We Are the Children You Warned Our Parents About
ANKER, CHARLOTTE
They are self-confident and tolerant, full of optimum. Their passion for Judaism ii fueled more by faith than by nostalgia. They struggle for grudging acceptance by the religion they Mere bom into...
...Last year I took a friend of mine along and we went to a reading of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol It was very satisfying to me...
...Conoboy also likes the activist role that Reform Judaism takes in the community and the "questioning of all things, even religious doctrine...
...Pareveh is giaded by these prncoles • Throughout their kves, the chaVJren of nterlarth marnage carry a 'Jewish naff* and a "Christian half" widwi themselves...
...Current outreach programs don't work for them, they say, because they are aimed at interfaith couples, Jews-by-choice or alienated Jews born of two Jewish parents...
...Letting the children choose puts them in the position of having to reject one parent or the other, parevehs say...
...This ambivalence strikes a responsive chord among parevehs, who often feel that they are not like everybody else...
...households...
...There's an intellectual aliveness in Judaism that I never found in Catholicism," said Richard Conoboy, who has a Jewish mother but was raised as a Catholic because his Catholic father signed a promise to raise his son Catholic...
...Pareveh Jews do leadership of Jesus or the key doctmes Of any rekgon besides Judaism • Pareveh defines a "pareveh Chnsban' as a rekgous or secular Christian who has a Jewish parent or grandparent but acknowledges Jews as Lord or as a spiritual teacher or kves by some version of Christian ¦Met...
...I knew she Adn't took Ike a WASP.* sari Margoas...
...Washington...
...at last...
...29 percent Christians and 27 percent i secular or nothing "We let people ten us what they are...
...A daughter of a Jewish father and Protestant mother, she was raised n a determmedy secular household...
...Even children born of Jewish mothers, if they were not raised Jewish, are often urged to convert, as was Robin Margolis, one of the founders of Pareveh...
...Christian theology was the big stumbling block for me," said one pareveh...
...my mother had been her only chrfd...
...Set up programs for children, teenagers and college-age children of interfaith marriages and support groups for adult parevehs, respondents said...
...Now my father has been rearing up on Jewish history He has lots of questions about my mother, as if he is getbng to know her agam posthumously...
...Pareveh has no merest m false rekgous syncretism and firmly rejects al attempts to create a 'Jewish-Christian' rekgon...
...Well, no, my mother, after all, is Jewish.' This is something Jews have a hard time accepting...
...Pareveh defines a 'secular pareveh* as an ndwdual with a Jewish and a Christian parent or grandparent who has refected both Judaism and Christianity to foftow other rekgnus or • Pareveh respects the integrity and values of each rekgous culture m its members' backgrounds...
...Introduce them to other children of interfaith marriages who have converted to Judaism...
...it is the organisation's goal to help them love and respect both sides of the* personakty and heritage...
...We know how to be competitive in the marketplace of ideas...
...But the Shoah has a special meaning for parevehs...
...When I hear a rabbi inveigh against intermarriage," another said, "I know that's my parents he's assailing...
...Whether parevehs are raised as Jews or Christians, they say they always have two halves...
...Our credentials are constandy checked," one Pareveh member said...
...1 always wondered about my mother...
...Alter my husband...
...editor of Health span, a health-care magame Despite the disapproval they occasional encounter, Margoks and GorjdrnarvMalanxM are often mvrted to speak to synagogue groups and Jewish organizations throughout the country Both grew up n the Midwest knowmg they wanted to become futy Jewish someday...
...Have you converted?' people ask us...
...They become enraged to see their children become devout Jews or Catholics...
...one nao lerroe depressions every Christmas and Easter...
...Often, children raised with no religious or ethnic identity tend to go with the prevailing gentile culture, which they have experienced because it surrounds them...
...They asked me to go through her betongmgs And that's when I found her 1.0 papers...
...Margoks became interested r becoming Jewish when she was eight, she remembers...
...a journals!, food and nutrrbon consultant and cofounder and cocha* of Pareveh with Room E. Margoks...
...pubtrsh a twice yearly newsletter, market an audiotape horary and sanpfy serve as a sounding board tor those m need of an understanding ear...
