Fair Game
GOODMAN, WALTER
Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN Prayer Meeting The following invocations were delivered at a combination prayer breakfast and press conference performed recently in the Rose Garden of the White...
...Did he order HEW to castrate John Dean...
...my makeup staff gets a bellyache every time they see him on television...
...Billy's department all right...
...At those times, a member of The Presidency priesthood, say Ken Clawson, will present it to the assembled worshippers, for reverence at a distance...
...Under this amendment, The Presidency will be placed within a tabernacle sealed with the Presidential seal, absolutely no leaks...
...Here we stand, a testament to Thy goodness, oh Lord, from our Gucci golf shoes to the golden glint of our hair...
...Billy feels about bad language...
...What I propose is to set up a small, elite operation, composed of 100 per cent trustworthy ass-kickers who will keep Thy enemies on the run...
...But just look at Dick...
...I don't mind about the taxes...
...Lately, some have asked why Dr...
...I switch on the light and comb my hair and stand before my full-length mirror?and a surge of belief rushes through me...
...It was inspired by You and Russell Baker...
...Impeach Joe Stalin...
...Never have I permitted my personal disgust to get in the way of my duty to hobnob for Thy glory...
...Consider the many hospitals still standing in Vietnam that wouldn't be there if Richard Nixon were profligate in his use of Power...
...Third, if things get real tough, find God...
...I get all choked up when I hear people charging me with crimes that I may or may not have committed...
...Will You prove worthy...
...There are problems here, Lord...
...He must spend a pretty penny on them, but they never fit right...
...The worshippers will bow the knee and chant hosan-nahs to The Presidency...
...Smile upon Thy servant, Richard . . . open Thy hand to him . . . send him a tailor...
...In what way, I ask, has Richard Nixon abused the power that You placed in his hands...
...Personally, I'd rather face the Devil than the IRS any day...
...Never mind the Washington Post...
...Many's the hour Ike and I passed reflecting upon eagles and bogeys, and Lyndon could count on me not to distract him while he was carrying out Thy will in Southeast Asia...
...Help me to keep my eye on the ball, Lord And my putting could use a little guidance too...
...Bob Hope says he has run out of jokes on this particular subject...
...And when Your Jesuit talks about Power, it makes the front page...
...Oh, I grant the man has his faults, but no major ones come to mind...
...And his clothes...
...When it's over and the people are relaxing, I'll do a little fund raising...
...John J. (Jesuit) McLaughlin: "Ho, God...
...The national interest and me, we went hand in hand...
...Now I realize that in a great democracy like ours individual rights have got to be protected, especially when they belong to me...
...Constitution, for Richard Nixon...
...He really made a balls of it...
...Still, something has to be done about Dick...
...Lord, who can look upon me and still doubt Thy omnipotence...
...AH of us, Julie, Ron and I, are counting on Your Presence this evening...
...You paying attention, Savior...
...Consider the many Americans who have not had their phones tapped...
...Barry Goldwater says he never received our invitation...
...It took specialists 10 years to do something about his five o'clock shadow...
...Pay attention, God...
...Sometimes, Lord, I go through one of those dark nights of the soul that we read about in the Epistles...
...Everything I am, practically, I owe to You...
...My conscience has been aching...
...There is nothing wrong with Power...
...At just the right moment, a member of the Washington press corps, chosen at random, will be sacrificed...
...Ehrlichman says that if you're being tried in Washington, D.C., make it a colored lawyer...
...There are plenty of lesser evangelists around who can handle that sort of thing...
...My intentions were always on the up-and-up...
...Fifty dollars a head, no riffraff...
...I have learned my lesson, Savior...
...There's something about the way the man is put together...
...You did a terrific job...
...That's what I like about You...
...You, for example, have Power, God...
...My case holds lessons for public servants...
...he blames the Socialist post office...
...What a cluck I was not to put the blame on John Mitchell...
...Since then, my heart has been heavy...
...I can be very useful in Your line...
...Think upon Genghis Kahn and Tamerlane and Caligula And then tell me that Richard Nixon does not exercise Power with a mild hand:-Impeach Adolf Hitler...
...Everybody knows how Dr...
...The climax of the rally will come when I propose a Constitutional Amendment to protect The Presidency from outsiders...
...This is Your Jesuit talking...
...Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN Prayer Meeting The following invocations were delivered at a combination prayer breakfast and press conference performed recently in the Rose Garden of the White House...
...Open, and he just can't drop everything on account of an expletive or two...
