FROM THE GUT: Bombs "R" Us
Gutfeld, Greg
f R o M T H e G U T Bombs “R” Us by Greg Gutfeld As your typical red-blooded american male, I am writing this a few days from Christmas, and I haven’t purchased a single gift. Not a pair...
...f R o M T H e G U T Bombs “R” Us by Greg Gutfeld As your typical red-blooded american male, I am writing this a few days from Christmas, and I haven’t purchased a single gift...
...I can understand why—the pockTechnically no one’s a terrorist until he pulls some- etbook holds more immediate impact on you than a thing off...
...When you wear the hat, its lights start blinking...
...I need to get started with my shopping and the only item that really sparks my interest is the new DVD sing-along series depicting the joys of martyrdom...
...Freeze...
...It’s hard to prove a negative, especially when your bank account is in the red...
...Greg Gutfeld, former editor of Maxim (UK), Men’s Health, and Stuff, is host of Red Eye on Fox News...
...Yes, I’m talking about global warming...
...It’s true...
...It’s the bomb...
...And as long as you e e l t r r e p s o i t n o ’ n c g a ues t s d wh a at y t h his n g m t ean t s o fo a r t all r o of i s u s u n is t i th h is: g W ’r t e e s m 6 o p re...
...There’s one song about a sweet young girl vowing to follow in her mom’s footsteps...
...I c i m o n o e t u o a r o m d i r o w e r a s u o t n e c r e 5 really good at… terrorizing...
...I read that the central 6 2 T H e a M e R I c a n s P e c T a T o R f e b R U a R Y 2 0 0 8 G R e G G U T f e L d reason for the mistrial was that the deeds of these homegrown headcases were more “aspirational,” than they were “operational,” meaning they lacked the means but possessed the desire to perform mass destruction...
...The extra money goes to domestic violence shelters and all that stuff other unnecessary taxes go to, instead of the person who really deserves it—that topless single mom dancing in front of you...
...If you’re still unsure what to get little Timmy or Tabitha, this might do the trick...
...But then again, what do I know...
...bomb that hasn’t gone off...
...We live in a world populated by cruder versions of Batman villains, all lacking the style, panache, or extravagant make-up of, say, the Joker, the Penguin, or even Mr...
...But then again, what do I know...
...I imagine, wherever this meeting is held, there’s tea involved and perhaps a crumpet or two...
...Strip clubs, I mean...
...Biscuits, you ask...
...Barney, this ain’t...
...How does the hat know...
...I think not...
...Hmost part, America doesn’t seem to be an h t r o , e s u a e . o i t n e t a i y a p e a w ! e j r us s t t i K ll idding n . g I w t anted n to B m c ake su f re yo y u e - Is our economy a bigger problem than a bunch of psychopaths bent on blowing us up...
...We live in a world, now, where the legality of the desire to take lives and foment mass murder is still up for debate...
...It was my birthday, as you know—and if I didn’t end up flat on my back, my shirt stained with beer and other unrecognizable fluids, then the terrorists would have really won...
...I mean, it’s one thing to kill people but another to express that desire in pernicious propaganda for kids...
...It seems like the perfect stocking stuffer and movie script for the homicidally inclined or folks who think America needs to learn a lesson...
...I hate the thought—and it’s a bad thought—that the only way for our country to realize the threat is still present is for something awful to happen...
...diligence, hard work, and some luck (based on the incompetence of aspirational terrorists), we haven’t had an attack since September 2001...
...The money should be folded neatly and gingerly placed in her garter, instead of going someplace where most of the women aren’t dressed nearly as provocatively...
...I assume they also would loom large in the proceedings...
...I’m obsessed with these new cover charges forced on patrons who attend gentleman’s clubs...
...a terrorist attack...
...I long for that day, because back then we actually worried about terror...
...Is our economy a bigger problem than a bunch of psychopaths bent on blowing us up...
...I think not...
...It turn f s ou t, accord r in e g to a n e ew b Fox N c ews poll, incompetent you’re free to roam, hatching plans to recession—while just 25 percent are worried about blow up libraries and poison salt and pepper shakers...
...And that’s the kind of gift we could all do without...
...But, now, because of our Some folks made speeches, others bought duct tape, and then there was me—who went out and got really drunk...
...Not to sound totally Grinch this Christmas, but that’s a scary lump of coal in my stocking...
...For one, it’s not even purple, or nearly as annoying...
...Not a pair of socks, earrings, or one of those repugnant scented candles from Bed Bath & Beyond...
...It’s something we can all look forward to in the New Year...
...It reminds me of the news a few weeks back that one of seven Miami men accused of attempting to team up with al Qaeda to blow up Chicago’s Sears Tower was acquitted...
...No, mom is not an R&B singer or an astronaut, but that’s our fault— she in fact had just blown herself to bits in a suicide bomb attack...
...So, if you’re like me, you’d rather be happy nothing terrible has happened—and then deal with the consequences by making fun of those people who see this tremendous achievement as a sign no such threat exists...
...But as usual, I digress...
...It’s available only in England, put out by some Egyptian company, targeting Muslim children living in West Yorkshire—located somewhere in England...
...f e b R U a R Y 2 0 0 8 T H e a M e R I c a n s P e c T a T o R 6 3...
...For adversaries like the Susan Sarandons, the Robert Redfords, the George Clooneys, the MoveOn.orgs, and the Sean Penns, the very fact that we haven’t had an attack is proof that the threat of terror doesn’t exist...
...Have you seen it...
...Or rather, just one day: September 12th, 2001...
...And a mistrial was declared for the six other chuckleheads after the jury—made up of your peers, if you happen to be a crow or maybe an opossum—deadlocked...
...We live in a world where terror DVDs are legal, but we are more worried about the price of fennel than the price of freedom...
...Some folks made speeches, others bought duct tape, and then there was me—who went out and got really drunk and threw up all over my new jacket...
...So far, however, I have received a number of gifts—nothing but booze and chocolate, and a blinking Christmas hat...
...In their default mindset where America is always the irrational bully, it’s not terror that’s the threat, but a paranoid president and his trigger- happy minions...
...It’s an insult to our troops, and the rest of us, who have done what we can to sound the alarm about one of the biggest threats to modern civilization...
...When you take it off, it stops...
...The British police are currently in heated discussion, wondering if this sort of thing is against the law...
...Not only was it my birthday (thanks for the check, folks), but it was the day after you-know-what...
...It’s a miracle of science, I suppose, like childbirth and atheism...
...Maybe it’s the holidays that make me nostalgic, but I hark back to the good old days...
...Fresh from tragedy, we all knew what to do...
...That’s something to be truly thankful for, but it’s also something that’s made us vulnerable again...
...One video is introduced by a primitively drawn but otherwise adorable cartoon chicken, and, according to news reports, it contains three songs, sung in Arabic, illustrated with inspirational video...
Vol. 41 • February 2008 • No. 1
