The Voice ofVashti
Dworkin, Susan
The Voice ofVashti Susan Dworkin In the avant-garde of the Purim costume contest, there was a little girl wearing nothing but an oil slick and ear phones. Our learned rabbi, who had taken several...
...Unfortunately for our learned rabbi, he did not realize that he was addressing Debbie the Smartz, and thus he was unprepared for her answer, which was as follows: "I am Vashti," said Debbie the Smartz...
...Moritz...
...could read and write...
...But of course, our learned rabbi was too sedated to have heard a word...
...Instead, they put her in an oil drum, rolled her out of the palace, up the Vashti Progressway and into the gulf of oil...
...But of course the rages recurred...
...So he sent a delegation to kill Vashti...
...Vashti began to think it wasn't progressive at all to have danced naked in front of quaking ministers, even if you could read and write...
...it bustled with hustlers and the hordes of cardiologists who follow them...
...And it's too bad," Debbie the Smartz concluded, "that our people continues to depend on these Estherlike measures to deal with Ahasuerus, when we could be supporting the Voice of Vashti, which is out there on the gulf, broadcasting feminist revolution and capable of destroying most of our known, and many of our unknown, enemies...
...They trained policemen...
...Ahasuerus had bought Vashti from her ferocious father in return for permission to build a turnpike through her ferocious father's tribal mountains...
...to prepare himself for this annually harrowing occasion, asked sweetly: "And tell me, little girl, who are you supposed to be...
...And back in Shushan, the peacock throne began to feel itchy...
...So Ahasuerus grew weary of Shushan, and he and Vashti wintered in Mar-bella and summered in St...
...They dug irrigation canals...
...Ahasuerus loved that word 'progress' — he loved that word 'progress' — he just loved that word...
...He believed in medicine...
...She could sit incognito in her shades and bikini at local cafes and overhear titillating conversations about forthcoming revolution...
...The wife of one of their most respected leaders compromised her good name — just like Esther — to be of service to Persian business...
...Ahasuerus was nice...
...The delegation did not kill Vashti, because that might have angered her ferocious father...
...And he gave the prize as usual to the best Esther available that year...
...Ahasuerus took Vashti with him everywhere, because she was pretty, and she could be counted on to dance naked in front of his quaking ministers — thus relieving official tension in Persia — and she...
...Our learned rabbi, who had taken several Valium (Valia...
...She was married to the great Ahasuerus, King of Persia, ruler of most of the known, and much of the unknown, world...
...She didn't have to dance naked there...
...She liked her crown jewels and her turnpike, named the Vashti Progressway...
...a contributing editor of this magazine, is a playwright and freelance author...
...She was sprung by Richard Dreyfuss, who had mistaken her for a stray Long Island sharkling...
...She climbed an oil rigging and there, with funds contributed by other rich ladies who could read and write, set up a radio transmitter and began broadcasting feminist revolution to Persia and neighboring countries over her international network, 'The Voice of Vashti.' "Everyone knows," said Debbie the Smartz, "what happened then...
...A wife who could read and write was proof positive that Ahasuerus was a progressive king...
...Winter by winter, Vashti grew colder and more political in Marbella, the jewel of the Costa...
...She could consult a Basque fortune teller named Karen the Raven who quoth titillating predictions of forthcoming revolution...
...cepted procedure in Persia and most of the known, and much of the unknown, world...
...Vashti loved Marbella, the jewel of the Spanish Costa del Sol...
...One evening," Debbie the Smartz continued, "Vashti was taking a bath in Valium to relieve her tensions when a call came up from the palace ballroom that she was to go immediately and dance naked before Ahasuerus and his assembled guests...
...This marvelous intervention saved Jewish lives and property from the periodic rages of Ahasuerus and his successors for a couple of centuries...
...He liked the word 'progress' much better...
...The Jews found other temporary measures to assuage the rages...
...Thus said Debbie the Smartz on Purim...
...The crown jewels began to feel heavy...
...Vashti .didn't mind having been bought, or sold, since that was acSusan Dworkin...
...Because of Ahasuerus's commitment to progress, Shushan, his capital, had come to resemble San Francisco in 1896...
...Vashti was replaced as queen by a sweet Jewish girl named Esther who was persuaded to marry Ahasuerus and entice his most unattractive minister by an uncle who professed to love her...
...And Vashti said 'No.' " 'No' was a word Ahasuerus didn't like...
...Besides, she liked her peacock throne...
...Every once in a while, he had this overwhelming desire to destroy the Jews and expropriate their property — but they always did something marvelous to change his mind...
...Vashti was Queen of Persia...
...The turnpike led directly to a gulf of oil and a neighboring country with whom Ahasuerus had historic differences...
Vol. 1 • March 1976 • No. 8