...it's always with you...
...But there are also dangers in the other direction...
...The message is that half the family is contemptible or at least inferior to the half that adheres to the household religion...
...Last year's survey revealed that 44 percent of Pareveh members cal themselves Jews...
...1 read stones from the Ok) Testament and the New Testament and I would the...
...considering such a move both anttsemittc and antfChristtan • Regardksss of how parevehs choose to afttate...
...I am a Jewish person, not a new Jewish person," she said...
...My Jewish grandmother took me ^ and was delighted to have me back...
...Today the difference in interfaith marriage rates for Jewish males and females is diminishing, although the figure is still higher for Jewish males...
...A devout Epwcopakan, he would not have married her had he known.* Margoas' parents were married 40 years and al thai tme her lather never knew...
...While having a Jewish mother may make someone a Jew in halachic (religious law) terms, this doesn't necessarily translate into people treating that person as Jewish, Pareveh respondents contend Many say they feel a strong attraction to a religion that needs them' 'The Jews need me most," is a frequent response...
...the rest identified themselves as either secular or other...
...it is not alien to me," said Margolis...
...Leske GoodmanMalarnuth and Robn Margohs founded Pareveh n 1985...
...When I found out I had a Jewish family, I defected...
...Jewish legitimacy is a different issue for parevehs than for Jews-by-choice because parevehs come to Judaism in the belief that they already are Jewish...
...From the minute the plane landed, it was an extremely emotional experience...
...the my father, but she couldn't hnd her way around the prayer book easrfy" Margoks' mother would tel her about the Jews when no one was home, and then she'd say, let's not tel your father and brothers about this, it's gust between you and me,* Margoks recounted "When I asked her why she was so vtterested «i the Jews, she'd say 1 have wide-ranging mteiectuai interests.' And she did...
...the* whole...
...the AMance for Ado* Chidren of JewishGentte Intermarriage, is half a Jewish star surrounded by a circle...
...when they could And no organuabon to satisfy their needs as adult children of Jewish-genble marriage They have contracted with Pocket Books to write Between Two Worlds A Gwde for the ChiOren of JewrsfHSenWe Inter marriage, due to be published n September 1991...
...She wouW read about Jewish history and stones about Jewish chadren...
...In a certam percentage of these marriages the religious identification of one parent ts hidden, often, but not always, the Jewish patent, according to Margoks...
...although her parents never encouraged Has...
...I found I sull needed something...
...Margoks said...
...40 would be teenagers and then you would sec 50 babies crawling around on the floor.* said Leslie Goodman-Malamuth, cofounder with Robin E. Margolts of Pareveh...
...Td be better off as a Jew than a Christian Judaism seems reaty reasonable...
...When an official house religion is chosen, the authorities of that religion often tell the parents they must have absoThe Team that Created Pareveh •When we tel some people about Pareveh, we might as we* say we nm an organuabon for chrtrefl of Jewish convicts,' said Leske GoodmarvMatamuth...
...We see the universality of Judaism...
...Later she found, talung to other chrfdren of nterfarth marriage, that her story is not that uncommon...
...They sec themselves as the coming wave of ethnic Jews, not unlike the earlier Eastern Europeans or Sephardim, internal mi* Pareveh is the category of kosher food that is neither milk nor meat We Are The Children You Warned Our Parents About The children of interfaith marriage speak out CHARLOTTE ANKER grants revitalizing American Judaism by bringing new values, as waves of immigrants have always done...
...But I still can't disassociate from my Christian self...
...I was totally cut off from my Jewish family...
...A significant number of parevehs refuse to affiliate with any religion because they cannot bear to choose between parents...
...My father grieved deeply when I opted to go Jewish," said Margolis...
...I was 34 and my tamrfy summoned me home...
...Room* he wi often ask* GoodmanMalamuth's story is more typical, although it is also a story of someone conhnuaty frustrated n her efforts to become Jewish...
...whose larrary history is probably novetworthy...
