Fair Game
GOODMAN, WALTER
GairJe BY WALTER GOODMAN An American Family "We are using this film to say something about this country, and what it means to be a man and a woman."—Craig Gilbert Last Tuesday morning, I...
...Definitely brown...
...The camera had caught me...
...Only we don't have soft...
...My nerves are atingle...
...The cameraman, on tiptoe, was poised to catch the popping of the toast...
...Don't smile," he said...
...He sighed...
...Like grown-ups...
...Be sure to change your shoes first," said Pat...
...Pat began to say something important, but at that moment the rock band led by my youngest son, Grant, went into rehearsal and I couldn't hear anything...
...Eggs are messy...
...This is educational television...
...Our conversation seemed in danger of petering out, but Pat saved it: "Although not as dark as that other pair you got that other time...
...I talked it over with the producer, and he explained to me that this is the best place to discuss our divorce...
...Sixty million TV fans don't have to see you drip...
...Maybe we could communicate better in the next room...
...Pat stroked her chin...
...Balls...
...Pat had forgotten to smear it...
...Maybe you're right...
...Butter or marg...
...unless a dark stranger sweeps me off my feet...
...What color would you say they are, dear...
...I have this headache...
...Also, it's practically a guarantee of a Newsweek cover...
...Defend ourselves...
...Divorce is no laughing matter...
...Smeared, please," I hollered back...
...You know something...
...Yes...
...Exactly...
...Right...
...This is the best place...
...Pat kissed his forehead...
...Cameras do something to me...
...I scratched my stomach with realism...
...I can appreciate that...
...Great...
...Bill . . ." "What, Pat...
...When I turned toward him, he said, "Sorry...
...You can have a slice of toast with regular or soft margarine," I said...
...There was a pregnant pause...
...Let me get it for you, dear...
...The Big Scene "While we're on the subject," said Pat, clearing her throat, "I think I should tell you, Bill, I've decided to get a divorce...
...The cameraman and the clipboard girl went off to spend the next six hours capturing Grant's sounds...
...You were right about those shoes...
...Hmmmmm," said Michele...
...Not as dark as that other time...
...our trooper...
...I looked up in pain and drowsy confusion to find a man taking moving pictures of me...
...Toast...
...I asked, really interested...
...Michele wants to go into show business, only she has trouble memorizing lines...
...In fact, the more I think about it, the less I understand what it is that we mean to say...
...Yes...
...It's being staged by Andy Warhol for the benefit of Planned Parenthood...
...That's because you have unusually sensitive nerves, dear," Pat said gently...
...I got up and checked out my knees...
...Marg...
...They'll bill us as 'the broken family of the year.' People will write letters to the editor about us...
...It was my oldest son...
...How about some breakfast...
...Why, what lovely shoes," Pat said, inspecting them...
...Stop twitching...
...From the image that we are now projecting...
...They were darker rather than lighter...
...The clipboard girl smiled with satisfaction...
...And we'll probably get a shot at the Dick Cavett Show...
...You know, Bill," Pat said...
...Pat stared severely into her coffee cup...
...Trying not to look at the camera, Michele exited kitchen left...
...I didn't smile...
...I glanced over at the girl with the clipboard...
...I noticed that...
...The producer smacked me in the back of my head...
...You'll drip...
...It's not a step to be entered into lightly...
...She'd forgotten to buy Cheerios again...
...I'm off to the East Village for the annual King Ludwig of Bavaria Drag Ball...
...Sometimes, I think that Lance has more life in him than any of the rest of us...
...Look, Dad...
...Sunglasses...
...I always have eggs...
...Okay, I'll have Cheerios...
...Would you like the toast smeared or dry...
...I really would've liked a couple of eggs, medium, but Pat was right—I do drip...
...I can see it already: 'Tune in Thursday and watch the raving fag.'" "Please, dear...
...What would you say...
...I'm sorry...
...Definitely more life...
...Again the facsimile kiss...
...A diaphanous something slithered through the room, took a detour between the toaster and the camera, and settled itself with a flounce against the sink...
...Not frivolously...
...Then, under pretext of a good-morning kiss, she whispered, "No eggs...
