God in the Bedroom
Gold, Michael
God in the Bedroom MICHAEL GOLD I met with the young couple for a premarital interview to discuss their upcoming wedding, the meaning of marriage, establishing a Jewish home, having children. When...
...The marital bed is a place of holiness, not a battleground...
...One, of course, is procreation, based on the Torah verse, "Be fruitful and multiply" (Genesis 1:28...
...In my own counseling I always recommend that when a couple fights, they should make every effort not to go to bed angry...
...The issue of unnatural sex (biah lo k'darchah) is particularly difficult from a Jewish perspective...
...If one put his wife under a vow to have no sexual intercourse, the School of Shammai says for two weeks, but the School of Hillel says for one week...
...On the other hand, if both partners communicate their desires and if they plan time for proper sex, the holiness in their marriage can be intensified...
...He showed them the jewel but did not show them the clump until they were suffering [the sexual tension was great], then he showed them...
...One should never argue with his wife and certainly should never strike her on account of sexual matters...
...It is desirable for her to solicit her husband to the sexual act (Nevertheless the laws of modesty suggest she be less brazen and more subtle than her husband...
...As the Talmud interprets this verse, "a man is required to give joy to his wife in the matter of the mitzvah...
...Even within marriage, not everything is permissible...
...However, the rabbis several generations later modified the law of the rebellious wife: What is to be understood by [the term] rebellious wife...
...Too often a man cares only about his own sexual pleasure...
...I have counseled many individuals and couples on issues of sexuality...
...21 According to Rabbi Yochanan ben Dahabai, it is forbidden to "overturn the table" (i.e., to practice unnatural intercourse or unusual sexual positions...
...when he is in pain, then show him...
...The Shechinah does not rest there...
...The other is pleasure and self-fulfillment...
...This tension is seen in the rabbinic teachings regarding intercourse by day or night, proper sexual positions and natural or unnatural sex...
...If a man wishes to change his profession to one that might make him less available for the mitzvah of 'onah (for example, from an ass driver to a camel driver or, today, from a local businessman to a traveling salesman), he must seek permission from his wife...
...Rfabbi] Joshua b[en] Levi similarly stated: Whosoever compels his wife to the [marital] obligation will have unworthy children...
...For example, The Holy Letter (Iggerel haKodesh), often attributed to Nachmanides, has a section called "On the Quality of the Act...
...It shows a concern for a woman's orgasm some thousand years before this was a general topic of conversation and concern...
...The words are: "It is not good for a man to be alone: I will make a fitting helper for him....Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh" (Genesis 2:18,24...
...The New Testament prohibition of "lusting in one's heart" (Matthew 5:28) does not exist in Judaism...
...Be calm and as you enter the path of love and will, let her insemination come first.8 The last line goes beyond foreplay, lov-r ing conversation and arousal of the woman...
...In my marital counseling, I have seen couples with wonderful sex lives and lousy marriages...
...He knows that Jewish law allows experimentation and variety...
...The limits given are a minimum...
...A basic Jewish law requires that sex between husband and wife take place regularly...
...There is an enigmatic passage in the Talmud in which Rav Chisda advises his daughters on how to intensify their husbands' pleasure...
...28 Rabina's opinion says a man may not fantasize when both the women are his wives...
...On one hand, a man cannot force himself on his wife...
...When love grows weak, a bed of sixty cubits is not enough...
...Communication is vital...
...Rami b[en] Chama citing R[abbi] Assi further ruled: A man is forbidden to compel his wife to the [marital] obligation...
...Amemar said, "She who says 'I wish to remain married to him but I want to cause him pain.' But if she says, 'He is repulsive to me' she is not forced [to have sexual relations] This fascinating passage is relevant for modern marriages...
...The Talmud adds that it is a particular mitzvah for scholars to have intercourse Friday nights, thus joining the holiness of Shabbat with the holiness of marital sex...
...However, if it is occasional and the desire of his heart is to come upon his wife in an unnatural way, it is permitted.25 In other words, unnatural sex is allowed if it is occasional, not exclusive, and if the intent is toward mutual pleasure...
