LAST CALL:Special Orders
Macomber, Shawn
L A S T C A L L Special Orders by Shawn Macomber T’S AMAZING, THE THINGS YOU HEAR when you regularly give a little cash to panhandlers. I’ve been told at least a dozen times now, for...
...He sighed loudly...
...And so when a man in our nation’s capital approached me one recent morning with a tale of hunger and woe, I offered him a meal...
...Unfortunately, not only was Chipotle four blocks away, it was also closed...
...To the mastermind of this hoagie atrocity, however, the request was sudden, inexplicable proof of a nefarious plot to deny him his rightful chips and soda...
...By the time a third man outside a downtown CVS requested this brother spare a dime, the devil on my shoulder was affixing a massive cartoon padlock on the imaginary moneybags containing my charitable impulses...
...I strode on by, muttering to myself about ungrateful bastards and public scenes...
...But, like an exsanguinous corpse, I didn’t have to eat it, so I pulled out my wallet and asked the clearly nauseated Sandwich Artist to make it a value meal...
...he growled at the Sandwich Artist, pulling a small battery powered radio out of his bag...
...I thought this was an invitation to sit...
...Each took a doughnut and then the first man, carefully balancing a chocolate glazed on his knee, set the package in a pizza box next to a slice of cheese that looked as if it could chisel granite down at the quarry...
...Waiting in line, though, it occurred to me if I failed to engage my better angels now it might become a permanent condition...
...Desperate, I tried to re-create the order at a Subway: Large BBQ chicken sandwich, salt and vinegar chips, two Cokes...
...Do they have orange smoothies...
...he screamed, dumping the sandwich into the trash...
...Such is the power of this epithet passersby began giving me disapproving looks for antagonizing a black man into using that word with a free $12 meal...
...Well, if they do, get me a large...
...I walked away believing this: There are those who cannot possibly be helped however hard we try...
...Keeps the sun off,” he explained, adding, “Tough going lately...
...He tapped into a grimy desperation so real I could smell it...
...I’ve been told at least a dozen times now, for instance, the apocryphal tale of the man who makes $100 a day in sympathy cash posing as homeless...
...If this is the norm, I’ve seen bravo performances at countless Wendy’s, McDonald’s, and chain convenience stores worldwide, all worth the forty or fifty cents suggested donation...
...All right, listen, I want a Chipotle burrito, all marinated chicken and rice,” he said, smoothly transforming me from philanthropist to personal assistant...
...He raised an eyebrow to indicate how vital this separation was to my mission...
...He cranked the volume and began howling his own lyrics to the song that blared forth: “Subway...
...If this was an actor, he put Brando to shame...
...If not, two Cokes...
...When I came back my temporary ward was not impressed...
...Next time, before you buy, you ask… NIGGER...
...Instead, the mound heaved twice and flipped upright...
...You steal from a man down on his luck...
...The trauma of this episode was fresh enough when a second hungry man approached me in Georgetown that I hesitated before traipsing into another Subway...
...I asked him to repeat his order so I could take notes...
...With its ashen meatballs floating in a sea of mayo and olives, the bulging sandwich he ordered was about as appetizing as an exsanguinous corpse...
...No one said charity was easy, I suppose...
...Pinto beans on the side...
...No beans in it, no way...
...Subway...
...Now everyone knows how much you suck...
...Lime salted chips with salsa—get those...
...God bless for this...
...But we can help many more than we think possible if we do try...
...86 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR J U L Y / A U G U S T 2 0 0 7...
...They had little other use for me, which was fine...
...As a matter of philosophical integrity, if I’m going to argue that individual charity is more effective than state-coerced redistribution, then I had better answer any earnest request for help to the best of my ability...
...Like a sculptor unveiling a bust, the man tugged at the fabric to reveal another man, bags weighing down the bags beneath his bloodshot eyes set in too-watery caverns...
...Reluctantly I purchased survival essentials, water and a variety box of doughnuts...
...If there was a Chipotle menu expert here, it wasn’t me...
...I shrugged...
...L A S T C A L L Special Orders by Shawn Macomber T’S AMAZING, THE THINGS YOU HEAR when you regularly give a little cash to panhandlers...
...This is no good… NIGGER...
...When I offered these to the man back outside he patted a space beside him on a couch-like mound of carpet padding...
...Why you have to do me like that...
Vol. 40 • July 2007 • No. 6
