We Are Many: Our readers speak on intermarriage
WE ARE MANY OUR READERS SPEAK ON INTERMARRIAGE Perhaps because intermarriage combines, as few other questions do, the most serious personal and public issues—the survival of the Jewish community,...
...Being Jewish isn't everything...
...I am single and have often been involved with people who are not Jewish...
...Indeed, in every denomination, it is people over 50 who report the highest incidence of family intermarriage...
...I believe that conversion to Judaism is the key...
...We suspect that the reason for this difference may be embedded in the nature of the "Otherness...
...Our respondents are themselves sharply divided on this matter, ranging from 9 percent approval (Orthodox, under 35) to 57 percent (Reform, between 35 and 50...
...WE ARE MANY OUR READERS SPEAK ON INTERMARRIAGE Perhaps because intermarriage combines, as few other questions do, the most serious personal and public issues—the survival of the Jewish community, the stability of the Jewish family—it is a problem that is felt—and debated—with particular intensity...
...After all, there is only one God...
...I also feel that local Jewish newspapers should not carry the announcements of weddings or engagements of mixed couples...
...In at least one community, the local Jewish newspaper printed the questionnaire, and it, too, was inundated by the response...
...1 want him to bring into our family a Jewess who shares our history...
...These patterns show that there is a wide disparity of approach and reaction to the various questions surrounding the issue of intermarriage...
...Converts to Judaism are often discriminated against by far less observant and committed Jews who are ignorant of their own heritage...
...Our day school and synagogue have a sizable number of converts and mixed marriages where the children are raised as Jews—converts are like naturalized Americans— they've chosen Judaism and are therefore more loyal than those who are Jews by accident of birth...
...Interestingly, the overall feeling about greater efforts at conversion is not enthusiastic...
...It is very easy to fall into such an emotional tormenting trap...
...They were married by a Reform rabbi and there wasn't anything we could do about it...
...Regrets...
...By attending your child's wedding, of which you may strongly disapprove, you are merely affirming that he/she is still your child...
...Psychiatry and psychology have so traumatized us that most of us are terrified that we will destroy relationships with our children if we disagree on intermarriage...
...I fully believe, however, that it is in the best interests of the Jewish people...
...The question here is love and a decent example to others____Besides, I have seen parents threaten to disinherit children who planned aliyah and sit shiva when they married out of our people...
...Personal My husband and I were faced with the problem when my youngest daughter told us she planned to marry a Catholic...
...One of these will be a rabbi soon...
...while, as expected, Reform Jews are the most accepting, with almost nine out of ten respondents answering "yes," three out of five Orthodox respondents also agree...
...If a convert is not a learned Jew, his excuse is that he is a convert...
...It is important, of course, to realize that the responses we received do not comprise anything like a scientific sampling of attitudes, moment readers are, to begin with, a special segment of American Jewry, and those among them who chose to fill out the questionnaire and return it to us are still more unrepresentative a group...
...I will not, however, officiate in a church, with a Christian clergyman, on Shabbat, or in any case where there will be a second and non-Jewish ceremony...
...But there the agreement ends...
...Jewish institutions are directed toward families, and have little to offer single people, which makes meeting single Jews more a matter of chance than it should be...
...A decisive majority in every denomination and of every age group endorses such membership...
...And many marriages between Jews where the .last Jewish experience the couple had was their marriage ceremony...
...I didn't stop being Jewish any more than he stopped being black...
...We did give our children Jewish education and never expected our one daughter to do this to us____ What can we do to save our children...
...When a child makes a "mistake" he needs supportive parents more than at a time when he/she is not in error...
...My being mildly upset if my child turned Christian because of marrying a non-Jew relates not so much to loss as it does to my failure as a Jew, for obviously I did not make our birthright as honorable an estate as it is...
...If Rabbis and Boards of Trustees would think less about stock, bonds and shiksas and more about moral leadership, you would feel no need for this questionnaire____Let our leaders look to themselves to see what is wrong and stop blaming the shiksas...
...But it would be easier if more people accepted me for what I am and what I believe...
