The Move of Jacob Portman
Cottle, Tom
THE MOVE OF JACOB PORTMAN TOM COTTLE "How many bakeries they got in this neighborhood? If there's one there's thirty, maybe forty. Every other store is food, bread, candy. And do any of them not...
...Now comes a new thought: They have me thinking this way...
...Wasn't he a kid...
...But the message today was, move because it's natural for you to move at this time in your life...
...Jacob blew out a long breath...
...Jacob's eyes grew wide, and humid...
...Cookies with filling, cookies without filling...
...Then I think, but what's the sense to stay quiet...
...it shows...
...You know, I talk to you, so many things come into my mind...
...And you Milner, who pays your old age benefits so you can sleep here, or anywhere for that matter...
...They care about other people...
...They got a kid somewhere like the one who spoke this morning who they go to and they say, 'We need special cookies for a bunch of poor, old Jews.'" Jacob and Millie Portman (the names are fictitious) have been friends of mine for several years...
...Gold, you'll give a speech and embarrass yourself, Milner you'll snore and disturb people, Klapman you'll walk with your cane, and everybody will have cookies and orange juice and think about nothing except how old and how poor they are.' It's all in the building...
...Maybe those other people understood what was happening to them, maybe they didn't...
...Say 'bridge' and he's wide awake...
...They're made, I'm certain, in California and moved by truck, thirty days to get here...
...Or they speak about us like all we think about is we're walking around with one foot in the grave...
...They used to enjoy taking walks together, but Millie's increasingly poor health has made even this a rare activity...
...They get desk jobs...
...In time, more notices involving relocation of tenants arrived, Millie's illness seemed to grow worse, and Jacob's panic and anger increased...
...Another laugh...
...Our child is dead, so, what's the difference...
...Millie didn't care...
...You're Mi...
...You're all moving out...
...It's not a temple, it's not a library, it's not anything but a place for alta men-tschen to have their wheel chairs pushed to, a place for Mr...
...I want him close, but not that close...
...I'll tell you, sometimes you feel fortunate you made it to this age...
...All right, I'm extreme when I talk about Kuyper's, but I don't have to go to Kuyper's...
...We care about everybody...
...Me, I'm still a boy...
...Somebody somewhere killed him, and that's that...
...Big powers make a decision, change a neighborhood, tear down buildings...
...Did you hear them talk about that...
...You know what, kid, you can take all your plans and stick them you know where...
...They care about their sisters and brothers, or their upstairs neighbor, or the people living in the building, or the people they have seder with...
...So they tell him what they want, and especially what they don't want, because by the time they get through telling him what's wrong with every person who goes to Kuyper's, how this one has a bad heart, and this one has a bad intestine, and this one has bad blood, and this one has no lung, what else can he put in the cookies but stones...
...maybe that's why so many people came to that meeting...
...You take these apartment buildings, like this one...
...They look at us, like we looked like a bunch of immigrants from the neighborhood, people wheeled in, old cockers like me and Harry Klein, and they think, it's for this group of people we have to concentrate so much...
...We don't know how...
...That's the end of the story...
...The kid knows it, his bosses know it, the government knows it...
...But cookies at Kuyper's...
...In Kuyper's they have invisible ushers standing around ready to show you to your grave...
...Portman until November, but from December to March you're Mr...
...I have the right to throw people out of this house...
...At least in his house he felt safe and comfortable...
...Go in the street and stop the first man you see and ask him, what's a tuchas, because Jacob Portman told me in Kuyper's funeral lounge there with the Miami hotel lighting to make it look swanky, that I should stick all my plans and promises in my tuchas.' "I don't feel old, but that kid with his little planned-out speech, he makes me feel old...
...They say Jewish boys don't fight on the street, which is a laugh...
...So they buried him and the whole family moved in with them...
...These people take up our time, a whole one hour we have to give to them on a lovely morning like this...
...The hell with all of us...
...People talk about older citizens, they speak about us like we were already dead...
...This one can't have salt, this one can't have sugar, that one doesn't eat flour, that one gets sick from butter...
...Isaac Gold stands up and gives a speech like every morning an angel comes down from heaven and tells him he's a rabbi, and I'm not embarrassed...
...But inside it's mine...
...What a curse to be alive without any power, any power at all...
...Isn't that wonderful...
...I'm plenty embarrassed...
...You want Moses on a cookie, they'll give you Moses on a cookie...
...We're moving...
...I'm worried about how I'm going to make out in this new plan or non-plan they've got for us...
...Indeed the Portmans' cozy well kept apartment in the small three story wood tenement was the center of their lives...
...But me, / want to complain...
...Millie's brother fought...
...In fact, do yourselves a great favor and don't look anywhere at all...
...I own almost nothing...
