Animal Planet

...I can only suggest abolishing the Food Channel and putting its employees to work launching and promoting a second Animal Planet...

...How to reconcile this inspiring optimism-a psychic shot in the arm, really-with the pernicious ramifications of niche entertainment in general...

...How else to explain wacky beast-related shows like Animal Face-Off, which stages showdowns between robotic simulations of predators (You always wanted to know who would win a shark-vs.-hippo match, didn't you...

...Unfortunately, my experiment hit an immediate snag when I initially homed in on the Food Network...

...The development may seem trivial, but it has deep implications for the civic welfare...

...Nor is the network's resourcefulness limited to concepts...

...And if you own an iPod, you don't even have to buy the same CDs as other folks: you can craft a musical canon that pleases just you...

...Election Day brought Animal Icons, a fascinating diversion that contemplated the GOP and Democratic symbols (do donkeys and elephants really get along...

...And I sneered a little during Sonya's heart-to-heart with the gangly show dog (his finicky appetite, she found, was related to competitive angst...

...They are endlessly curious about their environment, and they can't marvel enough about the biological idiosyncrasies of their fellow creatures, insects included...

...As someone whose idea of fine dining is deep-dish pizza, I am perhaps not the ideal Food Network viewer...

...Now you can...

...Shortly after watching a jovial chef whip up a Mexican sundae (cayenne pepper in the caramel sauce), I decided to cut my losses...

...These are not your average cutlets...

...By contrast, people on Animal Planet are loyal and selfless- they trek across deserts to take their dog to a vet, or work in conservation, or become police officers who rescue abused pets...

...And then I knew that cable TV had taught me a lesson: I am a sucker...

...Conversely, if peo-ple's daily habits train them to feel detached from other citizens, they will be less likely to recognize the concept that gives its name to this magazine: the commonweal...

...And by the way, this is a proposal that my cat endorses...

...While my tart is cooling, we're going to make our tangerine sorbet...

...Pop-culture touchstones allow individuals to bond in ways that help them transcend demographic and ideological differences...

...Admittedly, I stayed pretty skeptical as Sonya Fitzpatrick, the clairvoyant on the Animal Planet cable channel, conducted her session with the mopey white rabbit (who was glum because his owners had acquired another bunny...

...But the truly notable aspect of Animal Planet is its cheering portrait of the human race...

...Nevertheless, I was stunned by the sluggish pace and monotonous approach of the fare on this channel...

...If Sonya the psychic were here, she would tell you so...

...Gone are the days when the entire population watched three television networks: Now there are Spike TV for men, Oxygen and Lifetime for women, the Game Show Network, the Cartoon Network, CSPAN, Black Entertainment Television, Court TV-even an all-golf channel...

...In a parallel trend, newspaper readership is declining, and the cyber-sawy can custom tailor Web sites that deliver just the kind of news they're interested in...

...Animal Planet, in striking contrast to its cable sibling, appears to be programmed by executives with ingenuity and a sense of humor...

...and relayed fascinating trivia, like the fact that the Prohibitionist Party adopted the camel as its mascot...

...AM and FM radio may be increasingly homogenous, but now there's satellite radio, which offers niche channels devoted to the pop music of specific decades or genres...

...And they have hope and faith, the sine qua non for communicating with dead Dalmatians...

...Editing flair is also in evidence: the documentaries sometimes excerpt footage from black-and-white movies or classic cartoons to emphasize a theme or to make a visual pun...

...Now I'm going to put a little more oil on my grill pan...

...Originally I tuned in to Animal Planet not for the sake of communing with creatures great and small, but in order to study a disturbing contemporary phenomenon: the splintering of American culture into narrow niches that appeal to limited groups of people...

...This thesis lay at the back of my mind when I resolved to spend a day or so glued to a special-interest cable channel, in hope of better understanding our cultural predicament...

...I made myself a peanut butter sandwich and switched channels...

...People on the Food Network just want to chow down that Mexican sundae, preferably before you get to sneak a bite...

...No, sir...

...That would increase view-ership of Animal Planet programming, and thus inevitably increase the cultural territory that American TV watchers hold in common...

...But when it came to the heartbroken woman who was attempting to communicate with her dead Dalmatian-well, when the psychic started to relay the canine's words of consolation from the Great Beyond, the ex-owner started to cry, and I found, to my horror, that I was tearing up myself...

...A sucker, that is, for Animal Planet, the channel that offers twenty-four-hour-a-day programming about pets, exotic wildlife, and fauna of all kinds...

...My eyes have misted over more than once during shows like Emergency Vets and Adoption Tales, and even less emotionally loaded offerings, like The Crocodile Hunter, have needled through my hardened media-critic shell to the sappy dupe beneath...

...Each hour seemed to offer an absurdly perky cook, stationed in the middle of an impossibly well-equipped kitchen, spinning off inane commentary to fill airtime while ingredients moved from receptacle to receptacle...

...The writing can be inventive: the lead-in to the show The Most Extreme-a rundown of quirky animal traits-alludes to George Orwell ("Some animals are more extreme than others"), and a recent feature on a vet actually called a dog's recovery "a Lhasa Apso ipso facto...