With Tears That Heal
Moore, Donald
WITH TEARS THAT HEAL Giving thanks at the end of life Donald Moore erminally ill patients in Oregon have begun to exercise their option for physician-assisted suicide. Pressure mounts to make...
...We prayed together for healing and understanding, for strength and patience, and for maintaining a sense of humor which had always been so much a part of our friendship...
...His was a strong faith, and he prayed often...
...Martina later told me: "The kids said they were exhausted from crying, but they're so grateful for the opportunity the Mass gave them...
...This could have happened twenty years ago, and it would have been so much harder...
...On this somber note we began our preparations for the liturgy, reminding ourselves why we had come together: to worship God, to thank God for giving us so much, and to celebrate life, in particular the gift and blessing of Joe's life...
...For some it was an occasion to tell Joe, perhaps for the first time, how much they loved him, how much he had given them...
...Joe was seated in a comfortable chair, his legs wrapped in a blanket...
...Keeping in touch on a regular basis over the following months, we set a date for the family Mass...
...I hesitated, but it was something Joe wanted to share...
...If the strength and vitality of the universal church depends on the strength and vitality of the domestic church, then here in this unique family gathering was one rousing affirmation of the health of the church universal...
...Yet one aspect of this defense is rarely heard: a terminal illness within the family need not be viewed only in negative terms...
...And, although I know that the children will be at a loss for not knowing you personally, you will forever be a part of their lives...
...John Paul II recently referred to this ecclesial dimension of the family as "a decisive pillar of the church's pastoral work...
...Most of what happened in this family was never centered around you, Dad, and yet most of it was impossible without you...
...Most of us fail to acknowledge that as a family we should approach dying as we approach birthing...
...The award provides the gift of 'living' water to people whose source of water is either acutely limited or non-existent...
...It was a life that was drawing to a close, a gift and blessing that was almost complete...
...Such an illness might also be considered a blessing...
...One way to manifest this blessing is by the type of liturgy celebrated in the Parauda family: by gathering the "domestic church" to celebrate and prepare for dying in the family, for the final passage from family on earth to family in the Communion of Saints...
...I have been gifted all along...
...Doris Donnelly, Director THE CARDINAL SUENENS PROGRAM IN THEOLOGY AND CHURCH LIFE JOHN CARROLL UNIVERSITY UNIVERSITY HEIGHTS, OHIO 44118 Commonweal 2 7" September 11, 1998 note sent by his daughterin-law, Christine...
...With her opening, "Dearest Dad," she conveyed so simply her love, her gratitude, her admiration, and then concluded: "Personally, you have always welcomed me and made me a part of the family...
...These have been the best years, so much better than I could have expected...
...The recent Synod of Bishops for the Americas refers to the family as a place "where one learns to love God and neighbor...
...The family constitutes within the confines of the home a specific ecclesial reality...
...I am sad knowing how we will miss you, how the children will miss so much, and how many get-togethers will be so difficult, but again we have been very blessed...
...The liturgical celebration was followed by a relaxing and festive dinner...
...Not long afterwards I was able to meet with them in their New York City apartment...
...The mood was serious, somber, yet somewhat festive...
...Dad was kind of like the ground we walked on...
...I don't think I've ever said this before...
...Funding for water wells has been provided for the people in the Meguet region of Burkina Faso, West Africa...
...Within two weeks he died quietly at home, with Martina at his side...
...I'm proud of all of you...
...Pressure mounts to make this same option available in other states...
...When I finished reading, I understood the reasons for Joe's earlier tears...
...I sat with Joe, and he insisted that I read the The Cardinal 5uenens Tror 1998 "Water .3ward ~onor$ Gadfried Cardinal Danneels of elaium Father Edward Glyrm, S. J., acting president o f John Carroll University, presents the 1998 Living Water Award to Cardinal Danneels...
...This liturgy proved to be a deeply meaningful celebration of the church and family, of the Christian mystery of dying and rising, and also a vehicle for expressing sorrow and joy, impending loss and deep faith...
...They responded positively to the suggestion of celebrating the Eucharist together with all the family, and we determined that we should do it while Joe would still be able to participate fully...
...And I thank you for having me as part of your family--your legacy will live on...
...During the shared homily each of the family had the opportunity to mention a particular aspect of that blessing which Joe had represented for them all...
...Others concluded along simCommonweal 2 6 September 11, 1998 ilar lines: "I hope Dad gets well, but whatever time we have with him, I know I'll appreciate it more and more...