...It took me a moment to realize that we were on...
...Well, you see, that's the whole point...
...Lance shook his garments and put forward his pelvis...
...We're this week's American Family," she said...
...Remember, it's just an ordinary day in your ordinary household...
...Bill...
...What is your thing...
...But rest assured that we mean to say something...
...Uh huh...
...I'd say they were . . . uhhhh . . . brown...
...He was trembling with anticipation...
...This time I was ready: "Definitely...
...I reeked enthusiasm...
...The toast popped...
...Pat called...
...It smelled of musk oil...
...I have new shoes...
...That's nice, dear...
...In calling this show 'An American Family,'" he explained, "we don't mean to say that it is just any American family...
...I checked my fly...
...And he ate my last piece of toast...
...That's right," ad libbed Micl'ele...
...Soft...
...Cinema verite...
...She nodded encouragement...
...The producer, whose reputation, it occurred to me, we were in the process of making, joined us at the table...
...Have toast...
...Argue, dammit...
...The cameraman was getting a close-up of my chin stubble...
...That will give us an opportunity to defend ourselves...
...The producer explained to me that it's a dramatic device to wake people up in the middle of the TV run...
...In the pause, I sensed that something was expected of me...
...In a corner, a woman was pressing a clipboard to her chest, and another fellow, evidently the boss, was scowling at me...
...An answer seemed to be called for...
...On the other hand, we don't mean to say that it is the American family...
...My mind wandered...
...Oooooh," he passed a hand across his brow...
...Thanks loads, Dad, but I really can't stay...
...Yeah, breakfast...
...Good morning, dear," Pat said...
...It was a rare morning that Pat reached the kitchen before me...
...I managed to get to the table without stepping on any wires...
...Yes, rather than like children...
...The cameraman got real close to the shoes...
...Just make like we're not in the room, that there is no camera here, that several million people are not going to listen in on what you're about to say...
...No, it's not that kind of a step...
...This experience has shown me that we are not communicating...
...Good morning, Mom...
...We should talk it over seriously...
...Pat's brow creased: "Definitely more dark brown than light brown, I'd say...
...I was getting into the spirit...
...The girl kept nodding...
...Sometimes I think Michele has more life in her than the rest of us...
...That's my husband, Bill," Pat said...
...Bill, these people are taking movies of us...
...You're not supposed to notice them...
...Don't stay out late...
...Craig Gilbert Last Tuesday morning, I shuffled down to the kitchen for breakfast and tripped over a wire...
...Whatever they let me do...
...Just go on with your breakfast," he directed...
...How about regular...
...What...
...Well, I have to brush the horse," said Michele...
...The poor kid must've been up all night getting her entrance down...
...I'll be back around Thursday . . ." Lance floated to the door...
...With butter or margarine...
...I made sure my pajamas were buttoned, and limped toward the refrigerator...
...now here she was, not only awake, but done up for high tea, eyelashes and the works...
...Definitely...
...It's a better image...
...I believe that Grant is trying to deafen himself so that he won't be fit for any other line of work...
...I started, and realized I'd been drowsing...
...The boss, carried away, murmured, "Terrific stuff...
...Don't notice me...
...With the camera distracted, Pat whispered, "The producer says that Lance is perfect for the show's advertisements...
...Then to the cameraman: "Get the way he gulps...
...We don't have soft...
...No kidding...
...You said, 'divorce...
...Oh...
...What the hell—in for a dime . . . "Yes, yes...
...I'm hoping they'll let me do my thing...
...Yes, definitely...
...Look, Mom...
...Pat blocked me...
...Still, when I saw the camera, I felt I ought to come down and participate...
...Michele, our youngest, came in, and as the camera turned on her, I took the opportunity to get a bite of toast...
...Pat's fingers toyed with the coffee spoon, and I knew without looking that the cameraman had them framed...
...its hair was puce...
...Mmmmm, I'd say they were dark brown...
...Did you say something...
...Regular or soft...
...Good morning, Dad...
...Right...
...He was gone...
...Just go on being your usual early morning selves...
...Pat leaned forward...
...It gives me the vapors...
...He's full of life, that boy...
Vol. 56 • April 1973 • No. 8
