IMPROVING THE ART OF SELF-PRAISE
KITMAN, MARVIN
On Television IMPROVING THE ART OF SELF-PRAISE BY MARVIN KITMAN "Nothing reveals more about the insecurity of many creative people than the avalanche of awards that sprout on television like a...
...And we all remember the candidate for best waiter who said, 'If elected, I will not serve.' "But in show biz, there is no end to it...
...It was delivered in May on Shalit's own program, Man About Everything, on NBC radio...
...You must learn how to walk across a set distance, say the length of the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion stage in Los Angeles, and perform the task without looking as if you are about to stab somebody...
...Despite some 27 years of these speeches, a single volume of memorable ones has yet to be compiled...
...Awards often rub furriers the wrong way...
...It took courage for Asner to criticize the boss publicly...
...Still, I feel that award shows do have several redeeming values...
...A publishing cliche used to say a collection of Italian war heroes' stories, Irish cooks' great recipes and Jewish business ethics would make the smallest book in the world," Gene Shalit said...
...Now if I only had a job...
...Butchers do not loin-ize each other...
...Nobody likes to argue with Shalit-one of the most intelligent, perceptive, witty, handsome men in broadcasting-because he's liable not to find the time to review your book on Today...
...There is no arbitrary limitation on speeches like the nonsensical old "30-sec-ond rule" established in 1975...
...In fact, all awards on TV are coveted...
...How are TV people going to know they are doing good work if they don't tell themselves...
...He said, upon being informed of the award by envelope-reader Charles Nelson Reiley: "Meow...
...As the only reguular network TV reporter covering the world of literature, he is the closest thing the medium has to a bookmaker...
...Why is there a show biz obsession with self-congratulations...
...The collection would fit under a thumbnail...
...The basic error of the Emmy producers has been trying to make viewers think they are tuned in to another segment of the Oscar presentations...
...Besides being visual, the Tony Trapdoor Technique adds badly needed suspense to a show...
...Both elements are covered in my second suggestion, the Victor Multi-Clasp Envelope Method...
...The recipient, by his words and manner, is supposed to say, "Big Deal...
...It is named for my friend Tony Gentile, a newspaper editor, and works as follows: Say Cloris Leachman, holder of the all-time record for long-windedness, wins again next year...
...That's why the Emmy symbol is so far in the background you can barely see it...
...On Television IMPROVING THE ART OF SELF-PRAISE BY MARVIN KITMAN "Nothing reveals more about the insecurity of many creative people than the avalanche of awards that sprout on television like a fungus...
...So let's put an end to all the awards...
...You remember radio...
...Tonto the cat won a Patsy for "The Best Performance by an Animal in a Feature Film...
...A door located in the stage floor suddenly opens and Miss Leachman disappears from sight...
...At the mention of the word "family"-as in "I was told I only had 30 seconds, so I just want to thank my family, and...
...Unfortunately, though, it merely assures brevity, the soul of wit, not necessarily quality...
...The first is the Tony Trapdoor Technique...
...the director hits the button on the console marked "trapdr...
...To put it another way, the show should certainly be more visual...
...The World's Most Memorable Acceptance Speeches-now that's what I call a really small book...
...Tonies...
...It teaches the viewers humility, something they rarely see at any other time on TV...
...Some things go by the boards with the passage of time, like spats and the hoopskirt...
...It wouldn't even make a thin paperback...
...But I firmly believe that the adoption of Trapdoor and Multi-Clasp Envelope would do more to win over opponents of TV's Night of Nights than any of the so-called improvements of this past year, including not having Cher show her navel for the first time in the history of her TV career...
...It is the acceptance speech itself, however, that tells the audience just how much a particular award is coveted...
...Over the last few years this has been expanded to include such aspects of human behavior as honesty...
...Another important contribution of award shows is the spontaneous acceptance speech...
...And Tony Randall broke precedent by using his turn to post an employment ad...
...The hope is that it will look like the Oscar with a sex change...
...The Emmy award, of course, is coveted...
...And you would still have room for the brains of a director of the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences...
...Let us invoke the statuette of limitations...
