Thou Shalt Get Married (Already!)
JACOBS, BETTY S.
Thou Shalt Get Married (Already!) BETTY S. JACOBS When God took a rib from Adam and created Eve, Adam said, "At last! Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh!" He did not say, ' 'Wait a minute. I'm...
...Where do you find these panic-stricken singles...
...At times I think we hold each other back from doing what we should do...
...I entered the shadchen office feeling painfully self-conscious...
...I sat down determined to impress...
...Some sec this situation as a community crisis, since more unmarried Jews means fewer Jewish children...
...According to a survey by the American Jewish Tear Book, 38 percent of adult American Jews are unmarried...
...When I'm fifty the kid will be about ten...
...They started talking and the hamantashen led to the wedding cake...
...Why would anyone want to prolong that misery into adulthood...
...I spoke with men and women who are searching for a mate...
...But their primary commitment is to themselves...
...It's also a letting down of hair...
...I decided to search for my table...
...I'm not ready to commit...
...I was actually doing something that I could control, something that could bring me closer to a goal...
...I actually saw one for a few months...
...volunteering myself to shadchenis seemed the best way...
...Most sing)e men just won't commit themselves.'' Yet the Bible tells us, "It is not good for man to be alone...
...Does this mean that this entire generation of Jewish singles is in need of therapy...
...I don't want 10 be a grandfather, I want to be a father.' " Delayed marriage is something that didn't exist in Jewish history until recently...
...Halfway into the interview and I was actually enjoying the exchange...
...about and probably graduate school...
...In today's mainstream Jewish culture, it is essential that the partner standing under the chupah be someone who has already found a place in our hearts...
...I don't think we made a dent in getting to know one another...
...My sense of him is that he's put off marriage and he's now really ready to meet someone who is serious...
...What about love...
...In the late 1970s, a different approach was tried by an LSS organization known as Yachad (the Hebrew word for "together...
...The singles needed to meet in smaller groups, in homes...
...Maybe they ran out...
...He says to himself, 'I'd belter have a child now...
...Wherever I go, whatever I do, I'm constantly on the prowl...
...I'm thinking of getting my MBA and I've got my eye on this big co-op deal...
...Not a heck of a lot to go on...
...Staying home and eating popcorn in front of the TV might be easier, but it's perpetual...
...We're so close it's like we're married...
...I always believed that by the time I was 30 I'd be married and when I wasn't, it was scary...
...She was grateful for the opportunity...
...I have friends, wonderful women, who haven't had any calls...
...He would be the one with the red beard...
...It takes an enormous amount of work...
...Today we live in a society where it's harder to meet once you've reached your late twenties...
...Thai biological clock can be almost deal1 ening," says Dr...
...Maybe I'll look for my ezer knegdo* then...
...Women, for better or for worse, I think for better, are assuming more roles outside the home," says Michael, who came to New York City to improve his social life...
...Sharon paused for a moment, "I haven't heard from the committee for a while...
...Either way, it's agony for those of us who are living it...
...Who are these stylishly dressed people fervently gabbing with each other, desperately making and avoiding eye contact, wildly gesticulating and smiling away...
...I see singles in their thirties who are mature and in touch with their feelings, but terrified," explains Dr...
...Sharon did not need to hide the fact that she was seeking the assistance of a shadchen...
...Single women are talking about having babies outside of marriage...
...They've achieved some level of success in their careers and they see themselves getting older and are thinking they might want kids...
...Deep inside these individuals lurks the fear that they are basically unlovable...
...He captured the minds of young Jews (many non-affiliated) who wanted to develop their Jewish identity without compromising their lifestyle too much...
...There's college to think * Variously translated "an equal partner," "a corresponding r.ompanion," "a matthing power" or a "Hiting helper"— from Genesis 2; 18...
...I was also stuck with a pair of shoes I would never wear again...
...Men don't have biological clocks to worry about, so they can afford to wait for that perfect woman...
...There are two broad types: ihe people who want to get married but are subconsciously pushing potential mates away, and the people who say they want to gel married, but really don't," The individual in the first group sees marriage as therapy, a way to complete his or her deficiencies, according to Dr...
...The critical period for men is at forty," says Dr...
