Freshman's Guide to Academic Survival
North, Gary
The Alternative January, 1971 Jobn F. Kennedy college An Unusual College By Lawrence D. Pratt The administration of John F. Kennedy College has its back against the wall. What is so unusual...
...Now in most cases, you go to the secretary in the hope of receiving a "yes...
...This was news to me, though 1 had spent over a decade of my life studying and teaching Greek drama...
...The college degree grants a partial monopoly of employment to the bearer, which is why the Ph.D degree is euphemistically referred to as a "union card " Its economic function is identical to a union card: the artificial limitation of a particular labor supply The companies which hire people save themselves a lot of time and energy in investigating the capabilities of a large number of applicants, merely by limiting jobs to degree holders...
...They are like Renaissance knights in a world without crossbows or gunpowder Try to avoid dealing with them, for here is the arrogance of power...
...The University is supposed to weed out candidates for various bureaucratic positions...
...John F. Kennedy tuition is vital if the school is to stay open...
...In such a world, competition is inevitable, the question is how best to make that competition peaceful Only an educated man can maintain a society in which this condition is most closely approximated...
...If he has been here for over three years and has failed to get his dissertation into print, wear your paramilitary gear...
...A Freshman's Guide to Academic Survival By Gary Nortb As for liberals...
...Kristol hopes they received these gifts, as they surely were in need of them...
...The University's most important operational principle, like that of any bureaucracy, is self-perpetuation...
...The only justifications for T A.'s are the following: 1) they keep students out of professors' hair...
...Yes, they're right...
...They do for administrators what the University does for corporations, namely, weed out applicants Bureaucratic rules are like pie crusts (paraphrasing Lenin), made to be broken, but only by administrators...
...Teaching Assistants Everyone has an opinion about T. A.'s...
...If you can't think rigorously enough to be a philosopher or a scientist, and if you can't read fast enough to go through enormous piles of books (eliminating yourself, English and literature), you can major in history...
...Find them and take their courses to satisfy your academic breadth requirements...
...Your T A., who is in variably lecherous unless a newlywed, will notice your absence...
...What is so unusual about that these days' Simply that not only do the students not have the President's office under siege, they are doing their level best to keep this small liberal arts college running...
...Phyllis, pendulant ("and then we rot and rot...
...Librarians There is no way, no way, no way Vanity, vanity, all is vanity, saith the preacher...
...Now, it cold be argued that most other universitities have a central point of view, but it has to be admitted that that view, is radically existentialist, nihilist, irrational--in fact, if not spelled out in the handbook...
...But if I would leave my phone number with them .. . Early next morning, Dr...
...You may also marry Raquel Welch's look-alike cousin, too Don't count on either...
...If you can't write clearly enough to survive in history, there's a place for you in sociology...
...Certain men in each department are pushovers...
...Ask him about some vague, general problem related to his field...
...Join the library staff, if you want to get the rewards You join this system, you cannot beat it...
...Kronhausen male (Eberhard) and Dr...
...Keep this in mind When a secretary says no, your best court of appeal is a dean When you dress for an appointment with a dean, it is best to wear an ironed suit, white shirt and tie...
...Among other things, this means that he will recognize the necessary interrelations between the omnipotent God of the Judeo-Christian faith and the unprecedented and unparalleled political freedom of Western societies A student with a true education will appreciate the contribution to the preservation of this heritage made by America Such a student will understand the theoretical underpinnings of the free market and see the connections between the unequalled productivity of this system and the political and social freedom of limited, constitutional government...
...Get behind here, and it's all over...
...When the symposium ended, I went up to ask what Greek plays had been filmed...
...When you get your "no," go back to the catalogue and look for a loophole...
...Lesbians present objected that boy actors had exposed their genitals, while girls stripped only to the waist...
...Richard Nixon - a success...
...It's either super-Establishment or superMarcusist, middle ground is impotent...
...Most people are wrong...
...so they don't have to prove they know anything to anyone...
...The sophisticated student may have already sensed the contradictory nature of the two goals of the University One, selfperpetuation, is based on the ability of the system to turn out "qualified" graduates over long periods of time, this means that the school must produce graduates (i.e., people must actually stay here long enough to graduate...
...There is no goal so large, no obstacle so great, that it cannot be sacrificed to achieve institutional permanence...
...This unusual drama is being played out on the rolling Nebraska countryside in the little town of Wahoo...
...Some of them, I have been told, do like students (unlike all librarians...
...He was a nice Southern boy trying to be Tennessee Williams on the gifts of a valentine versifier...
...Phyllis was lyrical about her thousand current projects -e.g., the great movie she was making...
...Eberhard exulted that the evening had been a return to the high days of the classical Greek theater, when plays were acted in the nude...