...certain that I could live the life of an Orthodox Jew whether or not my husband was by my side— I studied long and hard, I attended various courses and lectures, read countless books, learned Hebrew, attended Sabbath and daily services...
...after all, they have committed themselves to Judaism...
...2) Fight it and alienate even more people...
...When moment printed, in its January issue, a set of ten questions regarding attitudes towards intermarriage, we did not imagine the volume of response it would elicit...
...I also admit that sometimes I hope for a divorce before there are children...
...Teaching 4th grade one would expect to find children fairly knowledgeable regarding Jewish traditions, but I am faced with 9-10 year olds who don't even know the word "Shabbat," let alone the richness of home traditions...
...My youngest is 20, and...
...I keep a kosher home, adhere strictly to Jewish law and do my best to live my life as an observant Jew...
...Any marriage has problems to be worked out, and mixed marriages more so...
...Religion is a matter of personal faith and choice...
...On the question of whether the Jewish community is "sufficiently accepting of converts," the range goes from 41 percent affirmative to 71 percent...
...They married for personal convenience and must then accept the personal consequence____In this way, every woman and man is accountable for his or her actions as an adult...
...Your poll is a form of bigotry...
...And what is striking here is that once we isolate the age categories, we discover that there's not very much difference at all among the denominations...
...They add some new spice to our lifestyles...
...you are looking for prejudice...
...The boy did not convert...
...As a convert, I have a few comments to share: Usually, we work very hard to create tradition for our family...
...Two of my three are married, both in the synagogue of their childhood that we helped build...
...The range goes from 29 percent of Conservative Jews under the age of 35 to 61 percent of Reform Jews over the age of 50...
...The same was true at an ultra-Orthodox summer camp he went to...
...There is much more to be told about the experience of intermarriage, about people's reactions to it and the community's response to it, than a survey such as this provides...
...Rabbis who perform intermarriages should have their rabbinic credentials withdrawn...
...I accept my share of the guilt, try to live with the situation, and wonder how many others feel the same way...
...If the convert is a learned Jew, his excuse is that he is a convert...
...Rabbinic policy...
...My wife is in many ways more concerned about Jewish matters than I am (and I am far from being unconcerned...
...Being a Jew by conviction was not enough____ We now have five children—four of whom attend yeshiva...
...In future issues of moment, we will try to tell a part of the story, through reports and "think-pieces...
...I am active in Jewish organizations and fundrais-ing...
...The first of these asked whether the respondent believes that "parents of non-Jewish children who are marrying non-Jews should attend the wedding if it is held in a church...
...Making conversion optional destroys both the Jewish wedding ceremony and the chances for establishing a Jewish home...
...I try to assess their feelings about their own religions and each other's religion...
...Being a mother-in-law is difficult enough, but adding another problem is totally unnecessary: Marry Jewish...
...In our community, a convert is a convert, not a Jew...
...I'm proud to be a Jew, and I live as a Jew...
...So why would I if they married non-Jews...
...I am fully aware that Jewish law mandates the full acceptance of converts...
...Fifty-six percent of the Orthodox over age 50 have an intermarried family member...
...Their opposition to rabbinic participation, in other words, may be based on their own personal experience with the anguish of the event, while the opposition of younger respondents may be the kind of theoretical perspective that will crumple at first assault...
...As a teacher in a Jewish religious school, I feel that the Jewish community is reaping what it has sown regarding the current rate of intermarriage...
...I and most of my fellow students feel that a rabbi should not officiate at any wedding ceremony between a Jew and a non-Jew...
...But on the question of whether synagogue and temple membership should be available to families of mixed faith, all groups are substantially more permissive...
...When a young couple comes to see me, I look for certain factors which might indicate their willingness to take the Jewish route...
...We have seen many mixed marriages where the non-Jewish partner is a motivating force in a creative and committed Jewish life...
...A striking phenomenon is that almost all respondents—better than 90 percent in most categories, better than 80 percent in all— claim that they know someone "who has converted to Judaism...
...I am a product of this situation and speak from sad experience...
...When a Jewish child marries a non-Jew and converts, there are several alternatives: (1) Refuse to accept it and lose the child...