...There's a greater sense of commitment when you agree to meet with another person eye-to-eye...
...My generation was taught that with a good education and dedication to work, we could attain any material goal that we set our minds to...
...Some call it mazal (luck), others fate, but it all comes down to believing in a power stronger than ourselves...
...It alleviates that awful pressure of putting yourself out there all the time...
...My gut reaction was reluctance, but I agreed to have my number given to Jack the dentist...
...I set up an interview with the committee...
...His name is Jack and he's an outgoing dentist...
...Having only one person administer it raised difficulty in terms of three essential components to a successful service: time, commitment and follow-up," Rabbi Berman explains...
...The committee started initially as an experiment to see whether people would come forward to be interviewed," says Rabbi Berman...
...On the other hand, to get twenty females you make maybe five calls...
...Two smiles welcomed me and I sat down determined to impress...
...Single women feel that the 1980s man is looking for a perfect woman, physically and mentally...
...Feldhammer's gatherings resulted in six matches (shidduchim), which she considers a success...
...They don't put the marriage idea before the person like women do," sighs Judy...
...Whoever this person marries will make him or her a whole person, this individual thinks...
...In talking with them about their social lives, I found they weren't meeting as easily as they had hoped to," says Karin Feldhammer, the first private shadchen born of LSS...
...All I need is a terrific outfit...
...Eventually a committee of 20 people formed, comprised of volunteers (both married and single) from the LSS community...
...Feet throbbing and heart pounding, I approached a table that held a large bowl filled with slips of paper...
...My recollection of adolescence is walking around selfconsciously worrying about what my future would hold...
...Psychologists diagnose today's singles as a generation with a deep fear of commitment and unrealistic expectations of marriage...
...The dates were pleasant enough, but never quite what I was looking for and the pickings were anorexic...
...Go out...
...Let's hope I don't become one of the oldest," he laughs...
...She has already had two successful careers and maintains a more than comfortable standard of living...
...If you delay too long, it just blows out...
...What motivated Feldhammer to undertake such a difficult project...
...Lincoln Square Synagogue is an Orthodox synagogue, yet singles from every denomination enter its doors to pray, attend classes and join in the shul activities...
...Most single men just won't commit themselves...
...The LSS community offers not only a place to meet each other, but acceptance of our singlehood...
...I cope with the loneliness by having close friends...
...They decide it is better not to get involved in the first place...
...Living in the Lincoln Square singles community buffers loneliness, but falls short of eradicating it...
...I find the ideal way to meet is on a one-on-one basis...
...Lincoln Square held more of these "Madison Square Garden" singles events until 1986, when the organizers realized that filling a room with singles was not the ideal way for people to connect on a meaningful level...
...A definite possibility...
...They're ready to meet someone...
...The worst that could happen is that you made a nice friend...
...aftali Reich, a Manhattan psychologist...
...He's looking for a slim, intelligent shomer Shabbat [Sabbath-observant] girl who loves kids...
...I met with the Jewish skadchenim (matchmakers) who offer to help in their search, as well as the psychologists who help them cope with the waiting...
...Has the skadchen committee helped...
...I deal with that all the time...
...There has always been the need for a service like this," says Beverly Luchfeld, director of the LSS shadchen committee, who herself married at 33...
...I remember all too well what it was like...
...then maybe ' 'how" would not be far off...
...When the big night arrived, I walked nervously down the stairs that led to the synagogue ballroom...
...says Rabbi Mordecai Reich, psychologist and consultant at the National Jewish Outreach Program...
...Or thai we just haven't found the person we can fall in love with...
...I'll deal with marriage then...
...I felt good about going to the shadchen committee...
...I'm the one with my hands jammed in my pockets, taking it out on my cuticles...
...Follow me...
...In our great-bubbie^s day, the village shadchen took care of things...
...I went out with one guy for a number of months...
...To them, this spells rejection...
...I tried the personals, figuring I could sift through the responses and be guaranteed some dates...
...The search at times feels like an obsession...
...Then there arc loans to pay back...
...I'm not shy...
...For women, life starts to change—or shall I say "tick"—once they hit their thirties...
...I don't feel any pressure to get married...
...When you ask for dating help, you're admitting vulnerability...
...Donna laughs, then turns serious...