...My three brothers and I were raised as rigid Episcopakans and my mother was secretly baptized when I was eight* 'She was a JewisMoolung woman.* •She used Y.d<>sh . wrath she attributed to bemg from New York City, t knew she was very unhappy about sometTang...
...She was devoutly Eptscopakan...
...Then the parents must steel themselves for possible rejection when the day comes that the child makes a choice...
...They strongly oppose letting the children decide on a religion when they grow up...
...Jewish intellectuality is another attraction...
...The respondents were chosen from Pareveh's mailing list and from others located through ads in the Los Angeles Times, Washington Post and New York Times Book Review "Rebuff' is a word that frequently appears in descriptions of interactions between Jewish organizations and parevehs...
...Of her recent conversion to Judaism, she says, "If my mother were still living, I'm not sure I could have done it...
...Do Jewish women do thrs or that...
...You do certain thngs and God is satisfied you're a good person, whereas it doesn't seem God is ever satisfied n Chnsbanrty...
...When I am in a Jewish setung, I really experience that culture, but in a Christian setting, I see it through my father's eyes...
...I would take classes and go to services and try to pass as a Jew It took me unW I was 31 to hnafy convert, although 1 had wanted to do so saxe my teens My mother was very much opposed to it but even so I tried from tone to bme, but I never could get any guidance on how to do it...
...At times in my life, I've thought I was in limbo and fit in nowhere," said Diane Freedman of Saratoga Springs, New York...
...The prospect of being different because one is a Jew is not a deterrent to us—we already are different," one pareveh said...
...Whether parevehs are raised as Jews or Christians, they always have two halves...
...Why do parevehs choose to be Jews...
...I knew I could be killed because I was Jewish," said Lydia Lewis, whose mother was Jewish and father Presbyterian, in explaining why she always felt more Jewish than Christian "I knew there was no getting away from being Jewish...
...She was from an Orthodox famay A teenager dumg World War I. she got herself rto a coiege where there were no Jews, got a false Christian surname, registered herself falsely as a Protestant, cut oft el bes to her famay, then met and married my father, a WASP aristocrat armed forces officer from a Midwestern bankaig larrwy He dtfrTt know she was a Jew...
...The child probably gets a subliminal message from the parent who feels that a part of his or her identity is wiped out," says Margolis...
...the broken Star, is incomplete...
...and they have conducted what they say is the onty nattomnde survey of American children of mlerfartti marriage Today Parevehs membersii-J is about 1,300, and the orgarusbon serves as a clearinghouse lor eoleebng and drttrouong mformaton to adult chddren of rterfarth marriage...
...Diane Traurig, raised in a family with no designated house religion, described how she would lie in bed at night and have terrible fantasies about having to choose between her mother and her father...
...But how can they be Jews and have a Christian half...
...She saw coiege as a chance to be a real Jew...
...The responses provide a window into the thinking of people drawn to Judaism but who often feel that Judaism doesn't want them...
...Most parevehs say parents should choose a house religion and commit themselves to it, but also provide ample exposure to the relatives of the religion not chosen...
...Imagine a hundred of us in a room...
...GoodrnanJAalamum and Uargoks define Pareveh as an ml or ma ton exchange and support group...
...Other parevehs are drawn by the spiritual element of Judaism, observing that born Jews often take for granted the spiritual pull of Judaic rituals...
...Most of these parevehs are critical of the way in which they were brought up, as are most respondents in Pareveh's study...
...My mother was set on making me a total Episcopalian...
...Thriung About a Happy Intermarriage" and "What About Our GrandchWren' Parents of Interfaith Couples' Tapes are $10 tor Pareveh members and $15 for ronmembers my mother or my father," said Lewis, adding that if her Presbyterian father were still alive, she, too, probably wouldn't feel so free to identify with her Jewish heritage...
...Pareveh recently conducted a survey of 185 adult children of interfaith marriage.* Nearly half the respondents identified with Judaism, while almost one-third called themselves Christians...
...1 went immediately m search of my Jewish lamrfy with help from B'nai B'rith Now I had two enraged lamkes on my hands—my Christian tamrfy appalled that I was about to take my mother's surname, Margoks, and my newly oHcovered Jewish tamrfy, a tamrfy lunous at my mother for running away 40 years ago...
