Getting Gulled
MARGOLIS, RICHARD J.
States of the Union GETTING GULLED BY RICHARD J. MARGOLIS Archaeological note: The following manuscript was found recently beneath the rubble of Flockville, a small suburb that flourished briefly...
...Later you will fly into a towering rage...
...Several miles uptrack a familiar whistle signaled the approach of the 6:39...
...Fly me...
...Instantly the men of Flockville arose, buttoned their vests and raced to the train station to join the daily scramble for bread and status...
...Not exactly," said the young man, looking a little scared...
...Several miles uptrack a familiar whistle signaled the approach of the 6:39...
...They did the same...
...Jonathan learned much arcane wisdom: how to distinguish Prestone from kerosene...
...Happy landings...
...It's . . . it's just that I couldn't bring myself to get on that train today...
...Then he flapped his arms...
...I am a perfect unlimited gull," Jonathan repeated...
...so did they...
...No, Old Soak...
...A regular fly-by-day," Jonathan corrected him...
...It can cut you up bad...
...You want to learn to fly without benefit of booze...
...How will I know you...
...so did they...
...In the Hideaway, the two strangers clinked glasses with Jonathan...
...Now go back to Flockville," Mao enjoined him...
...Jonathan approached him...
...Instantly the men of Flockville arose, buttoned their vests and raced to the train station to join the daily scramble for bread and status...
...He beckoned to the young man...
...Fogarty set up the drinks...
...First thing you do is lie down on your back," counseled the wizened sage...
...As Jonathan sipped, he noticed a couple of strangers standing at the other end of the bar...
...The theater was empty that night, except for a dwarf in the balcony...
...They had appeared early, like two morning stars, and their breath gave off an overpowering, 86-proof glow...
...Suddenly he realized he was different from other commuters...
...He stood on his chair and daringly juggled a dozen pitted olives...
...But returning home one night he found himself in the bar car of the Flockville Local...
...he muttered, shaking his head...
...So this is heaven," he mused...
...I'm flying, I'm flying...
...You're getting to be a regular barfly...
...But compared to these guys I'm just a groundling...
...I really do...
...I used to think I was good," Jonathan confessed, "that I could fly high...
...Jonathan Siegel uncorked the flask...
...Jonathan scratched his head...
...He narrowed his eyes in fierce concentration, raised the liquid to his lips, held his breath and . . . slurp . . . slurp . . . slurp . . . practiced his gargles and swizzles...
...The trick is to think of yourself as a seagull-as a perfect, unlimited gull...
...He sang three choruses of "Dream the Impossible Dream...
...So you can imagine his surprise when everyone moved to the other side of the bar car and turned their backs...
...He realized he had a lot to learn...
...Vanished as mysteriously as he appeared," remarked Jonathan...
...I'm really flying now...
...I'm Jonathan," he said...
...You again, Jonathan...
...you've got way ahead of me...
...I certainly appreciate your advice...
...And as he waited he removed a hip flask from his pocket...
...Screw 'em...
...Jonathan," the voice whispered, "meet me this evening at the Pitkin Avenue Loews and I'll teach you new ways to fly...
...Jonathan Siegel watched the train pull out...
...But there came a time, a sad and wonderful time, when Old Soak gave Jonathan Siegel a penetrating stare...
...It was like being hit with a baseball bat...
...The usual," he ordered...
...All right," Jonathan demanded at length, "who are you...
...The next morning, full of silver hues and ripples, Jonathan Siegel went straight to Fogarty's...
...Give me the usual...
...He saw a murky vision of himself through the yellow hues and ripples...
...He really tried...
...One day he was walking down a street of heaven when he came upon an ill-shaven man lying underneath a car...
...he asked...
...Jonathan Siegel knew he was the life of the party, a prince among men...
...Finally, he doused his hair with Drambouie...
...Well, what the hell...
...My name is Mao," announced the dwarf amiably...
...Fogarty arrived...
