Chairs Are for Tochises-And Other Talmudic Advice on Day-to-Day Living
SHERWIN, BYRON
Chairs are for Tochises BYRON SHERWIN As was our custom when the professor entered the classroom, we rabbinical students stood up and awaited permission to be seated. When Professor Alexander...
...You are referred to in the Talmud...
...When a rabbi wanted an exact quote to support his view during a debate, he asked the tanna...
...This word comes from a verbal root meaning 'to sit' So—sit...
...Others followed the flight of a fly around the room...
...For had any of you been there, I could have determined from what you did there how much of the Talmud you had studied...
...It's only a beginning...
...Leave it there...
...In Vienna, before the War, I used to go with a certain young lady who read Freud She shlepped me to his lectures...
...Loeb's classmates sat poised, ready for Zuckermandel's inevitable attack...
...You recited well...
...So, if you remain ignorant of Talmud, at least I shall notvbe ignorant of your names...
...But as Zuckermandel says Ask me to define time and I can, ask me to be on time, I cannot And so, as Hillel said to the famous one-legged gentile: Go and study...
...I see I must resort to extreme measures...
...Levine...
...The students shifted in their chairs with discomfort...
...On the platform stood a desk, a chair and a lectern...
...Rabbi Akiva said...
...zuckermandel reached into his pocket and pulled out a quarter, which he tossed at Loeb...
...Yes, sir...
...Some of the students wrote in their notebooks...
...As Loeb fumbled with his zipper, Zuckermandel observed, "Now, Loeb, answer very carefully...
...I think I would say, 'Good morning, Dr...
...For them you can invent a nonsense and say it is from the Talmud, but here you must give a source, a reference...
...I heard the urinals in his synagogue have commemorative plaques...
...He is my father," the student proudly said...
...Franklin, let's hear some wisdom...
...So, nu, Franklin, let's hear some wisdom from Pittsburgh...
...Lesson number three is not to be distracted in your studies...
...Nit, so tell me Franklin, what would your father, the eminent rabbi, say to this question...
...So, Loeb, are you a prodigy, are you a rung above being an ignoramus...
...What's the extra book, the missing part?—seichel—brains...
...Zuckermandel pointed to the paperback on the floor and said, "Berger...
...One has a clean face and one has a dirty face...
...Lesson number four is that flies and lazy students have no place in my class...
...I learned that one evacuates one's bowels not standing, but sitting, and I learned that it is proper to wipe with the left hand and not with the right...
...Good, Franklin...
...Zuckermandel cut him off...
...Very good...
...A cantorial student was sitting on the toilet singing arias...
...The ashen stub bounced off an uninhabited chair and lay smoldering on the floor...
...In talmudic times, they used to say that a tanna should not be smart...
...The tanna was a man who had memorized all the traditions, a man like a computer...
...Abbell," Zuckermandel said gendy, "have you what you think is an answer to my question...
...Because it's relevant, unlike the Talmud," Berger said defiantly...
...Zuckermandel went to the window and opened it completely, despite the morning chill...
...Factually, you are wrong...
...He sat down in front of his class, crossed his legs, adjusted his fedora, combed his bounAnd Other Sound Talmudic Advice on Day-to-Day Living tiful gray beard with his fingers, pointed his cigarette at the class and said, The reason we have these platforms here is to fulfill the rabbinic dictum that students ought to sit and study at the feet of their masters...
...Abbell looked at the floor...
...He turned to the proper page and began to recite, "It has been taught...
...However," Shalowitz conunued, falling into a talmudic intonation, "the man with the dirty face would look at the man with the clean face and assume that his own face was clean, and therefore, he—the man with the dirty face— would not wash his face...
...Earn your ice cream...
...Loeb himself suddenly seemed remarkably at ease...
...Do you have an answer to my question...
...Logic would dictate, sir...
...Loeb, we are not laymen...
...You are not an ignoramus...
...I looked all over and couldn't figure out where it was coming from...
...Able did not even merit being an ignoramus...
...This," he said, holding up the paper, "is my roll book...
...Zuckermandel lifted the cumbersome chair with surprising ease and carried it to the foot of the platform...
...Scholarship, morality—they're something else...
...Berger, have you an alternate possibility...
...It seemed European, but the country of origin could not be determined...
...Nu, Loeb, can you tell us why you would watch what I would do in the men's room...
...Sometimes, Loeb, even the rabbis spoke nonsense, but the study of their nonsense is our scholarship...
...The coin bounced from Loeb's hand onto the floor...
...Brains, seichei, imagination, logic, rhetoric...
...Abarbanel tells me you are the class prodigy...
...I'm complimenting you and you turn it into an insult...
...Well, better he should sing Italian arias on the toilet than he should chant Kai Nidrti there...
...I regret not having seen any of you there...
...Zuckermandel.'" "Able," Zuckermandel shot back, purposely distorting the student's name, "politeness does not a scholar make...
...From the Talmud, Professor...
