FROM THE GUT:Mother's Day at Pier 1
GUT, FROM THE
F R O M T H E G U T Mother’s Day at Pier 1 by Greg Gutfeld FTHEREISABETTERWAYTOSPEND a Sunday in May than at Mamapalooza, the “Creativity and Lifestyles Conference, 2007,” then don’t...
...Now, where’s the toilet...
...You’re alternative...
...Remember this tip, single men: Too many silver rings on one hand is a sure sign someone believes 9/11 was an inside job, and she will be happy to tell you about it on a chair lift in Telluride...
...You’re edgy...
...Politics...
...Instead, however, I stumbled on a vibrant group of middle-aged women in black shirts (most reading “mom’s rock”) belting out substandard bar rock...
...Followed by hugs...
...They are often ridiculed, shamed, sometimes beaten...
...Impos t of us they’re as s tors like ting afe fare of mothers...
...Then another woman joins her—wearing something that may be a dress/table cloth combination...
...Or lecturing me on Darfur on Sproul Plaza...
...These folks truly consider this dancing...
...Wide black belts, and the silver...
...This afternoon of revelry is heaven, if heaven were designed by a lesbian mom—which means hell for the rest of us...
...I wonder what it will be like 30 years from now—when all the women with fake boobs and botoxed faces hit 70...
...The women continue smiling—that kind of smile seen often on yoga instructors and people who drink their own urine...
...The event, according to a pink flyer I found beneath my shoe, began last Thursday, May 17th, and concludes today, sponsored by something called the Mom Music Network—in partnership with another thing called the Women’s Media Center, which was founded by something called Jane Fonda...
...It’s highly unlikely they will have white hair and little glasses, and give their grandkids ribbon candy in exchange for a kiss...
...In New York, it’s hard to find old ladies who look like old ladies anymore...
...Moms should not be rockers—nope, they should be in them...
...5 6 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR J U L Y / A U G U S T 2 0 0 7 G R E G G U T F E L D Probably, I think, because they have to...
...It’s because, just maybe, they aren’t rebels at all...
...Wwith the cultural, social, and economic wel- edge to their fans—but to the res t the Machine all seem so cut it’s a “community,” one that is concerned Sean P HAT EXACTLY IS MAMAPALOOZA...
...It’s harsh enough to get the babies crying...
...All of these old women dressing young depresses me...
...Why do all those proclaiming their uniqueness look identical...
...So and sure enough she can play the harp—or rather—the harmonica...
...To the angry chords of plodding rock, one woman rises up in a flowing outfit and starts a “movement...
...J U L Y / A U G U S T 2 0 0 7 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 5 7...
...All of the rebels here today look the same...
...The biggest culprit...
...So here on Pier 1, I weave my way in between the baby strollers, pausing to observe the required face painter and then, of course, expressing an “oooh” or two at the guy in tie-dye sweats making balloon animals (which, in fact, were pretty impressive: I believe he actually made a dinosaur...
...And they always send you twenty dollars in a card on your birthday...
...faces hit 70...
...Imagine a blues man, but instead of being old, soulful, and black—think white, fat, and loud...
...On the pier, I can’t help but smell the phony politics of nonconformity...
...Greg Gutfeld, former editor of Maxim (UK), Men’s Health, and Stuff, is host of Red Eye on Fox News...
...It’s that free form expression that’s parodied over and over in movies— yet for some reason here there’s no irony present on this wonderfully sunny afternoon...
...They all look as if they should be running candle shops in New Hope, Pennsylvania...
...But I am here, and I don’t even have any kids...
...Then she unfolds her arm heavenward and leaps up, turning her back and pausing—until she turns and smiles at the audience...
...You’re dangerous...
...So much silver...
...Today is apparently about mothers, but everywhere I look I see women trying not to dress like moms or grandmoms—instead they wear ball caps and denim jeans under dresses...
...It looks punishing—the therapeutic accompaniment to watching The View...
...What is it with silver...
...I believe I hear bongos...
...as milk...
...Here in America people make millions pretendwhile the rest of these people on this lovely day prefer to rock out in the spirit of rebellion—I would like to salute the real rebels in this world: little old ladies...
...Together they prance—a hop, then a leap—and then they turn to the audience and smile...
...I’m pretty certain if I had kids, and it was a beautiful spring Sunday afternoon, I wouldn’t be here, unless I had to be...
...And especially, “mothers who rock...
...I wonder what it will be like 30 years from now— when all the women with fake boobs and botoxed look like mannequins in a state of decomposition— the frame intact while everything else falls apart...
...I just have to find a bathroom...
...Unless, of course, “you rock...
...I perk up when I hear music—and I look to the stage, where dancing erupts like a popped blister...
...But I have to say, the people seem to be having a good time...
...Rebels, in general, face consequences for their rebellion...
...There are a few men scattered about on folding chairs—pudgy and dozing, some laid out on two seats...
...Scary...
...I discovered the event, entirely by accident, taking a walk along the water at Riverside Park South trying to find a bathroom...
...I only bring this up to prevent the onslaught of letters this magazine will receive from readers desperate to book them for receptions and birthday parties...
...Apparently, ing to be rebels formed Rag enn, Marilyn Manson, and the recently ree Agains , without paying a price...
...You can’t be one and the same, of course...
...Next to the display, a woman is receiving a chair massage, for only ten dollars...
...It’s highly unlikely The booths that form the boundaries to the event teem with a motley cross section of baby stuff and activist wear—T-shirts with slogans (I think I saw something that read “Mothers Acting Up” and a flyer that notes, “Women do not have an expiration date”) and knitted dolls you’d pretty much have to hypnotize your child to make her believe it’s a toy...
...pants...
...Bandanas knotted around necks...
...I finally catch the name of the dancers: they are officially “The Stephanie Nelson Dance Troupe...
...The funny thing about workshops: there’s never any “work” being done, and it certainly isn’t a shop because there’s never anything worth buying...
...The Suicide Girls: goth“Stick around for Octavia, who plays a wicked harp,” punk chicks who express their individuality through says one lady, wearing a floppy hat, and another one of porn, tattoos, and piercing...
...And I’m always curious how the nature of the nonconformist only allows for rebellion in the most conformist of ways...
...Generally a workshop involves fingerpainting, or something like fingerpainting...
...The conference features all the stuff you can predict conferences like these will feature: workshops, creative clinics, and probably more workshops...
...The more rebellious they those outfits that might be a dress, a shirt, or really big act out, the more banal they become...
...It’s like a badge for the phony alternative nation: A silver skull belt buckle and a tiny Asian tattoo is all you need to portray a hint of danger as you drive your Prius to Pilates class...
...No, I fear they will all they will have white hair and little glasses...
...Politics tells you that being a mom is a waste of time—and being an individual is more important...
...They are cooler than lesbians and tougher than nails...
...And it’s hard to find moms who actually appear matronly...
...She extends one leg out… and hops...
...F R O M T H E G U T Mother’s Day at Pier 1 by Greg Gutfeld FTHEREISABETTERWAYTOSPEND a Sunday in May than at Mamapalooza, the “Creativity and Lifestyles Conference, 2007,” then don’t bother telling me, because it’s too late...
...Moments later a large woman takes the stage, This kind of rebellion is simply narcissism...
...So what’s preventing these women from acting like their moms and their grandmoms...
...They make perfect background singers...
...No, I definitely hear bongos...
...These are the folks who pay their bills and drive under the speed limit, usually perched on a pillow so they can see above the dash...
Vol. 40 • July 2007 • No. 6
