THE CONTINUING CRISIS
Tyrrell, R. Emmett Jr.
R . E m m e t t T y r r e l l , J r . T H e c o n T I n U I n G c R I s I s december gave way to January and 2008’s first presidential contests. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s poll numbers...
...Their kitchens serve food shaped like feces...
...1 2 T H e a M e R I c a n s P e c T a T o R f e b R U a R Y 2 0 0 8 R . e M M e T T T Y R R e L L , J R . He claims the toilet, of a sudden, flushes without human assistance, and has done so “three times in the past 11 years, always around seven o’clock on a Friday”—weird...
...You would not get away with that kind of stuff in Beijing...
...Meanwhile, in the UK, Mr...
...Throughout 2007, Taiwanese gourmands have been flocking to a string of franchised restaurants whose theme is the lavatory...
...But save Tucker for what...
...The librarian, Mr...
...Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s poll numbers steadily weakened throughout the month and suddenly things looked promising for those of us who have for almost a decade hoped to see things patched up between former President Bill Clinton and Miss Monica Lewinsky...
...John Bertram and Mr...
...Patrick Gilman cursing from her bathroom, quoth, “Are you f***ing retarded...
...Dmitri Medvedev will get Mr...
...Al Franken, the agelastic comedian who left the faltering left-wing radio network to run for the Senate in Minnesota and perhaps rival Senator Craig as the Senate Buffoon...
...Eventually the matter was transported by the American Civil Liberties Union to the courtroom of District Judge Terrence Gallagher, and thanks to his libertarian impulses Miss Herb is back again on her toilet...
...On December 31, Miss Sara Jane Moore was released from prison...
...vladimir Putin, has settled on his successor...
...senator Hillary Rodham clinton’s staff suffered a further bout of the glooms over breaking news reports late in December that a Washington-to-Seattle flight had to be diverted to Pittsburgh after a 39-year-old female passenger complained of being groped by an unidentified man seated next to her...
...Sure, Monica is now probably as big as a garbage truck, but the two lovers never went out much in public anyway...
...Franken’s departure, Air America has been looking for a substitute, and now its producers may have found one...
...Going by the name “The Modern Toilet Diner,” these restaurants serve food in bowls shaped like modern commodes...
...That Scranton, Pennsylvania environmentalist who was jailed for swearing at her toilet is free...
...Throughout 2007, Taiwanese gourmands have been flocking to a string of franchised restaurants whose theme is the lavatory...
...Talk about “clash of civilizations...
...Ever since Mr...
...To which the neoconservative Patrolman Gilman quite properly replied, “Watch your mouth...
...Miss Moore is the left-wing activist who on September 22, 1975, tried to assassinate President Gerald Ford, 17 days after Miss Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme made a similar attempt on the president...
...Miss Georgia Newman now faces charges of domestic violence and committing battery against a police officer...
...F*** off,” retorted Miss Herb, who is also a vegetarian and apparently a longtime reader of the Nation magazine...
...f e b R U a R Y 2 0 0 8 T H e a M e R I c a n s P e c T a T o R 1 3...
...As January commenced, the melliferous Senator Barack Obama was forcing Senator Clinton to huff and puff, suggesting that if her downward drift continues the Secret Service will have to take emergency measures to keep Bill at a safe distance from her throwing arm...
...It was, however, a false alarm...
...On the other hand, she now finds herself in a very good position to become head of the National Organization for Women—if there still is a National Organization for Women...
...Michael L. Holland, and besides a 39-year-old female would be a little old for Bill...
...Known as “the father of the modern British obituary,” he introduced levity into his obituaries and even a certain rudeness...
...Fox admitted to breaking wind wantonly in the club, most recently when “three ladies” appeared for a game of darts...
...Wall treatments are modeled on urinals, and instead of sitting on chairs, customers at “The Modern Toilet Diner” sit on toilets...
...Where would he be safer than in the warm embrace of big, fat Monica...
...Benazir Bhutto was successfully assassinated in Pakistan, though precisely how remains in dispute...
...Putin’s nod as presidential candidate of his United Russia party, continuing a long Russian tradition of being governed by white European males...
...R . E m m e t t T y r r e l l , J r . T H e c o n T I n U I n G c R I s I s december gave way to January and 2008’s first presidential contests...
...On December 11, he announced that first deputy prime minister Mr...
...Also among the obituaries was Mr...
...Massingberd was the distinguished obituaries editor of the Telegraph of London...
...Fox’s offenses have been deliberate, especially near the dartboard, which could have proved dangerous...
...Going by the name “The Modern Toilet Diner,” these restaurants serve food in bowls If news stories in from Taiwan are accurate, it is possible Communist China will want to have nothing to do with that weird little island...
...In other media news, Air America may have found a replacement for Mr...
...The bomb exploded before she could embrace it, but this time her opponents resorted to conventional weaponry...
...Gordon Jenns, 61, wants an exorcist brought in...
...Hugh Massingberd (in Brooklyn, pronounced massing boyd...
...Russia’s president, Mr...
...During December rumors of the troubled young Mini-Con’s imminent removal from MSNBC’s cast of smirking heads became so frequent that two of his fans, Mr...
...George Shepherd, has confided to the BBC his belief that Mr...
...Her language “may be considered by some to be offensive, vulgar and imprudent,” Judge Gallagher opined, but the First Amendment protects her, at least until she hurls an anti-Islam slur at the thunder mug...
...That brought in Patrolman Gerald Tallo, who booked her for cursing her commode...
...Moreover, the club’s secretary, Mr...
...Maurice Fox, 77, is having his freedoms curtailed at the Kirkham Street Sports and Social Club in Paignton, Devon...
...A Dunbar, West Virginia woman arrested for roughing up a male companion exacerbated charges against her by wiping her nose on the shirt of the arresting shaped like modern commodes...
...officer...
...Get the f***ing mop...
...Interviewed by the BBC, Mr...
...The lady, Miss Dawn Herb, 31 (though she looks much older), was overheard by off-duty police officer Mr...
...In October, Islamic pietists tried to kill her by presenting her with a baby rigged with a bomb as she greeted a crowd of supporters...
...Senator Clinton had expected to proceed effortlessly to the Democratic nomination, but skeletons kept rattling in her closet...
...Perhaps he could become a news reader on Nickelodeon or there might be a place for him in a revival of the Pee Wee Herman Show...
...and one, her husband, actually campaigned for her...
...Yet, damn it, she loved him and planned to marry him...
...Senator Larry Craig was given much to worry about when an English librarian voiced his concerns about a “haunted toilet” in the building in which he works...
...Alain Jean (probably French), created a “Save Tucker” website, enjoining fellow couch potatoes to “CONTACT MSNBC EXECUTIVES TODAY and tell them to SAVE TUCKER...
...Now would be a good time for the two of them to head for Vegas...
...Oh sure, the highly-readable Starr Report reveals scenes where an angry Monica, too, scared the hell out of Bill and presented his security detail with tough decisions...
...Actually if a radio hook-up could be arranged between Miss Moore in studio and Miss Fromme, who lamentably remains in the can, a truly historic news team could be put together reminiscent of McNeil-Lehrer and Huntley-Brinkley...
...A peculiarly worded National Intelligence Estimate was made public claiming that Iranian holy men forsook their nuclear weapons program in 2003 owing to “international pressure,” possibly a euphemism for President George W. Bush’s use of force in the area or an obscure debate at the United Nations general assembly...
...Tucker Carlson’s long, painful descent into oblivion continues...
...Within hours of the plane’s landing, the groper was identified as Mr...
...There has been closure in a case reported in the last issue of this department...
Vol. 41 • February 2008 • No. 1