...Behind this law lies the principle "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18) and the concern that a man might see his wife's blemishes and find her undesirable.19 However, there are exceptions...
...Our rabbis taught, "When love is strong, a man and woman can make their bed on a sword's blade...
...11 so does an ignorant man shamelessly strike and sleep with his wife...
...Unnatural sex refers to any sexual activity where semination is not in the traditional place,24 including oral sex, anal sex or "threshing within and winnowing without" (premature withdrawal...
...Jewish law also forbids sexual intercourse between husband and wife by force, when one is drunk, when the husband has mentally decided to divorce his wife, when there is strife or when the wife fears her husband...
...This concern should lead to words of endearment, proper fore-play, a responsibility to help his wife experience orgasm and postcoital intimacy...
...Kahanah answered, "It is a matter of Torah, and I am required to learn...
...He may have intercourse with her at any time he wishes and kiss her on whatever limb of her body he wants...
...Although this verse refers to the rights of a slave girl, the rabbis expanded it's application to relations between any husband and wife...
...When the Torah refers to the sex life of Isaac and Rebecca, it uses the term m'tzachek (to make laugh) (Genesis 26:8...
...a husband's obligation is to initiate sex with his wife whenever she desires it, even beyond the obligation of 'onah...
...Although regular sexual relations are a man's duty, a woman must be available to her husband for those relations...
...For example, the Torah speaks of "a woman [who] brings forth seed and has a male child" (Leviticus 12:2...
...But, Rabbi, can't you keep God out of the bedroom...
...He held a jewel in one hand and a clump of soil in the other...
...There is a tension in rabbinic literature between the rabbinic sense of what is modest and proper and the desire to allow couples maximum pleasure...
...Performing the marital duty in a pro forma manner is not in keeping with Jewish values...
...he shall be exempt one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to the woman he has married" (Deuteronomy 24:5...
...The rabbis interpret this verse to mean that if a woman brings forth seed first (that is, has an orgasm first), a male child will be born, a male child being, according to biblical tradition, preferred...
...Yet there is a concern with the wasteful spilling of seed, which Judaism forbids, based on the biblical story of Er and Onan (Genesis 38).- The tosafot (commentaries of Rashi's students and their students) raise this contradiction and bring the answer of Rabbi Isaac: It is not considered like the act of Er and Onan unless it is his intention to destroy the seed and it is his habit to always do so...
...The requirement of regular sexual relations puts some responsibility on the woman...
...Deducing from this, Rabbi rjudah haNasi] taught, "One may not drink out of one goblet and think of another...
...I don't even mind grace around the dining room table...
...Yet the rabbis explicidy disagree with Rabbi Yochanan ben Dahabai: "A man may do whatever he pleases with his wife [at intercourse...
...To reach the holiness ideal, a marriage must have not only joyful sex but intimacy, communication, mutual respect, family traditions, a shared vision of building a home together and, of course, love...
...Of course, sex is only a small part of a successful marriage...
...Yet it contains a powerful irtsight: Sex between husband and wife is a matter of Torah...
...16 Yet maximizing a wife's pleasure is the husband's ultimate responsibility...
...Both husband and wife should agree on any unnatural forms of sex, for Jewish law forbids a man to force his wife to do any sexual act against her will...
...Tal-mudic sources talk freely about such sexual activity and permit it between husband and wife...
...The rabbis also saw it as a positive commandment, simchat 'ishto (rejoicing one's wife...
...In Christianity, the holiness ideal is abstinence and celibacy...
...When the Torah establishes marriage as an institution, it never mentions children...
...The times for 'onah as enjoined in the law are: for men of independent means every day, for workmen twice weekly, for ass drivers once a week, for camel drivers once every thirty days, for sailors once every six months...
...Judaism has recognized from the beginning that women have sexual needs and men have a responsibility to fulfill them...
...Such a sex life takes time and effort...
...Jewish law is concerned with a person's behavior, not fantasies...
