'You will die this week'
Gaynor, Ellen
'YOU WILL DIE THIS WEEK' Ellen Gaynor I had the great privilege this past year of being Cardinal Joseph Bernardin's oncolo- gist. I found early on that I was strongly drawn to him. Why? Perhaps it...
...Because not only did he want to know, but he immediately comprehended what I was talking about...
...I am processing what you have told me...
...Are you okay with this...
...Before he started using it, I didn't realize that it was a "red pill...
...d our God...
...He said to me, "Ellen, may I share something with you...
...In early October, he had another MRI which showed disease progression, and I told him that his life expectancy was considerably less...
...Gaynor, guess who wrote to me...
...He called me that evening and said, "This has been a hard day...
...One night, shortly before he died, I asked him to take two of the red pills at bedtime...
...But this was more than just a letter from the cardinal...
...As a physician, it annoys me when patients refer to medications not by name, but by size, shape, or color...
...But there was something more, his honesty, his courage, his great faith...
...Cardinal Bernardin knew the name and dosage of every drug he took, yet he frequently referred to them by size or color...
...My only thought was to move him as quickly as possible into an examining room...
...He would delight in calling me before a trip to tell me he had packed all of his pills into just one extra suitcase...
...Cardinal Bernardin had a special ministry to the sick during the last year of his life...
...But there was something more...
...But he informed me, and in all subsequent conversations we referred to it as the "red pill...
...As we moved through October, it became clear that his strength was deteriorating rapidly, and on the day he announced he was turning over the responsibilities of running the archdiocese, I said to him, "You are on November 1 where you thought you would be on January 1." He replied simply that he knew...
...When I saw Cardinal Bernardin on the Friday before his death, I told him he would die before Christmas...
...I promised I would tell him when he was very close to death, and when I saw him three days later, there had been a very rapid deterioration...
...this was a letter from a soulmate, a friend who understood what the patient was going through...
...I said to him, "You are very close- you will die this week...
...it has to be nurtured over a lifetime...
...His second was, "Now I will have the chance to put into practice what I have been telling patients all year-death is my friend...
...I have been on a very difficult journey the past seventeen months, but now I understand who this man Bernardin was and why I was so drawn to him...
...In the several weeks before his death, he took Benadryl...
...When he asked how long he had to live, I told him a year or less...
...Benadryl also comes as a blue pill, and my new supply is blue...
...Like many patients, he did not like taking medicine...
...I recall one occasion when he came because the pain in his back had become excruciating...
...Perhaps it was his kindness, his gentleness...
...On each of his visits to the Loyola Cancer Center, I would meet him at the door, and frequently thought, "I know exactly how the disciples of Jesus must have felt as they tried to control the crowds...
...There were many times when it was so hard to honor his request...
...He assumed that he would be able to work through December...
...But I want you to know that I am all right...
...The only thing he asked of me was that I be honest with him...
...To which he replied, "If it must be...I am ready...
...I cannot tell you how often a patient would say to me, "Dr...
...When I told him his cancer had recurred, his first statement was, "This changes everything...
...as he or she gave me an envelope whose letterhead had become very familiar, the Office of the Archbishop of Chicago...
...Yes, I was drawn to this man because of his sharp mind and his quick wit...
...In speaking to the priests of the archdiocese last year, the cardinal had said, "Men and women everywhere have a deep desire to come in contact with the transcendent...
...Yes, I was drawn to the man because of his kindness and gentleness, but there was something more, his sharp mind, his subtle humor...
...And I learned early on that I could get away with nothing-his questions struck like an arrow at the heart of whatever issue was on the table...
...That's what ordinary people want...
...This was a man who actually put on Christ in his own life...
...Many times I would find myself engaged in a detailed conversation about such topics as osteoporosis or spinal stenosis, and I would say to myself, "Why am I telling him all this...
...The patients at the center flocked to the cardinal, and to each he would say, "It's so good to see you, I will pray for you...
...His only thought seemed to be to greet the many people who stopped him as we walked down the corridor...
...I stand in awe: Inner peace such as Cardinal Bernardin displayed does not just happen...
...He said simply, "I am ready...
...On August 29, he had what we thought would be a routine MRI to document that his cancer was in remission...
...In this man, Bernardin, we experienced the transcendent-we experienced our God...
Vol. 123 • December 1996 • No. 22
