Growing gray with grace

...The cultural ideas and prejudices we inherit are also important I've been struggling with ageism, both professionally and personally, ever since I finally admitted that I, like Socrates, am mortal and will inevitably get old A nice young man actually got up and gave me his seat on the subway the other evening (in New York'), so I know I've got to speed along with the agmg-gracefully program...

...Obviously aging women have been better prepared for enjoying receptivity than men raised in the macho male cult of "executive will...

...If one can face the reality of death, illness, and pain without crumbling, then "consciousness can be bliss " Suffering may he ahead, but suffenng does not have the final word, nor is it meaningless...

...Old soldiers and other movers and shakers who have commanded the troops do not fade away easily...

...I hate being around a bunch of old people," said one lively minded lady of eighty-plus over dinner She was contesting my account of research showing that old people are happy in "age dense" settings...

...even some old people themselves have internalized the general distaste for the elderly...

...Well, not many in our aging population are going to be happy unless we change those things that make it so difficult to grow old in America And I don't just mean addressing the economic problems of poverty or inadequate healthcare provisions that plague so many elderly people...

...In our ever-aging society, how will I get along with my children in the retirement home...

...Canes, I've observed, work well with elegant black pantsuits a la Marlene or with orange-purple gypsy costumes and jingling earrings The final spirited defense against old age is the hardest to reach—freedom from fear...

...Women, however, may suffer more confronting an aging body because our society equates feminine beauty with youthfulness, even with waiflike pubescence In the beauty business, ripeness is not all The best way to fight back is to cultivate a sense of one's own bodily being as subject rather than as an object on view for potential admirers and consumers So take up tai chi, yoga, and hula lessons Don't look in mirrors or go near cosmetic counters On the other hand, liberated older women can happily cultivate idiosyncratic dress and jewelry as a form of joyful expression...

...Loving attention to and enjoyment of the 11 wonders of the world also serve to further negative entropy Every living nanosecond need not be spent struggling to control the action center stage Time comes to relax, let go, adore, it's all nght to rest...

...Pushing on to ever-expanding future goals is a youthful ideal It must go Back to the mystics and their focus on "the sacrament of the present moment," or their consciousness of God's "eternal present" Only grace can liberate us from the bitter bondage of time After all, the past one has already lived is eternally real, and it can't be taken from you Then there's the enslavement to the work ethic...

...The inner devils of fear and ageism can only be driven out by a change of heart and an infusion of grace and courage ? 12...

...The theory is that old people who live together can enjoy the siblinghke bonds of equality available to those sharing a generation But no, my dinner partner likes to get away to be with young people (those in their sixties9) as often as possible My mother, by contrast, is flourishing in this group of retired Army-Navy officers and widows, because she is more socially active than ever before So much for the "disengagement theory" of aging Old people who stay flexible, curious, active, and altruistically involved with others have better lives...

...Mommy heads the Protestant chapel committee, paints, attends a dizzying round of functions, constantly looks out for her friends, and regularly goes over to the nursing wing to help out with the old people over there Here, as all over America, people regularly hit their nineties and celebrate their hundredth birthday There's even a centenarian (retired general's widow) whose son (a retired naval captain) also lives in the residence Now that's something to think about...

...OF SEVERAL HINDS Sidney Callghan GROWING GRAY WITH GRACE THE BEST IS YET TO BE A happy birthday visit with my eighty-oneyear-old mother in her retirement home was an occasion for another confrontation with ageism I'm teaching a course this semester on "aging and mental health," so my classroom analysis of irrational prejudices and stereotypes concerning old people was supplemented by a bit of fieldwork Yes, I own up to residual ageism, and so do my students...

...My approach, not surprisingly, centers on the spiritual development that I judge to be needful As I look at the old people I know (seventy to eighty-plus), the ones I want to emulate are those living by those religious truths all too easily overlooked during frantic youth or mindless middle age When your time on earth is almost over you must overcome America's obsession with time viewed only as the future...

...As we age and weaken we must realize that achievement of more and more productivity isn't the end-all and be-all Contemplation as an appreciative member of the audience has its own value...

...Pain can usually be relieved, thank God, with new medical interventions and sophisticated psychological techniques, but illness, loss, and death remain Accepting and suffering the endgame worthily constitutes the last great challenge of life Now we see what's at the bottom of the pot, as Montaigne remarked Chnstians who recognize the significance of the Cross do not face their struggle alone, and they have the hope that their suffering will be used We don't talk anymore about offering up our pain for the souls in purgatory, but some other expression of this truth must be articulated I love the words of Natan Sharansky, the Russian Jewish dissident persecuted by the KGB, when he descnbes his "mystical feeling of the interconnection of human souls forged in the gloomy prisoncamp world " He came to believe that the brave actions of any one sufferer would benefit all, and "the defeat of any of us had an immediate and painful effect on the others " He continued to suffer bravely for his cause because he was sure that he was influenced by, and would influence, the words and actions of unknown others in "the universal interdependence of souls " If we exist within the interdependence of souls, or the communion of saints, or as the mystical body, then suffenng and loss can be better borne Of course an American old age is not the same as being a persecuted, tortured concentration camp prisoner, but then it's no picnic either...