Return from the wilderness

...The scales could not be balanced...

...In my most recent experiences caring for the elderly, the infirm, and the terminally ill as a public health nurse I never doubted this presence...

...The ultimate vindication was for God to perform...

...The process is slow and sometimes frustrating...

...I thought back on the God of my youth as a child growing up in the Bronx, the God that my mother and my Ursuline and Dominican teachers had assured me would always be with me...

...It's true that this may take time, perhaps years, but aren't these people as deserving of this time and concern as the offender...

...Some have sleep disorders, others are afraid to drive or leave their home, some suffer from anxiety attacks and grief spasms that threaten to overwhelm them like a tidal wave...

...At first I would have answered yes...

...How do I respond to these feelings as a Christian...

...Take care of him, and whatever you spend I will repay you when I come back" (Luke 10:35...

...Does the church offer prayers, retreats, and specially trained counselors for this work or does it only hold out the ideal of forgiveness with no guidance or practical way to attain it...

...While these groups are good and necessary, they become for many the community of nurture and support, and the church community one of secondary importance...

...Thomas could not be returned to us, and as angry as I was, I did not in any way want the destruction of the one who took his life...

...Was God, like the woman of the parable searching for the lost coin, searching for me...

...The President's Task Force on Victims of Crime recognized this failure in ministry to victims of crime...

...This is indeed a noble endeavor, and this Task Force would not seek to discourage it...

...A just sentence would serve as a vindication in the Christian sense, a raising up of Thomas's life as sacred and of value...

...I faced a new dilemma...

...Occasionally someone will ask if I am disappointed not to be doing ministry...

...Looking into the eyes of the poorest of the poor, I had come to realize that the world was incapable of justice and that our attempts were so inadequate...

...It calls for a commitment of time and talent to the healing of victims of crime...

...I have experienced the strain the criminal justice system places upon victims and the depersonalization of it that frequently results in a second victimization...

...The work demanded a great deal of time...

...The Good Samaritan-a model for this ministry-was not satisfied to just bind up the wounds but initiated a plan for a continuing ministry...

...I understand the process and the numerous burdens placed on these people, as they try to sift out some reasonable compromises with which they can live...

...Both of us were broken and beyond help...

...but upon further reflection I see what I do as ministry, especially when I am working with victims...

...This translated into my realization that the justice which I desired could not be done...

...The rest I give to God...

...Along with commuting and studying, I had made a commitment to Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) and over the years that commitment grew...

...On what promised to be one of those perfect summer days, my eighteenyear-old- son Thomas, the youngest of our five children, was driving his girlfriend home from a day at the beach...

...At some point, I shared this with a priest friend and he suggested that I make "Humpty Dumpty" my prayer...

...Thomas was killed instantly and Lisa injured...

...The message of the Good Samaritan parable is a message for all, not just a few...

...Here in my work with victims, I meet the lonely and the frightened, those who have become prisoners behind invisible bars, some confined to wheel chairs, others to bed...

...In reality it marked the time when the numbness subsided and I came face to face with the anger and pain that I had previously been unable to face...

...When I would try to think of God or pray the only words that would race through my head were those of the nursery rhyme, "Humpty Dumpty...

...It allows me to pray the prayer of Jesus: "Abba, forgive him, he knew not what he did...

...I have experienced many of these demons and know the devastation that they cause to body and spirit...

...Prayer was impossible...

...It weighed heavily on me and I sought answers in prayer, the Bible, and numerous Christian and secular readings...

...More and more as I look about at the victims of the innumerable crimes that people com- mit against one another I ask: Who helps them deal with the anger that may even be vengeful...

...Perhaps some would argue that this is not forgiveness in the purest, fullest sense...

...Sadly on occasion I find myself with someone who has lost an entire family...

...When I applied I had hoped to utilize my education in chaplaincy work or as a member of a pastoral team...

...As legislative liaison for MADD Connecticut, my trips to the capitol and testimony before committees became more frequent as we pushed for the enactment of numerous laws, hoping that stronger legislation would cause a change in public attitudes and recognition of DWI as a crime that causes unbelievable suffering for the victims...

...It states: "All too often, representatives from religious communities come to court only to comfort, support, and assist the accused...

...I found I was now able to pray for the offender and have continued to do so in the years that followed...

...Now as I reflect on my involvement with MADD, I am reminded of a banner I once made with my children while teaching CCD: "Bloom Where You Are Planted...

...Forgiveness, which had never been a problem for me in the past, was now a stumbling block in my spiritual life...

...It saddens me that the institutional church has fallen short in its ministry to victims, not because of a lack of charity but more from a lack of knowledge of the devastation that criminal victimization produces and the burden that the criminal justice system places on the victim...

...It seemed such a burden to be Christian when I was psychologically more disposed to Old Testament justice...

...Strangely, one early spring day as I prayed my prayer of brokenness I became aware in my mind and heart that the rhyme was true but incomplete...

...Just before the sentencing of the person who had killed Thomas, my husband and I traveled to Haiti...

...In my present efforts, especially as they pertain to victim advocacy and assistance, my religious education and experience are invaluable...

...It was to be a retreat of sorts but also an opportunity to see how the truck purchased with the donations to a fund in Thomas's memory was being utilized...

