A Taxing Tale of Deductions and Delusions

Levenson, Dan

A TAXING TALE OF DEDUCTIONS AND DELUSIONS It is well known that Purim, with its noise and revelry, is a taxing holiday. It is less well known that the story it recalls owes much to the tax laws of...

...As was his wont, he asked Mordecai, a local tax maven, whether the costs of his party might be deductible...
...We are told that he was then hung, for hanging was a popular pastime in those days...
...Donot," replied Mordecai, "settle upon her any property which has risen in value, lest you realize gain as a consequence of the transfer...
...As you know," said Mordecai, "we tax both large gifts and assets of the newly deceased, and these taxes DAN LEVENSON are designed to preserve your power...
...though slender, she stoutly refused to perform...
...Which it duly did...
...The King was not deterred from his hospitality by its great expense...
...In return for the government's agreement not to prosecute, Haman was relieved of his capital and of his office and was permitted to resign in disgrace...
...For though the King was philled with wroth towards Vashti, he nonetheless felt obliged to do the right thing by her...
...Indeed, in addition to the wine and the repast, he decided to entertain the guests with a performance by his wife Vashti, whose advent to Shushan had been hailed as a real step forward for that otherwise unprepossessing town...
...For their consequence is to induce wealthy citizens to give of their wealth to worthy causes during their lifetime...
...Meantime, back at the palace, Hainan, who had prefigured many later Vice-thises and Vice-thatses in that he was a man who made up for in arrogance and avarice what he lacked in intellect and integrity, was busy demanding that all the people bow to him...
...Among these was Esther, who, unbeknownst to Ahasuerus, was the niece of Mordecai, who had persuaded her that it was better to be a Persian Queen than a Jewish Princess...
...He was much taken with the ancient principle, "He who hath much wanteth more," and, accordingly, devoted much attention to studying the tax laws his wise men had promulgated...
...he would bow to no man, not even Ha man...
...It is worth noting, in passing, that this enlightened social policy had been adopted many years before the Enlightenment and still more years before Social Policy...
...Recorders of real estate transactions in all the provinces from India to Ethiopia were ordered to report any activities on Haman's behalf...
...But that is where the megillah misinforms us...
...And, as we know, Esther won the contest the King had arranged, which by now he knew not even to try for a deduction on...
...Hence, to this day, Ali-money...
...O Mordecai, wise tax man that you are, how may I best settle upon Vashti such property as will be sufficient to sustain her in her solitude...
...So smitten was the King by Esther's charm and beauty that he wanted to give to her half his kingdom, but Mordecai, into whom he had fortuitously bumped just as his plan was taking form, pointed out that such a gift would have devastating tax implications...
...Together, they planned a magnificent plot (or plotted a magnificent plan—the record here is blurred)—which, quite simply, involved informing the PRS that Haman was almost surely skimming (a term used to the present day) from the "contributions" the Jews were sending him...
...And to himself, he chuckled, for it was his intention to retain a portion of each "contribution" for his own purposes...
...And the Jews were interviewed, their contributions to the royal coffers noted and added up...
...The case of Haman v. Taschen was, unfortunately, ignored by later courts, though not by later bakers...
...The capital punishment earlier generations supposed to mean the death penalty was, in fact, directed at Hainan's pockets, not his neck...
...But Esther was busy redecorating the palace and providing the King with bliss...
...Special Agent Taschen was immediately assigned to the case...
...Confronted with the evidence, Haman confessed...
...Not only that, your ExtensiveDan Levenson, an attorney practicing in Boston, has had significant experience in the field of taxation...
...Since Esther has no income of her own, you will find that your taxes are lower if you file such a return, while other connubial benefits will remain the same...
...Banks were instructed to report deposits made into Haman's accounts or those of his kin...
...To the King, he explained that such gifts would not be taxable...
...Your Extensiveness," Mordecai advised, "in order to encourage marriage as an institution in your kingdom, as distinguished from the neighboring kingdom ruled by the Caliph of Ornia, the tax laws allow for a joint return by married people...