...To avoid this marital responsibility would be considered tzara d'gufa (a physical hardship) for the woman...
...Thus Judaism encourages a quality sex life within marriage...
...The Talmud (Pesachim 49b) tells us that just as a lion tears at his prey and eats it shamelessly, increase...
...she below and him on top, this is the way of proper intercourse...
...To conclude, when you are ready for sexual union, see that your wife's intentions combine with yours...
...Onah becomes a responsibility whenever the wife wishes, so a husband must be aware of his wife's sexual needs and desires...
...Therefore a man may do whatever he wishes with his wife...
...I have also seen couples with mediocre sex lives and loving, caring marriages...
...Pleasure is a concern of the rabbis and pleasure is increased by relations in the nude...
...A woman also has a responsibility for her husband's sexual pleasure...
...A man's wife is permitted to him...
...There are other rabbinic sources that speak of a woman's sexual fulfillment...
...Rabina said, "This is necessary only when both are his wives...
...Jewish law also cares about how the husband and wife engage in the sexual act...
...1 Obviously, the story exaggerates and is not in keeping with the modesty that Judaism requires regarding sexual relations...
...Even people unable to have children because bfinfertility or menopause find the ideal life in marriage and regular sexual relations...
...a man who uses his wife to fulfill his own needs while leaving her unsatisfied is not fulfilling his Jewish obligations...
...According to tradition, sex at night and in the dark ought to be the norm...
...Yet it runs against his sense of modesty and propriety...
...The author writes: Therefore, when engaging in the sex act, you must begin by speaking to her in a manner that will draw her heart to you, calm her spirits, and make her happy...
...10 Rashi explains that the jewel is the breasts and the clump of soil is the vagina...
...They are usually surprised to learn that there is no single Judeo-Christian approach to sexuality, but rather very different Jewish and Christian approaches...
...However, if such fantasy might lead to infidelity (i.e., sexual relations with his neighbor's wife), it would be inappropriate...
...Jewish writings show concern for reaching maximum sexual pleasure for both husband and wife...
...The Talmud discusses whether a couple can make a prenuptial agreement to avoid sexual relations in their marriage and forbids such an agreement, although it allows financial prenuptial arrangements.3 In a Jewish marriage, sex has two primary purposes...
...For example, the Torah forbids a man to have relations with his wife during her menses and for a specific period afterward...
...It is based on the Torah verse: "When a man has taken a bride, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose...
...Tell her how pious and modest women are blessed with upright, honorable, and worthy children...
...Do not hurry to arouse her until she is receptive...
...Speak to her so that your words will provoke desire, love, will, and passion, as well as words leading to reverence for God, piety, and modesty...
...Platonic marriages, considered the ideal in some Christian sources, have no place in Judaism...
...In Judaism, the holiness ideal is marriage and family...
...Rav found him and said, "Go out, because it is rude...
...22 Maimonides, usually quite conservative on sexual matters, rules on this explicidy...
...The word 'onatah (her time) refers to the right of a woman to regular, timely intercourse...
...The latter seems infinitely preferable...
...he may if the object of his fantasies is a woman not available in the household...
...If sex becomes an afterthought relegated to a few late nights when both partners are exhausted, then the marriage will suffer...
...Although no woman can be forced to have sex with her husband if she finds him repulsive, she should not withhold sex as a weapon in a fight...
...This is the opinion of R[abbi] Eliezer.4 The Mishnah limits the time a man can avoid his marital duty for a vow, for study or for professional reasons...
...The rabbis recommended the missionary position: "She on top and him below, this is the way of brazenness...
...The Torah requires joy, frivolity, even spontaneity in the sexual relations between husband and wife...
...The Talmud forbids sex during the day or by the light of a lamp.17 Maimonides teaches that although intercourse on the Sabbath is a special mitzvah, if the Sabbath light has not yet gone out and there is no separate room to use, the couple should wait.18 Midnight became the ideal time for intercourse...
...However, it is a sign of piety not to show too much levity but to sanctify himself at the time of intercourse...