...Rabbi Baruch (National Citizens' Committee for Fairness to the Presidency) Korff: "Almighty, you are cordially invited to this catered rally we're throwing in honor of The Presidency and Thyself...
...I am going to explain to You about Power, upon which I have long been pondering in my nice apartment at the Watergate...
...But write a thank-you note to Richard Nixon...
...Billy holds no brief for dirty words, in the battle against Sin, Dr...
...And Gerald Ford is always on the road, saying one place today what he'll take back elsewhere tomorrow...
...Charles (ass-kicker) Colson: "Oh, Savior, Whom I have lately come across, stay by my side as I tread through the fields of felonies...
...We know Your schedule is tight, but if You don't show we'll have to revise the program, and it's getting harder and harder to find somebody to pinch hit at the last minute As a matter of fact, let me be frank...
...Between the two of Us, We'll turn this country around before You can say, 'screw everybody.' You can count on me, Savior...
...Billy (Evangelist) Graham: "Oh Lord, we are resting here on the ninth hole to meditate upon Thy beneficence, and give You a chance to admire the matching outfit we had made for us by a devout tailor in Hong Kong...
...Second, if you're caught, hire a lawyer and cop a plea...
...What I say, God, is this?any politician who gives a job to somebody like me is my kind of politician...
...My relation with Presidents is especially well known...
...That's it, Almighty...
...You know me . . . I'm the fellow who'll do anything...
...No cameras permitted...
...Always on my mind was the country I love and the people I hate...
...The evidence is clear, God...
...The Gideons have supplied a thousand Bibles as door prizes?no deletions, no inaudibles...
...It will be taken out from therein only on National High Holy Days...
...It is not Power that corrupts people, it is people who corrupt Power...
...Billy is in the U.S...
...First, when pursuing the national interest, put nothing in writing and keep your mouth shut in bugged rooms...
...His hair...
...There is a telegram of greetings from Ron Ziegler...
...Did he have Daniel Ellsberg knocked off...
...Can I count on You...
...Now, although Dr...
...Talk about an unimpeachable source...
...Bugging reporters and bombing Cambodia belong in other departments, but bad language that's Dr...
...Julie and David Eisenhower are here for the political side, a patriotic country music group for entertainment, and yours truly for the spiritual stuff...
...But somehow, in my righteous zeal, I was led off the straight and narrow...
...I hereby dedicate myself to keeping this great democracy safe for people like Chuck Colson...
...It has shaped up as some occasion...
...Oh, plumber me no plumbers...
...It makes people nervous to look at him Lord, be gracious...
...On my honor as a Jesuit, Richard Nixon has exercised his Power in accord with Jesuitical principles...
...Many's the course I traveled with Spiro Agnew...
...Just between Us, we've had our problems with the RSVPs...
...Take the long view...
...Think about it...
...The Rev...
...I have searched the White House transcripts for evidence of evil inclination, and I can tell you straight from Your Jesuit that Richard Nixon comes out spiritually A-OK...
...If I may say so, God, he has a much better record of restraint than You...
...He proved unworthy of my dedication...
...Well, when that happens, You know what I do...
...Our first choice for Your Spot was Henry Kissinger, but He's sulking...
...In this great country, we have got to keep in mind, every sonofabitch is entitled to his day in court...
...If I got serious about tax returns, they'd begin barring me from country clubs, along with Jews and colored folks...
...I'm a walking commercial for Paradise...
...his complexion...
...Billy has not criticized Dick for using bad language...
...Billy is all tied up with his commitment, in Thy Name, to fight Sin and the Devil and to break 80...
...There must be plenty of sinners around who ought to have their offices firebombed, their files burgled, their wires tapped, their tax returns audited, their reputations slandered, their careers ruined...
...Why should a man be deprived of a little touch of me just because he is rich and powerful...
...It was definitely a mistake to say I would walk over the body of my grandmother, never mind the U.S...
...As You've probably noticed, I have taken it as my calling to hobnob with the great of the world...
...Personally, I find myself attracted to the commodity...
...Has he nuked the Judiciary Committee, though Heaven knows he has been sufficiently provoked...
...Take a look at Thy servant, Lord...
...Did he have Judge Sirica seduced...
...All we need is a small office in Heaven's basement and a list...
...Get me out of the clink so that I may do Thy works...
...the way he perspires...
...Do me a favor, Almighty, and turn him into an Edsel...
...Now I want only to walk over the old lady's body in Thy service...
Vol. 57 • July 1974 • No. 15