...Imperfect records of subsequent events suggest that Haman went on to become representative of foreign businessmen seeking to do business in Shushan as well as a lobbyist for the Greek shipping magnate K. K. Nefarious, whose klan would later become beknownst...
...Or in ignominy...
...Which led him, once again, to Mordecai...
...While I realize that you feel your gift would be the result of your own generosity, the interpretation would surely be that it is a transfer compelled by law, and, in such cases, the standard interpretation is that you have actually received the value of the property you have transferred—which will therefore be taxable to you...
...The search, not so difficult in those days as it has since become, was quickly concluded, and diverse candidates were brought to the King's attention...
...That, in fact, is how he came to take Esther as his queen...
...Indeed, the story that has come down to us through the generations is mistaken in one major respect, owing to the improper taxonomy of the events of the day...
...A capital gain, as some said...
...Therefore, the expense of the party would not qualify as a deduction on die King's next tax return...
...Whereupon Esther, as clever as she was attractive, told the King that she needed tax advice, and he, predictably, advised her to see Mordecai...
...As expected, none of the figures was reflected in Haman's own tax return, which massively under-reported his gains...
...This helps prevent so large an accumulation of wealth in any one family as might lead that family to challenge your power...
...Mordecai, however, would have none of it...
...The Jews, of whom I have the honor to be one, frequently give parties such as that you describe, and these are neither subsidized by the government nor deducted from their income—the flattery of their friends being thought to be sufficient reward...
...To the Jews, he let it be known that the evil decree might be averted were they to donate their wealth to the Kingdom...
...Haman decided, in his anger, to kill the Jews—and, in his avarice, to plunder their wealth...
...The King, who was ahead of his time in more ways than one, wanted to know what the tax consequences of keeping Esther as his mistress, rather than marrying her, would be...
...It all began when the King, desiring to celebrate his prosperity, decided to entertain his princes and other buddies at a lavish party...
...The King, now in the early stages of connubial bliss, was hard to reach, so Mordecai, who had the whole thing pretty much figured out, decided to get word to Esther...
...Accordingly, the postal service being then, as now, not known for its efficiency, the King delegated his trusted servant Ali to deliver, each month, a fixed payment to Vashti...
...It is less well known that the story it recalls owes much to the tax laws of ancient Persia, and to the preoccupation of both Ahasuerus, the King, and Hainan, the Vice-King, with those laws...
...So Mordecai organized street demonstrations, hoping word of these would somehow reach his niece...
...Mordecai was rewarded for his services to the King with a parade (not taxable), and the Jews, in the weeks before April 15, each year have a holiday which is also, as we have now seen, a cautionary tale...
...His bliss thus circumscribed, Ahasuerus turned to affairs of State while Esther went off to consult with Mordecai...
...Ahasuerus, it will be recalled, reigned (verily) from India even unto Ethiopia...
...here, too, the record is blurred...
...Mordecai replied that since the King's reign did not depend on the goodwill of his princes and buddies, entertaining them did not constitute an ordinary and necessary business expense...
...If, however, you choose to make monthly payments to Vashti for an indeterminate period, you will be able to deduct those from your income...
...His work last appeared in MOMENT in November 1981...
...Ahasuerus and Esther returned to their king-sized bliss...
...Vashti may have been able, but she didn't say "cain...
...The PRS knew no chochmas...
...Whereupon Haman became an anti-Semite—an already established outlet for knaves and scoundrels...
...ness," said Mordecai, "if you do not pay for the wine and the vessels of gold out of your own pocket, but use wine from the royal wine cellars and vessels from the royal vessel pantries, you may well be taxed on these items as well, for the PRS will doubtless view these as constructive income to you...
...Whereupon the King decided to divorce her...
...When all these matters were duly settled, the King organized a search committee to seek out a virgin who might serve as his queen...

Vol. 7 • March 1982 • No. 3


 
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