The Last Page
Phillips, Maxine
Astranger smiled at me on Broadway the other day and I smiled back at him. This shouldn't be unusual, but in New York City it is. What made me reflect on this brief encounter was the ease I now...
...Instead, we walked in silence for a couple of blocks...
...The minute the child was against my stomach instead of inside, the male response to me as a desirable female ceased...
...I don't know...
...And while I was pushing a stroller and enjoying this new life on the streets, something else happened...
...128 • DISSENT...
...For years I gritted my teeth walking past construction sites or candy stores...
...You're very attractive...
...I wanted to hold her tight and say, "You're still a child...
...And we continued toward the subway...
...Let me knot your shirt up...
...At last, with pregnancy, I thought I'd found the perfect defense...
...No, the true turnoff, as it happens, is a baby or small child...
...You don't know what it's like to be seen as a woman...
...My oldest daughter is twelve now...
...There was no need...
...Well, that's one reason why I married him, isn't it...
...I didn't always feel that way...
...Last spring, on a warm night in the Village, she wanted to roll up her tee shirt to show off some fake tattoos on her stomach...
...Would I have traveled more widely, visited more places even here in the city if I hadn't been burdened with unpleasant memories from the Luxembourg Gardens to Chapultepec Park...
...And the tension that I hadn't felt for years rose in my chest...
...I'm not sure exactly when it happened...
...My mother's prediction came true...
...It's not true," said my loyal husband...
...No, the regret was for those years when rage and fear limited my sights, when my "nice girl" training kept me from confronting harassers—and when two attempted rapes kept me more cloistered than I wished...
...I rehearsed in my mind all the wonderful put-downs I read in Ms...
...This ease has nothing to do with not fearing crime...
...and would never be brave enough to try...
...I reached that age...
...When I was twelve years old and got my first wolf whistle I was thrilled...
...Would I ever have been able to see men on the streets as other than menaces...
...She is tall and buxom, both of which she sees as liabilities...
...I came home excited by the thought, eager to try new adventures while I was still young enough to enjoy them but too old to be hassled...
...I wasn't sure how ancient you had to be for guys to ignore you, but probably pretty old, like her, say, fortyfive...
...That hope died on my honeymoon, when for a half hour in Paris I strayed from my husband to visit a museum and spent the time fending off an obnoxious twenty-something man...
...Some men, it turns out, are excited by the sight of a pregnant body...
...Alone for the first time in ten years, I ventured along boulevards and in museums with my nerves taut...
...I'm talking about broad daylight, crowded-street ease, being able to walk without having any male make comments about me or my body...
...Not here," I cautioned, although my rational mind said there was no better place...
...Was there a part of me that regretted this loss...
...Now men who might have seemed threatening or lascivious before offered me seats on the bus and shared comments about their own children...
...My mother was less excited and told me that I'd be hearing some form of this for a long time, until I got too old...
...Go ahead," I urged her...
...The thrill wore off fast...
...In my braless twenties I toughed it out, refusing to modify dress for either street or office...
...I was invisible...
...They didn't notice you because it was raining so much and you were all bundled up...
...In my thirties I thought a wedding ring would be some protection...
...What made me reflect on this brief encounter was the ease I now feel on the streets...
...Wrong...
...No, it's OK," she said...
...I noticed it first on another trip to Paris...
Vol. 44 • April 1997 • No. 2
