The Bootblack Stand
Plunkitt, George Washington
"The Bootblack Stand" Dr. George Washington Plunkitt, our prize-winning political analyst, is celebrating the publication of his new book, which is now available at avant-garde bookstores throughout New Jersey. Dr....
...Oh boy, what a dastardly deed that was...
...Frankly I do not understand how it is that people have such difficulty believing that you, the President, were ignorant of the Watergate break-in and of the cover up, when it is obvious that you are not even certain who is on your staff, what they are telling the press, or--as you recently made clearmwhere your historical records, your memos and your tapes, are hidden...
...You might even try nude sunbathing...
...Plunkitt expects to earn ten million dollars from sales of his new book, he has agreed to continue to advise public figures through this column...
...Russians would fit the bill nicely, except for the fact that I III I I knows American conservatism needs a no-holdsbarred, knock-down, drag-out critique, but it must be one that shows some sign of its author having read some recent conservative literature and having some understanding of how contemporary American conservatives see themselves . . . . William F. Gavin Arlington, Virginia Morley responds: As all editors know, it is from those pinched by the shoe that anguished outrage always emanates...
...That does stagger me...
...The highways will be clear and clean again...
...Plunkitt's book is about the importance of altruism in politics and it is titled What's in It for Me...
...If you cannot even account for tapes of your own conversations, why should we expect you to account for tapes of other peoples' conversations...
...John Galbraith, Ph.D...
...It is a common indictment of "Liberals" that they find emotional excuses--of degrading environment, underprivilege, or whatnot--for red-handed criminals from our slums: Surely sentimentality is as misplaced when applied to that staunch Conservative Spiro T. Agnew, or others with a White House background...
...Somehow I must recover from this momentary setback with my credibility and my charisma intact...
...Rightwingers lament that things are getting worse...
...Americans read too much junk...
...Watch more television...
...Although Dr...
...Gavin tends to confirm my point that this is not now the case...
...I have had surprising difficulty convincing the public that I, like Mr...
...I fear that Bill Gavin goes far, in quantity and quality, to justify my obiter dicta on the poor prospects of Conservatism as a political force in the United States . . . He is sorry for Mr...
...11, Box 360, Bloomington, Indiana 47401, Continental U.S.A...
...GWP I I I These, of course, are all in the original Constitution...
...Galbraith: This is a matter of education...
...Americans eat entirely too much beef...
...Bebe Rebozo, am a totally honest man...
...Then too they complain about the lack of paper brought on by wage and price controls, strikes, and environmental safeguards...
...Think of the positive side...
...Plunkitt: As you might have heard by now, it has been alleged that I, the President, knew beforehand of the surreptitious entry into the Democratic Headquarters and the ofrices of that splendid public servant, Mr...
...They even say that we are suffering a fuel shortage brought on by price ceilings on fuel oils...
...Gavin asserts that "the word 'revolutionary' simply cannot be applied to any part of the Constitution of the United States...
...Nixon and so, within limits, am I. He thinks the President "has enough real troubles and real faults" without allegations that his tactics have at times resembled some used by the Nazis...
...The air will be ] ] cleaner than it has been during any period since the Ice Age...
...If he will read the document he will find many provisions that were revolutionary, in the sense that they were nonexistent elsewhere at the time of their promulgation: "All bills for raising revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives...
...It is bad for their eyes and worse for their minds...
...But the fact is that this supposed shortage has actually been carefully planned by experts...
...As we sit quietly in our homes we will be able to meditate undisturbed by the sounds of passing automobiles...
...President: Cheer up...
...No title of nobility shall be granted by the United S t a t e s " . . . "The President, Vice-President and all civil officers of the United States shall be removed from office on impeachment for, and conviction of, treason, bribery or other high crimes and misdemeanors" . . . "The trial of all crimes, except in cases of impeachment, shall be by j u r y " . . . "The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a republican form of government" _9 . . "No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States...
...What these ignorants do not realize is that the shortage is all part of a rational plan...
...So I think your best bet is Zaire...
...Why can't we hear what's right with America...
...Cordially, Richard M. Nixon, President Dear Mr...
...And the highways...
...Nonetheless reactionaries still grumble about the benefits of a planned economy like the shortage of beef brought about by wage and price controls...
...He finds it difficult to grasp my meaning when I refer, obliquely, to the clause in the old Anglican prayer book which admonished parishioners "to be content" in the station to which God had called them...
...The citizens of Zaire are flourishing under a planned economy...
...After years of chaos from the free market, America is finally accepting rational planning of the economy...
...We might even get back to the cheery pastime of reading by candlelight if we can find an old newspaper to read, and if the New York Time~ is unavailable we will always be able to get plenty of government printed materials like commission reports from the Department of Labor, many of which are very sprightly written, providing ample heat for the standard family of four when ignited...
...Economist and Sportsman Dear Dr...
...There is nothing I like better than to walk along a really clear and clean highway...
...How can we convince Americans of the bright side of our new economic miracle...
...Felix Morley Gibson Island, Maryland The Alternative January 1974 29...
...Plunkitt: We are forever hearing what's wrong with America...
...GWP Dear Mr...
...Eat health foods...
...It would seem obvious that a successful Conservative movement must be led by people with a fairly complete knowledge of their national history and institutions, thereby knowing what they are working to conserve...
...The Bill of Rights immediately added many, even more revolutionary, provisions...
...This is another example of Americans' pathological obsession with the negative...
...Larry O'Brien...
...I for one believe that things are getting better...
...Get these enlightened nations to send their citizens to the United States to proselytize actively for the planned economy...
...In fact the fuel shortage is almost unheard of there as do1~keys require very little high octane gasoline, or "magic water" as they say over there...
...But if CREEP wasn't trying, successfully, to secure a Ja vote of National Socialist proportions, then what in Heaven's name were all the dirty tricks attempting to achieve...
...Many foreign nations have thrived on planned economies featuring wage and price controls, rationing, and the works...
...I thought that every well-informed Conservative would know about this, but probably should have spelled it out, as iconoclastic Charles Dickens did: Oh let us love our occupations, Bless the Squire and his relations, Live upon our daily rations And always know our proper stations/ It is precisely because most Americans refuse to know their "proper stations" that right-wing Conservatism, though irascible enough, is making such heavy headway in our troubled political waters...
...President Johnson did it, and he was none the worse for the experience...
...Address all correspondence to The Bootblack Stand, c/o The Establishment, R.R...
...You have a touch of the mulligrubs, the migraines, and the spleen...
...No bill of attainder or ex post facto law shall be passed...
...It is further alleged that I knew of the attempts made by certain, now inoperative, White House aides to cover up the aforementioned low deed...
...the citizens of that great union of free and progressive republics fall prey to an odd mental disorder when they are away from home, and refuse to return...
...It is causing heart and gastronomic catastrophes that will eventually kill them...
Vol. 7 • January 1974 • No. 4