...Everything is in the hands of heaven except colds and drafts," said Zuckermandel, quoting from the Talmud in Hebrew...
...So, Able, I repeat myself...
...If studying the Talmud does not teach you what to think, then, at least, it should teach you how to think...
...At the front of the room was a lecturer's platform...
...But not all men...
...Now, for our next class, I want you to prepare the first two folio pages of tractate Berachot, chapter nine...
...The biblical commandment—'you shall see them'—refers to wearing fringes on one's garments, and not to circumcision...
...So, Loeb, your text was correct, but your situation was not correct...
...To study the Talmud you must sense what a text means as well as what a text says...
...None of the students responded...
...But, you must return the quarter because you haven't completely earned your ice cream...
...A tall, gaunt student stood up mechanically...
...But, had any of you been there with me, what would you have done there, talmudically speaking, of course...
...Sit down, Berger, and listen...
...But, Berger, they were so boring, such nanshkeit, such stupidity I used to bnng a Talmud and study while Herr Doktor spoke As rabbis, it will not be your job to make Talmud relevant to the world...
...To do that, you must first put your head into the Talmud...
...No one laughed, except Zuckermandel...
...How can you expect to be rabbis when you can't even recite a simple passage from a simple tractate like Berachot...
...Zuckermandel noticed that the student's zipper was not entirely closed, s* "Loeb, I presume...
...Able," Zuckermandel added, "do not worry, my friend...
...But, Franklin, the devil also knows Scripture, and, if the devil were a scholar, he'd also know Talmud...
...Zuckermandel studied the class roster, letting the ashes of his cigarette fall onto his already stained tie...
...From whence do you arrive at such a voyeuristic conclusion...
...But erudition is not enough...
...I learned that one does not sit east and west, but north and south...
...Mengele had manners, even when sending children to be gassed...
...I see, Liebowitz, you are a pharmacist on the side," Zuckermandel observed, pointing to Liebowitz's briefcase...
...As he arose to recite, he tipped his Talmud and Freud's writings fell to the floor...
...Consider this example: Two men fall down a chimney together...
...But, if former generations were like men, then this generation is like asses...
...When Professor Alexander Zuckermandel opened the door and saw us standing, he said: "How can you expect to understand the Talmud when you do not even understand that the proper place for a tochis is a chair...
...I took her because I was poor and in love and the lectures were free...
...Loeb...
...Good, Loeb...
...Tractate Shabbat says: If former generations were like angels, we are like men...
...Liebowitz, perhaps you...
...Scott Cohen, graduate of exclusive boarding schools in New England and magna cum laude from Princeton, stood at his chair, fondling the Phi Beta Kappa key that hung from a chain on his vest...
...He lit a cigarette, holding it pinched between his index finger and his thumb...
...Why do you assume I went to the rest room to do anything...
...Zuckermandel rose suddenly from his chair, tossing his lit cigarette at the class...
...I was walking down the corridor toward the classroom and from somewhere I heard a beautiful rendition of an aria from Aida...
...Rabbi Akiva said: Once I followed Rabbi Joshua into a latrine, and by watching him I learned three things from him...
...The student nodded...
...It landed squarely in the fortunately empty waste-paper basket behind him...
...A few smiled...
...David Liebowitz, the class hypochondriac, lifted a volume of the Talmud from a briefcase filled with tissues and vials of pills...
...Abraham Berger was oblivious to the class discussion He had been reading an essay by Freud that was concealed within the large folio volume of Talmud that covered his desk...
...At the recent convention, I heard that the urinals in his synagogue have commemorative plaques celebrating the generosity of their donors...
...The rabbis, in fact, had no term for what we call 'manners.' Anyone can have manners...
...You honor your father...
...So, Loeb, close your pants and open your mouth...
...When I studied it for the first time, I found it replete with problems, but that may be because when I first studied it, I was five years old " Zuckermandel looked at the clock on the wall, lit another cigarette and said, "Why didn't you stop me...
...Zuckermandel tossed the stub of his cigarette over his shoulder...
...Your answers are not valid answers because my question is not a valid question...
...Said Ben Azzai to Akiva: Did you dare to take such liberties with Rabbi Joshua, your master...
...Remember, Franklin, the Talmud says—An ignoramus cannot be truly pious...
...So, gendemen," the professor continued, "your first lesson in the study of the Talmud is not to take every text literally...
...Because," Cohen said triumphantly, "men with dirty faces are known to wash their faces...
...Textu-ally, you are right...
...Akiva replied: It was a matter of Torah and I needed to learn...
...Now that I have your attention, gentlemen, let us return to the 'rest room.' None of you were there with me...
...Retrieve your money and buy yourself an ice cream...
...If this were a school to train podiatrists, there might be something to it...
...You have not made Abarbanel into a liar...
...I refer to the Babylonian Talmud, tractate Berachot, page 62, folio A, top of the page," Loeb said triumphantly...
