FROM THE GUT: Time to Kill
Gutfeld, Greg
FROM THE GUT Time to Kill by Greg Gutfeld L AST APRIL 21 was the White House Correspondents Dinner. No, I wasn’t invited. I rarely get invited to anything. This is not a big problem for me,...
...This is what happens every year in D.C...
...I wish my wife felt the same, but she doesn’t...
...There must be times when you think: “Wow, I could take a swing and probably end my life forever...
...And when you walk by the New York Times on 43rd Street, you can’t miss the cops patrolling out front...
...I have no protection...
...In this piece, we read about Kelly White “and her two children” visiting the memorials at the VT campus, leaving 32 pink tulips—one for each victim...
...And that, of course, must have made her feel really good about herself—even without the backlash...
...Especially if that tennis elbow belongs to a fat senator...
...Which is ickier...
...Hurting feelings is actually worse than killing someone...
...My wife and I found ourselves regularly jostled—often by people who seemed, at least to themselves, to be very important people...
...These walls of muscle could kill you if you do anything jumpy...
...D.C...
...I only kid...
...JUNE 2007 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 49...
...This is where my wife and I part ways...
...They placed a tulip for the killer as well...
...I call this the “lunge urge...
...My friend Maura (she brought the cigarettes) reminds me of an old adage: How do you get a pretty girl to go home with you...
...Tell her she’s smart...
...And I wonder what would happen if I “lunged...
...D.C...
...A lot of crap poured forth from that incident, mainly from “thoughtful” types who urged us to think more deeply about the incident—and not to place blame so quickly on the most obvious culprit: the killer...
...It’s not about the death of 32 innocent people...
...FROM THE GUT Time to Kill by Greg Gutfeld L AST APRIL 21 was the White House Correspondents Dinner...
...Do you...
...Be honest...
...I have no throng...
...I rarely get invited to anything...
...And maybe that’s what I resent...
...Meanwhile, after a student organization had created a stone memorial for the victims on a section of the campus lawn, another senior named Katelynn L. Johnson added a 33rd stone for the psychopath...
...Killing anything but time and animals is wrong of course—but there is something far worse than murder happening every day: the increasing trend to refuse separating the killer from the people he kills...
...Greg Gutfeld, former editor of Maxim (UK), Men’s Health, and Stuff, is host of Red Eye on Fox News...
...It doesn’t roll off the tongue, but I deal with it regularly...
...It is like this at every network, I imagine...
...It’s really strange, and I’ve said this before: Whether it’s CBS or NBC or the Times, in the safe comfort of their offices, pundits and commentators rally for gun control as a way to understand bad things and bad people...
...And since she’s smarter than me, we decided to go to D.C., even without the dinner invite...
...Why are their lives any more important than a classroom full of coeds...
...Why are they surrounded by muscle and magazines—yet students are sitting ducks...
...They do this under the protection of armed guards...
...A columnist...
...bends over like a $10 street-walker for the most retarded celebrities,” referring to the high-powered politicians groveling for Sanjaya’s autograph...
...They had the look of importance: stony faces, eye48 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR JUNE 2007 balling my appearance, offering a quick dismissal of my own worth...
...It was a gunfree zone—unlike the media centers of Manhattan— places where Rosie can pontificate about the evils of weapons that might have saved the students’ lives...
...I am referring, of course, to much of the garbage written following the horrible VT shootings...
...The VT students didn’t have that luxury...
...A senator...
...We both agree that it’s too close to call...
...Not everyone has them—only the really important people do...
...It’s interesting, anyway, to see the value for a person’s life ordained by the lack of suits protecting said person...
...And how you probably shouldn’t throw them...
...At least I’m safe, if not from myself...
...I think life can be lived, fully, in front of the television—in your underwear...
...I wandered the grounds with my wife, running into people I had recognized from gabfests like the defunct Capital Gang and Hardball (like the Capital Gang, but with Depends...
...Even if that someone is already dead...
...In a war between civilizations, we have people who think dialogue is more important than determination...
...And L.A...
...Funny thing, this story...
...I’m not sure why these thoughts of rash behavior cross my mind, but they do...
...The article probably reflects the failure and weakness of minds that refuse to understand evil...
...Here’s another truth: If you want to stand out in a crowd, don’t dress like it...
...It is now April 27th, and my murderous thoughts turn to the Associated Press, which published an interesting—and profoundly horrible—story entitled, “Spirit of Forgiveness as Virginia Tech Grieves” (with the deck, “Gunman Memorialized Alongside His Victims...
...But who cares: It is far easier, and makes for less discomfort at parties, to talk about “understanding ” than “condemnation,” and it’s this monumental cowardice that seems to infect every area of our lives...
...Her stone was removed, but then a new one replaced it—and apparently it remains...
...It’s a perfect Rosie O’Donnell moment—darling Katelynn makes the tragedy less about the victims and more about her...
...Tell her she’s pretty...
...The appearance and disappearance of the stone reflects the community’s struggle to come to terms with the mas sacre,” wrote the AP writer, probably in a thong...
...I fulfilled this maxim by being the only man present who wasn’t wearing a tuxedo, or a tie...
...I was wearing jeans, a sport jacket, and a big smile (I’d had a half dozen vodkas already...
...See, maybe that’s why, at the Correspondents shindig, where every pundit, press hack, and politician is protected, I wanted to lunge...
...Women understand that, in order to enjoy life, you actually have to go outside and do something in clothing other than your underwear...
...For the record, I didn’t see him, but I wanted to...
...It’s about stones...
...How do you get a smart girl to go home with you...
...In situations where there are powerful people, or rather, people who think they’re powerful, my thoughts turn to mayhem...
...gets all wet trying to seem smart—Laurie David and Sheryl Crow groping Karl Rove...
...T HIS DOESN’T MAKE ME WANT TO KILL, really...
...Luckily, we had been invited by Kathryn, a friend of mine, to the pre-party out on the front lawn at the Hilton, along with a few thousand other people...
...And of course—“she told almost no one about the stone because she feared a backlash...
...A guy who may or may not be Joe Scarborough...
...I look around, and I see all these VIPs...
...at the correspondents dinner,” she says...
...This is not a big problem for me, as my only criterion for happiness is sitting at home with my wife...
...Even if that tennis elbow belongs to a fat senator...
...That beats listening to strangers in black tie telling me about their tennis elbow...
...A backlash...
...And when a monster shoots 32 people, we need to understand his feelings, too...
...She had made her killer point by adding that stone—a heroic endeavor—the kind that would no doubt create narrow-minded outrage against her...
...Your life will end, trust me, because surrounding these hypothetical targets—these extremely important people—are “the men...
...These are the guys in suits, GREG GUTFELD earpieces wired up their neck like gummy worms— armed with the sleekest of weaponry...
...At all...
...A well-known pundit in a dress (not Frank Rich...
...I should have stayed home in my underpants...
...What if… I tackled a candidate...
...bends over like a $10 street-walker for the most retarded celebrities,” referring to the high-powered politicians groveling for Sanjaya’s autograph...
...But really, I’m not kidding...
...It makes me want to kill...
...I SIT IN AN OFFICE, WORKING AT A NETWORK with a lobby teeming with well-armed security...
...What if… I lunged at Tom Brokaw...
Vol. 40 • June 2007 • No. 5