...We care about Jews," he was saying...
...It's fantastic, when you think of it...
...That's what I used to say...
...There's no other word for what's happening...
...But, as he invariably said on his return from Kuyper's, the people and the building depressed Tom Cottle is Lecturer in the Department of Psychiatry at the Harvard Medical School and contributing editor to moment...
...At home he could be himself...
...They don't fight in school, which is also a laugh...
...And I'm not embarrassed knowing all this is going on...
...The people at that meeting today, they weren't there only to look out for themselves...
...You think anyone of us would choose to go there...
...Look at the building, you'll see what I mean...
...You know what 1 mean...
...They're all doctors and lawyers...
...He wrote letters to housing authorities protesting the relocation, and attended every meeting at which housing matters were to be discussed...
...By you he's young, by me he's a kid...
...They're old people, or poor people...
...Not like any ordinary people, sensitive...
...In my head, I'm a boy...
...You think he spoke up...
...I can read you the lease and show you...
...Jewish boys don't fight in wars...
...And do any of them not sell cookies...
...You want, it could happen, Mister Nixon on a cookie, they'll put him, his wife, the daughters, the dog, anything you want...
...I'd die before that time...
...He was nineteen...
...In the motion picture houses they used to have ushers who would show you to your seats...
...The people in that office, though, they don't know that...
...Where am I going...
...But move his apartment, he's asleep...
...When you're young people say, for now, maybe, in the short run, something's not so great, but you'll put it away, like an investment, and in the long run you'll get dividends...
...He's been trained...
...Our friends care...
...Jacob carried on, not a quaver in his voice...
...You know this guy Sam Milner...
...He fell asleep...
...Go, look, you'll see...
...Then I think, what am I talking about, getting some place, or no place...
...Somewhere they got lost...
...Where am I going with my life when I'm past seventy, an old man, waiting to die...
...Big ones, small ones, brown ones, white ones...
...There's nothing I'm ashamed of...
...You can't stay in your neighborhood...
...I pay my rent and it's mine...
...So what's the moral...
...The kid thinks I'm ready for the cemetery, but I don't think so...
...Walking home from Kuyper's, Jacob said almost nothing...
...Maybe we just have good manners...
...I don't want to be reminded of what I am, or what they think I am, or what they want me to be for their convenience...
...A few of them might die right in the middle of the speech...
...He's always been active in civic things around here...
...High class it's not...
...I see Milner or Gold or Bessie Klapman, I think, My God, they're old...
...They can say whatever they want to say, I know what's crisscrossing in their mind...
...Milner snores, I'm embarrassed...
...But where they are, I don't know...
...You go to a movie picture house, no signs, no messages...
...I was concentrating on the phrase, "Our child is dead...
...Ten days after they got here the brother died...
...When they ask you, these poor slob Jews, where are we supposed to live, do a little soft shoe dance, a little run away from answering the question.' "You want to know if I'm scared...
...I could a long, long time ago, but no more...
...You think that's even a decent meeting hall...
...The kid stands up and he tells me, this nobody, that / have to get out of my house...
...Put us anywhere and we'll die...
...Of having no place to live...
...Imagine that...
...I couldn't do that...
...I feel, what's the sense of talking all the time, like I do...
...They're made, I'm certain, in California and moved by truck, thirty days to get here...
...What's the difference where I live...
...Not to watch television, not to play cards, not to see people, because if I want to see people I go to their house or they come to mine...
...You want to look in the bedroom...
...A long time ago I settled with myself that I wasn't going anywhere in the world...
...I had letters from him, not many, a few...
...You want Jesus on a cookie, they'll give you Jesus on a cookie...
...Maybe I won't find a place...
...It's the government, that's my point, it's the government that makes it possible for all of us just to survive...
...What for...
...But the building tells you, you come here to nosh a little popcorn and to watch a movie...
...He was young," I admitted...
...Don't make them think they're going to end up any poorer than they are, and for God's sake tell them they can keep going to their old church...
...These thoughts aren't coming from my heart...
...Half the city is being bused to school...
...And for those cookies they serve, that I need Kuyper's for...
...You're a bunch of old Jews, you're lucky the city lets you stay alive...
...Big ones, small ones, brown ones, white ones...
...I had known Jacob and Millie Portman for years and had always assumed there were no children...
...It doesn't make any difference, don't you see...
...That's the whole story...
...what you see in this room and in the bedroom...
...They are without taste, without filling, without anything...
...You don't bore me, Jacob," I said, uncertain whether his remark was meant for me...
...But I do have my home...
...There are no long run issues with people like us...
...Do you care...
...I wasn't going to get a better deal...
...I'm not worried about dying...
...That's what we're told...
...If people move in who I don't like, I move...
...We have nothing to hide from anybody...