...If I am satisfied, I will insist that they take a course in Judaism, the equivalent of a conversion course...
...Presumably, the disparity is in part a consequence of opportunity...
...They don't always think like Jews because of the centuries of fine tuning, but we have to give them time and encouragement...
...If our leaders do not, how can I, a high school graduate...
...Love and warm feelings overpower concern for the lifeblood of the Jews...
...We were very upset...
...I pray for conversion, but so far nothing...
...Although I respond decisively to your questions, I am by no means decisive on my thoughts and feelings about intermarriage...
...We asked if the respondent would be upset were his or her child to marry a non-Jew if the non-Jew had converted—which, of course, would mean that the child would not be marrying a non-Jew...
...I am married to a woman who converted to Judaism—a Japanese who decided on her own, early in our marriage, to become Jewish...
...Herewith a sample: Children "Very upset" does not begin to describe the despair I think I would feel if one of my children married a non-Jew...
...We Jews are a bunch of contradictions, aren't we...
...If the conversion of the non-Jew were according to Halachah, I would not be upset at all— If it were from an honest desire to be Jewish, and subsequently there was a desire to marry my child, I would be happy, for then my child would be marrying another Jew...
...In general, where one out of five Orthodox respondents expresses a willingness to attend a wedding under such circumstances, four out of five Reform respondents do...
...Several questions dealt with aspects of conversion...
...The coolness with which they are treated is heartbreaking...
...Many conflicts have arisen in these relationships precisely because of religious differences...
...But even now, we find ourselves enriched by the comments of so many readers...
...Unfortunate as the current trend toward intermarriage is, it is something we will have to get used to...
...I know why, and accept it...
...They must accept the consequences of their mixed faith marriages...
...However, I have the following reservation: I don't believe you can convert a person to feel the pangs of a Ma'alot or a Munich, or the days of May/June, 1967...
...Numbers tell only a part of any story...
...In addition to receiving over a thousand questionnaires (and they are still coming), several organizations, on their own, reproduced the questionnaire, distributed it to their members, and returned the responses to us...
...These new Jews are often the most religious, knowledgeable and involved members of the community...
...Yet when people learn that I am a convert, many of them remark "Oh, then you're not really Jewish/' I know I am a Jew...
...She has brought me to the point of being General What I or anybody else "believes" is irrelevant...
...I married a black man...
...Caught in a bind: sincerely fostering interfaith friendship for self and children, much sharing, openness, genuine rapport—but concerned about how to tell marriage-age children (in another 8-10 years in my case) "OK, turn it off, only Jewish mates are acceptable...
...The resulting discussions have revealed both beautiful and ugly qualities about my character and my Judaism...
...Our wording of the question was clumsy, as several readers pointed out...
...Sign me "a distressed mother...
...The son of this marriage goes to Hebrew school at a traditional synagogue, where he is learning a positive, joyous Judaism that he totally identifies with and is totally accepted in...
...If that is unacceptable to the families—so be it...
...Unless we are willing to expose our children to the beauty of Judaism, we will be left with children who equate Judaism with Chanukah presents...
...Conservative Jews are closer to Orthodox than to Reform Jews on this question, but, in every group, there is a substantial increase in readiness to attend such a ceremony than to attend one held in a church...
...much more Jewish than I was when I met her...
...Here we find a marked division between Orthodox and Conservative respondents on the one hand, and Reform and "Other" respondents on the other...
...If we are, or have become, almost fully integrated into the American milieu, we must accept the hazards of getting lost in the broad landscape of American social life____I am not disturbed because the Jewish population recedes or remains static at this time...
...Your questionnaire shows a great lack of sensitivity...
...My daughter married a religious Yemenite in Israel, and I am more comfortable with my Irish Catholic neighbors than with either her or my son-in-law...
...If the Jewish community were more accepting of intermarriage, a greater percentage of those who do intermarry would remain in the Jewish community...
...Second, within the set of responses we received, it is possible to discern certain patterns...
...I am a fairly attractive Jewish boy, age 25, and I date only non-Jewish girls...
