Why There Are No Good Men Left by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead
Sheahen, Laura
Why There Are Me Coed Hen Left The Romantic Plight of the New Single Woman Barbara Dafoe Whitehead Broadway Books, $22.95, 195 pp. Laura Sheahen Kfley, fellas, wanna marry a "conceptually and...
...It could happen, but no one is holding his or her breath...
...Laura Sheahen Kfley, fellas, wanna marry a "conceptually and analytically sophisticated meritocrat...
...In like manner, our own personal spaceships should fly us to the moon...
...The final pages (a skimpy 10 out of 195) of Why There Are No Good Men Left summarize Whitehead's ideas for addressing the crisis...
...I thought not...
...An independent scholar, Whitehead tackled another less-than-ideal social trend in The Divorce Culture (1997), where she scored points with conservatives by arguing that children's happiness takes priority over their parents' self-fulfillment...
...We'd be justified in having little sympathy for snobs who will only accept perfection or who tick off relationship goals on a Palm Pilot...
...In short, Whitehead implies that enlightened parents "brought their daughters to work," and there the daughters stayed...
...Of course, if Whitehead really had the answers, she'd be a millionaire...
...Sprinkled throughout the book are nostalgic references to the card parties and pump-room meetings of Jane Austen novels...
...It should offer social support to women searching for men and should recognize that romance requires leisure...
...That's the gist of social critic Barbara Dafoe White-head's latest book...
...Laura Sheahen is a religion producer for Beliefnet.com.eligion producer for Beliefnet.com...
...Call it a new work of mercy: feed the hungry, visit the imprisoned, set up the single...
...They, however, want to marry you-and quickly...
...Rebecca" nurses her boyfriend through his difficult eye surgery...
...Another perky career gal decides to "incentivize" a Democratic fundraiser by saying she'll donate $100,000 to his party if he introduces her to the man she'll marry...
...Though raised to value independence and selfsufficiency as the highest goal, she may have to seek help from a society that's taught her not to ask for it...
...White-head says today's single women view relationships as a "speculative stock," not a sure thing...
...Not Ready," and bemoans the loveless single who, when checking off items on her list, realized she's "missed a major 'to do' in her life...
...There's more: one high-powered exec has an unattractive penchant for "house training" the man in her life, making sure he fulfills his promise to wash the dishes...
...It should provide "information and referral networks" to help women in the "mate selection" process...
...Men's commitment phobia comes in for the usual drubbing, but oddly enough, Whitehead endorses cohabitation if it's part of a "betrothal process" with the defined goal of marriage...
...One case study lends her boyfriend money, seeing in it an "investment in a future husband...
...One TV producer stays with an emotionally supportive but often out-of-work carpenter for five years...
...Without taking an overt moral stand, Whitehead obliquely condemns cohabitation, mainly on the ground it wastes valuable time while offering none of the protections of marriage...
...And perhaps there's value in the idea of reengineering old social customs to introduce greater numbers of eligible singles to each other...
...In the end, Whitehead's message is: Don't assume that just be cause "today's single woman" has her career and finances well in hand, she has her love life under control...
...In the past, society was structured around the expectation that women would marry in their early twenties...
...Living together is a great deal for a guy," but leaves a woman vulnerable to misunderstandings-especially when she sees the arrangement as a precursor to marriage, and he doesn't...
...On the other hand, baffled mothers and aunts who grew up in the age of "Mrs...
...For them, perusing Whitehead's book is rather like reading a treatise proving the sky is blue: there are no surprises, but if s mildly validating...
...Whitehead focuses on what she sees as a primary obstacle to lasting love: cohabitation...
...Note to publishers: Busy single women don't need to read about the problem...
...The chief problem, Whitehead maintains, is the tension between the "courtship system" of yesteryear and the "relationships system" of today...
...Whitehead hardly breaks new ground when she says that courtship rituals should change to meet modern women's needs...
...Today, relationships and society as a whole are far more fluid...
...Right...
...Nevertheless, in a chapter titled "When Love Becomes the Third Shift," she admits that such methods can reduce dating to another form of work...
...The thesis of Why There Are No Good Men Left is less controversial, but does question the wisdom (and fate) of a society that idolizes individualism...
...it supported this goal in myriad ways...
...They want books with solutions, however loopy the solutions may be: witness the success of The Rules, the best-selling guide to how to catch a man...
...Whitehead analyzes the "contemporary crisis in dating and mating" among well-educated, financially secure thirtysomething women who have done a "brilliant job of finding themselves" but are having trouble finding Mr...
...Finding a man in this environment, says Whitehead, is a "do-it-yourself project...
...The ideal system should fit women's new timetable (education and career in her twenties, marriage in her thirties...
...She remarks on "creative ideas" like the Promise Ring, a "pre-engagement" token given by a man who "sees a future" with his beloved but finds that "the time is simply not right to take to the bended knee...
...White-head warns against the "time trap" of dating "Mr...
...Peel off Whitehead's editorializing, and some perfectly nice women emerge...
...On the other hand, looking over the literature of centuries, when has it ever been anything other than hard work for women to find suitable life partners...
...There are no particular timetables or expectations, especially where commitment is concerned...
...The substance of Why will be all too familiar to many women in their thirties: In the drive to earn degrees, build careers, and establish financial security, today's women waited too long for love, and are now on the fast track to spin-sterhood...
...Others make concessions and compromises to further their relationships, and don't demand that the men in their lives bow to their careers...
...Whitehead sees other hopeful signs, like Internet dating sites, high-tech matchmaking agencies, and speed dating (in which couples meet for ten minutes in coffee bars and then fill out scorecards to determine whether they'll see each other again...
...So, are the "meritocratic" women in question too career-obsessed, controlling, or picky to attract or keep men...
...Are they applying inappropriate business paradigms to romantic relationships...
...Many women who have a courtship-era goal- marriage-are struggling to achieve it in an unfriendly "relationships" system that isn't designed to help them...
...Drawing on interviews, demographic studies, focus groups, and popular culture, Whitehead paints a picture of today's high-achieving lonely heart: a woman who can both bring home the prosciutto and fry it up in a pan, but seems unable to find a man...
...Some of the book's terminology may lead us to believe they are...
...But just when we're ready to write these women off, closer reading reveals that they're not necessarily hyperachieving harpies...
...degrees at college-and who now wonder why Susie hasn't settled down-may find an explanation here...
Vol. 130 • July 2003 • No. 13
