Fair Game
GOODMAN, WALTER
Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN Super Conspiracy Doubt is being voiced regarding the current charges that a band of priests, nuns and others conspired to kidnap popular Presidential assistant Henry...
...Sometimes the President lets me tune in on his pipeline to Young America...
...These guys distoibing you, Sister...
...35 .. . Dobrynin: Zionist running dogs of imperialism...
...Georcetowner: Where's the action...
...Panther: Yeah...
...Panther (looking about distastefully): What's all these mothas doing here...
...Our David come to judgment...
...Alfred: They're in jail, sir...
...Hoover: Yes, we've got the goods on them all...
...Call me Malcolm Gamal Abdelovich...
...Peace pennants hang from the hot water pipes, and on one wall, alongside a tattered portrait of Robert Finch, are blow-ups from The Battle of Algiers...
...Take my arm--somebody may be watching...
...This night's adventure will cost you 20 years apiece in the coop...
...Henry Kissinger adjusts his tie, checks on his extra hanky and sets forth on his evening's duties...
...Where are the Berrigan brothers...
...Georgetowner: The Italian Anti-Defamation League...
...How about Dean Martin...
...Panther: Hang back, Whitey...
...Blanche: The package, needless to say, is nonnegotiable...
...Georoetowner: Oh, fudge--we did the Panthers last season...
...Super Benefit In bursts a group of very smarts-looking Georgelowners...
...25...
...Attention must be paid...
...The tension is broken by the opening of the door...
...Hoover: I refuse to speak, except off-the-record, in the presence of a nationally syndicated columnist...
...Up the Liberation, Anatoly baby...
...You want my pal Tony the Bludgeoner should put the arm on them...
...Don't trifle with Malcolm Lumumba...
...Alfred: A female impersonator in Butte, Montana...
...A titillating evening for all...
...Stickemup...
...The National Security Council has finalized a plan for just such a contingency...
...He pauses at the door...
...Kissinger: You mean . . . Hoover: Exactly...
...Blanche: My order switched to miniskirts a year ago...
...All the arms of government will make a coordinated strike to free me, even if it means my certain destruction...
...They are, of course, from the Jewish Defense League...
...Kissinger: Ah, my pet, a charming pad...
...Mean dudes...
...Why don't we all try to be friendly...
...Did I become Ambassador to the United States in order to be treated as though I was in Moscow...
...It's . . . how do they say . . . funky...
...Be that as it may, a vision has come upon me--not quite blinding perhaps, but a vision withal, and it explains absolutely everything...
...Dobrynin: Ah, Kissinger, I should've known I'd find you here...
...Dobrynin: Hands off, degenerates...
...Super Encounter The door bursts open...
...He snatches the medallion...
...The Georgetowners and the Mafiosi exit, planning their benefit evening...
...We'll give them such a potsch...
...Identify yourself, Special Agent...
...The courts'll back you all the way...
...Hoover: You're nuts if you think I'm going to swallow that kind of alibi...
...This could cause some inconvenience, Sister...
...Mafioso (closing in): What've you done lately for the Italian Anti-Defamation League...
...The basement of the Department of Health, Education and Welfare...
...Blanche: Not "motha," dear...
...Fair Game BY WALTER GOODMAN Super Conspiracy Doubt is being voiced regarding the current charges that a band of priests, nuns and others conspired to kidnap popular Presidential assistant Henry Kissinger and do something to the Federal Establishment's heating system...
...They go off...
...Special Agent...
...That's a heavy sound, man, direct from where it's at...
...I always said he had a peculiar accent...
...I'll have just enough time to pop in on the Mitchells...
...Only "sistah...
...It's Butte, Montana, for you...
...Hoffman (gleefully): You're in contempt, my hearties...
...God, how you people have suffered...
...I'm Sister Blanche...
...Kissinger: Demands...
...The history books tell only about Al Capone...
...He clicks his peace medallion, and it turns into an FBI identity card...
...Panther: What's Czechoslovakia...
...I'm carrying an extra hanky for him...
...It's in the contract, and I no longer have tenure at Harvard...
...Why don't they harass Irish crooks...
...I shall make a representation to Secretary of State Rogers, if he can be located...
...JDL Lads: Judge Julius Hoffman...
...They approach him...
...JDL Lad: Enough shmoozing already...
...I got Dillinger, didn't I? Come along, Special Agent Alfred...
...giggles and elbowings...
...We'll walk you to the bus stop...