...An education is expected to produce more than a technician There are plenty of institutes to train technicians, but there are few colleges where a person can get a true education...
...I said Hefner did not share some of her enthusiasms --e.g., for homosexuality...
...Keep this in mind at all times: you are expendable, the system is not Externally and officially, the function of the University is the one described half a century ago by the great German sociologist, Max Weber...
...A true education produces men who not only want to work within the system, but who realize why the system is worth working within The John F Kennedy College aspires to offer that kind of education...
...They conducted the discussion with a zombie-like ascetic air of humorlessness...
...this will let him think you care about his opinion (which will impress him), and it may also let him think you have other alternatives and you might leave, thus making the campus smaller The alternative to a suit is to make your request in paramilitary gear, that may let him think you have power...
...They would be glad to tell me what plays they had filmed, but -- um-- they couldn't, at the moment, remember...
...The K's were in a hurry, and tried 'o mumble their way by me - but when T pulled out a press card, their cardboard faces became serene with helpfulness...
...But the students have been actively involved in "doing their thing" to try to alleviate the financial crisis facing the college...
...You can talk with upperclassmen in search of an out You may even get help from your advisor, or, better yet, from your advisor's secretary There is no better aid in your war against one secretary than support from another...
...The inspiration for the college's First of all, freshmen must realize that the University is a bureaucracy...
...Simple...
...in class, remember the words of King Solomon: "A prudent man concealeth knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness...
...They are doctored carney barkers and P-R specialists who get in front of any large crowd they can find...
...When in doubt, say no...
...some success any success Spiro T Agnew - a few weeks of obscurity John McCormack - an increase in Social Security benefits Chet Huntley - three tons of horse manure for his boots Charles Reich - the greening of America America - the greening of Charles Reich Jacob Javits - James Buckley New York City - the abdication of John Lindsay Richard Roudebush - a six-pack of beer and perpetual oblivion Vance Hartke - the prospect of another opponent like Richard Roudebush J W Fulbright - the New York Times "Man of the Year Award" for his courageous and consistent stand against non-whites in South Vietnam and nonwhites in the South Irrelevant things - a comeback Presidential commissions - extinction The intellectual community - all the common sense, decency, and humility it presently lacks (this is probably the biggest gift of all) assemblage, presided over by the K's, spidery in their tight black clothes and white, lifeless faces (which seemed almost as stark, in this dim theater, as under the protective masks they wore on the platform...
...these are professional rules masters...
...The most impressive endorsement of student support for the college is manifested in their own intensive efforts to recruit other students, where at Kennedy, Great American Series educational philosphy derives from the conviction that an educated man is not simply a walking, fact-filled computer...
...It is especially bad for women students For the women, any difficulty appearing in the anatomy below the neck and above the kneecaps will automatically be regarded as the result of a pregnancy...
...The students evidently believe that Kennedy College will continue, for they themselves have begun the financing of the student union building which they will build themselves--on a pay as you go basis As unusual as is the student body support of the college, even more unusual is the philosophy of education at Kennedy According to this philosophy, knowledge is not dust an endless stream of random dates and pieces of information Instead, knowledge is seen as all related to a central point of view...
...With your survival in mind, I offer a few suggestions for your benefit You must learn how to play off one University goal against the other Remember, you must maintain a C average to graduate Even more importantly for most students, you must maintain a C average to transfer out...
...A true individualism keeps a man from being deceived into confusing his daydreams of living on The Great Candy Mountain with the reality of life in a world of fundamental scarcity...
...Before this quarter is over many of you will appreciate the importance of this fact...
...As for your discussing problems raised by the T.A...
...especially undergraduate students...
...perpetual oblivion The military-industrial complex - a public relations man The F-111 - wings, or anything that will make it fly All "concerned" adults and youth - a bridge over the generation gap (not for Teddy Kennedy's use) Hugh Hefner - a surgical operation Women's Lib - babies Ronald Reagan - student unrest High-minded public servants - low pay The Gay Liberation Front - Puerto Rico Kingman Brewster - a magic wand Leonard Bernstein - Beethoven's Book of Etiquette Eugene McCarthy - U S. Am bassadorship to Tennessee Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis - wrinkles The Defense Department - a grant from the Office of Economic Opportunity Brezhnev and Kosygin - a thirty-second diplomatic parley with the Jewish Defense League Edmund Muskie - four or five hundred I Q points The Alternative -fame, fortune, and a salary increase for the Eastern Bureau chief 0 authentic Greek plays done in the nude...
...At least Mr...
...since they seldomhave any occasion to come into contact with undergraduates Always try to deal with them if possible, especially the ones who are retiring after this year anyway What have they to lose by saying yes" Associate Professors and Assistant Professors are harder to categorize...
