Fair Game

...The Colonel clicked his heels and placed a hand on the decorations "I promise not to drive over 55 miles an hour, to keep the thermostat down to 68, and to take an inventory of my garbage once a week " His voice rattled the half-empty bottle of distilled water Agent Boodle glanced toward the cafe owner, who seemed to be swatting cockroaches But you could never be sure with these people "Roger, Colonel Have a seat " The Colonel sat down, waving away his bodyguards They moved quickly to the bar, knocked out the proprietor and set to work raping his wife, their three daughters and their young son "Colonel," began Agent Boodle, "I bring you greetings from the Secretary of State who, needless to say, does not know I am here and is absolutely in the clear on this m case anybody should ask " "Ah, Henry'" The Colonel's breath hit Agent Boodle full in the face, but he did not blink The Manual contained express instructions not to let colonels know they offend "How I love that man' Never in the history of your great nation have you had such a lovable Secretary ot State I could kiss him for hours Would you ask him, please, to send me a case of his after-shave lotion...

...Colonel " "Did Henry send along my monthly envelope...

...I have no opponents Who would oppose somebody like me?' Agent Boodle was about to make the appropriate check, but held off thoughtfully "Let's suppose, just hypothetically that an opponent should arise What would you do7" The Colonel shrugged, jangling his medals "Oh, maybe we'd have a little fun with him Maybe we'd put sugar m his gas tank " "Cuban sugar, Colonel...

...He could just stick it in with the next shipment of blackjacks for our National Reeducation Program " "Glad to...

...Colonel—but before I can turn it over, I must ask a few questions in line with the President's new policy regarding the use of Agency funds " "Ah, your great President Please be sure to convey to Admiral Nixon the assurance that we are trying, in our underdeveloped way, to live up to the standards ot good government he is setting for us " "Mr Nixon is no longer our President, Colonel Another fellow now holds that post " "I understand These things happen I myself have gone through four presidents in three months If you want, I could send you a couple of civilian advisers to help keep things under control during the transition Rocky can put them on his payroll " Although the shrieks from behind the bar were getting kind of loud, Agent Boodle forced himself to concentrate Agency policy strictly forbade intervention in the internal affairs of a foreign country "Colonel, the President has declared that Agency action is justified only in cases where American interests and the interests of the people ot the given nation will benefit' "That's what I call Good Neighborly I am with your President, whatever his name is, 100 per cent Give me the envelope ' A small boy entered the cafe and began shining the Colonel's boots with his shirt ends Agent Boodle drew out the updated 1974 Agency Questionnaire "First, Colonel, the questions " "Shoot" A militiaman sprayed a wall with bullets "Number one—have you lead and enjoyed the U S Constitution...

...I do have an envelope for you...

...We could paste my picture on all the ballot boxes But, as Henry understands, we are a poor country and I have a big family What is the point ot spending all that money on elections when there is no opposition...

...Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN WIN with the CIA Agent Boodle got to the cafe early, following the Manual's recommendation to be at a rendezvous site an hour before the set time In the event the contact shrewdly showed up an hour early, too it was standard procedure to get to the next rendezvous two hours early If the contact caught onto that tactic, the Manual suggested three hours Agent Boodle was a professional His meeting was set for midnight and he had been sitting in the cafe since noon, pretending to read the Latin American edition ot a December 1969 Reader's Digest, which he had signed out from the department of mustaches, wigs and Reader's Digests Headquarters charged 3c1 a day tor overdue items Since agents had recently been urged to cut down on expenses as part of the Administration's anti-inflation campaign Agent Boodle was nursing a bottle ot distilled water He sensed that the cafe proprietor and his large family had been developing suspicions about him since dinner time, and he regretted that he hadn't requisitioned a cheese sandwich and a larger format magazine He also regretted that he couldn't read Spanish But patience was part of the job He buried his chin in his trench-coat collar and waited Shortly after midnight, the contact appeared Agent Boodle recognized him by the American decorations that criss-crossed his chest He had come by tank, and was escorted by a couple of militiamen with sten guns at the ready He clumped over to Agent Boodle's table "Is that you behind the magazine'" The contact spoke very loudly Agent Boodle pursed his hps over the peaks of his collar "Please, Generalissimo, you didn't say the greeting code " "Call me Colonel " "The greeting code, Colonel Please " "Sonofagun, you're right...

...In my country, we have no political prisoners That's on account of we have no politics Give me the envelope, please " Agent Boodle checked the negative column beside pohtical prisoners "Do you permit your opponents to get across their ideas via the media...

...Agent Boodle could scarcely hold back a chuckle "Not in a million years We'd get it direct from Washington as part ot the foreign aid program Between you and me, though, my uncle, the Minister of Agriculture, might expect a small kickback " The shoeshine boy tucked in his shirt and waited The Colonel tousled the lad's hair, then reached into an inside pocket and pulled out a signed portrait, which he proffered with a flourish The boy seemed puzzled The Colonel nudged him with the tip of a boot and the youngster flew out of the cafe "The future of our nation,' said the Colonel with a catch in his throat Agent Boodle wished that the Colonel's bodyguards would stop throwing whiskey bottles around "One final question, sir When do you anticipate you will be able to hold free elections/" "Ah, free elections Believe me, sonny, there's nothing I'd rather do What could be nicer than a national election day, with parades and tanks and the National Guard in battle gear helping the peasants make their marks...

...You betcha A copy has been issued to every secret policeman in the country And that's a lot of copies" "Number two—how many political prisoners do you have in your jails...

...Colonel " "And tell your President I'm going to cut the peasants' food allotment first thing in the morning No sacrifice is too great for our peasants In fact, tell your Secretary Butz he can send our wheat allotment to Brezhnev ' "Swell of you, Colonel' "I know your latest President must be a lehgious man All your Presidents are religious men So tell this one I am going to make sure that everybody in my country says a prayer for the American dollar and wears a button " "Gee, sir began Agent Boodle—but the Colonel was gone A decent night's work, thought Agent Boodle, and another chapter for the memons It was past one a m The Cafe was messy but quiet Agent Boodle took a sip ot the distilled water It was flat He sighed and turned down his collar In 16 hours, he was due in Lisbon, and he had to fly coach...

...It is a wasteful thing Inflationary In tact, I am planning to write your President suggesting he could cut costs by vetoing the year 1976 " Agent Boodle checked the right boxes and put away the questionnaire "Thank you, Colonel The President says if you have any other recommendations for beating back inflation, please send them to the White House right away He'd sure appreciate it You will receive a personal letter of thanks, several pieces of useful literature and a button " "Be sure to send them special delivery I'll be waiting by the palace mailbox Now, please, the envelope " "Perhaps you'd pieter to have your funds converted directly into V S Treasury notes this time sir instead of transferring them to the Gnomes ot Zurich It would help bolster oui economy " "Believe me, there's nothing I d like better, only I'm putting all my spare cash into gold bars " Agent Boodle handed over the envelope 'You understand, sir, that nobody in our government accepts responsibility for or knowledge of the passage ot these funds from the U S Treasury to you ' "Naturally ' The Colonel counted the bills, holding each one up to a light bulb "I already don't remember anything about it" He pocketed the envelope "Hey, Paco Hey, Ramon Let's get out of this place I have to go collect my envelope from our Russian friends " The militiamen did up their trousers and moved toward the door "Goodbye,' said the Colonel "Tell your Sefior Schlesmger I'll keep buying his guns as long as he keeps giving me the money to pay tor them He's a terrific salesman, that Schlesmger " "I'll relay the message...