...But not any more...
...You see what that kid did to me today...
...Tell me, is that fair...
...What about that...
...They are without taste, without filling, without anything...
...Of what...
...The Portmans were stunned, and frightened...
...I saw no pictures, heard no mention made of a child...
...I don't want other people that close...
...We're old, we're poor, we're Jews...
...For this group...
...Used to be a tailor in New York...
...Family moved to Miami but his wife couldn't stand it there so they came here since she had a brother living here...
...People in their seventies, the Port-mans, for all the time I have known them, have led a quiet life, rarely leaving their small one-bedroom apartment in a rather poor area of Boston...
...No buses...
...A person at my age, where am I going...
...And since I don't have anyone, it's got to be him...
...I saw all this, just like the kid speaking saw it...
...They're telling me, these men with power who make decisions for people like me, 'You, Portman, you can't stay in your home...
...I live here, I live there, who cares...
...I can do what I want with it...
...A castle it's not...
...All right...
...Do / care...
...You think it's good manners...
...I was saying to myself, you know, Jacob, you're too old for this feeling, but you're afraid...
...Did you see his face when he said that, trying to look like a rabbi or something...
...All that's changed now...
...He's making me need him, and his organization...
...Jacob used to like to go over to Kuyper's, the Home for the Elderly, possibly to play a little cards, or to visit with some friends from the neighborhood...
...Milner and Harry Klein to sleep in...
...Like today in the meeting, that was one of the messages...
...The bulldozers come and bulldoze you with the bed, with the couch, with the table and the tea cups...
...I'm scared...
...If people live in those buildings, what's the difference...
...He knows it, or the big shot that taught him how to speak to us, he knows it...
...This is my house, Tommy...
...It's fright...
...He looked over my head as his mind turned, surely, to the seder dinners he and Millie had attended in this room, at the Kuy-per Home, at friends' homes...
...I fought...
...And what's going to be when it snows...
...You've been in there...
...He may only be a kid but he's been trained...
...Sure, you like a little protection, but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with an army...
...I was content with what would be my life...
...You want to know what I think, kid, about your urban removal and your moving people around and busing me to temple which is something you don't know the first thing about...
...Whatever financial and personal insecurities they might have experienced, they could always hold to the feeling of strength and calm they derived merely by returning to their little home and sitting down together to a meal, or just visiting in what they called their parlor...
...I don't need them...
...I doubt it," I mumbled...
...They're coming from the same office that boy came from this morning...
...They got a kid somewhere like the one who spoke this morning who they go to and they say, 'We need special cookies for a bunch of poor, old Jews.' 'What do you want in the cookies?' he asks...
...A letter with no details...
...I'm not rich...
...I want to tell this kid, 'Hey, kid, I'm not an old man like I look to you...
...Not up, not down, just closer in with people...
...Then, without warning, the Port-mans, and all other residents of the small apartment home were notified that within a year, the building was to be torn down in preparation for the construction of a larger apartment dwelling...
...The world is insane...
...You want, it could happen, Mister Nixon on a cookie, they'll put him, his wife, the daughters, the dog, anything you want...
...You want to fight it...
...As Millie's ill health prevented her from going to the meeting, she waited at home for us to return...
...What follows is a brief account of one of my many visits with the Portmans...
...It must kill people like that to even give us the time of day...
...That's all there is to it...
...You can even stay in the house while they're tearing it down...
...The answer is yes, I do care, Millie cares, people care...
...Of what...
...For my convenience, they should leave me stay in this apartment, as lousy as it is, until I die or choose to move out Finished...
...They have power, these people, and we got—I'm not so sure these days what exactly it is that we do have...
...It makes no difference to them...
...Or maybe they'll put us in together with other people...
...Man's a fantastic card player too...
...They sometimes send the identification tags, but his never came...
...But Kuyper's, from half a block away, the building is already saying, 'Here, Portman, here's a place where you can come and be old and senile...
...Sure, you can fight it...
...In fact, between you and me, I'd like to blow up Kuyper's because it's a reminder of what I am, what all of us are...
...Those are frightened people...
...He was there this morning, bitching, grumbling...
...But proud of it...
...So, what's the difference...
...You get old, there's no more long run investments...
...But today I know one thing: I know that I'm not going to be allowed to live like I want to, simply, humbly, however you want to call it...
...But cookies at Kuyper's...
...You know, the poorer you get, the closer you get pushed in with people...
...And do any of them not sell cookies...
...He's making me depend on them...
...What's the achievement...
...You want to know what I was thinking about there today...
...I want to stand up and make a speech so maybe God will help me a little to blow the roof off the place for me...
...You want Jesus on a cookie, they'll give you Jesus on a cookie...
...Did you notice how he didn't promise people housing...