...Yes, Playboy has a long way to go...
...On the other hand, the system breaks down if too many applicants for bureaucratic posts are cranked out This is what has happened to education departments in California colleges, there are too many degree holders and too few posts The monopoly returns to the holders fall rapidly as the supply of applicants goes up So the University must also restrict the supply...
...Then there is the diagnosis problem...
...he probably is ready to blow up the system This, of course, has reference to Assistant Professors Associate Professors are really the hard-nosed people in the system They all think that they have mastered the sweeping truths of their field (if not the world), simultaneously...
...Men were upset that the boys had no onstage erections...
...But K. male insisted that he had himself just filmed two The United Nations - Communist China Communist China - the United Nations John Birch Society - tooth decay (due to their principled refusal to use fluoridated water) William Rogers - a handkerchief to cry into whenever the Russians do anything naughty Walter Hickle - an igloo Israel - an ally, any ally The Arabs - civilization, any civilization Idealistic youth - a punch in the mouth Pastimes such as "searching for a better world," "doing one's own thing," "moving to the beat of one's own drum," etc...
...The play was embarrassing, not only because it bared the actors in feigned homosexual rubbings, but because it left the author's talent exiguously naked, unashamed in its banality...
...With a genuine academic freedom and balanced curricula, it is the hope of Kennedy College that the student will be able to get a true education...
...A teaching assistant is to a professor what a secretary is for a dean...
...this will keep students out of one's office, thus making available more space for another secretary...
...It gave them a blanched, stricken look, two death masks above black turtleneck sweaters...
...And in his prowlings about the country he has discovered that the following people received these concomitant gifts...
...You can't catch up, the course work is consecutive, unlike the humanities or social sciences...
...This kind of education can only be obtained in a true university...
...Deans also know something else about University rules: these rules are means of weeding out people seeking appointments with deans You see, one creates a rule which a secretary can administer, usually by saying no...
...Kronhausen female (Phyllis), agitators for free sex (and other things) who try to give an academic air to the intercoursefilms circulated by Grove Press...
...you can always find some way out "Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you " Don't ever cut language or math courses your first year...
...Men and "averageto-gargoyle" females may cut at will, although not in the first two weeks or in the last three weeks of any quarter T A.'s forget what goes on in between, as do most of those who bother to attend...
...this is the secretarial equivalent of the Hippocratic Oath...
...I had last seen the K's when sent to an affair of theirs with a magazine article in mind...
...and 2) they increase the size of the particular department's enrollment of graduate students, thus justifying an increase in next year's budget A T.A must be humored, although not as much as a secretary Go in and see your T.A...
...Shirley MacLaine, overblown ("we ripe and ripe," said Shakespeare...
...Hang on every word he says...
...I got only one surprise...
...Kennedy College is not on the federal dole, it has no alumni support since it has been operating only a few years, it has no large endowments, and it is faced with an inherited financial burden that threatens to pull it under...
...The students have not voiced the wellpublicized romanticisms of the irresponsible and immature hippie and New Left types...
...To view the University as anything more than a specialized institution for weeding out candidates for bureaucracies is to see it in terms of secondary goals--creating well-rounded citizens, expanding a body of knowledge which is a task useful in itself, preserving a great tradition of objective scholarship, etc.--that are really peripheral to the overarching task of getting through the system of examinations and obtaining a degree You may get an education in the old, classical sense...
...The women's lib movement has platforms Dr...
...The "plays" were actually skits put together from snippets of late Hellenistic and Empire-period eroticists...
...Next to Evergreen, it is a gradeschool paper" (Evergreen is put out by Grove Press...
...Not even which playwright...
...If you're a math major, take "Math for Economists," then take "Math for Psychologists," and "Statistical Techniques for Sociology " That takes care of your social science requirement...
...0 Porny Vampires Iti Gar% Wills On 9 May, after Kent State, there was a giant anti-war rally in Washington...
...Don't get too specific, a T A is usually only capable of handling vague, general problems, or the problems generated by his latest graduate seminar paper...
...During the most militant speeches, K. male would raise a wispy arm, and wave a gingerly clenched fist...
...K. female kept edging into the circle that got the most attention - which made for three studies in bralessness: Jane Fonda, molded close...
...the secretaries are masters at "looking it up...
...They have already made it, they are probably not good enough to make it anywhere else They have made their peace with the world They tend to be tolerant of students...
...They were the swinging K's - Dr...
...You probably won't find one...
...It was a dreary According to our Eastern Bureau chief, Christmas 1970 was the most joyous Christmas of all...
...Phyllis was on the phone, stumbling through a pretentious press release on the "authentic" performances --which took place in a night club...
...If you know that he has published a lot, you should dress in your suit...
...I could not get off the phone...
