Fair Game
GOODMAN, WALTER
Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN Official Business Finding myself threatened and harassed by dangerous characters through the mails and over the phone, I sought assistance. I dialed 911. A couple of...
...Yes, but you'd better hang up...
...Very likely flying with a bad crowd...
...They confiscated the works of De Quincey and Coleridge...
...Call Abe Beame.' "I'd appreciate somebody taller...
...This here is Fear City...
...The static was getting worse...
...Higher Authorities The harassment continued and Grandma was complaining about new aches...
...We're keeping a low profile this month.' "Budget exigencies, I presume.' "No...
...On the other hand, if they have been consorting with foreign fowl or foul foreigners, we might help out with a little surveillance, like we do with Congressmen...
...Gosh yes, the media...
...It was scarcely dinner time before the HEW spokesperson returned...
...You should be glad you're still alive...
...A couple of days later, a policeman showed up at my door...
...It's not exactly an old-age problem, although I am feeling older all the time...
...I called them...
...I read...
...The apartment didn't look good, and I knew I had better report the incident to the authorities...
...Well it's close to home...
...How come...
...Nothing serious actually...
...We require the number for identification, sir...
...Figure on a 78-22 split...
...they had me fooled even after one of them flashed a badge and muttered something official-sounding...
...We have a nice assortment of them...
...I called two days ago," I said mildly...
...But when I dialed the Federal Bureau of Investigation, I ran into a bad connection...
...I can't hear a word you're saying...
...Thank you for calling CIA.' The phone went dead...
...We have warranted taps, many of which are warrantless...
...It was time to seek out a higher authority...
...Until then, don't bother looking for a job at a university...
...They showed up at four o'clock in the morning, disguised as thugs...
...They have been killed-murdered, one might say...
...He gave me his box number...
...Within a couple of minutes, they killed our cat and the children's parakeets...
...Unfortunately, we won't be able to get to your problem right away...
...This was a job for the G-Men...
...You're interfering with one of the relatively very few wiretaps that we have laid on suspect citizens...
...Hello," I said...
...Why...
...I have this problem . . ." "Domestic or foreign...
...Thanks," I said...
...Nothing compared to what the Federal regulatory agencies have been up to...
...Regarding the insurance settlement...
...Certainly, sir...
...He scowled...
...I need help...
...I am not at these here premises in the capacity of a peace officer...
...A necktie, perhaps, or cuff links...
...Meantime, can you tell me where I can find a policeman...
...Highest Authority I called the CIA...
...I'll go 70-30...
...But keep it under your hat...
...If you're short of special agents on account of they are all out searching for Patricia Hearst, an unspecial agent will do...
...So I called the city and got the inspections division...
...When I remonstrated with them, they called me a pervert and told me to face the wall...
...I sighed, dialed the source of my harassment and threats, the Internal Revenue Service, and surrendered...
...There are no quotas in the Department for helping people like you.' "I see...
...Okay, but use a coin phone...
...We got a report from the drug-enforcement guys that your living room was a mess, stuff all over the place...
...A discrepancy here, a typographical error there...
...A bunch of the boys are bound to be over there molesting motorists...
...Hello, inspector," I said...
...No, citizen...
...Now read that sheet before I run you in...
...Meanwhile, please allow me to send you a token...
...When you call FBI headquarters from a tapped number, we get an awful echo here...
...The firemen are falling ill, the sanitation men are sulking and the only judge I know has been indicted for embezzlement...
...I was told to hang on...
...I gazed at my busted-up house, my dead pets, my aching grandmother...
...Sorry to be a nuisance...
...Oh, you might be able to beat us down a few points.' "Sounds flexible enough...
...They busted up the apartment, slapped around Grandma, frisked the babies, and used terrible language...
...There were peculiar noises on the line...
...Arrangement...
...Darn snoops.' "We'll get back to you...
...And he handed me a sheet of paper...
...But you know how the media blow these things out of all proportion...
...And we have warrantless taps, most of which are unwarranted...
...When the children began to wail, the troopers explained it was in the animals' interest and we'd be getting a personally signed letter of apology from the Governor's Conservation Chief...
...And I'll watch my step and try not to get in the way of any perpetrators...
...No way to slip me into a quota, I suppose...
...So I called Albany, where that big oilman's brother lives, and asked for the State Police...
...No offense, officer...
...May I have your Social Security number...
...Thanks...
...Central Intelligence Agency-assassins to the world...
...The disguises were very good...
...I told the State Police that I was in need of assistance, and it was not long before two crisply-uniformed troopers arrived...
...Well, you might try having a leg amputated, and apply for job training...
...They worked fast...
...For one thing, the children's parakeets are dead...
...The U.S...
...They wasted no time...
...He was wearing a gun under his bowling jacket...
...Is this my Federal Bureau of Investigation...
...The policeman went away with his leaflets...
...But the thing is, they're dead...
...I'll be sure to let the Mayor know how worried I am...
...The HEW spokesperson and I seemed to have nothing left to say to one another...
...Hmm...
...You can send someone around tomorrow if you like...
...I sat at my tapped phone for a while...
...There is a law on the books, I believe, that says when an official busts up your apartment you have to fill out a form within 12 hours explaining what it was doing in his way...
...You might try the Brooklyn Bridge...
...They've got superior equipment...
...He will explain to you that it was done by the Kennedy brothers...
...The sheet warned me about my chances of survival in New York City, where fear stalked the streets because the police budget was being cut...
...Hello there, HEW," I opened up...
...Well, if you have any accusations to make" the voice turned definitely cool, "you can take it up with the Vice President...
...I checked your Social Security number, sir, and I'm afraid we cannot help you...
...We'll settle for 20 percent- 10 for us, 10 for the boys upstairs.' "Is that customary...
...You mean, my phone . . . ?" "It's nothing personal...
...You a smart aleck...
...Mulling over my next move, it occurred to me that the Department of Health, Education and Welfare was reputed to be a soft touch...
...Grand...
...I fished out my Social Security card and read off the number...
...You are a white, middle-aged male, without a Spanish surname...
...Should I call back...
...Our colleagues, the meat inspectors and the grain inspectors, have been getting a bad press...
...You understand, sir, that the CIA has no statutory authority over domestic birds...
...Let me assure you, sir, that I'll get right to work tidying up the living room, just as soon as we've buried the cat...
...You'd better try the Central Intelligence Agency...
...I'm sure we can work out an arrangement...
...Then you have not come in response to my summons for assistance...
...It seemed to me that I had a Federal case...
...Good afternoon," came a smooth voice...
...I am not prepared to apprehend a perpetrator...
...After a while, the drug-enforcement guys figured out they were at the wrong address, made me sign a paper putting all the blame on myself and went away, too...
...I called the drug-enforcement guys...
...They were young parakeets...
...He gave me a policeman's look...
...Would you please come inspect my apartment...
...To be sure, to be sure...
...I am here in a spirit of concern and friendship...
...My list of emergency numbers was exhausted, except for my doctor, who was engaged in a slowdown in defense of his right to charge high prices for indifferent work...
...How about an on-duty policeman...
...Say, I wonder if you could help me out...
...Bella Abzug refuses to keep it under hers...
...They're suspicious...
...The drug-enforcement guys were here.' "Certainly, sir," the inspector replied...
...Who could blame them...
...Since we were now out of animals they went away...
...It's just that I seem to have this harassment problem...
...They are at least five-foot-seven and alleged to be very gung ho...
...You probably want our Mafia branch, poisons subdivision...
...You might try the drug-enforcement guys...
Vol. 58 • August 1975 • No. 16
