Reaching Ezra
FIELDS-MEYER, SHAWN
Reaching Ezra SHAWN FIELDS-MEYER For so long they groped in the dark, wondering what was wrong with their son. Then they heard a word: autism. WHEN THE SECOND of OUT three sons was 2 and a...
...Stumbling in the darkness, we felt isolated...
...One afternoon last fall I told Ezra, "I love you...
...One afternoon, I panicked because I couldn't find him...
...Instead of conversing, he would mimic phrases from books and videos, repeating them tens of times in a row...
...Rolling in blankets helped him settle down at night...
...When I asked her what she was doing to help him, she shrugged...
...And as the hours and days go by, you dream and plan and anticipate...
...My son, who once constructed lonely, impenetrable worlds of plastic zebras and giraffes, now invites us to join him as he pets a poodle at the park...
...He could not stand to hold a hand or have his head stroked or, at times, stay clothed...
...And we study Torah each month with a group we created of Jewish parents of special-needs children...
...You hold a little baby in your arms, you feed him, and sing to him, and comfort him...
...God helps us find them by pointing us to tools, often the ones in our own gardens...
...Stiimbling in the darkness, we felt isolated...
...Reaching Ezra SHAWN FIELDS-MEYER For so long they groped in the dark, wondering what was wrong with their son...
...I can't move...
...Help me...
...Then out of the silent darkness, we began to hear a word: autism...
...He was most animated with a menagerie of plastic dinosaurs and jungle creatures...
...The Jewish tradition has much to say about encountering darkness—a challenge that goes back almost to the beginning of time...
...Hearing that word, and speaking it, brought the very first spark of light into our darkness...
...Take them and rub them together until you see a spark...
...We followed some of the leads given to us by him and many others...
...A midrash tells how Adam, the first man, grew terrified on the first Shabbat as daylight waned in the Garden of Eden...
...A month before his third birthday, in his preschool classroom, Ezra's teacher gave us example after example of his distance and withdrawal...
...He would burrow in his brother Noam's crib, hiding under huge piles of stuffed animals...
...A friend who is a rabbi-turnedpsychiatrist helped me understand...
...Over time, our dreams for Ezra had given way to chaos and darkness...
...He was hard to grasp...
...Did God turn night into day—lighten up the horizon...
...I don't know what to do," she said...
...And I realized it had been the first time in his five years of life that he had spoken those words...
...With help, we found talented teachers who worked to help our son reach out to the world...
...We built this "sensory diet," as the therapist called it, into our daily lives...
...God long ago created all the miracles...
...Did God perform a miracle...
...By lighting sparks that dispel our own darkness, these tools help reveal God's miracles...
...he must have said...
...I can't see anything...
...There are two flints by your feet...
...When I told him how upset I was, Ezra just walked away in silence...
...Every parent has dreams— fantasies of what might be...
...I finally discovered him on a shelf in the back of a deep linen closet, in the dark, hugging the pillows...
...He would not connect...
...My son, who once would pass through our house seeming not to notice anyone around him, now spends his mornings giggling through silly games and chasing around the playroom with his brothers Noam and Amiel...
...And every time we tried to bring Ezra into our orbit, we were met by either tortured screams or an empty, faraway stare...
...What did God do when he heard Adam's cry in the Garden of Eden...
...WHEN THE SECOND of OUT three sons was 2 and a half, my husband and I began to notice some strange behavior...
...My son, whose love of books once meant sitting alone and flipping rapidly through pages, ignoring the words— now, as a kindergartner, sits beside me and reads full sentences out loud...
...He seemed to look through everyone: teachers, preschool playmates, even his own brothers...
...Now even ordinary moments generate sparks...
...And so did I. Stumbling through darkness means not knowing where you're going...
...He groped in the dark, hoping for divine intervention...
...Slowly, tentatively at first, we learned to navigate the waters of a neurological disorder whose cause is not known, whose diagnosis is vague, whose prognosis is uncertain, and whose treatment is constantly disputed...
...Ten minutes on the swing set before dinner, we learned, could make the difference between chaos and calm...
...Ezra began to visit an occupational therapist who helped him discover physical activities to regulate himself...
...Day by day—as Ezra ate and spoke, at school, in stores, in synagogue, in the backyard— nothing seemed quite right...
...At home, he would drag a blanket outside, turn on the garden spigot, and roll himself into a cocoon, lying for long stretches, just listening to the trickle...
...And we learned that we were not alone...
...What is happening...
...Little by little, we give Ezra coping tools, and find them ourselves...
...And we learned to follow his lead, his interests—to wait patiently for him and communicate with him on his terms...
...Now, we discuss concerns and swap success stories weekly at a meeting of parents with autistic children...
...It means being filled with fear, insecurity, aloneness, uncertainty, powerlessness—even some shame and embarrassment My husband and I stumbled there for a long while, groping in the darkness...
...Eventually you will create a flame, and with that flame you will light up the darkness...
...That spark led to more...
...I see the yellow car," he says, as he beams with pride...
...He did not know what darkness was, and he called out to God...
...He paused, then looked me in the eye and said, "I love you too, bna...
...Not only is there a name for this collection of symptoms," he said, "there's something you can do to help him...
...We found that Ezra's apparent withdrawal masks his almost desperate desire for human connection...
...They're out there for us to find...
...Instead, God told Adam, in the midrash, "Feel around you...
...I'm telling you...
Vol. 27 • August 2002 • No. 4
