Guest Column
ARGUS, M. K.
GUEST COLUMN The Genesis of A Soviet Volunteer By M. K. Argus On November 9, 1956, Ivan Ivanovich Nincompupov received a summons from his district's Communist party committee. Nincompupov had...
...You mean, you refuse to volunteer...
...He worked in a bakery called "No Dough But Nuts to You" (formerly "Stalin's Doughnuts"), and he lived, with his old parents and a 9-year-old sister, in a small but sumptuous room of a magnificent four-room flat shared by five other families...
...The entire population of the Soviet Union is filled with indignation...
...That's right," Nincompupov agreed...
...Nincompupov had completed his military service about two years ago and was now in reserve...
...No, no, no...
...You'll like it there...
...1 already have 50 volunteers...
...You've read in our newspapers about the dastardly attack of the capitalists on a defenseless people...
...I don't know if they want me to surpass my quota...
...I'm telling you: Sign right here...
...He was about to marry a fine, upstanding Soviet girl, Nina, who worked in a ladies' undergarment factory called "Marx's Petticoat...
...Nincompupov would also have volunteered to go to Siberia to develop virgin lands had he received an order to do so...
...However, he had already volunteered to work overtime and forego all holidays...
...Yes...
...It's a merry city...
...Down with the invaders...
...He marched voluntarily in all parades, oversubscribed voluntarily to all Government loans, attended voluntarily all meetings, and voted voluntarily for all resolutions such as "The 'No Dough But Nuts to You' bakery voices its deep resentment and indignation over the suppression of civil liberties in the United States," or "The 'No Dough But Nuts to You' bakery demands the immediate abolition of the armament race and the acceptance of the proposals of Comrade Bulganin," or "The 'No Dough But Nuts to You' bakery sends its warmest greetings to Comrade Pablo Picasso upon his completion of a painting of a dove that looks like a dove...
...Our government," the Secretary declared, "is flooded with applications from Soviet citizens from all parts of our country who are anxious to serve as volunteers in the cause of freedom...
...And he quickly signed his name...
...I see," the Secretary said...
...We can hardly contain ourselves...
...Yes, Comrade Secretary...
...Of course I volunteer...
...An old father, an old mother and an old 9-year-old sister...
...We must condemn this crime with utmost vigor...
...What have I failed to volunteer for this time...
...Our wrath is boundless...
...On my own volition...
...I don't refuse to volunteer...
...Sign right here...
...And now what...
...Only fifteen more to go...
...Egypt is not yet a people's democracy...
...He was proud and happy to be a citizen of the land of Communism...
...Nincompupov went to the district Party headquarters with some trepidation...
...I'm getting married next month...
...he thought...
...He was met by the District Committee Secretary, a fine, upstanding Communist, a warm patriot and exemplary leader of men...
...Your name," the Secretary demanded in a somewhat rasping voice and hiccuped...
...He was a fine and upstanding Soviet citizen, mindful of his obligations, guarding carefully the state property entrusted to him, never stealing more doughnuts than the traffic could bear...
...We can hardly contain ourselves...
...You know what's happening in the world...
...But, Comrade Secretary," Nincompupov said weakly, "it's so sudden...
...Very true, Comrade Secretary," Nincompupov said...
...Nincompupov echoed...
...And I have a family to support...
...The Secretary hiccuped and corrected himself: "I mean Colonel Nasser...
...Nincompupov exclaimed...
...Long live Egypt...
...That powerful and ruthless aggressor, the State of Israel, has invaded democratic, peace-loving Egypt...
...We're all raring to go to the aid of a progressive and peace-loving country, a staunch friend of the Soviet Union, a valiant defender of civilization against the onslaught of barbarians who are desperately trying to unleash a new world war...
...He had spent most of the previous night in the company of a few other true and exemplary Communists, and the abundance of toasts for international peace and solidarity had given him the hiccups...
...Splendid," the Secretary said...
...Nincompupov agreed...
...We must condemn this crime with utmost vigor...
...Well, then," the Secretary said...
...The quota for our district is 65 volunteers...
...It's a merry city...
...The Anglo-French imperialists have seized upon this opportunity to re-establish their colonial rule over Egypt and depose the government of Marshal Nasser...
...By the way—you may have to stop for a short while in Budapest...
...Reserve, 1954...
...What are you waiting for...
...Comrade...
...In the name of our party and our government, I congratulate you on your devotion to the principle of independence for all nations...
...Here's your application, Comrade Nincompupov...
...Ivan Ivanovich Nincompupov, Comrade Secretary...
...I volunteer voluntarily...
Vol. 39 • November 1956 • No. 51