...He recalled how fortunate he was that every major step in his life had gone so well, above all his marriage and his family...
...I love you, Dad...
...Finally, we prayed that this terminal cancer might somehow become a blessing for Joe and Martina, for their two daughters and six sons and their grandchildren, a blessing for all of us...
...You've got to accept what's given to you...
...Dad, I just want to tell you how much you mean to me...
...Several months ago I received a phone call from a couple whom I've known for many years...
...The gratitude and support expressed at this family liturgy clearly helped Joe to move in the direction of that complete selfsurrender which is Christian death...
...We don't hesitate to talk about someone expecting a new baby, but we find it ever so difficult to talk about (or to) someone who is expecting to die...
...I'm not bitter...
...Prior recipients of The Cardinal Suenens Living Water Award in 1996 were Joseph Cardinal Bemardin and Mother Teresa of Calcutta...
...The church continues to argue vigorously in defense of the sacredness of life...
...I really do rejoice in knowing you...
...What's happening to me now forces me to go back and think of many things...
...Another son added: "I think that more than anything we're lucky that even this occasion can be a celebration...
...I don't feel I have the right to feel overwhelmingly sad...
...Martina Grady Parauda called to tell me that a doctor had informed her husband, Joe, that he had inoperable liver cancer...
...I have loved sharing in this family...
...I'm so thankful for this wonderful family, for my daughters-in-law and son-in-law, for all my friends...
...Please fax us at 216-397-1771...
...The diagnosis had been a shattering blow, but Joe was able to reconcile himself with the reality of his situation...
...Then Joe made his own response...
...He spoke simply about his early years and the importance of the faith and religion in which his life was so firmly rooted...
...But when I pray," he added, somewhat questioningly, "the only thing that comes through to me is 'God loves you.'" This was a gracious sign of events to come...
...n n the midst of this interchange with all its pain, its humor, its serenity, the family bonds that Joe and Martina had nourished for nearly forty years of married life were clearly evident...
...He was not in much physical pain, simply annoyed by the weakness and fatigue and loss of appetite...
...Their son, Tom, gave Joe a note of regret from his wife Donald Moore, S.J., professor of theology at Fordham University, teaches courses on death and dying on the graduate and undergraduate level...
...Martina noticed a marked change in Joe after this family liturgy--a sense of fulfillment, of peace, a willingness to let go...
...I'm grateful to all...
...Here was the quintessence of what Vatican II called "the domestic church...
...A terminal illness may indeed be a blessing...
...The Cardinal Suenens Program invites nominees for the Living Water Award for the year 2000...
...Father and family had grieved together...
...Death is as much a family event as is birth...
...who was at home with a sick child...
...The whole family participated in laying their hands on Joe, a gesture that easily led to a tearful embrace, each one expressing to Joe all that he had meant to them personally and as a family, and promising to be with him until the end...
...In their names funding for irrigation systems was provided in Tanzania...
...for several months Joe had been extremely tired and his appetite had sharply declined...
...And he spoke with gratitude of his life's work, the law firm with which he had been associated for over thirty-five years, the relationships his work had brought into his life, and the friendships that had been his since his undergraduate days at Fordham University...
...As he read her words quietly, Joe stopped several times to wipe tears from his eyes...
...We've never done this as a family--to express our emotional ties, to speak of our love for one another, to tell Dad how much we love him...
...Commonweal 2 8 September 11, 1998...
...I love you, Dad...
...This reticence easily feeds the fears of those who cry out for physician-assisted suicide...
...This award is made every second year and honors women and men whose life and work reflects the spirit of the Second Vatican Council...
...And now this family, this domestic church, was gathered to show their love and support for their dying father...
...I wish I could pass it off, but that isn't the way it is...
...When I arrived at their home, most of the family had already gathered...
...Believe me, I wish it didn't happen to me...
...If this is what's going to happen, I've adjusted...
...Each of his children "was a continuing gift, the kids have been wonderful, and so supportive now...
...The diagnosis confirmed their worst fears...
...I have no regrets...
...Or write to: Prof...
...E-mail to SUENENS@JCU.EDU...
...Shortly thereafter we said our good-byes...
...After Communion we had an anointing for Joe and a laying on of hands, a traditional symbol of healing meant not only for Joe but for all of us, that our own lives might be healed and turned more deeply to God...
...The doctors told him that he could probably count on four to six months...
...I don't know what the hereafter is like, and I'm not rushing to find out, but I am very grateful...
Vol. 125 • September 1998 • No. 15