...I am a convert to Judaism and am married to an Orthodox man...
...It happened in my own family, to my own daughter...
...Personal reactions...
...In general, older "Others" are secular Jews of one variety or another, while the younger "Other" group includes many Reconstructionists, as well as a number of young people who, though religious, express irritation with denominational nomenclature...
...The very large majority of the former say that they would be "very upset" were a child to marry a non-Jew (although here, too, the older group is more likely to be only "mildly upset"), while in the latter group, although a majority would be "very upset," it is a much smaller majority...
...A very high proportion of our respondents reply that someone in their immediate family (parents, children, siblings) has "married someone who was not born a Jew...
...For some reason, my wife and I seem more accepting of the possibility that one of our three children might intermarry in a secular, non-religious context, despite our personal pain...
...That is Judaism...
...In most cases, however, there is widespread acceptance of converts as children-in-law...
...I am, under certain circumstances, willing to officiate at the marriage of a Jew and a non-Jew...
...Except for certain select questions, there is simply no communal consensus, and, on many, there is dissensus even within members of a particular denominational grouping...
...Conversion I find the Jewish community's inability to openly and warmly accept converts to Judaism particularly upsetting...
...the questions had to have been written by a non-parent...
...First, all of us who think about these matters tend to be curious regarding our neighbors' feelings...
...Five questions dealt with personal reactions to intermarriage...
...The same general tendency is evident (though not quite so strongly) in response to the question of whether rabbis should participate in wedding ceremonies together with non-Jewish clergy...
...Due to the small percentage of Jews in America, young people interested in marriage have a much greater chance of meeting a gentile who suits him or her than another young Jew...
...I studied Judaism for five years prior to conversion and converted only when I was certain it was love of G-d, not merely love of a man, which was motivating my conversion...
...My child converted...
...But there is also a marked age difference: within each denomination, opposition to rabbinic participation decreases with age...
...I am a rabbinical student at a Reform seminary...
...Cultural familiarity is also important in this one life we have...
...As anyone who has been close to the experience knows, the question of rabbinic participation in intermarriage is a source of continuing controversy...
...And, as for conversion, I am extremely dismayed and even angered when I hear about a Jew who has converted to another faith, but what right do I have to ask someone to convert to Judaism...
...Usually, though, I do not tell either Jews or non-Jews that I am a convert...
...I look to see how Jewish the Jewish partner is and how Christian the Christian partner is...
...We believe our children's faith is sufficiently strong that they will continue as committed Jews regardless of the person they marry...
...I do not have the answers...
...We can't have our cake and eat it...
...Conversion...
...I still attend services every Sabbath and holiday...
...When I finally converted I thought I would be accepted as a Jew, but I was considered a "second class" Jew at best...
...The single highest level of agreement was reached on the question that asked how the respondent would feel were his or her child to convert to a non-Jewish faith...
...I myself married a converted Jew, and have no difficulties at all...
...Or, as some have suggested, we may be faced here with parental indulgence, a greater sensitivity on the part of parents and grandparents to the dictates of the heart, a desire not to alienate their own children...
...There have always been those of our tribe whose loyalties to our tradition have been weak____Let those who wish to be Jews remain so—and those who care little do what they will...
...The most personal questions dealt with the feelings about one's own children and the prospect of their intermarriage—or even conversion to a non-Jewish faith...
...Our very strength is our fewness in numbers and the strength of the convictions of the few...
...Now this may be a function of the greater experience the older respondents have had with intermarriage...
...However, I will do all in my power to raise my eight-week-old son to want to marry a Jew...
...Here, almost all respondents report that they would be "very upset," with the only significant deviation from this consensus among "Others" in the middle age grouping—a relatively small number of people, where shifts of just a few people make a dramatic difference...
...No matter what, I could not turn away my child...
...Our daughter will always be our daughter and all we can do is hope that we can give her good values in life...
...If we really believe in Judaism, we should be happy to encourage others to share our good fortune...
...I believe that the Jewish half of mixed faith families should be allowed to become synagogue and temple members...
...The experience itself...