...You are perhaps related to the famous Rabbi Maurice Franklin of Pittsburgh...
...Zuckermandel paused to puff on his cigarette...
...Yes, sir," a well-dressed student sitting in the back of the room responded...
...You deserve it for not making Abarbanel a liar...
...It will be your job to make the world relevant to the Talmud Nu, Shalowitz, do you agree with Coin'" "No, sir, the man with the clean face would wash his face " "Shalowitz This is not logical Why would a man with a clean face wash his face'" "Because looking at the man with the dirty face," Shalowitz said, "the man with the clean face would assume his own face was dirty and therefore would wash it...
...Sit down, Coin " Cohen slumped into his seat...
...Maybe I went in for another reason...
...No, sir, I have a cold...
...What I asked you is what we call in Yiddish a Uutzkasha—an ldiot-question, for who can assume that if two men fall down the same chimney at the same time that one will have a clean face and that one will have a dirty face...
...So, nu...
...So, lesson number six in studying the Talmud is that one should seek answers to questions, but that one should also question all questions as well as answers...
...When you are serving in congregations, you can't carry a library around with you—except in your head...
...So, Loeb, and the rest of you, erudition is good—though I wouldn't call knowing one text in Bemthot erudition...
...Confidently, Jay Loeb spoke, "It has been taught...
...Why do you say such a thing, Loeb...
...Franklin, calm down...
...Franklin...
...You would not want to make your teacher, Professor Abarbanel, into a liar...
...Don't be sorry...
...Loeb, a baseball player you'll never be...
...When I say recite, I mean from your memory, not from your book...
...So, you see, things could be worse...
...Cohen," Zuckermandel interjected, pronouncing his name "coin," "we have no time for amenities A simple answer would suffice " "Sir," Cohen repeated out of habit, "I believe the gentleman with the dirty face would wash his face " "Coin," Zuckermandel said sharply, "I did not say he was a gentleman, only a man A gentleman would not fall down a chimney...
...Jay Loeb...
...Recite the text from Berachot...
...So, they insisted upon stupid tannaim...
...I believe the answer to your question of what would I have done had I been in the men's room with you," Loeb began nervously, "is that I would have observed what you did there...
...Even an ignoramus knows that it is our tradition not to engage in conversation in a latrine...
...Why does the Torah have-five books and the Shulchan Aruch, the code of law, have only four books...
...As Stained Augustine, known by our Christian brethren as Saint Augustine, once said: Ask me what time is and I know...
...As it approached him, he grabbed it defdy in his hand and walked to the window, giving it its freedom...
...ask me to define it, I cannot...
...Only you have shown your classmates either that they are ignorant or that you are lucky...
...So, put the Talmud in your head...
...Before the student had a chance to reply, Zuckermandel continued: "I ask you this because your father has a reputation for being an expert in bathrooms...
...I am...
...Places where Talmud is studied are called yeshivot...
...Lesson number two," Zuckermandel continued, pointing his cigarette at the "No Smoking" sign on the wall, "is learning when to take a text seriously...
...Remember, Loeb, erudition reflects my memory, not intellect...
...But when I went into the rest room, I uncovered the source of my aesthetic pleasure...
...Zuckermandel lit another cigarette, blew a few smoke rings, reached into his vest pocket, and unfolded a sheet of paper with names on it...
...In fact, such is the case...
...I'm sorry, sir...
...He looked at the roster again and said: "Loeb...
...Zuckermandel's eyes followed the fly around the room...
...This is a difficult chapter...
...Now, Loeb, perhaps now that we have the citation, one of your classmates can blind us with erudition," Zuckermandel replaced his reading glasses with a pair of sunglasses, "by quoting the reference to which you refer...
...Mr...
...You are keeping your next professor waiting...
...Franklin...
...It belongs in the dust Why do you read such shmutz, such garbage...
...Mr...
...Gentlemen, perhaps...
...If the tanna was too smart, he might revise the quote...
...A talmudist—maybe...
...Cohen, which one will wash his face...
...Yes...
...As he spoke, some of the students tried to place his accent...
...Now, speaking of sitting, I have just returned from a sojourn to the 'rest room,' where I got relief but no rest...
...My father would say that charity is a virtue...
...Levine," Zuckermandel said, looking at his roster again, "perhaps you...
...At least you know the Ten Commandments...
...You are not even learned enough to merit that exalted status...
...So, nu, Coin, why would a man with a dirty face wash his face...
...Not logical, Shalowitz But reasonable, except if the light was on and each man looked into a mirror Then, the man with the dirty face might wash his face However, who but thieves would enter a house by the chimney' Do you think a thief would stop to wash his face'" Zuckermandel reached into his pocket and threw a penny at Shalowitz, and another at Cohen, and another at Liebowitz "Here's a penny for bubble gum You think like cows, so you should chew like cows...
...Good, Loeb...
...I'm no ignoramus, Professor, and neither is my father...
...These are necessary, as well...
Vol. 16 • February 1991 • No. 1
