The Bootblack Stand
Plunkitt, George Washington
Bootblack Stand Dear Dr. Plunkitt: As I travel the width and breadth of America seeking the Presidential nomination, I have many encouraging encounters, for instance, when I brought my campaign...
...After the past 16 years, the prospect of having a tree reign as President ought to encourage millions of Americans...
...Tell the voters that no one as crazy as you has ever been elected...
...however, after I started shaking hands and enunciating my proposals laughter broke out in the room, and the owner of the parlor offered me a tempting salary on the basis of my hand-shaking alone...
...If I get the nomination I shall be the first man ever to choose for his running mate a live tree...
...Good luck and fair winds...
...The building seemed to be a state-run Hilton and my articulation of the issues went over so well that the man in charge demanded that I stay...
...Trees have rights too...
...Remind them of Willkie...
...Finally, set their minds at ease by quoting Article II, section 1, paragraph 5 of the Constitution...
...GWP...
...In the unlikely event you were elected, the Congress would duly declare you mentally disabled...
...Plunkitt: As I travel the width and breadth of America seeking the Presidential nomination, I have many encouraging encounters, for instance, when I brought my campaign to Stoppard, New Hampshire...
...Incidentally, how can I refute those vicious charges that to nominate me is to nominate a man who cannot win...
...And the sooner we recognize the dignity and basic humanity of trees, the sooner we will realize the dreams of this nation's Founding Persons...
...Why not...
...In your campaign appeals I suggest that you stress the impossibility of your election...
...I had not brought my swim suit so I could not consider his proposal, but several of my more animated listeners enthusiastically urged that I "get the hell out of here," and directed me to a large stone building where they said that "people talk just like you, big ears...
...While there I developed another advanced idea...
...Smash the State, Fred Harris Dear Mr...
...you're as crazy as me...
...It took my campaignmanager three days to get me out of there, but as we roared off on our motor bikes, still ringing in my ears was the friendly response of one of my roommates who listened to my tax reforms and confided, "Fred...
...Harris: Your supposed weakness is your strongsuit...
...I began in the town's only massage parlor, where absolutely no one had ever heard of me...
...Remind them of how often Bryan tried and failed...
...The very fact that there is absolutely no chance of your ever being President should prove a powerful rationale for voting for you...
...The conscientious citizen can fulfill his obligation to vote, fully aware that there is absolutely no possibility his vote will be held against him .during the next four years...
Vol. 9 • April 1976 • No. 7