...But she bristled when friends at the temple asked about her plans for her future as a new Jew...
...Find a way to say, "We know you're caught between two worlds...
...But it was a struggle to find a comfortable rache n the Jewish community.* GoooYrianMalarnuth and Margoks met n 1985 and soon discovered they had more m common than professional bes and Pareveh was born.—CX lutely nothing to do with the other culture...
...Yearly membershc n Pareveh is 515...
...said Margoks But other relatives of her mother were not as pleased to be suddenly confronted with a gov n the lamrfy They tned hard to accept me, but ultimately it was too much for them and I orrfy became reaty close with my grandmother...
...matrilineals are welcomed, if somewhat suspect...
...The fotowmg audiotapes are avatabJe for purchase: •You're Not Alone Our Lives As Children, Grandchildren and Great grandchildren of Intermarriage," "But We're In Love...
...She'd hriden them at the bottom of the closet and they gave her real name and her real lamrfy...
...an organization especially for the children of in-terfaith couples (see box...
...Then there is the odd attraction of the Jewish sense of being a marginal people, part of society but not quite assimilated...
...Strange as it may seem, we find middle-aged adults who say their parents won't let them choose...
...3628 Wroom Place...
...Pareveh defines a "pareveh Jew" as an rtdhndual who has a Christian parent or grandparent but chooses to bve as a rekgous or secular Jew...
...The Shoah is clearly an impetus—one born of grief and a resolve akin to that which impels born Jews to return to tradition...
...And in 2030, so they believe, they will constitute the majority of American Jews, This is the self-described profile of the children of inter faith marriage who choose to be Jews, the parevehs," as many call themselves, offspring neither milk nor meat, whose religious commitment must overcome the duality of their lives...
...This symbol aptfy descries the leewtgs of many children of Jewish and gentie parents...
...The two answer questions, gwe referrals to those who need further attormabon or courrseing...
...My mother always said I could be what I want to be, but when I became Jewish she got terribly upset," is a typical statement...
...Even so, acceptance is not easy...
...Write Pareveh...
...Can you imagine the heartbroken grandparents...
...l never realy thought of rnyseft as anythng but Jewish, even though I knew from an early age that Jews <kd not consider me one ol -them...
...Because most parevehs have Jewish fathers, parevehs are, at least initially, drawn to Reform Judaism— and Reconstructionism, which was 15 years ahead of Reform—with its recent definition of a Jew based on patrilineal descent...
...They know, intensely, that being only half Jewish would not have allowed them to escape...
...One or two would have been born in the early years of the century, eight or nine would be baby boomers 30 to 50 years old...
...Requiring conversion often seems to them a denial of the Jewish parent whose religion they have already internalized and accepted...
...A recent trip to Israel at the age of 40 triggered in Lydia Lewis a desire to learn about her Jewish side and perhaps make a choice...
...Steve Nelson, and I were married by a Reform rabbi, I converted so I could get those estabkshment credentials...
...I am who I am...
...Reform Jews are far from unanimous on patrilineal descent and patrilineals are only considered Jewish by Reform Jews if they were raised Jewish...
...It is best if one partner converts, they concede...
...Families have been advised that Christmas presents must be returned with a note saying that now that the parent is a Jew-by-choice and raising Jewish children, the gift is construed as an interference in the parent's attempt to raise the children...
...It permeates every area of our lives, sometimes painfully...
...symrjokred by the carle, is spat, and the* Jewtshness...
...There are issues peculiar to parevehs that current outreach programs ignore, for example, how the adult child can help the parent, whose religion is not chosen, with his or her grief...
...And conversion does not eliminate our identity conflicts," she added...
...She abandoned Christianity n her early 20s and decided to convert to Judaism at 30, but her lamrfy taked her out of it "When my mother died...
...Now with my conversion I feel more whole, more complete...
...My two brothers are still devout Christians, but I feel strongly my mother should have had at least one kid for herself...
...The parevehs interviewed were brought up at a time when there were no instructions for raising children in dual-religion "Many more of us would happily convert if we didn't feel the Jewish community was making us do it in order to get rid of something illegitimate in their eyes," said Goodman-Malamuth, who converted in order to join a Conservative congregation...