...Other trades don't do it...
...The inability of Emmy winners to project that quality has usually been one of the greatest failings of the TV industry's crowning event...
...She comes forward in her underwear, or whatever tasteful creation she will surely think of...
...Miss Leachman, or any of the other animate performers making the rounds of award shows in the future, might want to rip off Tonto...
...He advocated that the MTM Enterprises cat be spayed to cut down on the number of knockoffs of spin-offs...
...But it is wrong...
...Their major contribution to Western civilization has been preventing the handshake from becoming obsolete...
...True, the movie world's spectacle is the most popular of all these programs according to the Nielsen ratings, but its success only proves that the television audience is star-struck...
...It will never work...
...At any rate, the decision of the director should be final and irrevocable under the Tony Trapdoor Technique...
...The problem is sincerity...
...This was invented by Victor S. Navasky, a consultant at the Russell Sage Foundation (who conceived the idea while moonlighting as a TV viewer...
...But the great number of cultural leaders who have been practicing the art since the early '50s in preparation for that Night of Nights-as the Emmies are called-has played an important role in prolonging the custom...
...Even the Lulu, of the men's fashion something or other-won this year by Barbara Walters (Not For Women Only, NBC) for her outstanding achievement in presenting a five-part series on menswear-is coveted...
...There may be other, more serious flaws in the Emmy show that will become apparent once the acceptance speeches are brought up to higher standards...
...There are production measures, though, that can compensate for that shortcoming...
...After all, the Emmy's dignity has to be preserved...
...I sure am glad I won," his promo ran...
...Grammies...
...with the emphasis on both the first and second word...
...If a speech is going well-like Robert Blake's oration on the importance of being Baretta-it is allowed to run...
...The above commentary on the television industry's most prestigious programing innovation in a quarter-century, by Gene Shalit of the Today show, is my nomination for the outstanding denunciation of the year...
...This was not invented by Antoinette Perry, for whom the Broadway theatre awards-hailed by the critics as the most entertaining, informative and exciting-are named...
...Will the great harbors be nominated by their piers...
...Emmies...
...The function of the Emmy acceptance speech has traditionally been educational...
...The National Academy, producer of the shows, must stop repeating the same mistakes that it learned year after year from the Oscar awards...
...After the winner rushes on stage he thinks to himself as he fingers the contents of his pocket, "And the winner is . . the envelope please...
...Ed Asner (Lou Grant on the Mary Tyler Moore Show) used this year's Emmy awards (May 19, ABC) as a platform to support Zero Population Growth...
...Do bakers give out Crummies...
...The best acceptance speech heard this long award season-on any show in any category-was made by the co-star of Harry and Tonto at the 25th annual Patsy Awards (June 16, ABC...
...Hardly any other awards are sillier than Emmies, which aside from having the most grotesque statuette, have the most categories-almost 300 this year...
...Glue-makers consider prizes tacky...
...At least two appropriate devices come to mind that would not only pep up the proceedings, but would cause the actors to take their acceptance speeches more seriously...
...Some of them are too long at five seconds...
...As for Gene Shalit, in using his valuable air time to call for a statuette of limitations on award shows like the Emmies, I think he reveals himself to be a hopeless idealist...
...Shaking a hand, incidentally, is a much more difficult thing to do in show business than might be imagined...
...This year it was an open pajama top with an unmatching bra that she apologized she did not have time to fasten properly...
...While the handshake, by and large, has been perfected-it is possibly the most consistently successful element of the Emmy ceremonies-the acceptance speech is still evolving...
...On her way down, one of the busty girls who accompanies the winners to the podium deftly grabs the prize out of her hand...
...Then he pulls out the one fitting his mood at the moment...
...The handshake, by all calculations, was destined to fall in this age of un-chivalry...
...It requires every nominee to come prepared with five short acceptance speeches in separate envelopes-on "humility," "honesty," "social protest," or whatever else is "in"-each one written by a team of professional speechwriters...
...Social protest is also big...
...A better man couldn't have won" is a current hot theme...
...One would think that television people would know how to use their own medium...
Vol. 58 • July 1975 • No. 14
