Hannah Cried... But I Got Hormone Shots
SALKOWITZ, TRACY
'Hannah Cried... <But i got Hormone Shots TRACY SALKOWITZ An idealized image of motherhood by Mary Cassatt (1844-1926) portrays the hope of women who long for a child. A number of biblical...
...Gee, how come we get a bill from her gynecologist every other month...
...Hell, no...
...You know what the real kicker of all this is...
...God makes the barren woman dwell in her household as a joyful mother of children" (Psalms 113:9...
...I've only lost control once...
...At least not while anyone is looking...
...Whew...
...Hmm, how interesting," was the response...
...The difference between Clomid and Pergonal is like the difference between a water pistol and a nuclear warhead," she says...
...I am only reminded further of my own pain and longing...
...I feel like I'm walking around with my head in my crotch...
...I am delighted for them and will love their children, and I will not allow myself to indulge in self-pity...
...I was willing to gamble...
...But I'm not going to let my emotions overtake me...
...I've only lost control once, at a bris, where the birth of one child is linked to the travails of Jews throughout history...
...I've often wondered why I was chosen to have infertility problems, but there is no answer...
...Technology is incredible...
...Why not...
...But it's true...
...Time to start trying...
...The side effects would be worse than simply not having your period...
...My mother took me to the doctor when I was 13, already built with a full bust and hips...
...I didn't know what to expect, so I wasn't surprised when there was no spiritual rush or spontaneous conception...
...Who thought up that word, anyway...
...I wouldn't want to be anyone else...
...That works most of the time, but not always...
...Whatever the future brings, however, I'm still glad to be me and will make sure that I live my every moment to its fullest...
...It is difficult to think of anything else when each day is calendarized to body temperature, date and drugs...
...said my mother...
...Even when the question sounds perfectly innocent ("So when are you planning on having children...
...Yes, it is wonderful...
...Okay, let's tell it from the top...
...They bring me in for a sonogram...
...I've developed a sense of humor about the drugs, the hot flashes and the frustration— though the last one is the toughest...
...Careers set for husband and myself...
...Oops, let's try something else) and I was given birth-control pills in an effort to jump-start my body...
...It means that I'm going to redirect the energy of sadness...
...As I saw him welcomed into the covenant of the Jewish faith, the tears streamed down my face...
...And pain from not knowing how to answer inappropriate comments ("If you really want to help the Jewish people, you'll go home and have Jewish children...
...Both my husband and I are Tay-Sachs carriers...
...wondered my father's secretary...
...But I did a radical thing, at least for me, the ardent feminist...
...When should we start considering adoption...
...Don't be in too much of a rush—it takes time...
...That means there is a 25-percent chance that a fetus we create will have the disease and therefore would be aborted...
...My usual morning temperature is 96.8...
...Once your follicles reach 18 millimeters we can give you a shot of HCG, a hormone which will release the egg...
...So what do we do...
...She's built like a baby machine and yet she hasn't gotten her period...
...I love these technical answers...
...I love my life, my husband and whom I've become...
...Barren...
...It's amazing what you'll do when you want a child...
...My husband began to feel like a machine, and I just felt tired...
...Thus began the long search for the trouble...
...But do I need to hear about their friends who also are having babies, and won't it be fun for Junior to grow up with all these children...
...Instead I'm going to put all my energy and frustration into working on myself to make myself all that I can be...
...Finally, they ascertained the problem—a hormonal imbalance...
...All the Pill did was give me allergies, headaches, a period every month (no ovulation) and a bimonthly vaginal infection...
...I ask myself, how much garbage do I want to put in my body and for how long...
...The happiness and pain were inextricably intertwined, and the tears would not stop...
...My follicles don't make it past seven millimeters...
...I watch so many of my friends and relatives with their newborns, and feel that pain again in the pit of my stomach...
...She then tells me that this wonder drug comes from the urine of postmenopausal nuns in Italy...
...To teach my child there is nothing you can't do if you work hard—especially if you're a little girl, damn it...
...These expressions shouldn't bother me...
...I am a successful professional, passionately dedicated to my job, and I will not abide anyone who tries to stop me in my pursuit of justice...
...We just don't know how long it will take you to get pregnant...
...I would be horrified if any of my friends didn't share with me news about pregnancies or their children...
...I have lunch with a friend in a similar situation (I'm finding that I'm not alone by any means in my inability to conceive), and she is hopeful...
...Babies...
...Oh, Sarah, I understand your pain...
...Let's talk love, romance and warmth—and then let's talk about doing it on day number three, five and seven (we've got to keep the sperm count up) after the Clomid begins on day three or five of my cycle (depending on which doctor is dispensing directions...
