The Republican strategy for electing Jeb in 2008
Hahn, Kate
THE SAME DAY that George W. Bush won the 2004 presidential election, scientists announced that the Arctic glaciers are melting at an accelerated speed as a result of increased global warming....
...All of Lanai will be converted to a giant Wal-Mart...
...By shrinking the areas reserved for endangered plants and animals on all of the islands, Bush will begin to make Hawaii look exactly like the rest of the United States...
...His District neighbors, the majority of whom are AfriDISSENT / Winter 2005 n I I I NOTEBOOK can Americans, will not...
...Relaxing the Clean Water Act Blue Target Maryland, Delaware, and Pennsylvania Democrats love their water...
...The nation's capital has long been the number one U.S...
...Susan Sarandon will star in Why God Chose George Wand Tim Robbins will be in Rumsfeld: A Holy Man, a Holy War...
...citizens north of Virginia...
...Out of fear, tourists will avoid the Dells, students will stop applying to Ann Arbor, and businesses will relocate...
...Radioactive seepage from the containers will offer many new opportunities for fun...
...In 2008, the president will hold a large-scale, down-home, fish fry/tent revival on the banks of Lake Superior in which citizens from the four states will sign a pledge to vote Republican in exchange for a free perch fillet...
...This is evidence that the current administration is using its environmental policies to try to flood the Northeast, thereby drowning all U.S...
...Once most Mid-Atlantic dwellers have moved to gated communities in Texas that lock from the outside on election day, Bush will turn their former homeland into a giant water park where vacationers can jet-ski without restrictions on fuel spills or waste-dumping...
...The region will be forced to depend on federal handouts and Texas food imports...
...Anyone who glows will not be admitted to the polling place for fear of spreading nuclear contamination...
...But the Bush administration plans to remove protections on streams and wetlands in this area...
...The entire area's mercury level will shoot so high that meteorologists will use slabs of Wisconsin cheese to track the temperature, and Lake Michigan swimmers will be able to use their fingers just like thermometers...
...Policy...
...The aroma of Cinnabon will replace that of plumeria...
...When a portion of this unaccounted-for, bomb-making material detonates in D.C...
...I 12 n DISSENT / Winter 2005...
...Once the visitors stop coming, Bush will convert the tourist information kiosks into army recruitment centers...
...This will give the Republican Party a guaranteed majority for decades to come, while at the same time removing Canada as a refuge for secular humanists...
...With no other options for employment, 85 percent of Hawaiians will enlist...
...KATE HAHN is a Los Angeles-based freelancer who has written for Newsweek and other publications...
...Kerry windsurfs...
...The stench will diminish tourism dollars, sink oceanfront property values, and, in a domino effect, lead to the collapse of agriculture industries, casting the entire region into a recession...
...nuclear proliferation program than to contain the remains of existing nuclear weapons worldwide...
...Fearful that their jobs will disappear in a party shift, they will vote Republican in 2008...
...Those in the Mid-Atlantic region get their kicks drinking clean H2O...
...Policy: Lack of Controls on Mercury Emissions from Coal-Fired Power Plants Blue Target Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Minnesota Bush has a plan to dispense with the Upper Midwest's Democratic vote as easily as Canada dispenses life-saving medication...
...This will leave three million people with the option of chugging tributary swill that is unprotected by pollution regulations or relocating to Texas, where aqueducts will transport purified water from the newly melted glaciers...
...The Kennedys sail...
...Policy: Oil Drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge Blue Target: Washington, Oregon, California Slurping up black gold here will disrupt migratory birds, whales, and seals that help balance the ocean ecosystem of the West Coast axis of evil: Washington, Oregon, and California...
...Northern lakes will be warmer and more comfortable for swimmers year-round due to the presence of radiation in groundwater...
...The residents of the District of Columbia voted 90 percent to 10 percent to take Bush out of office...
...Whether in the form of a mushroom cloud or widely scattered radioactive dirty-bomb material, the atomic attack will signal a start to what Bush has been trying to do for the past four years—make black people disappear...
...Erosion will destroy coral reefs...
...Policy Underfunding Nuclear Weapons Disposal Programs Blue Target: Washington, D.C...
...Bush will declare a federal disaster area, and then, citing economic pragmatism, unite the three states into a single entity called Trinity...
...Californians hang ten...
...And when they go, so goes a large part of the Democratic base...
...Southern sport fishers will have new mutant species to catch...
...To reward Nevada voters for supporting him, it won't even be in their state...
...But it won't really matter, because after twelve more years of Bush environmental policy, the entire United States will be declared uninhabitable, and citizens will be evacuated...
...Policy: Unsafe Storage of Radioactive Waste at Yucca Mountain Target Democratic Counties in Majority Republican states Bush will make sure this will not be just one mountain, but an entire range called the Yucca National Recreation Area...
...He will graciously offer to help it recover by subsidizing Hollywood productions, as long as Tinsel Town agrees to make 50 percent of its new releases "education" films...
...It will be such a popular destination that when "Rebs for Jeb" holds a fundraiser there in 2007, it will take in record-breaking amounts of cash...
...As these animals die off, get lost in the Pacific, or beach themselves, algae will bloom unabated in mass colonies off the coast...
...In November 2008, Bush will cite the fact that daytime voting cuts down on worker productivity, and hold elections after dark...
...Soon, visitors will ask themselves why they are paying thousands of dollars to drink a Mai Tai in the Maui Applebee's or "get lei-ed" while being squawked at by pigeons instead of serenaded by birds that look like they are made of rainbows...
...target in a potential nuclear attack, but Bush has spent more money to fund the U.S...
...Decreasing the Size of Wildlife Conservation Areas Blue Target: Hawaii No state counts on its unique natural beauty to attract tourists more than Hawaii...
...Big mistake...
...Unlike naturally formed ranges, the Yuccas will consist of concrete-coated piles of radioactive waste containers that will veer erratically throughout the United States, sticking to blue counties from Louisiana to Ohio to New Mexico...
...like a schoolyard of "Little Boys," the president and his buddies will escape to bunkers or seal themselves into safe rooms with air-filtration systems...
...Because the seepage will occur slowly over many generations, the Democratic counties will not be able to vote for centuries to come...
...This massive "thirst flight" will deplete state treasuries, leading to school closings and infrastructure collapse...
...By increasing the amount of mercury allowed in coal-fired power plant emissions, he will ensure that every fish in every Great Lake contains unsafe levels of quicksilver...
...Here is how W. plans to use environmental policy to destroy the power of the remaining blue states and ensure his brother Jeb's victory in 2008: Policy...
...Trinity's massive number of electoral votes will go uncounted in 2008 because of Bush-installed governor Mel Gibson's conversion of the state's voting booths into confessionals...
Vol. 52 • January 2005 • No. 1
