THE CONTINUING CRISIS
Tyrrell, R. Emmett Jr.
September came to a halt on the 30th of the month, which was not unusual, but in the month's final days there accumulated evidence that the months ahead may be stupendously unusual. It appears...
...and fundraising, with a total $27 million raised for the third quarter...
...The Democrats are increasingly uneasy about the song,asmanyconsideritbellicoseandembarrassingly unilateral...
...Marcel Marceau, the venerable French pantomime, died quietly in Paris...
...O. J. Simpson will not be onthecampaigntrailforMrs.Clintonforawhile.The former NFL great was arrested in Las Vegas for leadinganarmedgroupofgolfersinaraidonthe hotel suite of Mr...
...Whatever the outcome of this dispute, it appears Senator Craig is poised to foundyetanothervarietyofAmericanconservatism, lavatorian-conservatism...
...He disfigured some of the documents with scissors and blamedthewholeescapadeonhisown"sloppiness...
...Hillary Rodham Clinton endedthemonthaheadof theDemocraticpresidentialfieldintermsofpopularity (no joke...
...Alfred Beardsley, the renowned sports memorabilia collector...
...A 22year-old British student, Mr...
...Possibly he broke into a chorus of the National Anthem on air...
...Sam Wakeling, broke the 24-hour world record for riding a unicycle...
...but with her former Hillraiser, Mr...
...The Crisis continues, and with the likes of Senators Craig and Reid in the Senate it will be amusing.R .E M M E T TT Y R R E L L ,J R . N O V E M B E R 2 0 0 7 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R 1 3 EventheBoyPresident'sformer nationalsecurityadviser,Mr.SandyBerger, isatworkonthesenator'scampaign,he ofthebulgingpantsandsocks...
...Yet the government is not without remedy...
...Early in the month two-year-old Miss Alisha Mbalasurviveda70-footfallfromherparents'sevenstory apartment building, suffering few ill effects beyondafracturedleg.LaterinSeptembera52-yearold Italian parachutist, full of pasta and spumoni, plunged 2,000 feet into a field without benefit of a parachute...
...The World Association of Ugly People unveiled its monument in Piobbico, Italy, on September 9. No members of MoveOn.org were in attendance, but the statue--a depiction of an epicene person peering at his reflection in a mirror--does look surprisingly like Sen.HarryReid,whoinSeptemberpennedaletterto thechiefexecutiveofficerofClearChannel,theradio syndicator of the inspired word of Mr...
...He landed and walked away unscathed, albeitwithgrassstainsonhispantalones.Itisperhaps too early to ascertain the causes of Gravity Weakening, but clearly if September's rate of decline continues the traditional suicide jump from the Golden Gate Bridge will be futile, and even on a tranquil day no one will be able to keep his or her hat on...
...There is not a Chinese restaurant in the country that has not been tapped...
...Harold Ickes.EventheBoyPresident'sformernationalsecurityadviser,Mr.SandyBerger,isatworkonthesenator's campaign, he of the bulging pants and socks...
...It appears that Sen...
...How long it took to detecthisconditionhasyettobereleased.Hewas84...
...Larry Craig, one of this column's most promising extended jokes, will not resign from the Senate as he had earlier promised...
...In 2003, Mr...
...He covered282miles,beatingthepreviousrecordestab-lished in 1977 by President Jimmy Carter--just kidding...
...What precisely the Sage of Clear Channel is supposed to apologize for remains unclear...
...Perhaps room will soon be made for Miss Monica Lewinsky and Miss Joycelyn Elders, the prophetofmasturbation...
...Johnny Chung, Mr...
...The move could be an initial feint against President Chavez himself or it could be a warning against his inviting a return visit from Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced Ahhh-mahh-cgsd while standing on one foot...
...The future of Nepal's monarchy was thrown into doubt after former Maoist insurgents withdrew from Nepal's coalition government, protesting that Nepal's fat little king should be given the old heave-ho immediately...
...According to the senator, all contact was inadvertent and a tragic consequence of his now famous "wide stance...
...Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice visited the Middle East for talks with Israeli and Palestinian leaders preparatory to efforts at the United Nations to renew the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks...
...No lessawitnessthanformerPresidentClintonattestedto 1 2 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R N O V E M B E R 2 0 0 7 T H EC O N T I N U I N GC R I S I S R . E m m e t t T y r r e l l , J r . Mr.Berger'ssloppiness.NowMr.Bergerisbackwiththe campaign...
...ThereweresignsofpoliticalunrestinPresidentHugo Chavez's Venezuela, where officials at the National Electoral Council announced plans to ban silly names...
...Liu Chaoying of the People's Liberation Army...
...Yet skeptics assert that the contact was intentional and a typical lavatorian's effort at what might be called "floorplay...
...J. Edgar Hoover and a pair of "cleats" once worn by a quarterback from the San Francisco 49ers, who requests anonymity...
...Paul International Airport's men's lavatory...
...Possibly the money arrives at Clinton headquarters in wonton dumplings or in fortune cookies...
...The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," reported a senior official of Nepal Airlines, which actually has two Boeing 757s in its fleet along with numerous chickens and ducks...
...Limbaugh and prevail upon him to "apologize" publicly...
...He stashed the documents--some original and uninventoried from his NSA days--in his pantsandsocks.Thenhelied,claiminghehadtakenthe documents "inadvertently" in an "honest mistake...
...Simpson was trying to recover property that he insists is properly his, including a picture of him with former FBI chief Mr...
...In August Senator Craig, a practicing lavatorian, promised to resign after reports appeared in the media of his earlier guilty plea to having had intercourse in Minnesota's leading tourist attraction, the Minnesota-St...
...The idiots have been using simple Colorado River cutthroats, knownasthe"mongrelsofthedeep...
...Charley Trie, and Lt...
...After all, other loyalists from the Clintons' glory days are back, for instance, Mr...
...Norman Hsu, now in the hoosegow,itmightprovetrickyforhertomaintainher family'sfamedChopSueyConnection,whichhasaided their electoral designs on the country since 1986...
...Sex remains the funniest of all mankind's earnest pursuits.Sen...
...Thiswasavery surprising result...
...It's not at all what we expected," explained Miss Jessica Metcalf, a CU researcher who now will have to gather up every one of the fugitive cutthroats and turn them into cat food...
...Adepts at Nepal's state-run airline got an ailing Boeing 757 up and running by sacrificing two goats in front of it to impress the Hindu god Akash Bhairab, one of the few Hindu gods who apparently does not have an eating disorder...
...Fretters over Global Warming were given yet another catastrophe to behold in September, as evidence mounts that the Earth's gravity is weakening at an alarming rate...
...As for the authorities, they insist that the Idaho solon was intent on coitus horribilis...
...Rush Limbaugh, demanding that Clear Channel repudiate Mr...
...He claims he was reaching for toilet tissue and made contact with an undercover police officer stationed in the coterminous stall...
...Researchers at the University of Colorado discovered that in their three-decade effort to restore the endangered greenback cutthroat trout to Colorado's lakes and rivers they have been stocking those bodies of water with the wrong fish...
...Yet it now appears that Mr...
...Berger stole classified terrorism documents from theNationalArchivesbeforetestifyingatthe9/11commission hearings...
...The nature of that intercourse remains in dispute...
...He may even roll out an intellectual journal representing his point of view, Bathroom Beautiful...
...PossiblytheClintonswillresorttoAsianstalwartsfrom their 1996 campaign such as Mr...
Vol. 40 • November 2007 • No. 9