...Donna calls most first dates the 'war zone.' "It's an interviewing process that borders on grilling," she says...
...My deepest frustration is that my raison d'etre has become looking for someone," says Alan...
...It's noi enough that you keep your self in shape," says Judy, another Upper WestSider...
...Reich...
...living Levitz, psychologist and professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work ai Yeshiva University...
...I find myself waiting for my real life to start...
...I guess the most important lessons in all this waiting are realizing that every stage in our lives is vital, that we should maintain trust in God and be open for that moment when the b'sheart arrives...
...Reich...
...For me the shadchen committee is supplementary...
...The women are there for only one reason: to find a husband...
...My frustrations with singles events never got easier...
...I'd walk away with my phone book filled with names of new girlfriends, but my date calendar remained empty...
...I go to every singles event because I enjoy it," boasts Alan, a 29-year-old stock broker...
...Ten years ago I moved to the Upper West Side and noticed the huge number of singles...
...The future of Judaism is at stake...
...Sometimes I feel like my life hasn't really begun yet...
...I believe it will happen and it could happen tomorrow...
...She didn't realize the importance of timing for a guy...
...Although in the end it didn't work out, I'd call it a successful match...
...Although intermarrying would certainly improve the odds and alleviate the loneliness for many Jewish singles, they continue to look for ways to link with their own...
...Willi their ego needs and bank accounts gratified, why should these men and women marry...
...So the dance stunk and the blind date was a bust, but my loneliness will only end if I'm out there participating...
...The chances of meeting new people are excellent...
...We agreed to meet in front of the restaurant...
...What could I say to that, except what you are likely to hear behind the counter at a crowded deli during the lunch crush: "Next...
...no problem...
...I've waited this long, I can wait a month, I thought...
...They come for one basic reason—to meet...
...I'm unhappy a good deal of the time," says Michael...
...The bottom line in both these circumstances is marriage...
...Practical, but unromantic...
...By the end of the night I realized that finding Mr...
...I imagined what would go through their heads, 'What's the matter, Lenny, can't get a date the normal way?' Although objectively, going to a shadchen has much more dignity and class than going to one of those awful singles cruises...
...There seems to be less pressure on the man to have a sense of control in the relationship, yet it is still appealing to the woman for the man to assume the financial responsibilities...
...1 entered the shadchen office feelmg painfully self-conscious...
...The couples went into the marriage with the understanding that love develops from their commitment to make a life together," says Luchfeld...
...She said fine, then all of a sudden she was too busy for me...
...The room was packed, buzzing with small talk...
...I'm one of their younger candidates...
...Instead, Head Rabbi Saul J. Berman organized a singles committee to study the problem that was aging along with the people...
...I think it makes you stronger...
...We're constantly reassuring each other when we get depressed over this singles situation...
...I was instructed to pick a slip...
...What makes this generation of Jewish singles different from those of the past...
...It stands to reason that if singles, instead of putting their lives on hold, commit themselves to being the best people they can be, they will be better prepared to bring someone else into their lives...
...How do singles deal with these deeply disturbing feelings...
...Right was not going to be so simple...
...I get so tired of it...
...I felt it made more sense...
...They took out a pile of blue index cards (I assumed they were color-coordinated according to age) and started shooting off names with short descriptions...
...The committee holds role-playing workshops designed to relax the singles and open them up...
...My fellow diners proved decent enough, kind of like the chicken and sweet carrots on my plate—tasty, but temporary...
...Although she no longer holds her "parlor meetings," Feldhammer continues to introduce couples on a one-on-one basis...
...With all these mixed messages, men and women are not sure what they expect from each other...
...then he escorted me home and waved good-bye...
...I remembered my friend's wise first-date advice, "Suspend judgment...
...My loneliness will only end if Fm out there participating...
...I took a deep breath and dove in...
...In the shtetls of Eastern Europe, the shadchen was a paid businesswoman who negotiated between the two sets of parents...
...To get twenty males to a party you wind up making forty calls...
...Word was spreading around the synagogue of this new shadchen committee and I knew it was only a matter of time before I approached them...
...It's like a protracted adolescence...
...I asked for a little more information...
...But finding the right mate is not entirely in our hands...