...then let's talk about doing it on day number three, five and seven...
...Last round...
...As a Jew, I am consciously aware of my role and my responsibilities to the community...
...But before each round of Clomid, I'm given Provera to induce a period...
...Shall I who cause birth shut the womb...
...Give her Clomid, 50 milligrams...
...This is fun...
...Amazing contraption...
...I explode...
...And another year slips by...
...Anovulation (no ovulation) confirmed...
...This is fun...
...Does that mean I'm going to stop trying to conceive...
...Age 31...
...I am all these things...
...Apparently, older women who have never had children have a high dosage of whatever it is that is needed to grow eggs...
...A pharmaceutical company pays for the nuns' medical care in return for their urine...
...I'm going to put that energy of frustration into my job and become as successful as I can...
...I'm not going to put my life on hold...
...What's the story, doctor...
...I consider myself an ardent feminist...
...Being infertile has made me extremely sensitive to other people's pain...
...And I will go to the mikvah again, God willing, if I get my period again...
...Sex...
...Joy at what I have and hope that my life will be further enriched if I'm able to have a child...
...And what if the stronger drug doesn't work...
...I'm going to be excited about being thinner, healthier and more attractive...
...The new kind—a vaginal probe...
...Irony of ironies, being denied by God, I may be rediscovering God...
...Now that's an interesting challenge...
...Consequently, it has made me more compassionate and more effective in my own work...
...Yet when I hear the expression "incomplete woman," the pain in the pit of my stomach is fierce...
...When I was 23, just married and contemplating graduate school, I was told not to wait to have a child...
...T> 1 T II .1 IT ,1 Let's talk love, romance and warmth—and...
...This doesn't mean I'll have an anti-choice baby, does it...
...First, go buy yourself a good thermometer and start off every day checking your temperature...
...Painfully...
...Let's try one more dosage of Clomid before we go on to Pergonal...
...What it really boils down to is that I'm glad I'm me...
...It sounds so hollow and empty—sort of like my womb...
...But we plug on...
...Stop that...
...I wonder what the side effects of the stronger drug will be...
...A number of biblical passages convey the tragedy of infertility...
...My jaw drops open as the technician shows me my follicles (the egg holders) and measures their size...
...Let's fix it...
...I shed many tears and determined that even if that were the case, I was not yet ready to have a child...
...I now can fit into clothes I haven't been able to wear in years...
...I ve always lived by the motto that I could get run over by a truck tomorrow, so I should make the most of my life today...
...I was bowled over, however, by the feeling of connection that I felt with my foremothers who have been going to the mikvah for centuries...
...catch myself looking down occasionally, thinking, "Don't sit there, grow...
...I went to a mikvah, a ritual bath for observant Jewish women...
...Not till you're ready to have a baby, dear...
...Then I think, "but that's why I want a child...
...said your God" (Isaiah 66:9...
...Okay, so I'm not exactly known for my rational thinking...
...Perhaps this was part of the grand plan after all...
...And part of being me is being infertile...
...The crummy chart doesn't go below 97 degrees...
...When does it stop being worth it...
...As it is, I'm having more hot flashes than any woman I've ever met going through the change...
...I was so happy for my friends and their new son...
...Ouch...
...How do wejustify putting our lives on hold in the hopes of a ' 'someday, maybe...
...I especially love getting the flashes during an important meeting, or better yet when I'm giving a speech ("My, she's so impassioned...
...I catch myself looking down occasionally, thinking, "Don't sit there, grow...
...Will I have one to play with Junior, too...
...Most importantly, I've decided that it is okay to be sad and to shed those tears of frustration as a release and an acknowledgment of the pain...
...By age 18, I had been checked by four gynecologists, along with a score of medical students (such an unusual case...
...Of course, it was at a bris, where the birth of one child is linked to the travails of Jews throughout history, in a ceremony that connects us from one generation to another...
...Now I live a life of joy first and hope second...
...I do not attend services regularly or keep kosher...
...How is my inability to conceive juxtaposed with my Jewishness...
...Then 100, 150, 200 milligrams...
...Attractive image, yes...
...I call it a stick shift because that's what it feels like from that much-beloved, dignified position in the doctor's office...
...I was given hormones (the blood came out the wrong end of my body...
...I am not a "traditional" Jew...
...I wonder if my sister would donate an egg for the cause...
...I've gone on a diet and started to exercise every night...
...I've been active on behalf of women's rights and the pro-choice movement for years...
...I made a radical decision...
...Pain from despairing over our dwindling numbers and my own inadequacy...
...After all, I know how ridiculous they are, and yet I catch myself wondering, in the dark of night, if maybe they're true...
Vol. 13 • December 1988 • No. 9