...Sometimes, under the pressure, the children go off and become Buddhists—then both parents feel rejected," said one pareveh...
...We have to be especially committed and determined to remain Jews...
...However, make it clear to the children being brought up Jewish that one part of the extended family has a Christian home," said Goodman-Malamuth...
...Many patrilineal parevehs were not raised Jewish, although as adults they consider themselves Jewish...
...We had Christmas trees and Easter baskets, but I *dnt know what they meant untt I was a teenager I was taken to a seder when I was eight and it left an mdekole impression on me.* There were few Jews n the town where she grew up...
...For Lewis it was "a question of finding what heritage to identify with, not a religious decision....Israel just blew me away...
...No matter how prepared they think they are, parents often freak out when this happens," says Margohs...
...instead of gong by a particular derwrnmatjon's standards.' says GcwdmanMMamuth...
...It took many talks over a long period of time before he could accept it and he had to do a lot of grieving first...
...WfflLost parevehs are the children of Jewish fathers because, when their parents married the interfaith marriage rate for male Jews was much higher than for females...
...But at least the child will have a solid basis for the choice, they say...
...They are irrevocably tied to both their families...
...p. 37...
...At other times, I thought I had the best of both worlds...
...If the Jewish community does sensible outreach to bring us in," Goodman-Malamuth continued, "instead of compelling us to struggle to get in, we will see the flowering of a new American Judaism that will grow and take in new people...
...I never wanted to be disloyal to either Pareveh—The Alliance The toga lor Pareveh...
...DC 20008, or cal 1703) 828-3020...
...moved me in a way that I embraced it as I never had anything before in my life...
...Parevehs—especially patrilineals—tend to say as little as possible about how they were raised, hoping the subject won't come up Parevehs, drawn to Judaism by its ritual and spiritual features, often choose Conservative or Orthodox Judaism...
...We may visit our Christian family and help them celebrate their holidays, but they're not our holidays.'" If each parent feels strongly committed to his or her own religion, however, then the parents should raise the children with both religions—not with nothing—parevehs argue...
...Some report that whenever they mention they are ready to make a decision, one or both parents react by "registering discomfort—the same discomfort that led to their being unable to make the decision when the children were young," says Goodman-Malamuth...
...A program for parevehs would start with an assumption of their legitimacy as Jews, potential Jews or people with a valid interest in studying Judaism...
...we understand that and want to help you...
...We bring a passionate belief in God and the Jewish people expressed in a tolerant manner...
...Make it clear that while they may need conversion at some stage of the process, conversion is only a way station along a continuum of Jewish life, not a ticket to legitimacy...
...My mother went along with this, but later was sorry...
...Here, patrilineals must convert...
...Parevehs ask for outreach programs directed specifically at children of interfaith couples...
...We know families who have been told by Jewish authority figures not only that the gentile spouse must convert but also, to avoid confusion, they must minimize exposure to the Christian family," Margolis reported...
...Diane Traurig of Huntington Woods, Michigan, whose father was Jewish and mother Protestant, underwent a Reform conversion, the preparation for which \fthe Jewish community reaches out to us, you will see the flowering of a new American Judaism that will grow and take in new people...
...Virtually all have some sense of Jewish identity, the survey compilers report, describing themselves often in such hybrid ways as "semi-semitic, Jewish hillbilly" or "religiously Catholic, ethnically Zionist Jewish...
...she said...
...I've gone through a painful struggle being two people," Traurig said...
...But once other Jews found out I realy wasn't Jewish, they discouraged me...
...I don't want to and I can't be called a Jew-by-choice...
...They struggle for grudging acceptance by the religion they Mere bom into and alio have chosen...
...They assert that they are irrevocably tied to both their families and these ties cannot be undermined without endangering their psychological health...
...We have to learn to live with a duality inside ourselves," said Goodman-Malamuth...
...A" descendants of rtertarth marnage are influenced by both heritages and they must learn to kve comfortably with both those heritages...
Vol. 16 • February 1991 • No. 1