...Feldhammer met with rabbis and rebbitzens and they decided to build up a singles file and organize events in private homes...
...Be warned: You won't be able to continue without crossing to the opposite side because of the mob of people spreading across the sidewalk, and even spilling out into the road...
...I want to go on with the rest of my life...
...LSS's rabbis were confident that this would alleviate the problem...
...Every female wants to bring a sister or an eager roommate," Feldhammer explains...
...People are tired of living the lives they've led...
...Besides, there's a singles weekend at the Concord coming up...
...I know of a couple who met on Purim while they were packing shalach manos (Purim gifts of food) baskets for the underprivileged," tells Rabbi Dovid Goldwasser of Ghizuk, a Jewish outreach program and branch of Agudath Israel...
...Too many single Jews today are not ready to devote themselves to another person and the possibility of a family," says Rabbi Reich...
...And so was I. I looked on my initiation to Yachad at a Shabbat dinner in the early 1980s as my big chance to meet my b'skeart...
...It could happen tomorrow...
...It takes an enormous amount of work...
...Right) has become a complicated venture...
...People not only came forward, they rushed forward, which caused some unexpected problems...
...Now there are singles at Lincoln Square Synagogue from every major Jewish community in the world: Australia, England, France, South America, South Africa, Belgium...
...They were booked solid for a month...
...So love can come before or after marriage...
...These people are not looking for a relationship, they're looking lor a resume...
...He said there was no chemistry," my interviewer informed me...
...It contained the number of the table where I was to sit...
...Love wasn't as important, initially, as security, and often, status...
...Finding one's b'shearl (the fated one, or Mr,/Ms...
...The other group sutlers from intense ambivalence about the prospect of hooking up with another person...
...I am one of the hundreds of Jewish singles living in what has become the singles East Coast mecca, Manhattan's Upper West Side...
...The fellow had run out of hamantashen and asked the woman beside him for a few...
...So some married congregants at the synagogue, concerned about this plight of the singles, decided to help—they started matchmaking...
...8...
...It's a confusing time for a man...
...Amid the drone of the other diners and two dishes of fettucine alfredo, Jack and I attempted to get to know each other...
...All in all, I've been very satisfied with the committee...
...My phone bill is tremendous...
...As spiritual beings, singles are capable of a tremendous amount of growth," says Berman...
...Now the benefits of independence have worn off...
...What do you think...
...As Alan said...
...I've got something lined up this weekend...
...The majority of the men (no matter what age) who patronize the shadchen committee see it as a dating service...
...They call me regularly...
...Life was feeling more and more like the pick of the draw...
...What do men of the 1980s expect from women...
...I believe it will happen and it could happen tomorrow.'' Aside from maintaining strong friendships, singles seek outlets where they can give of themselves and grow as Jews...
...They want someone gorgeous, with degrees and who can be a wonderful mother . . . to them and the kids...
...He seemed a bit uptight, but so was I, acutely aware of every noodle going into my mouth...
...Singles have as much of a responsibility to strive for that growth before they're married as they have in their marriage...
...It all helps, but it's not the answer...
...Alan speaks for every single when he says, "I have a lot of love to give and if I don't find anyone to share it with it's a shame...
...I try to make my job worthwhile and choose the right friends...
...They've got ihe "come here—go away" blues...
...By this time there's a 30-year-old with career well established who lives in a generation that sanctions romantic relationships outside of marriage...
...I asked her out...
...After dinner we walked along Central Park...
...I thought, "I'm young, attractive and intelligent...
...Living life by oneself for many years is lonely and frustrating...
...And men don't have it as easy as many women might imagine...
...In essence you are saying you haven't been able to do what others seem to be able to do: find someone," sighed Len...
...LSS's magnetism for singles started in the 1960s, when Rabbi Shlomo Riskin took the pulpit and the community by storm, injecting Orthodox theology into the pulse of 20th-century America...
...We certainly had enough to talk about...
...Their major concern in forming an intimate relationship is that moment when they are found out for the bores they think they are, he explains...
...Don't all the statistics show that there's a plethora of available women out there...
...But Feldhammer's efforts were clearly only a drop in the ocean of Lincoln Square singles...
...That was and is the goal of every shadchen in every era...