...Phyllis will want to edge her way onto...
...They were conducting a tilmed "symposium" on one of New York's nude plays, With the dramatist, actors, and audience participating...
...The farther away from you he is, the less threat you pose--thus, the less danger of letting you do what you want to do The secretary fears making a mistake in the game of "looking it up" by saying yes to a no request...
...p Lawrence Pratt is a practicing ontologist and encounter group mullah of The Moon Mullins Study Group...
...And women's lib people hate Playboy...
...Sign up for one extra course each quarter, then drop the bummer of the bunch before the deadline...
...An elderly couple had smeared white protective lubricant on their faces, to keep out the sun...
...But at least The Christmas Gift List That Was...
...their function ought to be to provide new ideas, and they don't come up with any...
...but don't mind watching rats learn, you will do well in the psychology department There's a place for almost everyone...
...The audience, which arrived in unisexual pairs, badgered him about his experience in the play's subject matter, and Dr...
...A yawn can be the academic kiss of death...
...occasionally (not more than twice a quarter...
...The burden of proof is with the student in these cases Miscellaneous Rules Don't take classes from first-year professors...
...They have not demanded irrelevant courses and phony departments...
...In short, you're in the big league now...
...It was interesting, as I went around the edges of the platform, to see who had made it up there...
...If you don't like learning personally...
...Rules are primarily screening devices...
...The Secretaries These people make most of the decisions which will affect your lives in a first-hand way They run the school, as far as you're concerned These all-important secretaries must either be placated or short-circuited 6 The Alternative January, 1971 There is no middle ground...
...Look around...
...They are an unknown quantity, and the grapevine has not yet classThe Alternative January, 1971 7 ified them They are armed, and should be considered extremely dangerous...
...Above all, don't yawn...
...they have been given tenure...
...Don't take in an exam for upgrading until a week after it has been handed back This will segregate you from the red-hots and the gripers, both of whom are plague to T A.'s He will imagine that you have become concerned with truth, and not just a grade If you are a good-looking girl, do not cut discussion groups...
...Phyllis sniggeringly abetted the questioners...
...the dean fears a riot because of a hasty no...
...Student Health Center Calling this organization the "health" center is comparable to calling the central zone of Vietnam the "de-militarized zone " The best advice I can offer the student in regard to the health center is simple: do not, under any circumstances, get sick If you must, schedule your illness only the hours when doctors are available...
...who invariably despise anyone who dares to fool around with the library's well-ordered bookshelves...
...He will be flattered, since no one else anywhere in the University gives a hoot about what he thinks (understandably...
...The marshals for that affair were more restrained than the formal sponsors of it, and they kept people like Abbie Hoffman off the platform...
...Know your man beforehand...
...Other more familiar student activities, such as car washes and bake sales are undertaken for the sole benefit of the college...
...He won't know how dumb you are unless you tell him Professors Full professors are like college presidents--they are usually harmless...
...In short, a true education leads to the grasp of true individualism--an individualism based on the person whose sovereign is God, not man (or the state, or the environment, etc ) Such an individual 5 plans his own future, and requires the most freedom possible consonant with an order which prevents this fallen creature from preying on his fellow man Such an individualism is a far cry from the "Now" generation's glorification of the complete and total maximization of individual self-gratification...
...Nope, not just now...
...You can't be a four-star general in a one-star outfit," is the dean's guiding principle As a result, you are more likely to get a yes from a dean than from a secretary A dean figures it's no sweat off his brow to say yes, especially the deans higher up the hierarchy...
...Take breadth courses after the freshman year...
...The Kronhausens understood these objections, yet defended the author's courage, genius, and liberalism (all three of which they seemed to treat as synonyms...
...Such demands would be firmly rejected by the administration anyway...
...Students have even gone so far as to refund their own checks received in payment for campus jobs The student body as a whole decided to do without a student yearbook, thereby freeing $6,000 of desperately needed funds This in a time when student governments are financing bus trips to Washington for demonstrations and lobbying...
...Many secretaries, however, resent students as a bunch of young whippersnappers who think they know a lot, but have never had to operate a payroll computer, and who therefore don't know anything about life in the real world As a result, most secretaries see their job as saying "no...
...If you can't be nice to all secretaries, take at least one or two out to lunch per year If you're a girl, ask them about their children once in a while In general, though, good secretaries are like good Indians were for Custer The Deans Deans usually see their job as keeping the system large, and preferably growing fast enough to enable the dean in question to hire another subordinate The more subordinates a dean has, the greater his importance, and the more likely his chances for a promotion...
...Even Hugh Hefner was in it...
...Indeed, Dr...
...No wonder the students want to help build that college, not burn it...
Vol. 4 • January 1971 • No. 3