...I was telling you what's the difference...
...How do you like that...
...It's all in that building...
...Now, every time I need something or want something, I got to depend on someone, and / can't live with that feeling...
...They're old people's cookies...
...They fight, and they die...
...A guy calls you a Hebe, or steals some money, you fight...
...my generation, we're going to be bused to shul...
...Bridge...
...You can't shop where you always shopped, you can't walk where you always walked.' And how do you like the way they're going to bus me to my shul if I want to go...
...Jacob," I interrupted, "you mentioned that...
...Some big shot comes to him and tells him, look, these Jews you have to address there, they're a very sensitive bunch, you know...
...The same office that tells us not only where we can't live any more, but how to think about our lives, ourselves...
...I'll tell you something...
...Believe me...
...I'm seventy years old and I'm afraid...
...How can they think we would object to anything...
...What do they care...
...Whatever changes the future might bring, Jacob regularly assured me, constancy and stability would be found in the apartment...
...Don't look back, don't look forward either...
...This one conversation took place in the Portmans' apartment minutes after Jacob and I had attended a meeting at Kuyper's Home for the Elderly...
...So what possibly can we, such dependent nobodys, have to complain about...
...They had to send a baby?' He could have been somebody's grandson...
...What, I'm such a little boy I have to ask my mother who's been dead thirty years whether Harry Klein can come over and play, as if we ever asked our mothers when we were kids...
...Harry Klein leaned over to me and said, 'What is this, they don't have the decency to send a man to talk to us...
...I still want to fight...
...We all fought...
...Young...
...That's it...
...You, Bessie Klapman, who paid for the cane you use...
...A twenty five year old kid...
...you saw him...
...The Portmans would be gone from their apartment almost exactly two months from the day of the meeting...
...Do we have any relatives, a person somewhere in the world who cares...
...This kid comes along and he says, OUT...
...Like Harry Klein upstairs...
...He is the author o/Private Lives and Public Accounts...
...him, so he was happy just to stay home with Millie...
...Cookies with filling, cookies without filling...
...I can buy my own orange juice...
...Lots of boys died...
...What an audience, sleeping, dying, people can't use their muscles...
...I don't go to temple when it snows...
...You can't be a Jew when it snows around here, you know...
...What is it, after all...
...Now, what the hell are you afraid about at your age...
...I can't believe this...
...I don't know...
...I'd probably live in this place until I died...
...I need my privacy too...
...You see what that little kid did today, which maybe he doesn't even know he did...
...No deals, no meetings, no speeches, no cookies...
...I see what he sees in that Kuyper's lounge...
...They're going to put me in a station wagon, you like that part, with a bunch of old dilapidated people like me, and they're going to bus me to my new home which is I don't even know where, and they're going to take me to my little neighborhood shul, let me daven eight times, if I do it fast, and shlep me home again...
...And you, Portman, who makes it possible for you to stay alive so you can bore people out of their heads with speeches...
...Nothing else...
...Now they are really old...
...No, no," he shrugged, "a figure of speech...
...Our son died...
...The meeting had been scheduled so that housing officials and developers could address the people who now would be moving away from the neighborhood in which many of them had lived for thirty years...
...Maybe they'd like to feed me while they're at it, and wash my face for me...
...And we're both thinking the same thing...
...I didn't hear the next few sentences...
...They're old people's cookies...
...The moral is that all of a sudden, that kid this morning, he's got me convinced that what he's saying, or really what he's not saying because he doesn't have to say it aloud to make everyone understand it, is true...
...You want Moses on a cookie, they'll give you Moses on a cookie...
...Move us, don't move us, what difference...
...Oh, you tell me all about it, you Goy Rabbi, you...
...All right...
...He was killed in Korea...
...I want to complain...
...I'd like to crawl out of there on my hands and knees...
...Half of them will be dead in a year...
...Of course it's not...
...Not until we had reached the apartment and he had checked to make certain that Millie was not in discomfort, did he begin to speak: "You can't describe a meeting like this today...
...That our child was dead...
...That's what they think...
...You can't stay with your friends...
...I am very, very scared...
...Death, death, death...
...That's going to get me some place...
...Sullivan...
...He's got me brainwashed, and that's part of his pitch...
...But until that time, I stay...
...They must think we're all a bunch of chazzans or something...
...What for...
...But now they're taking even that little bit away from me...
...How careful he was with that one...
...You walk into a library and everything about the place tells you, this is a place where you should be quiet and study, even if it's only a newspaper you want to read...
...What's it any business of theirs...
...See my point...
...Jewish boys don't fight...
...The kid spoke ten words and Mil-ner's sound asleep...
...You've got no complaints, you're too old for complaints...
Vol. 4 • November 1978 • No. 1