...Rabbi Riskin's Wednesday night lectures spoke to such timely issues as: "Sex and the Single Jew," and "The Jew and His Relationship to Society...
...They would be aware of the right possibilities," says Len, a lawyer in his late twenties...
...But, although the singles enjoy spending Shabbat and the holidays with one another, the message still rings loud that the backbone of Judaism is the family...
...People think that men who have to find dates this way are lacking something...
...We live in a society where if s harder to meet once youVe reached your late twenties...
...When I was younger I was open to more people," says Donna, an Upper West Side single...
...When someone is saying, 'I can't make it on my own,' they're broadcasting, 'I'm not really in this to be with you...
...Baffled, I called the shadchen committee to see if he spoke with them after our date...
...I never heard from him again...
...I'm here to complete me.' Their neediness frightens people away...
...Naftali Reich...
...I like the committee's brunches...
...So I bought a terrific outfit, down to a pair of beautiful white shoes that pinched my feet...
...Maybe we are a "stiff-necked people," as the Torah states...
...Men continue to have the pressure of making the all-important first move...
...I thought the date went well...
...We are the Jewish singles who have gravitated to Manhattan's Lincoln Square Synagogue...
...When I went to the shadchen committee, I pretended I was looking for a class...
...Our expectations are not what they used to be...
...Sharon has had no problem with attaining goals in her life...
...I didn't mind...
...What I really want is to be in love...
...Many men are casual daters...
...Berman hopes the shadchen program will encourage the singles to participate more fully in the community's needs and acts of chesed (kindness...
...I wanted to help...
...When he's interested, it's like a spark...
...At Lincoln Square, singles say they feel more free to express their Jewish commitment actively without feeling like outcasts because they are not married (yet...
...It can get very frustrating...
...Any Saturday about noon, walk down the west side of Amsterdam Avenue towards 69th Street...
...It was not enough to have a synagogue...
...I thought that if I could answer the question "why...
...I met a girl during the 'How you can meet in the supermarket' scenario," Alan says...
...His following grew rapidly, then people followed the following and Lincoln Square became the place to be...
...I, along with my countless fellow singles, have to search actively for our gifts...
...Len looks away for a moment, then admits ' 'their words make sense to the mind, but not the heart...
...Every man I tried to speak with had this strange affliction: His eyes, unable to focus, darted wildly around the room...
...So why doesn't every single take advantage of this opportunity...
...In a sense they're filling the needs that one person will eventually fill...
...But the man has to wonder: Does she want to be pursued or pursue...
...Women are now encouraged to pursue their careers with great ambition, while on the social front they are still expected to be passive...
...Three weeks later, I received a call from Jack...
...Adam's loneliness ended with his heavenly gift of Eve...
...You're forced to recognize that it's in the hands of God," says Len...
...From this group was born the Lincoln Square Synagogue Shadchen Service...
...T don't think I would have become the kind of person I am in terms of deep-down security about myself had I married earlier," continues Sharon...
...He's shy at first, but opens up and is quite sociable...
...Like Nietzsche said, 'That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.' I have a lot of friends whose importance can't be understated...
...The singles were a relatively small population who were expected and eager to marry by the age of 18 (shmtmeh esrei t'chupak— 18 to the marriage canopy), But a typical 18-year-old (along with his/her parents) in 20th-century America has a considerably different life agenda in mind...
...He smiled hello from behind his red beard and we went in...
...There's a basic fear of confronting the truth in public...
...We must be an open vessel for that blessing to come into," says Goldwasser...
...I hear from the committee pretty often and the girls they've given me have been very nice...
...as well as from all over the United States...
...Yachad sponsored huge singles Shabbat meals, with an average bash feeding 300 hopefuls...
...When relating to the opposite sex, they feel they are pulling on an act," says Dr...
...Men don't feel that same urgency...
...I got about four phone calls...
...Now, I need a guy with both direction and confidence, who can be independent, but not intimidated by my confidence and independence...
...Why do men go to a shadchen in the first place...
...The manic atmosphere was hardly conducive to relaxing, let alone for opening up to someone else...
...It's admitting that you can't do it on your own, which leaves you in a vulnerable position," says Luchfeld...
Vol. 13 • October 1988 • No. 7
