Pining away with Buck and Florence:
Bell, Robert H
Pining away with Buck & Florence
When the old pine tree in my backyard lost a large branch and swayed ominously in the last windstorm. I decided it was sayonara. As much as I enioy seeing moonlight...
...Although it's hard to estimate the height of a tree, this one was clearly tall enough to fall on the house...
...He charges twenty-five dollars" Florence's husband Buck arrived the next morning on a huge Harley-Davidson...
...Florence put on the silver studs...
...That's OK...
...We could tie it and pull it in the opposite direction-maybe if we got three or four guys pulling hard...
...Nearly nauseous with anger and terror, I watched Buck hold a chain saw with one hand and cut off the top thirty feet of the pine...
...Whatever you decide...
...You only die once...
...After we had downed a good bit of Jack Daniels-beer seemed a little ordinary for this day of days-Buck let me try on his leather jacket and listened to my Marlon Brando imitations...
...As Buck was cutting the wedge in the tree it occurred to me that I hadn't asked about insurance...
...Just as I was cutting the wedge, the wind pushed her...
...You insured...
...Buck was stalking around the tree muttering obscenities...
...The roof, the new kitchen windows, and maybe the porch were all in imminent jeopardy...
...I dunno...
...Buck hesitated...
...It's the insurance," he explained...
...Buck looked toward the top of the tree, strapped the chain saw around his neck, and said, "What the hell...
...I said, "you mean it's half-way sawed through, only leaning the wrong way...
...I wondered if Florence, to whom I had always been friendly, would sue me for widow's benefits...
...You like it...
...You wouldn't believe the increase in my premium...
...I .said I thought two hundred bucks was still way out of line Florence, who helps clean the house, chimed in...
...Damn thing...
...Jeez, I'll drop that for nothing...
...Pause...
...Thai's a lot for a little ole pine My husband drops those pines by the dozen out our way...
...My wife, our daughter Kaitlin, and our infant daughter Amanda all watched Buck intently through the window...
...The pine was definitely listing toward my house...
...After inspecting it quickly, Buck said, "That little pine...
...Buck, is that tree going to fall on my house...
...They'll get it down safe and sound...
...But me, I wouldn't want to live that close to a dying tree with two little babies in the house...
...You're kidding...
...You could give me a beer...
...I told her to mind the girls and leave this to the men...
...My wife strongly urged me to let Eager Beaver do it...
...I don't know, sweetheart-why don't you and Mummy play with Amanda in the playroom...
...Pining away with Buck & Florence When the old pine tree in my backyard lost a large branch and swayed ominously in the last windstorm...
...What do you mean, Buck...
...ROBERT H. BELL...
...Buck, what about cutting off the top of the tree, so it can't reach the house...
...Then, quick as a monkey he was shimmying up the pine...
...What are you going to do...
...with a chain saw strapped to his back...
...Buck, I don't want to overstate the case here, but pretty much everything I have on this earth is underneath that tree, and I had faith in your ability to protect us...
...Thanks, but no thanks...
...He even told me about a factory outlet where I can buy a leather jacket, for less than I would have paid Eager Beaver Tree Demolition...
...You get what you pay for," she said...
...I guffawed As I settle into cur-mudgeonhood, guffawing comes more naturally...
...Now whaddwa we got...
...I said I'd get back to him if I changed my mind...
...As much as I enioy seeing moonlight through the pine, it's mainly because it reminds me of Ray Charles singing '"Georgia " Other than that pleasant association, the pines block my view of the mountains, drip sap on my cars, and litter my yard with pine needles The representative from Eager Beaver Tree Demolition offered to cut down the offending and perilous pine lor three hundred dollars...
...I demurred, not too stubbornly...
...There was some kind of male principle at stake here, having to do with his studded jacket...
...See how she's swayin' over the house right now...
...Naw, I wouldn't take anything for cuttin' that pine...
...But the guy had dropped dozens of pines and I didn't want to question his expertise...
...Buck is the kind of guy with whom I ordinarily talk about football, but he doesn't follow football...
...As I was deliberating whether or not to send my wife to the rear of the house - another male principle, called protecting the women-folk-Buck cursed loudly...
...What's he saying, Daddy...
...Uh...
...Next day Eager Beaver called me to offer a no-frills job for two hundred...
...I hope not...
...This very question had already occurred to my wife, who called me over to whisper, "The insurance company says we are covered for acts of God but not for acts of stupidity...
...I'll pick up the branches and put up with the sap...
...Damn thing buckled on me in the wind...
...It crashed to, earth, Buck scampered down, and the whole tree toppled over toward my house one minute after Buck landed...
...That's a great jacket," I said instead...
...Our older daughter Kaitlin refused to go to day-care until she saw the tree fall...
...I could do it for two hundred and fifty...
Vol. 115 • February 1988 • No. 3