...At another point it states: "Seminary and in-service training that addresses the victim's needs is as necessary for the minister as it is for the doctor, the lawyer, or the psychologist...

...All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again," but God, who was King, could and would make the difference...

...It serves for me as an imperative to minister to victims...

...Others said nothing and patiently listened to my ravings and expressions of confusion while others distanced themselves from my company or changed the subject...

...The news pushed me off the edge of the earth into a great abyss...

...I had come to the first light in the darkness, the first landmark in the wilderness...

...Anger bordering on rage consumed me...

...However, what we do seek, here as elsewhere, is a balance, a recognition that the victim certainly no less than the victimizer is in need of aid, comfort, and spiritual ministry...

...I felt lost...

...I was confident of a deep and personal relationship with God, perhaps I may even have been proud of it...

...This will open a way out of the wilderness and the vision to see the flowers that bloom there as new worlds are created...

...I had been comforted in times of stress such as the loss of our home to fire and in periods of serious illness...

...I understand the pain, anger, and alienation experienced at the sudden violent death of a loved one at the hands of another...

...It was not an act of vengeance...

...As I see it, this is where the church should be...

...That excruciatingly painful event initiated what I have come to call my "wilderness experience," a crisis situation that produced challenge, temptation, and a redefinition of my identity in relation to God and others...

...As the school children ran to greet the truck and entertained us with their songs, I became for a brief moment in touch with another suffering that was the result of injustice...

...With Jesus I had been led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil...

...New and unfamiliar feelings welled up in me...

...I had to let go, and in the letting go a strange and new thing happened...

...It described me...

...The church's commitment to this ministry will allow victims of crime to experience, as Jesus did, the ministrations of angels and spiritual healing...

...Now when I so desperately needed that assurance and presence, God seemed absent...

...Yet, it seems that for the most part victims of crime are left to find their way and work out their grief and anger in secular support groups like MADD, Parents of Murdered Children, Survivors of Homicide, and rape, incest and battered women support groups, with little spiritual guidance, except the appearance of a clergyperson for a memorial service...

...As we rode over the rocky roads bringing medical and food supplies to a remote region in the mountains outside of Port-au-Prince, I wished with all my heart that I was somewhere else, not riding a truck purchased at so great a price...

...In this beautiful and poorest of lands, I was blessed with an insight which brought me to another level on my journey...

...Nothing was familiar, there were no landmarks to guide me, no previous experience to which I could relate...

...I felt isolated and abandoned by God...

...it described Thomas...

...In acknowledging my anger as just, I became aware and comfortable with the fact that punishment of the offender was essential...

...At four in the afternoon a repeat offending drunk driver crashed through the door of Thomas's car and our lives...

...All of these people are traumatized to varying degrees...

...I had experienced the presence of this God in my later years as a nurse, and as a Navy wife traveling about the country, frequently uprooted but never alone...

...This helps offenders to understand better the enormous consequences of a crime which often involves a stranger and is frequently not remembered...

...Although we are never excused from trying to create a more just world, I realized that only God could bring perfect justice...

...Friends spoke to me of how strong I was and how fortunate I was to have my faith...

...One year after Thomas's death, I entered Yale Divinity School, to which I had already been accepted...

...I base my answer on the parable of the Good Samaritan, which is the story of a victim of a crime, the failure of two to care, and the ministry of one who did...

...I could not even bring myself to cry out, "Here I am...

...I do not become offended or feel I must be a defense attorney for God and Christian virtue when people express outrage and anger at God or the perpetrator...

...But it is the best that I can do at this time...

...This was what the Resurrection was about, this was the promise...

...Both were to return to our home later for supper and a video movie...

...Parents and spouses whose lives are turned upside down trying to care for a child or spouse with spinal cord or traumatic brain injury...

...The report urges church communities to become involved so that the spiritual wounds may be healed as well as the physical and psychological injury...

...Some were quick to admonish that I forgive...

...I understand the unfocused and sometimes irrational anger toward everyone, the offender, the system, themselves, and especially a society that remains so complacent and so reluctant to change and see this killing for what it truly is...

...I did and it became my lament...

...I had not despaired and I was not alone...

...I was embarrassed to confess that I was weak, confused, angry, and doubting...

...It was months after Thomas's death before I fully realized that the criminal action of another had killed him...

...I am not put off by statements desiring vengeance...

...I am able to bring a different perspective to the work of victim assistance regardless of the religious denomination of the person...

...In a new effort to reduce recidivism, victims-including those who have lost children, spouses, and siblings-are addressing offenders in a nonaccusato-ry manner, telling the stories of what drunk driving has done to their lives...

...In addition to believing that I needed to do something to bring an end to tragedies of this nature, the work served as a natural and positive outlet for my grief...

...But since laws alone cannot change public attitudes, I and other members of MADD often speak in schools, before civic groups and senior citizens organizations...

...Others are secondary survivors whose child, spouse, brother, sister, or parent were killed...

...As with other crimes such as rape and domestic violence that were at one time tolerated by society, public attitudes toward drunk and impaired driving are also changing...

...I had been led into the wilderness and challenged to bloom there...

...Although this realization was the beginning, it was not an end to the wandering...

...Faster and faster the words would come, one tumbling into the other...