...The deficiencies in the home, the Jewish community, the Jewish schools (even the day schools) are overwhelming...
...If the Reform movement refused to officiate at mixed weddings, more young people would either convert or think twice...
...And as to whether, "in light of the current rate of intermarriage by Jews," respondents believe that "there should be more vigorous efforts by Jews to proselytize (i.e., to encourage conversion to Judaism)," the range goes from 21 percent affirmative response all the way up to 64 percent...
...What's important is what the law from Sinai is...
...She has also been a great Jewish mother to our three Jewish children...
...Finding that this was not so has become an important focus for my own life, and the basis for a new commitment- I wish it were so for others...
...The thought of sitting shiva for a child who married a non-Jew is abhorrent to me...
...Also, if rabbis were more willing to officiate at intermarriages, it might help to keep the young people in the Jewish community...
...3) Accept it and pray to God that some day the light will dawn...
...I would not turn my back on my children who might become thieves, drug addicts or gypsies...
...The time to instill our values is early in childhood—that is, if we still treasure our heritage...
...I am sure I will marry one, but I will insist that she convert first...
...It is here that we find the sharpest disagreement between the Orthodox and other elements within the community, although, once again, older Orthodox Jews emerge as more indulgent, less eager to draw sharp lines...
...On no other question was there less consensus within the several groupings, less, therefore, of a sense that at least in one or another segment of the community the active pursuit of converts is generally endorsed...
...People under 35 have had considerably less chance, since their children are not yet marriageable...
...Being Jewish should be so intrinsic to his being that he would no more think of marrying a non-Jew than he would think of marrying a cauliflower...
...Assimilation means assimilation...
...Yet the results are not without interest...
...I am a Reform rabbi in a small Midwestern community...
...A related question asked how people felt regarding attendance at a wedding "held in a non-denominational setting but with the participation of non-Jewish clergy...
...If they are willing to do this, I will officiate at their wedding...
...But there is a prevailing feeling among Jews who marry out that the community turns its collective back on them and on theirs...
...I am not happy with this position...
...nevertheless, conversion can't make a Jewish heart...
...What of the Christians, whom they've been taught to love over all these years...
...Further, given the context of openness and tolerance in which we raised our family, we feel it would be hypocritical to demand that they marry Jews...
...Both feel that a convert is only a pseudo-Jew...
...They tell the story, or the feelings, of a particular person, with a name and a history—not of An Orthodox Person under 35 or of A Reform Person over 50...
...Since there is no chance of that happening, I'm off to see my beautiful Korean girlfriend...
...Although I have spent coundess hours trying to sort out the issues, I have no answers____ I am one of those people who cares very much about the perpetuation of the Jewish faith, but I am also a firm believer in individual rights...
...Young people must be taught about the disadvantages of intermarriage before they have to deal with it practically...
...Intermarriage is an unacceptable blight, which is the fault of non-caring parents who chose not to teach their children the Jewish values of life...
...Of course, even some Jews are insensitive...
...In some ways, not having been a Jewish child makes it easier...
...The comments are, in most cases, highly personal...
...My husband was criticized for falling in love with a non-Jew...
...It should not be the source of unhappiness or the reason for separating two people who believe they are in love...
...One curiosity, reflecting the personal inconsistencies to which difficult questions so often give rise: while more than half of all respondents answered that the Jewish community is "sufficiently accepting of converts," a significant segment report that they would be at least "mildly upset" were their own child to marry a convert to Judaism...
...Within each age category, as might be expected, it is the Orthodox who are most reluctant and the Reform who are least hostile to rabbinic participation...
...One of our children married a Christian, and the other probably will, too...
...Only in the "Other" group does a significant proportion contend that it would not be upset, and then, only among older "Others...
...If someone would teach Jewish girls how to use makeup and look attractive, teach them some manners and how to be feminine instead of feminist, the intermarriage rate would plummet...
...I'm concerned that parents of marriage-age young people are too unsure of themselves to take a stand on their beliefs...
...We check 3 to 4 sources for every decision...
...This, evidently, is a far less threatening situation for most of our respondents...
Vol. 2 • April 1977 • No. 6