...Then he laughed...
...Far down the platform he spied a lonely figure, a young man holding a briefcase...
...Jonathan felt bad about Old Soak but he had only a moment to brood, because just then he heard a voice...
...For instance: the complicated mathematical ratios that lead to the precise moment of vermouth...
...The three floated out of Fogarty's as one, cutting a wide swath through the morning dew...
...That's not the half of it," Mao continued...
...The day dawned in golden hues and ripples...
...Jonathan Siegel extended a hand...
...There's nothing so exhilarating as a low dive," they exclaimed...
...He was wearing a purple carnation...
...Know what I mean...
...States of the Union GETTING GULLED BY RICHARD J. MARGOLIS Archaeological note: The following manuscript was found recently beneath the rubble of Flockville, a small suburb that flourished briefly in ancient Connecticut...
...Why don't you find a job and settle down...
...Yes...
...It took Jonathan many years to get the knack of being a perfect gull...
...Each morning he boarded the 6:39 and rode down to Great Grubby City...
...Jonathan nodded obediently...
...Jonathan downed seven martinis in quick succession...
...Jonathan's knees buckled, there was a roaring in his ears...
...he murmured as he slurped...
...Come on," he said, "I'll buy you a drink...
...But way off alone, beyond track and train, stood Jonathan Siegel...
...he avoided taverns...
...For the next few days Jonathan Siegel tried to behave like the rest of Flockville...
...He dove into a double stinger on the rocks with a Chartreuse chaser...
...Remember, our motto is...
...They're shunning me for my principles," he grumbled...
...Jonathan Siegel smiled...
...He stood outside Fogarty's Bar & Grill, awaiting its opening...
...See here...
...He was, as people go, not a bad sort...
...Jonathan and Old Soak, the eager student and the patient teacher, became an inseparable duo...
...The whiskey glided smoothly down Jonathan's gullet...
...It all seemed so . . . so . . . humdrum, so earthbound...
...Then they went to the men's room...
...Once you've been 'gulled,' as we say in the trade, you commence to fly off the handle...
...He called on employment agencies...
...The man was drinking antifreeze from the radiator...
...Oh boy...
...Poppycock," demurred Old Soak, and immediately disappeared into the gutter...
...I'll be wearing a carnation," the voice replied, "with purple hues and ripples...
...Give me the glorious heights of Old Crow-with a beer chaser...
...Old Soak," implored Jonathan, "teach me to fly...
...Fogarty watched them disappear into the Sunset Hideaway, across the street...
...Scholars, noting its tiresome airs, date the fragment circa 1972...
...please...
...Not for me the sweating commute, the big crowd, the little office...
...The two were airborne many a day...
...Miss your train...
...Jonathan stared into his drink...
...From now on you're on your own...
...Lookee here," he croaked, "it's about the hour for you to be moving on...
...Jonathan," admonished Fogarty in fatherly tones, "this here drinking business is all very well, but it's not getting you anywhere...
...1 think I do," he acknowledged...
...He chugalugged a Bud...
...Vanished," thought Jonathan, "as mysteriously as they appeared...
...I need you...
...We are your mates, Jonathan, come to take you home to that big tavern in the sky...
...Urrp urrp urrp," he called...
...Booze won't bring home the bacon...
...how to remove radiator drain plugs...
...Jonathan careened all over heaven, and wherever he went he met people who believed exactly as he did...
...responded Jonathan...
...And watch out for broken glass...
...And ultimately, if you persevere, you may even fly in the face of convention...
...But one day Mao gave him his diploma...
...The following months were pretty fantastic...
...Wordlessly, Jonathan put them to the test...
...Each one teach one.' " The day dawned in golden hues and ripples...
...or the many nuances that go into the execution of a triple rum flip...
...I can't teach you nothing you don't know...
...You're right, Fogarty," he conceded...
...Stunt for stunt the diaphanous strangers kept pace with him...
Vol. 56 • April 1973 • No. 7
