around a rock, was sent through a window of OEO headquarters...
...We don't know from swarthy, but one of them has a military-industrial complexion and the other is oily...
...Unfortunately, our geography division informs us that he, too, is of southern European extraction, though slightly to the right of Sicily...
...If you read The New York Times, you know we're trying to recruit a higher type individual, and we think we got just the man to lead this year's United Sicilian Appeal...
...Enclosed find the job history of an applicant who, we believe, is definitely worth your serious consideration...
...We're leading the field...
...A real nasty tongue . called everybody a fat Jap...
...Nevertheless, our latest read-out discloses that there has never been a black president of the Sicilian Marching and Chowder Society...
...Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN The Mafia Looks Around NOT LONG after the laying to rest last month of Carlo Gambino, head of the Benevolent and Protective Order of Sicilian-Americans, the family elders entrusted with choosing a new don received the following letter from the Office of Economic Opportunity...
...headquarters...
...If only Columbia University were that reasonable...
...No record...
...Furthermore, your guy doesn't qualify when it comes to spelling...
...In the commotion, Tony Three Fingers' middle finger got bit off...
...And there's a bunch of other terrific executive types who were part of his operation...
...I think he was too swarthy to qualify...
...We need people who know how to take money, not hand it out...
...Plenty of experience up front and his name does not end in a vowel...
...DEAR #781: What kinda crack is that about us not going all out for civil rights...
...Manny the Mug -he ran a con game...
...So he can't be our corresponding secretary no more...
...FRANTICALLY, PETE THE GIMP And that's how it came about that the new chief of the Congregation of American Mafiosi is Mao Tse-Tung's widow, Chiang Ching...
...WE GIVE UP TAKE HER AWAY OR TAKE US AWAY THAT VOICE AL THE BULL GOT HER MAD AND IS NOW IN NURSING HOME GIVE US A BREAK REMEMBER WHAT WE DID FOR THE WAR EFFORT AND HOW WE WENT ALL OUT FOR THE CIA SEND ANYBODY SEND TARZAN SEND KING KONG SEND THE DRAGON LADY...
...As for that farmer you sent us, But7...
...They recommend a new guy, who's gonna be out of a job come January...
...Believe me, Manny, we're trying hard...
...The Warren Court wouldn't stand for it...
...Let me ask you, is that constitutional...
...Possibly there are historical reasons for this situation, but your hiring practices appear to violate the spirit of the times as well as various provisions of this office's Affirmative Action Program...
...We are confident that with some affirmative exertion, you can produce a candidate who will broaden the makeup of your management ranks in accord with the principles of the Office of Economic Opportunity...
...All of us here look forward to a reasonable accommodation...
...Our family is not only on record against illegal entries by the FBI, we are against legal entries...
...We are obliged to inform you a further read-out reveals that never, repeat never, in the entire history of the Federation of Sicilian Philanthropies has it had a leader of the female sex...
...Check him out...
...No, I do not have a mustache...
...It didn't matter...
...Perhaps this was an inadvertance, but a good faith effort now would dispel any feeling that your organization is not up to the mark civil rightswise...
...I gotta tell you we are not happy with that list you sent us...
...So we're sending your guy back express collect...
...I did my time at Trenton State...
...except that I got my thumb stuck between the "i" and the "o...
...Or at least somebody who can count...
...DEAR SIRS: Our analysis of the leadership of your organization over a period of many years shows a preponderance of short males with swarthy complexions...
...We don't mind that the guy you sent us is a big blond who don't speak our language, but a contact in City Hall tells us he's the one what got New York City to where it is now and then skipped...
...When it comes to bugs, you can't tell us from the ACLU...
...Also, he tells lousy jokes...
...Do you have a mustache...
...Therefore, we are sending this dispatch in the charge of a well known female politician lately set at liberty by a large Irishman...
...Well, it's booze under the bridge like they say...
...Listen, Manny, you gotta be reasonable...
...Sincerely, OEO COMPUTER #781 About a week later, the following note was delivered to OEO head-quarters by four men in a black car: DEAR #781: Some coincidence, you and me are just two numbers apart...
...His name is Cleaver and he is accompanying this letter...
...That colored guy you sent us, was that some kinda joke...
...We don't know a lot about him, except that he does what he's told and hands out pardons when necessary...
...Please notice that the names Miranda and Escobedo end in vowels...
...Your new friend, AL THE BULL DEAR AL: Please accept our apologies for the behavior of our last applicant...
...The presence of persons of Irish descent and unreasonable facsimiles in New York City politics is now being analyzed and we may have to take the entire electorate of the city to court...
...I think you should look into the problem...
...A guy from Gulf...
...Insofar as we can determine from the works of Mario Puzo, your top executives have originated in the main from a small section of southern Europe and their real surnames have invariably ended in vowels (i.e., the Messieurs Riccobono, Bandi, Lombardozzi, Zingara, Ferrara, Gallo, Castellano, Fialla, Dellacroce and Zappi...
...I knew #781 pretty good...
...Our lawyer (he's a little swarthy and not tall, but he doesn't know from Sicily he says his father is a Litvak and his mother is a Galiciana) tells us that the letter "y" is not a 100 per cent vowel...
...When your colored guy gives with the insult, Crazy Eddie, one of our senior vice presidents, who has a terrible temper, picks him up and throws him out the window...
...Moreover, his record around the Maryland State House and in Washington, as well as his activities since that time, do indeed indicate that he is suited to the post in question...
...Encouragingly, OEO COMPUTER #781 Looking for Mr Badbar A FEW DAYS later, a note was found slipped under the door of O.E.O...
...A guy from Lockheed...
...We need a serious person in this job...
...Is he allowed not to associate with people like us...
...Your organization is therefore expected to make a full-Hedged, cross - your - hearts - and hope-to-die effort to recruit from a larger pool of applicants...
...Your Pal, TONY FOUR FINGERS, #783 Corresponding Secretary DEAR TONY: In response to your recent response to our notice, we are gratified to discover, after investigation, that your preferred applicant's surname concludes with a "w," which, we are advised, is not a vowel...
...He has discovered religion during his years abroad, and there may be a place for him in the Carter Administration...
...DEAR #781: I woulda got back to you sooner...
...Could it be that you are Manny the Mug and this is a new con game...
...Enclosed you will find a list of newly available persons with executive experience who it is felt would add diversity to your leadership ranks...
...But back to business...
Vol. 59 • November 1976 • No. 23
