So You Want to Go to College
MARGOLIS, RICHARD J.
States of the Union SO YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE BY RICHARD J. MARGOLIS Boys and girls, may I have your attention please? Let's all settle down now. Homer, you will please put away your book....
...Here is another analogy: mongrel thoroughbred : I. man: god 2. man:angel 3. alloy:metal 4. anger:piety 5. variegated :motley Good, Debbie...
...Homer, if some of your relatives wailed at your grandfather's funeral, perhaps it's because they are immigrants...
...Good for you, Julia...
...Homer, do you really think it matters whether we identify with the pitcher or the batter...
...Well, they are commonly called STAES...
...I believe we have time for one or two analogy questions...
...School has begun...
...That's not a "Verbal" problem...
...It wouldn't be fair to the rest of the class...
...Johnson was not the sort of gentleman who would have had cronies...
...You, who have such a fine mind, if you'd only apply yourself...
...No, Homer, the correct response is not "admiration...
...The people at Barron's have made up thousands of simulated sat questions, which they say are just like the real ones...
...Now what...
...That will be one hour of detention for you, Homer...
...And what do you say...
...What are Scholastic Aptitude Tests...
...Their children will know how to behave at an American funeral...
...What do you mean you agree with Disraeli and Johnson...
...Here is the next question: The work, published__revived our interest in the author who had just died...
...A good college is an institution of higher learning that caters to students who have gotten good grades on their Scholastic Aptitude Tests...
...Eleanor Wylie called man a "mongrel beast...
...Crippled crops" is a fresh alliteration, while "blighted crops" is stale...
...Johnson with his__of__could be found at the tavern every evening...
...We're going to practice some of the "Verbal" questions today...
...It's a question of right or wrong...
...Tell us the answer, Julia...
...That's official school policy...
...Yes, Debbie, the correct answer is "apprehension...
...Nc, Julia, the children did not drown posthumously...
...What is it this time, Homer...
...I'm not going to call on you again...
...Homer, that's a terrible thing to say...
...it's all about sports: strike ibaseball :: 1. fault:tennis 2. kickt??swimming 3. birdie??golf 4. off-side??football 5. finesse ??bridge Anthony, we have no way of knowing whether it was a swinging strike or a called strike...
...Homer, we are not learning how to write good English...
...1. copious 2. blighted 3. meager 4. verdant 5. crippled "Blighted" is correct, Debbie...
...If you get a high grade, you are likely to get into a good college...
...Ready...
...Well, I fail to see how that . . . And Alexander Pope said "Men would be Angels, Angels would be Gods...
...and they consist of multiple choice questions which measure your ability to do college work...
...Redundant...
...Johnson actually said that?--I live in the crowd of jollity, not so much to enjoy company as to shun myself"--the certainly never mentioned paroxysms...
...That's official policy...
...Johnson couldn't have written his dictionary posthumously...
...Well, I'm sure the people at Barron's have an explanation...
...That's right, Debbie...
...What I hear you saying is that if the pitcher throws a strike it is like a tennis player serving an ace...
...What is a good college...
...We would most assuredly not be filled with admiration if our neighboring country expanded its military strength...
...Let's try another: Dr...
...So put on your thinking caps, boys and girls...
...But, Homer, if Dr...
...Don't be silly, Julia...
...1. coterie-friends 2. bevy-accomplices 3. group-cronies 4. dictionary-language 5. paroxysms-joy Anthony, if you wish to speak, raise your hand and wait your turn...
...I'm not deaf...
...Remember, these questions are designed to test your ability to reason with words...
...Why are you raising your hand again, Homer...
...Crops" and "blighted" go together like "fire" and "raging," "brook" and "burbling," "link" and "missing...
...Now prepare yourselves for a really hard one...
...Well, I'm surprised at all you sports buffs...
...we are learning how to get good grades...
...awe 2. amazement 3. admiration 4. apprehension 5. anger Does anyone know the correct answer...
...it has two blanks: At the church the visitors__with the__parents of the children drowned in the lake...
...Do you realize, Homer, that you have missed every single practice question...
...but if he pitches one high and outside, it is like a tennis player serving a fault...
...Yes, Debbie, the visitors "commiserated" with the "bereaved" parents...
...Here's an easy one: The seriousness of the drought could only be understood by those who had seen the__crops in the field...
...Dear me, aren't we full of questions today...
...Posthumously...
...Johnson was with his "coterie" of "friends...
...I'm talking to you as a friend...
...Try to pay attention...
...This is not a time for reading...
...Homer, even if Disraeli did say, "A blight seems to have fallen over our fortunes," that doesn't prove anything...
...1. mingled-grieving 2. chatted-ensconced 3. commiserated-bereav-ed 4. lamented-wailing 5. spoke-sorrowing No, Anthony, there is never more than one right answer...
...Americans always commiserate with the bereaved...
...You are very smart to have known that...
...You boys will like this first one...
...And don't look so surprised...
...Don't shout...
...The correct answer is: strike is to baseball as "fault" is to "tennis...
...I don't care if we are sending millions of dollars worth of arms to Mexico...
...Our text for this unit is Barron's 538-page volume, How to Prepare for College Entrance Examinations, Fourth Edition...
...Disraeli said, "I hate definitions," and Johnson said, "All definitions are hazardous...
...I see--it's talked about every week in your church bulletin...
...that's Social Studies...
...I assure you I have only the highest respect for Greeks and other foreigners...
...It's not a question of fresh or stale, Homer...
...Anyone who fancies himself to be college material should know that one of the feelings people are filled with these days is apprehension...
...Perhaps we had better go back to a one-blank question...
...Mongrel is to thoroughbred as "alloy" is to "metal...
...Fill in the blank with the proper word: The present expansion of the military strength of our neighboring country must fill us with___1...
...Therefore, if we are to believe Pope and Wylie (both of whom fill you with apprehension), mongrel is to thoroughbred as "man" is to "angel...
...Why do you say "posthumously" is bad English, Homer...
...1. posthumously 2. anonymously 3. privately 4. prominently 5. synthetically Oh, I see so many eager hands...
...Homer, not as a teacher: If you want to go to college, shape up...
...Today we start an exciting new unit: How to Pass Your Scholastic Aptitude Tests with Flying Colors...
...You feel he could be found in the tavern every evening with his "paroxysms" of "joy...
...That happens to be the wrong answer...
...Peter, I'm afraid you're wrong...
...Quiet...
...Now these are very tricky, so pay careful attention...
...This is no laughing matter...
Vol. 54 • April 1971 • No. 8