...He may have natural or unnatural sex, as long as he does not bring forth seed in vain...
...2 To the rabbis, a marriage without sex is not truly a marriage...
...29 Marital sex should take place within the context of the ultimate rabbinic value, shalom bayit (peace in the household...
...Such fantasy would not threaten a woman's status in her own household like fantasy about a co-wife...
...A man should not depart from the way of the world and its custom because its ultimate purpose is procreation.25 In this passage Maimonides gives with the right hand and takes away with the left...
...These laws are euphemistically known as taharat hamishpachah (family purity).26 However, an advantage of the laws of family purity is that they force a couple to set aside one evening a month for sex...
...A man should never force himself upon his wife and never overpower her, for the Divine Spirit never rests upon one whose conjugal relations occur in the absence of desire, love, and free will...
...Thus your minds will be bound upon one another as one, and your intention will unite with hers...
...if the couple is too exhausted to properly engage in the marital act at night, then sex by day is permissible, provided there is due concern for modesty.20 Similarly, there is a tension in Judaism between the wish to identify a particular sexual position as preferable and the wish to allow variety and experimentation...
...The Talmud defines the requirement of 'onah during a discussion of the question: For how long may a man take a vow of sexual abstinence...
...Modesty requires that "scholars of the law not be with their wives too frequendy, like roosters...
...Disciples may go forth to the study of Torah without permission for thirty days, laborers for one week...
...In modern times, if the fantasy of a beautiful but unavailable movie star helps intensify a man's lovemaking with his wife, then it is permissible...
...He blamed the Judeo-Christian tradition for an exceedingly negative approach toward matters of the flesh...
...I was tempted to respond with the story related in the Talmud of Rabbi Kahanah who hid under his teacher Rav's bed while Rav made love to his wife...
...When I turned to the issue of marital sex, the groom interrupted me: "I don't mind religion in church or synagogue...
...12 On the other hand, a wife cannot consistendy refuse her husband's sexual advances...
...In Judaism, regular sex is a woman's right and a man's duty...
...In other words, a woman should delay penetration until her husband's desire is at a maximum...
...The Talmud teaches that "a woman would rather have one kab [a measure of volume] [of wheat] and frivolity than ten kabim and abstinence...
...The Talmud says that a man must contain himself in intercourse so that his wife reaches orgasm first.9 Judaism obligates a man to be concerned with his wife's pleasure...
...The Talmud explicidy recommends nudity.15 Jewish law allows experimentation and variety, yet it values a sense of modesty The myth that religious Jews must make love through a hole in a sheet is nonsense...
...When your husband has marital relations and holds you with one hand on the breasts and one hand on "that place" for your pleasure, show him your breasts to increase his appetite but do not show him your vagina quickly, so his appetite and desire will In Judaism, regular sex is a woman's right and a man's duty...
...This law, called 'onah, has its root in the biblical verse, "He must not withhold from this one her food, her clothing or her conjugal rights ('onatah)" (Exodus 21:10...
...When there is no union of male and female, men are not worthy of beholding the divine presence...
...This is precisely the opposite of the Western cultural practice, which speaks of a man's right and a woman's duty...
...Such a woman is called a moredet (rebellious wife) and the Mishnah lays out severe financial penalties.13 Both the wife and husband can be declared rebellious for refusal to participate in regular sexual relations...
...R[abbi] Samuel b[en] Nachmani, citing Rfabbi] Yochanan, said, A woman who solicits her husband to the [marital] obligation will have children the like of whom did not even exist in the generation of Moses...
...6 In today's more egalitarian culture, a woman who wants to change professions also should consult with her husband...
...The mitzvah of 'onah is not simply the negative commandment not to withhold sexual relations...
...Even marital sex must be between two consenting adults and must occur from desire, not fear.27 There is Talmudic disagreement whether a man may fantasize about another woman when he has sex with his wife: "And that you seek not after your own heart" (Numbers 15:39...
...The man felt religion was obsessed with sexuality...
Vol. 16 • August 1991 • No. 4
