Letter to the Mother of a Lesbian Daughter
Israel, Richard
LETTER TO THE MOTHER OFA LESBIAN DAUGHTER RICHARD ISRAEL Dear Ann: I hoped that we would get a few moments alone to talk. It was not to be. A family gathering is the wrong place for a serious...
...Perhaps this Is because the decision In favor of homosexuality deprives us of grandchildren and a Jewish future so much more definitively...
...Don't scream, but don't remain silent either...
...We influence them, we affect them, but they are not altogether plastic at any age...
...Within our own family's experience, each of our children has had unique characteristics that appeared when they first saw the light of day and which have remained with them ever since...
...I think not...
...It may well be that a stable, warm, non-exploitative relationship (hoping that that is the kind of relationship she has found) with another woman is a decent way-station, or even permanent resting place, given the alternatives that seem open to her...
...When I tried to raise my first puppy, I learned that if the dog is out of reach, it doesn't make sense to give an order you can't enforce...
...They are unable to cope with the possibility that they may be associated with and considered responsible for homosexual children...
...I do not think that is where you and Bob are...
...But try very hard not to tell her how awful she Is and how to live her life...
...Since that is the case, you are going to have to do your best to resist lecturing at Barbara...
...I don't always find it easy to conduct myself according to my own convictions in these matters, but I try...
...I phoned the next morning hut you had already left, and so, let me write you some of what I would much rather have said to you face to face...
...Some parents become so angry and so humiliated in such circumstances that they never want to see their children again...
...In fact, they probably won't be...
...If our kids dump their oatmeal on the rug, fall in school, lie, come home at dawn, or smash up the family car, we may love them again after the dust has settled, but when it is happening, we don't extend and they don't experience very much love...
...No one ever promised us that being parents would be logical or easy, nor was it ever written into the contract that we would get nacb.es fun kinder for having borne and raised them All they pay us for is to be the best parents we can be and to get whatever satisfaction we can from knowing that we tried our hardest...
...You can't fudge your feelings, but since it strikes me that your love outweighs your anger, you have everything to gain by attempting to stay in contact...
...told the father of a particularly difficult and rebellious son that the only thing he might do to help the situation was to love the child more...
...intimately, they are responsible for themselves just as we are for ourselves...
...There is nothing wrong with telling her precisely how you feel...
...Much love, Richard J. Israel, Rabbi Rabbi Richard Israel Is Executive Director of the Hlllel Council of Greater Boston...
...It is just that your attempts to control her won't help...
...Only one of them can be a first child, and only one a last child...
...Barbara knows what you think about her basic decision, yet unless she feels you can accept her as she is at some level, you will lose her even if you never throw her out Continuing contact is the way you can let her know where she stands...
...Not that your values are wrong...
...In significant measure, that happens because of the way she presents herself to men But, because that is the case, she Is very vulnerable...
...Parenting is a no-win Job...
...Being cut off from them produces relief...
...The Baal Shem...
...Beyond that, no guarantees, not even that they will be grateful...
...But ultimately, your situation is similar to that of any parents who strongly object to their children's life choices...
...How else can we account for how differently our kids turn out...
...a little bit maybe, but no more...
...But are their places In the family and our treatment of them that different...
...Finally, it Is true that Barbara has had a whole series of bad experiences with men She has been treated very shabbily more often than seems fair...
...Do not assume that if you keep talking and wait long enough she will become whom you wish She may not...
...A family gathering is the wrong place for a serious and private discussion...
...But even if we can do it, it is far from fool-proof...
...As parents, we are obligated to undertak» two mutually contradictory roles simultaneously...
...I don't know if you are much Interested In historical footnotes at this moment, but the Biblical rejection of male homosexuality may well be due to its association with prohibited pagan rites and the belief that it is the male who has religious responsibility for procreation which he ought not abdicate...
...Certainly we treat them differently, and of course each child holds a different place in the ecology of the family...
...I don't believe it...
...To do that, she has to be able to approach you without being held back by fears that you will start to shout again or will cluck at her about having told her so...
...Not only is the burden of guilt too heavy any other way, but this way Is more true to the facts...
...Be open to serious discussion with her, no matter what...
...I have never been in their place...
...You feel a lot of pain and shame, but still, you seem to want to make the best of a difficult situation...
...At the same time, we must offer them standards, goals and models of behavior for which we think they should strive...
...We must love our children unreservedly and unconditionally...
...In both the Biblical and Rabbinic traditions, one really has to stretch to find any explicit Interest at all in the question of Lesbianism It is my undocumented Impression that Jewish parents accept their unmarried children living together more easily than do their non-Jewish counterparts and that Jewish parents correspondingly have more difficulty accepting homosexuality in their children...
...So what are we to do when they fall short of our aspirations for them...
...I do not judge such parents harshly...
...You may feel you and your world are hanging by a wet kleenex just now, but hold on You probably won't fall...
...In the Talmud, Beruria, Rabbi Melr's wife, tries to juggle the language and say that we can still love them though not all their actions...
...The basic decision you have to make is, do you want to stay In touch with Barbara...
...That is a very hard trick, though one that may be worth attempting...
...If you yell enough, you can teach a puppy to be nervous when you are around, but that doesn't mean it will do what you want...
...But you want her to be able to turn to you the day she decides she really needs you...
...As the Midrash points out, children do not love their parents the way parents love their children The most we can hope for is that they will give to others the love that we give to them I hope that doesn't seem too harsh, but I believe that letting go of some of our expectations Is ultimately very liberating, both for us as parents and for our children Certainly once they are well into adolescence, we must refuse to take credit for the things in our kids that turn out well, and equally, we must not accept blame for the things that don't...
Vol. 5 • July 1980 • No. 7