...Right on...
...JDL Lad: Hey, we'll supply twin cantors, a baseball team and a chorus of Hava Nigillah...
...Just lettum try something...
...We have just time enough to make the morning papers...
...Sheldon, show him a muscle...
...Throughout the liberated world, there will be spontaneous beatings of American tourists...
...Kissinger: Would you settle for a stern note to South Africa...
...Blanche: No, thank you...
...If they resist, bind and gag them...
...Georgetowner: And the great names you've produced...
...Two prominent Washington hostesses are depending on me this evening...
...The door opens and in come two grim-looking Panthers, in regulation outfits, with Judge Julius Hoffman squeezed between them...
...Where's the action...
...Otherwise, to Henry Kissinger, who can't be avoided...
...Our Akiba...
...Our motto is: First Switch, Then Fight...
...Panther: Or with Malcolm Nkrumah...
...You're back with your own people...
...This is Special Agent Alfred, female impersonator and agent provocateur...
...Mafioso: Nuttin to it...
...Enter J. Edgar Hoover, followed close by a pair of capo regimes from Newark...
...The allegations seem improbable to some people, as if improbability had any meaning in these political times...
...Kissinger: It won't work...
...Don't worry, Judge...
...Mafioso (removing his hat): Pleased to meetcha, Sister...
...Hoover: I'll get them yet...
...JDL Lad: Come on, Judge...
...How about Fiorello LaGuardia...
...Kissinger (his eyes caressing the show of ankle, calf and thigh): You don't look Sisterish...
...Slip me 10 big ones and I guarantee to produce three outstanding Panther warriors, in shades and leather pieces...
...Blanche (whipping out a pistol): We are in the Washington headquarters of the West Side conspiracy, and I am Sister Blanche...
...Kissinger: Good evening, Anatoly...
...They're having another screening of Love Story with the dirty words blipped out, and the President has promised to come...
...Kissinger: Maybe we ought to go now, too...
...Kissinger (sinking onto a pre-strike-settlement grape crate): Ahhh, betrayed by a change of habit...
...Don't you read Tom Wolfe...
...JDL Lad: Get in there, you Red rat...
...Who do we see about throwing a benefit...
...Panther (moving in on Georgetowner): All Power to the People, man...
...dig that Marxist-Leninist theory...
...In stumbles Soviet Ambassador Anatoly Dobrynin, pushed along by two teenagers in sweatshirts across which is stenciled the phrase NEVER AGAIN...
...Blanche: Can I let him go now, sir...
...Blanche (waving the .45): You don't stir from here, you genocidal maniac, until our demands are met...
...This isn't Cornell...
...Blanche: We are holding you hostage for an end to the war, the abolition of racism, clean air, and the appointment of William Kunstier as Attorney General...
...Dobrynin: Up the Third World...
...Hoffman : Go to it, boys...
...You'll get a commendation for this night's work, Special Agent...
...Hoover, though I've frequently hung you in effigy...
...Blanche: I am sorry things are so messy, but we weren't expecting this many people...
...As Joe Alsop has reported, the feasibility of this limited preventive-action deployment plan has already been proved in field tests in Southeast Asia...
...They depart, leaving only Hoover, Kissinger and Sister Blanche in the basement...
...Dobrynin (sotto voce): We'll leave Czechoslovakia out of it, eh...
...Enter Henry Kissinger, in black tie, followed by a trim, miniskirted young woman...
...We didn't take you hostage to make propaganda, you Red rat...
...In fact (with a bow to the ladies) Tony the Bludgeoner will throw in one vicious beating...
...Mafioso: You betcha...
...Sistah Blanche...
...After a period of arguing about whether History has been less kind to Jews or to blacks, the Panthers and the JDL troopers warily exchange hostages...
...Alfred rips open his bodice to reveal a hairy chest...
...I've never had the pleasure of meeting you in person, Mr...
...Could you arrange to have, say, a half dozen authentic thugs drop by for cocktails next Tuesday...
...Georgetowner: A benefit for Jews...
...I'm the Benefit Chairman...
...Hoffman (as they go off): Yes, 20 years apiece...
...The Panthers and JDL troopers assume primary karate positions and utter guttural warming-up sounds at each other...
...She turns to J. Edgar Hoover...
...Where exactly are we, cutie...
...Mafioso (surveying the Panther-JDL confrontation): Hey, what kinda funny party is this...
Vol. 54 • March 1971 • No. 5
